My Diary of Shame

LOL Mart & Lethe 🙂

I’ve been bouncing off of a very dear friend of mine who uses acting as a crutch in relation to people who use humour! It makes him uncomfortable & I myself have previously done a cyber frown (when it felt like the right thing to do) but since I stopped trying to be the director & the actors & the cameraman & the script writer & the leading man & woman plus understudies & the extras & the make-up artists & the ushers & the ice-cream seller, stuff doesn’t phase me like it used to?

I was pushing him on the mirror effect stuff...What is it that these people do that causes the dis ease within him? And that got me wondering why I found it so amusing especially, so it turns out when I analysed it, when it comes from people that I see myself in...All the people being measured in this particular conversation are workaholics with an almost painfully obvious vulnerability. And although I wouldn’t consider myself a workaholic these days, I’m still high functioning against the average Joe so I’ll take it & therefore I need to have an open mind as to me also being vulnerable! This goes completely against the grain & it’s really not like I need to identify any more character defects but I’ve got to stop running!

I absolutely respect his comfort blanket and am almost adamant that it isn’t for me because I think I’m comfortable in my own skin but then I get to thinking I’m acting every day of my life! I use my telephone voice when I’m @ work (well the electrocution (no, that’s not a typo, it’s my witticism) lessons never came in particularly handy when I was playing out on the Estate with my door key on a bit of string round my neck, or when I stubbed my foot & used the f word instead of “oh blow I’d hit my toe” that I’d learned only that week), listen almost tirelessly to boring stories from colleagues not so much swinging a lamp (coz they’re a hundred years younger than me) as pushing a dimmer switch, laugh with people “ha ha haaa” but it doesn’t come from inside, it’s just noise. I love to make people laugh (even @ my expense), I love people thinking I’m the best thing since sliced bread & they couldn’t manage without me (“Kelly who?”), l love being the go-to gal when something needs sorting (“with respect” of course, goes without saying) & I do genuinely believe this to be the case, so when I see it in other people now, it’s fine by me! But they’re character defects...Making people laugh isn’t always @ my expense, I look better when I sell others down the river & there’s no room for angry outbursts in recovery (even if I did thoroughly enjoy my rant tonight about London drivers, driving in accordance with a licence that cost a fiver down the pub, & Google telling me I could definitely turn right down a road that was also closed the last 2 times it told me I could drive down it etc)...And I wonder if I have just become more tolerant of them in others because I’m quite attached to them?

Am I just a glass half full kinda gal, used to being happy with my lot?! I grew up with illness (sister succumbed @ 33 - RIP & Happy Birthday yesterday from all of us) & parents who were addicts & yet I still think I had an incredible childhood! In my head, I’m too selfish to be a people pleaser & I do say No to people, I think, but mostly I realise I never need to coz I’m always doing “it” before they even need to ask (look @ me with my amazing 6th sense, you asking how you’re ever going to get all your work done & me halfway through it before you’ve finished lamenting). Even when I’d wrung my hands in desperation @ another financial battering, I still looked @ other life situations & though how I was the lucky one! Is that why I find stuff funny that other people may consider inappropriate (like someone joking about tree hugging)? When I examine me, I’m comfortable with my moral compass & yet I have no real friends, no particularly healthy relationships outside of my marriage, I needed someone to enlighten me on the depths of loneliness because unless I’m @ either end of an emotional scale, I don’t feel! I’m not as together as my head insists I am because I wouldn’t have chosen addiction & I’ve toyed with the idea that I might not be perfect & even considered that there is going to be stuff that comes out that causes me pain but tonight I think I’m finally @ ease with that!?

