My Diary of Shame

Thanks for posting this Odaat, today seemed awful earlier but has gradually improved.....you are so right!! Take care S:)

Thank you for the post on my diary - means a lot. Just catching up with your story. How is your weekend going?

“Let go of the past or you will be dragged back to it.”

“Recovery starts when we stop talking & start doing.”

Thanks for the drop by...I did respond on here earlier, but must have done something wrong. Hoping to spend a couple of days in London sometime before Christmas, would be good to meet for a coffee and chin wag x

Hiya Odaat hope your good .just a quick drop by I was on FB on GA support page and I noticed somebody's comment and at end it was ODAAT in capitals I know it's possibly not you but thought it could be so thought I'd ask haha JFT

“Rock bottom is the point when the last thing you lost or next thing you are about to lose is more important to you than a bet!”

Redditor named /r/GSnow posted the following on Reddit:

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

I’m in a crazy place @ the minute, know that what I was doing (nothing) wasn’t working & yet still hoping desperately that something good will come of it.

These last few weeks, I’ve had financial breakthroughs, spending money on a new laptop (because of the 4 in this house, none work), getting out today & replacing my waterproof jacket (that I think I bought close to the start of the new millennium) & generally being happier about parting with cash but my time remains precious & I fear I may have developed a sleeping addiction 🙁

Work remains uncertain although a couple of days ago I had a lightbulb moment which seems to have rejuvenated me but this could purely be down to the fact that I have no work for 4 days!

20th October was my little sister’s birthday (RIP) & I was unusually fragile...Both leading up to it & since. I have no idea if the date has any significance but I wonder if the grieving that I didn’t do 10 years ago is manifesting itself now.

I wasn’t gambling to hide my feelings but I was so focused on finances that nothing or no-one else mattered. I think I may be scared but I’m not turning back, no way. Time to stop talking & start doing - ODAAT

Hugs to you! Keep pushing on.

Cathyx

ODAAT, You are a legend. Keep going bud.

Hi Kelly,

I can't think of anything to say. So, I will just sit here for a minute maybe, you know, to say hey. So, hey...

No thanks ever necessary for caring about a lovely lady that is working her a$$ off on recovery from an incredibly hard addiction that came to be from a lot of incredibly hard life circumstances..

My family is at "peace" ... today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. My son has struggled mightily since the new year. That this addiction is incredibly progressive couldn't be more obvious. God Bless him though as he keeps getting back on that horse. Back to GA which must be the most difficult thing in the world after failing so many epic fails this year. Each return fills me with a bit more hope as he seems to put one more thing in his recovery toolbox.

Your honesty, humour and genuine care on this forum is such a godsend to new and seasoned members alike.

Have a great gamble free day and I shall have a great taking care of myself day!

Cathyx

Hi Kelly, it's ok to feel scared or maybe that should be it's OK to feel. It's not always pleasant, but it is REAL. We are meant to feel sad at times when bad things happen, when life is tough. We are meant to feel joy when things are good. I think, at present, it would be good just to find a middle road, where life is ok. It's good that you are beginning to enjoy and use money as it should be used, recognising its value....what is the point in earning it, if it does not enrich our lives? I know at first gambling for me was a sociable recreation, but at the end the money spent gambling did not enrich my life in any way, it was destroying relationships, destroying me.

'Time remains precious' and 'sleeping addiction'....can you expand a little? Are you sleeping to avoid things? You are not alone in your crazy place....well you may be, I suppose, but I am in a parallel crazy place of my own; because ultimately we are all alone. Just looking at p4 'Climbing the 12 Steps' "I just had to remind myself that it was through sharing that I had managed to stay stopped for the first few days and weeks. I just had to stop fighting and start sharing".

(ha ha, you can see I am making slow progress with the Steps).

Kelly

My dear friend you are upon the right road, that's plain to see, the adage that to truly recover or re(dis)cover ourselves we have to give ourselves away rings true but please remember those very wise words you gifted me, remember first and foremost to look after yourself.

I believe a trait many of us share is the desire to have things done yesterday, often it's the another that impedes our desire and acceptance of this is often challenging and wholly frustrating.

My experience is that in these times addiction wants us to revert to the 'what's the point' mentality and it's desire is to get us to hit the fookital button.

We both know where that leads us, a road we travelled too many times.

Keep focusing on the good your commitment has created.

Because you are worth it.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.