My Diary of Shame

Well dear diary, I write to you from a bench in the middle of where once I was scared to tread! Today, largely thanks to Rachel & Suzanne, I am not scared, I am mad...A punch the addiction in the face & rip it to a million pieces type of mad because it is cruel & it should not be allowed to live on!

Firstly, I had to drive about 30 miles to get here because now I am in recovery, I have a life...I didn't care that I was wasting petrol! I drove the same road that I have driven so many times in fear because I promised I would come here & flout my recovery! Bizarelly, on auto pilot, I went to my old gambling car park (I have not used it since starting this journey last Summer) & when I realised, it was like my mind was finally agreeing that enough is enough, time to do this. I stomped straight passed the 2 side by side shops @ the end of the car park to the bank & defiantly removed money from the cash point. I pondered at the cash machine in case there were any other transactions I might like to do, today, I am not in a rush - to throw this money away!

I glared @ the shops & instead of thinking I cannot gamble because I am in recovery, I looked @ them & realised my focus has shifted! I do not want to gamble because I am so incredibly angry! Angry @ what it has done to my 'friends' because although I do not know any of you, you are far more important to me than gambling ever could be! It is no longer about me, I had no psychological reason to gamble. (I say that like I know but I don't. My niece decided psychology would be a good A level...I realised she was doomed when she came away from the 1st lesson bleating about having to draw a pig! I cannot draw, the only chance I would have of making something look like a pig would be a pink pen so I did agree that was rather daft & wondered whether my inability to draw would lead a psychologist to have seen right through the pages & label me a gambler :-0 I doubt it but I digress! I do that a lot!) I had a reasonable upbringing, a good life, fell straight into a great job & I never wanted for anything! Today, I am more ashamed than ever that I let myself get sucked in. Today though, my heart is going out to everyone that gambled to escape, to get a moments peace from sadness & fear & it is that which has made me hate (I don't care it's a strong word it deserves it) the evil. As you all have gifted my recovery this far, today, I thank you for taking away my fear of never gambling again! I don't care that the urges will continue to try & take me by surprise, just as they cannot take away my memories, they cannot break me anymore!

& that is why I sit here with my triangle completely intact saying a big loud swear word to the demons...Bring it on, put all you effort into attacking me for a while, give all my friends a break! It's on!

Lovely post ODAAT,

You have gifted yourself so much today with facing that addiction head on and not being afraid of it, this will surely make you even stronger now, you have turned a corner, a very positive one, and hey, you have gifted me again today, because I can see your determination, anger, positivity, and compassion. Thankyou my friend and all I have left to say is BRING IT ON

Suzanne xxx

Hi ODAAT,

Yes ODAAT is better than OMAAT lol.

I understand what you are saying about the anger and blaming the addiction for stuff (lol) Let's face it the addiction controlled our lives, we lived around it ( mostly in it as it progressed) My thoughts and feelings to my addiction change nearly every day, but I do take all my different moods/feelings and use them all as a positive, because no matter how I feel at this time it is strengthing my resolve to keep abstaining.

Have a good gambling free day,

Suzanne xxx

Hey ODATT thanks very much for your posts and continued support.

Always enjoy reading your diary and your posts always leave me wanting more. A couple of your most recent ones have inspired me in particular the bank statements I've been writing about.

Glad to read your doing so well and the future looks bright for you with your ongoing recovery and wedding you deserve it.

Have a great weekend

Hello Diary, it's me again...

I was just drafting a quick response to Taxi man when it occurred to me, I was pretty much hijacking his thread & I should be posting this here! I asked the good Dr Google & by some small miracle with her help, figured out how to cut & paste! I know it's the CHAV (please no-one take offence, I did indeed grow up on a Council Estate & by my own reckoning am rather annoying) in me coming out but I don't know a better phrased & I'm well chuffed with myself 🙂

Anyway, as I was saying, who I was whilst I was under the gambling spell is not who I choose to be today & it may sound crazy but I feel like a butterfly coming out the other side! I've never been an adult without gambling in my life & to be honest, I'm not sure I would be enjoying life quite so much if I hadn't been stunted all those years! Big things for me is the change of season, I don't think I'd ever felt the sun on my face before this year, & I know I have a lovely warm coat now but I really enjoy stepping out into the cold crisp air! I mean seriously, who enjoys minus figures? I understand this may well be part of my recovery that I don't cherish forever but whilst it is giving me joy, I'm grasping it with both hands! I am a fan of 'sayings' & for me today, I now understand that what 'doesn't kill you does indeed make you stronger!'