My name is Kelly & not only am I a compulsive gambler but I believe I’m on mission to discover that I’m not as perfect or indestructible as I think I am & JFT, I’m ok with that - ODAAT

So apart from 3 days @ work, I’ve been in bed pretty much constantly for over 10 days now (sigh)...It started with what can only be explained as the feeling I’d been eating razor blades & was accompanied by soreness in my neck & a pain in my right wrist that I thought was RSI from so much texting! Over a week later, on an old phone (can’t even call it a brick because it’s perfectly fab but I didn’t download any of my APPs so I can’t touch my banking plus I haven’t even bothered connecting it to the WiFi because that would have been a pain in the a**e too) I’m back in bed @ 8 P.m gearing up for my last 5 shifts in this place. I’m then away for a week in France, with other people (well the NM & one lovely set of in-laws) which I have tried a number of times to wriggle out of & then back home for 1 day whole before I start my new job! I HATE change, it bothers me, plus, I’m still feeling rubbish, & I’m trying to type this on my old phone with teeny tiny writing & keys in slightly different places to what I’m used to & I won’t have been swimming for over a month & I hardly contacted any of my GA friends this week & I didn’t post on any of my groups (or walk the dog except for today) & by some miracle I’m not having a big boo hoo :-0

I may still feel groggy & sound like an old man but mentally, I’m perfectly fine :-0

And that my friends is Recovery!

Hey

I wonder what this bizarre illness is that has gotten hold of you? Wrist pain, neck ache and sore throat are an unusual collection of symptoms... Glad to hear youre beating the s**t out of it though and in time for your trip away too!

Not sure if i'll catch you before you start up the new job so if I don't just wanted to wish you all the best... You know where we'll be if you need to have a moan about it at any point! Hopefully not though, hopefully you'll hit the ground running as they say...

Catch up soon mate!

Wish you better soon.

This morning it’s raining, I’ve a smile on my face, 5 more shifts in this terrible place! I have nothing to moan about & yet I persist, like gambling, it’s become like a permanent cyst! I can change it I know, even have the how but whilst this cold lingers, I’ll hack it for now. 3 hours travel a day soon a thing of the past, new chapter approaches so real & so fast. Change is not something I fear anymore, recovery taught me to show it the door. I like my own mind, my company & space, it may be unhealthy but life ain’t a race. I have people now, teachers & bums & everyday I’m grateful I never did reach the slums! Gambling took me to places of wonder & fear but it doesn’t have to be that way, not now I’m here! Recovery may not be devoid of pain but for the 1st time in life, I finally feel sane. I thank you addiction for all that you took because without what I lost I didn’t know how to look! Didn’t know what to find in the true light of the day, my mind that was lost in the most bizarre way. Welcome back my old friend, I hope you’re to stay, to love me & support me to the end of each day. That’s all I do now, 24 hours is best, what came before can be laid to rest! Happy Thursday to all, time for amends, I’m top of the list when I well wish my friends!

Last day shift in this madhouse...What a crazy, bad a*s day 🙂

What I really want to do is write in minute detail about every lovely second (well the bits where I truly believed I was amazing anyway) but finally, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut (or rather ease my right thumb off a little)! It feels weird smiling to myself & thinking the NM got a lucky break having to leave for work before I got home but I could have downloaded here, gone cyber fishing for pats on the back, instead, I watched some fantastic (ly diabolical by many people’s standards, gratefully I am not them) telly & am tucked up in bed, safe in the knowledge that one of my recovery lights is flickering on today!

It’s ok to know & feel pride in myself, it’s even more ok not to demand that others feel the same way!

Special prayers tonight for little Niall (you know who you are) & Eeyore (you don’t - yet) & well wishes to all you GamCarers - ODAAT

Did you get any nice leaving presents? Speaking of presents... I'm still rocking the amazing tupperware you gave me... im eating out of it on my night shift whilst typing... That joseph Joseph one which I had to YouTube to remember how it comes apart and goes back together again (how embarrassing)

Anyway fair play for fighting through the day and hitting that finish line with gusto... Pastures new lie ahead!!! Enjoy the weekend, gamble free and lurgee free!!! Hooray!!

Nothing tangible but I prefer happy feelings to a load of tut anyday & I’m not actually leaving the department, just moving to a different branch of it so leaving so rules are relaxed (i.e: I’m not expected to buy drinks for people I don’t even like)!

Thanks ODAAT for your comment on my diary. Bad days but what can be done. All the best with what's going on in your life.

Hello kelly ,

Just catching up on a few diaries and have seen that you’ve had a new job placement? Congratulations albeit a bit late.

You must be coming up or have surpassed your 2 year ga membership by now ? How’s that going? Anyway just thought I’d swing by with a high 5.

