My Diary of Shame

Hi Kelly,

Hope eveything is all good in your eventful life.
Just wanted to congratulate you on "you know what!"

It is people like you that inspire hope into degenerate rogues such as I.

This is never the best time of year for the recoverer (if that is a word) but I so hope your strength and stoicism make this the serene and joyous time that it should be for excellent people such as you.

Best wishes,

Mark

We always had shed loads of presents as children, (stockings @ the end of the bed, Father Christmas presents in the morning, family ones in the afternoon) & even in the Band Aid era, when we agreed to send all our Christmas presents to the children in Africa, we didn’t & yet when I was asked about my Christmas memories what sprang instantly to mind was the year I woke up early & opened them all...Except one & I quote “yes, all of them, except the Toblerone coz I know what that is!” 🙁

When pushed for a good memory: I remember standing on an old leather chair putting baubles on the tree. Me & my sister in matching twee velvet dresses with something akin to a doily around the neck (probs very trendy now)...I can practically hear the laughter!

Weeks later, I haven’t come up with any better memories but I have decided that the orange (no idea why I’m compelled to call it that when I know fine well it was more likely to have been a Clementine) in the toe of my stocking (or should that be my very long sock) every year is my most memorable (Toblerone aside) present!

In one breath I’m ashamed by the pain I caused by tearing through my presents alone...My mum’s sad face is there, right @ the front of my memory! I know now how much stress buying them would have generated on her (she was in action throughout my childhood) but it’s testament to her belief that material things is what made me happy & proof of my utter disrespect for everything I was spoiled with. In the next, this is then magnified by my humble present of choice! I learned greed as a child but I’ve learned gratitude as an addict!

This year I have been out of my comfort zone @ Christmas parties, made social plans & stuck to them, added in short notice visits to & from relatives, watched Christmas films, taken time off of work, washed, ironed, cleaned, worn make-up neglected my phone & it actually feels like my first Christmas really living! For most people a night out with friends happens regularly, having lived my lie for so many years, until now, I didn’t have friends outside of work...Now not only do I have my GA family but Sunday night instead of swimming (pool closed) I went out with my swimming friends (i.e: non work/GA people) & I loved it.

I may not have found my feet with the new job yet but my mind & body is very happy that I’m back on 8 hour shifts (with reduced travelling) & even a week of nights starting yesterday hasn’t phased me. I’m off to bed now, the NM has morphed into a wonderful husband over the last few months & when he gets back from work we will sit down to a Christmas dinner resplendent with pigs in blankets, Yorkshire puddings & cranberry sauce (something that was sorely lacking on my “Christmas dinner” party plate on Thursday...I will be reporting them to trading standards!). There’s a very good chance that the Turkey will resemble beef jerky & the sprouts will be the cause of the dog getting the blame for some unusual aromas later on but I don’t care if it sucks because I am just so flipping grateful that my recovery has afforded me this opportunity to live, love & laugh these days!

I will spare some thoughts for people less fortunate than myself & also hope that each & everyone of you that reads this message who hasn’t found the strength to quit yet stops making excuses & gets on with it. For those of you struggling with your abstinence, stick with it but please, get support from professional/charitable services/a 12 Step group. I’ve had some really rubbish days since I stopped gambling but I’d lived way more rubbish ones when I was in action & no financial “win” (not that I can remember any) comes close to this natural high I have now!

Merry Christmas everyone & Happy New Year 🙂

Thanks Kelly, really scared me yesterday but as you say the blocks are there for a reson ti guve you that time there not there to stop you that’s down to us.

You have a great New year and thanks for your support as always x

So, it’s been a while huh...

