My Diary of Shame

Johnny Big Bannanas ? Is He a relative of Bobby Big Pear ? coz I've met him :)) .

Your stronger than that Kelly , you know that :0))

Cheer's Special K :)) Oh he's just rubbish when he's had a drinkypooh :(( I woke this morning excpecting something the size of a wedding cake and a litle " Old bloke " stood outside a betting shop Laughing perched on top :)) , not a crumb in sight but like yourself he did leave a nice message :)) .

Look after yourself Kelly and thank's xx

Hi ODAAT

Thanks for the comments on my diary, so true, when we are running from OUR terminal to the cash point, nothing really matters, that frenzied sprint, punching our 4 digit pin to get out the maximum we can, then it asks 'receipt wanted' are you kidding me, just give me my god d**n money! Then it's off to the bookies to play on OUR terminal, putting on £13's on numbers so we can make a dent into the amount we have out in!

It's pretty pathetic when we think about it.

Thanks for the tip, I have always wanted to try Gamblers Anymous.

Shaun

I'm really struggling with putting my finger on a higher power...& yet, I left work tonight, bang on time, made like an Olympian to the tube station, negotiated the rush hour esque hoards on the platform of the Vic line (signal failure) & was sitting proudly on the train downing my can of fizzy when I realised my car/house keys were in my locker & the NM is on nights.

Off of the train I got, back on the tube, out of the station, more duck than Olympian back to work, grabbed keys, reverse it & here I am, safely on the train again & that's not even the best bit...I've just found another can of fizzy & a Mars Bar (winner)! There's no question, my Angels were looking out for me tonight (preventing acts of gross stupidity not in their repertoire)...So many things could have gone wrong which would have meant a seat with my name on on the 0134 & I could have just had the empty juice bottle & half a crushed packet of Quavers that are languishing now in my ruck sack.

I'm a little disappointed in myself that an act of laziness caused this whole drama but a few minor blisters aside (can't say I recommend Converse on these occasions) I'm none the worse for wear after my second workout of the day.

& that my friends is progress!

Hi ODAAT

Hope all is well.

Yes I am considering going to GA. There is one 2 miles from my house but the problem is that my cousin owns a shop right opposite to it and there is no side entrance. Nodody knows about my addiction so it kind of makes it arkward. However there is another GA 12 miles away, I can drive so there is no problem, the meetings are every Thursday - perfect. Can't make it this week as I have another prior engagement but will try next week.

Shaun

"Queen of the t u rd's " ??? Tis a wonder you were ever allowed in a betting shop with that on your feet , you may have thought it would bring you fortune but it certainly wasn't lucky for the poor person who cleaned the floor after you'd been in for a session :((

The " Non Gambling fairy's " or HP must have been looking after you last night though , what with " Extra Fizzy " and a " Mars bar " to boot , honestly some people don't know their born !! .

Perhap's your " Higher power " is " Mars or Schweppes " I dunno but don't knock it :))

Talk to you later " Stinky " xx

How are you?

d

Hello ODAAT

I've been trying to get this to you all day with no success. I will keep trying today, tomorrow and so on.

Don't like doing it this way: HB ODAAT IYKWIMAITYD *<:-)

Thanks for asking CW, I’ve been pondering your question for a few days & the best I can offer is an update...

I’m not sure if I’ve spoken much about the meeting I have been attending but it is a therapy only room which is not what I was introduced to @ GA so I have made excuses for the last how long & not made it to any meetings recently, that is until last Friday.

I’ve just been off work for 2 weeks...A holiday abroad & then back for 5 more days off & as quick as I landed, I was back to my old ways with sleeping. So in desperation, I hunted out a GA meeting for Friday, not because I had any intention of gambling but because nothing changes if nothing changes. I was hoping that this new one was going to be more interactive...It isn’t but I still felt the GA magic that I haven’t had for a while & I was convinced to go back last night for which I am very grateful.