All the best

Ps haven’t seen any posts from the old chip shop bloke. Do you think the winter has finally finished him off ?

Have a great Christmas and new year x

D

So today I finally discovered what it feels like to alone be in a room full of people! I walked out of work with “silent words of pain” pricking my eyelids, had a little film star style weep on the way home them a full blown snivel into my spaghetti hoops on toast when I walked through the door. I know I’ve been the new girl before & I know I’ve had a really tough time fitting in because I don’t know how to feel relaxed around people but I’ve always had my capabilities to offset that...Oh & addiction to stop me feeling! Today, I didn’t have those...I asked for help from people who were busy but who tried their very best to do so & I asked for more help from other equally busy colleagues when I couldn’t follow the 1st basic instructions. These are work colleagues, the same people who allowed me to isolate work from my addiction & kept me safe for 20 plus years of being active in that addiction but the people helping me were not MY team members & that really hurts!

My program teaches me not to take this personally but that doesn’t stop lonely from hurting! My program teaches me to change my reaction to it but that doesn’t mean I can! Tonight my program took me into a room full of people some of whom I have never met before in my life & I didn’t for one second feel alone. It put me in the spotlight & I sat up proud, me, not my ego & accepted the praise. It gave me the strength to text my mother & ask if she & my Nan would come to the next Watford Open (& for those of you who do know me, THAT is a very big deal) & it will give me the strength to get my r*e back into work tomorrow & keep trying to figure stuff out!

God bless you all - ODAAT

Jason5819 wrote:

Hello kelly ,

Just catching up on a few diaries and have seen that you’ve had a new job placement? Congratulations albeit a bit late.

You must be coming up or have surpassed your 2 year ga membership by now ? How’s that going? Anyway just thought I’d swing by with a high 5.

All the best

Ps haven’t seen any posts from the old chip shop bloke. Do you think the winter has finally finished him off ?

Have a great Christmas and new year x

D

I really miss you round these parts Dude...Nowhere near enough high 5ing these days for my liking!

Thanks for the shout out on the new job (it’s not all as rubbish as the last post suggests, I’m just “rude word” @ being out of my depth & deep sea snorkelling without a mask @ the moment!

GA 2 year birthday will be on the 21st & funny you should mention the old boy, we were talking about him the other day & hope he drops something down the chimney for Crimbo!

Hope you are still doing well my friend...Love & gratitude to you for walking this rollercoaster with me x

Hi Kelly,

Hope all is well with you.

Wow, two years on 21st! You remember what that means?

Best wishes,

Mark x

Lonely always hurts Kelly! I too can find myself feeling lonely in a room full of people and it scares the life out of me as I'm 58 and feel I should have developed a bit more resilience for my age...lol!

You are doing so incredibly well with your recovery. You always ask yourself the hard questions and don't shy away from the dark. Hard, hard work but obviously so worthwhile. It's a shame that more of the newbies that find their way to the forum don't see that the work that you ( and many others of the long term recoverists (not sure that's a word) put in to recovery is proportional to the success that you will have. 🙁

Cathyx

[quote=ODAAT]

[quote=Jason5819]

Thanks for the shout out on the new job (it’s not all as rubbish as the last post suggests, I’m just “rude word” @ being out of my depth & deep sea snorkelling without a mask @ the moment!

As the saying goes , fake it till you make it .

So a room full of strangers seems daunting? Reminds me of the time I went to ga.

You walk through the doors and are confronted by unfamiliar faces, everyone seems to know everyone and are talking about what they’ve been upto in the last week , where do I sit ? What if I sit in someone’s chair? Do I try join the conversation? Or do I do that think I do in the doctors when I don’t want to talk to other people ( read the junk on the wall) In a roundabout way what I’m saying is being the new girl in the office is no different to the day you walked through the doors of ga, it always seems at bit full on at first, but once you settle in you’ll find your place, same as ga really you’re all there for one common purpose.

If you went to ga you’re not a person scared of asking for help. Same as it’s nothing to be ashamed of asking for help at the new place.

Pro tip take a tray of cupcakes and put them on your desk , when they come swarming you use the line “whilst your here could you just help me with this” works every time lol

Have a good one x