Thanks for the shoutout on my 2nd birthday Markman 🙂

I’d like to say I’ve been away from my screen but that would be a complete lie! I’ve been hard @ it recently; compulsively “doing my finances” for no apparent reason & even more compulsively playing 2 games, one of which involves letters that helps me mentally justify the inordinate amount of recent screen time 🙁 The Duolingo Spanish that I attacked with such gusto when I 1st downloaded it is only ever mistakenly opened of late, can’t bring myself to even use that to while away time whilst I wait for my lives to refresh. Barely read any of the messages on my support groups, let alone respond to any or reach out to people. I even have a pretty good book on the go that I can’t seem to pick up.

I know that this behaviour is because I’m unsettled but it’s weird, I know I am but I don’t feel it...I’m strangely calm?

I’m like a fish out of water (aka completely bleeping useless) in my new job but I’m so relieved to be on 8 hour shifts again that the pros far out weigh the cons 🙂 This week I’ve finally been babysat & as far as I can tell, for no ulterior motive...It feel weird! I don’t mind needing help but until I found this place & GA, I didn’t think people really existed that did this sort of thing. I’ve been with this employer since Feb ‘93 & apart from the obvious teething problems with any new role, I’ve always picked stuff up really quickly & don’t ever recall requiring any real one on one assistance before. Coincidentally however, ironically, I was playing the “do you know...” game earlier in the week & turns out someone’s husband remembered me for just that...Stepping in to help when he felt abandoned!

Or as Maya Angelou said: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I’m going through cycles of fits & starts, doing housework, not doing housework (mostly not), making myself walk the dog, not having the energy to walk him when there’s really no excuse not to...It’s kinda exhausting but it is what it is & unless I change it, it doesn’t change! I trained 2 nights on the bounce Sat & Sun...A 5k run & 2 core circuits totalling less than one pool session but the DOMS is outstanding. At 46, (looking more like 21, of course, albeit behaving like 12 @ times) I can no longer pull runs or activity sessions out of the bag like I used to & I’m currently sore to the touch, have to hover like it’s a public loo coz I can’t bear to sit down. I like it, it’s like poking a bruise...I know this kind of feeling, it’s the mental ones that are unfamiliar after being anaesthetised for so long by my gambling.

Part of me wants to delete the game, another part doesn’t want to let it go, equally, all of me knows that no matter how often I check my accounts, the numbers aren’t going to be changing in my favour...It’s not a problem, I can stop if I want to! Old familiar thought processes & as much as I am reluctant to agree that I need meetings there’s definably a correlation between not having made any recently & this semi-manic behaviour!

I love this place, it’s so cathartic writing & call it what you will, I feel my higher power has pushed me here for a reason tonight. I’ve just watched Inside Out (again) & I find it so relatable especially the bit where sadness doesn’t have the energy to help herself. I don’t feel sad but my energy levels are low & my motivation is still seriously lacking. Earlier today, I was happy with my lot, not planning on making any resolutions that I would only break & content to be a mental loafer...Seeing it written down in black & white, not so much.

First things first, I’ve just deleted that non word game...Surprise surprise, it’s no big loss, numbness I guess rather than any feelings of relief or sadness. Next, I’ve messaged someone about training in the morning & the kidz about meeting up this weekend. Now to get my rear end out of my pit for a couple of hours since I’ve been in it for the best part of 12 hours today & after that who knows but without the go to game maybe I’ll get a proper sleep tonight.

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone...I hope 2019 brings you all peace & serenity!

Hi ODAAT, as usual thought provoking and very interesting post x I wish you all the best for 2019, gambling will never beat you x you are too strong to let that happen x paul x