Last night still marked the 5th day of waking up shortly after dropping off (about 2 hours) & being unable to get back to sleep for 3-4 hours & so my 1st day back @ work started with a whopping 2 hours & 36 minutes (according to my sleep tracker which I think was lying given the amount of clock watching conducted) of sleep. I was pretty resigned to it having happened, there’s nothing I could do to change it & so I trundled off to work feeling pretty chilled out & had a brilliant day 🙂

Left work late, couldn’t wedge my newly slightly-rounded (much more girl like than the one I have lived with for many years, thank you all-inclusive) derriere into any of the doors on the fast train & despite the guard’s insistence that I get back & try harder because the next train was only 4 carriages, I walked off resigned to a substantial wait. I’m not usually one for giving up but I’m back on my marshmallow cloud again & suffering the after effect of a spasm in my back that rendered me unable to put my shoes on on Saturday so it seemed like the most sensible option. Imagine my surprise when I found a veritable collection of seats on the next train...Winner 🙂

My self care remains somewhat lacking although I did go to the dentist (with toothache) before we left & got the all clear...I need to go back because I’m pretty certain that one of my mouth full of fillings has been breached 🙁

I also went to the optician (after meeting an old friend sporting a massive new scar from a tumour that had been detected that way) only to be told that I don’t have 20:20 vision anymore (sigh). The work computers got the blame but I doubt that my many hours of GC conducted via my phone throughout the day & night are entirely faultless & so here I sit on the train, typing away, everything but the screen in front of me a fuzzy blur.

I’ll take both over where I was but it’s not great to look back @ the damage I have caused myself & still feel a massive reluctance to do anything constructive about it.

I had planned on howling myself to sleep last night after finding out that my niece failed her Uni appeal. It wasn’t the failing that was the problem, it was the cold hard fact of her living in cloud cuckoo land that smashed home how ripe she is for addiction. She apparently has savings so is going to live off of them (rent free it would appear) instead of signing on for a “measly £50 a week” & being “forced to apply for jobs” that she won’t be bothered to get out of bed for, then get a job that she wants. My heart is breaking for her because she just doesn’t get it & really believes a good job (whatever that may be since she’s no longer gonna be the next CSI Abbey) is going to fall into her lap with no work experience & why don’t I get on her brother’s case because he is being a ‘b*m’! It may have helped me sleep but negotiating the Underground with swollen eyeballs is physically impossible so I opted for the Serenity Prayer instead & miraculously calm prevailed.

Missed swimming on Sunday so going tonight is on the agenda although I’m pretty confident my back isn’t up to it...Thing is, nothing to stop me going & helping out so watch this space!

I think I may be coming round to the idea of a Higher Power...It makes sense that if I can humanize my addiction it doesn’t exactly need to be anything tangible! There’s certainly something in the air that’s making me sane.

Hiya odatt

I've been reading your diary still got.a.lot to read but it as helped me.a.lot in my early days and have really took a.lot from it just wanted pop.by and say keep.up the good work jft

“Realise how hard it is to change yourself & you'll understand what little chance you have to change others.”

Sontrue odatt forgive my punctuation I'm on a really bashed up phone lol.your diary is a great read and I will continue to go on could be here till Christmas at this rate lol

LOL...Thanx Tommy 🙂

I’m sat here, crying my eyes out over something that happened earlier that has left me all in a pickle & that has just bought a huge smile to my face...I couldn’t begin to explain how much that means so thank you, from the very bottom of my heart.

& my goodness, if you can get through my crazy diary, you so can get back in control of your life - ODAAT

No worries Odatt glad to be of help lol.its a tough addiction to beat that's for.sure this is my forth attempt I'm 31 now my first attempt was when I was 18 and I've been to g a four times the forth ie now.being the hardest but small steps.amd taking each day as it comes.and it's slowly getting easier keep in touch Odatt

“If you're having a bad day, just remember that you've managed to get through every bad day you've had & you'll make it through this one too!”