Today I choose 'No' because I want to not because I have to - because I'm still mad as hell at gambling & long may this continue!

Hi ODAAT,

First things first, June is 'late forties' so she has a few years on you, but you have now put a mental image in my mind so you will forever be June Whitfield to me. I'm laughing out loud right now at the thought of June Whitfield with the Sporting Life in front of her checking the latest odds 🙂

You know, you really do have a way with words though. Thanks so much for your lovely posts on my diary, I hadn't twigged it was 3 weeks until you pointed it out. I suspect though, if you scratch beneath the surface of the majority of people on here, that there is something in the past that has fuelled their need for escapism through gambling. Having just read a few more of your (and others) posts on your diary, I can only add to what Suzanne has said. You spur us on. Knowing that we have you in our corner is amazing. You are our Boudica (albeit a June shaped Boudica). So pleased that you put two fingers up at the bookies this week - I think you have cracked it my friend and am with you every step of the way.

Rach x

Hi ODAAT,

By God, you and Suzanne are the hardest people to keep up with. You're both here, there and everywhere - in a completely good way of course

I'm using my Saturday to catch up with everyone and just wanted to say thanks again for all your posts to me and also for starting off your own diary. I've dodged the longer diaries for a while, mainly because I didn't want to hear that it isn't all plain sailing. I knew it wasn't but just didn't want it re-enforced.

That said, I'm feeling in a good place today and I'm trying (successfully at present) not to think any further ahead than today. ODAAT is truly the way forward for me

Jess x

Thanks for posting in my diary. It's very interesting to me that your mother has a problem and so have you. That's my worst nightmare my daughters having an addition. Their father is an alcoholic and my mother is one too, plus my father bets every day and is addicted to weed. I haven't read your diary yet so hope nothing I have Said in this post is out of order. I'm hoping that my daughters seeing the pain and heartache it has caused me will keep them on the straight and narrow. I really pe to keep on posting this time good or bad outcome to this binge I'm on at present.

Hey ODATT thanks for the post and feel free to hijack my diary whenever you like your posts are so much more interesting.

Love the last few lines I choose no because I want to and not because I have to. I think I'm moving more to that way of thinking.

Hi ODAAT,

Keep that strength going my friend.

Like you, I too grew up on a council estate!! ...and am well chuffed for you too me old mate!!!!

All the best

Ade

Morning ODAAT,stayed away last week as I started to feel a bit down and didn't want to pass on my negativity,just popped in to say hi,so HI!xxx

Hi ODDAT,

Thanks for your post.......and for claiming me as a friend!! lol

Keep strong

Ade x

Hi June, you ancient old minger you 😉 Boudica wasn't a minger, at least not when she was played by Alex Kingston - that's who I had in my minds eye when I called you that anyway. But regardless, I prefer June, so you shall now be known as June from this day forth.

177 days - wit woo! I can't wait to be at 177 days - that'll mean I've made it almost to my sons birthday gf, and that I will be able to buy him a fab birthday present that hasn't gone on the Argos card! I am shamed to say that a few years ago I had a win, bought him a laptop and said to him 'say thank you Mr *****!' Anyway, enough about me. Hope you've had a good start to the week and will catch up with you later.

Rach x

Hi Mrs D (that's my new, very inventive, name for my diary in case anyone is trying to figure out who I am responding to),

just dropping in to tell all my lovely new friends (that's you lot by the way & no, you don't have a choice) that I will be parting these shores in a few hours for the equally wet & windy climes of France (a haw e haw e haaw). I was loathe to mention that I was getting out of Blighty in case anyone thought I was showing off but then I realised how nervous I get when a regular poster disappears for a few days! I will miss you all, OH may miss you more even though he doesn't know it yet 😉

Be safe, be strong - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT ,

Have a lovely time, you deserve this break.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xx