Can’t even look @ my husband right now...His crime, getting breakfast & putting the telly on (football AGAIN...Aaarrgghhhh) before engaging in a bit of banter that I tried to start about him having a lie in! It is something that gets on my nerves, him suggesting that he never has one despite regularly still being in bed @ 1100 but he’s the one who got the dog & since on most days the only reason why either of us needs to be up is the dog, why the f**k should I feel guilty! Until that point, I was having a good day having worken up @ 0930 ish feeling human...A vast improvement on yesterday’s dragging myself out of bed just slightly before midday only to go back a few hours later for a 5 hour “nap”?!? I’m now sat in a lay-by on the A41 because it feels like nothing gives me enjoyment anymore? I’m already wondering if I should skip swimming tonight despite it being the 1st session back since Christmas closing. It occurred to me about 60 seconds prior to this latest outburst that the reason I may spend so much time in bed/away from him is my aggressive distaste for pretty much everything he has on the telly...And it is ALWAYS on! So, I’m sad & I’m cold coz the engine is too rattly to have on & it’s not ok because I don’t want this life I have @ the moment! I don’t want to keep taking 2 steps forwards & a giant leap back, I don’t want to celebrate getting over 5000 steps in one day or hate the person I love most in the world & I know the only person who can change this is me but I don’t think I have the energy!

JFT I Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests - hurry and indecision: I’ve messaged him! It’s a rubbish apology with a huge “but” but it’s a step further than I was 20 minutes ago because I really can’t go on like this, not for me & not for him, we both deserve better! There isn’t one person on here doing recovery well on their own...I can kid myself as much as I want that I am doing great & for the best part I am but I’m not there yet & I won’t be whilst I stubbornly continue to think I am my own higher power! I’ve tried, repeatedly, to do things my way & I’ve had a stab @ working the Steps...There’s no denying, it’s the latter that has bought me the best results! I’m lazy, I’m irresponsible & I have the tools to make the changes. Words are cheap but seeing this written in black & white makes it real & I know I have choices...It’s about time I start making the right ones!

Hi Kelly,

So let's see what I have here:

One affirmative nod, and a hug. That's what I got. It's yours. -joan

Hey Odaat.
Thanks very much for your comments. After years of self destruction I have finally came to my senses! Staying positive is key to my recovery! I know I have a long road ahead and this site has been amazing for me. Together we are stronger. Keep up the fight.

“I don’t quite see the problem.” The Old Goat 19/01/2019

So got a text from my Mum on Friday...Nan is poorly (the text is basically my mum begging for me to pick up the phone). She’s 90 years old & had had stress upon stress with us over the years so it never comes as a surprise to hear she’s unwell only this this time feels a bit different! Death has never really troubled me & I guess it’s kind of my default position to wish her a peaceful end whenever life starts getting difficult for her, or rather more selfishly, me, but this time I cared enough to say I couldn’t make the call. I don’t know why I couldn’t but I have been bursting into tears for the last 2 weeks whenever anyone asks how work is going so that was a super convenient excuse. Only it unsettled me & being long overdue a hook up with my sponsor, that I was on the verge of “firing” in the week, off I drove to West London yesterday, where it invariably came up. He does not work the steps the way I expected to work them but every time I doubt him, something happens to prove to me that he knows the program inside out...He also has an uncanny way of pulling words out of me that I don’t even know are there & perhaps more importantly, helps make sense of them.

5 mins after saying goodbye I was parked in a lay-by blubbing down the phone to Nan...1 hour & 3 minutes of emotion & another bloody thing to add to my amends list! We laughed, I cried, she told me stuff I needed to hear & most important of all, we bonded! I’m somewhat disturbed that a little old lady who had to be taught basic fractions by my grandad so she could go back & re-interview for a job, has never been around the program & doesn’t entirely understand addiction comes out with so much stuff that I have & seen written over the last few years but was completely oblivious to before because it must mean it is common sense to some degree. I don’t know how or why it passed me by for so long! It was also incredibly sobering to hear her bitterness over my upbringing that she attributes to my life choices...I have come round to that idea now even if it’s still not glaringly obvious why. I discussed my program & how I didn’t know if I would ever be able to make amends & her answer was simply to never walked past anyone struggling?!? All this pressure I’ve put on myself over the last few years & she’s more than happy to hear I help people with their shopping & up/down the escalators...Wants a line drawn under the pain & regret because we’ve all done bad things that we can’t change! I still don’t know why I can do things for random strangers but can’t pick up the phone to my own family, maybe I’ll never truly know why it got this bad but I do know that after yesterday I’ve got way more chance of getting through it than I ever had before. I DID need to hear her say she had gotten angry with me, I didn’t expect it to be something I didn’t remember (her struggling with lunch whilst on crutches as I sat & watched on) but I’ve never been comfortable them putting me on a pedestal because I hadn’t earned that right...Today I know I have no control in how my family choose to feel about me & instead of trying to control their emotions, accept them & be grateful that they have shown me forgiveness. I am grateful for all my scars because it’s my life experiences that have made me who I am today but I can’t make this journey alone! Barely 24 hours ago I didn’t even realise I was trying to punish myself for all the hurt I have caused over the years let alone that making amends comes in all different shapes & sizes! My Nan is an absolutely incredible woman, as is my Mum & maybe one day I’ll have the strength to tell them x

Hey

I came to the realisation recently that before I told myself that it would never be possible for me to thank my dad for managing to bring me up all the way to the end despite being a hapless addict because I don't really like him, he was a s**t on so many occasions in the past etc etc

But then I realised even if I harbour these feelings about him, it still doesn't negate my gratitude for his efforts to battle through to rear his cattle despite his problems... I mean my boy is still wet behind the ears and I almost destroyed everything so early on so my soapbox is pretty redundant in this respect...

Anyway I realised now that I won't tell him how thankful I am because it will be a gesture of love and affection... And vulnerability on my part... And we addicts don't do vulnerability do we... Who knows how he would react? What would he say? How would he take it? What hidden sides of my persona would I be revealing to him through this grandiose exclamation?

Too much relinquishing control for my liking.

But since this is how I'd like to roll these days maybe I will tell him sometime.

I was listening to a song earlier and the lyrics were 'let yourself go, make your true self known, don't be afraid of who you are anymore'

Take care mate ;o)

How's work by the way?

:o)

(Sorry I couldn't help myself... Feel free to whack me next time we meet) :o)

All the time I was skipping along along, “Oops, stepped in dog doo, thanks Higher Power!” styley I could justify not needing to actually work my program because I was happy! A few weeks ago I had a situation that I struggled to process as it caused a conflict of interest with my work...It bought back very painful memories of other people affecting my moods & made me question my place @ the GA table because what if I couldn’t fulfil Step 12 🙁 At the time I know categorically, from the feeling in the pit of my stomach, that this is exactly what I felt but as time has healed, this has simply been yet another excuse not to work the program.

The GA program is for anyone with a desire to stop gambling...No caveats or clauses, no need to feel worthy of it & certainly no need to stop the “race” now because I might not make the finish line! What is Step 12 anyway? I’ve barely opened the wrapping on Step 4 & I’m already worried that I might not want to drop my rock which is more like a bag of ugly rockery stones, than one big giant rock (& to those of you not attending 12 Step meetings worried that I might need the “men in white coats” after all, that’s the getting rid of my character defects bit that I and especially my ego have cherished for so long) which is Step 6 & a whole history world away from where I am @ today, never mind Step 12!

Excuses, blame, rationalising & more excuses...Everything I detest in other people, only now I recognise it! I want everyone to be like me...Only a little less brilliant @ the good stuff, just to keep my ego fed & preferably none of the bad if you don’t mind because that mirror is sooo hard to look in!

Reality is, I’ve had another 2 nights of plenty of bed hours but roughly 3 hours of sleep & I’m partly doing that to myself by acting out work fantasies that make me the super hero & everyone, I feel isn’t treating me like royalty, a couple of losers. I recognised @ work yesterday that my attitude towards a situation that I should have been honoured to have been put in was marred by abject fear! I was going to fail, it was a forgone conclusion, so the only expectations on me were those I bestowed upon myself! I’ve been out of the game as it were for the best part of 5 years, answering phones & passing the buck instead of getting down & dirty @ the sharp end...Now I’ve been placed into an enviable position that rusty or otherwise I’m not qualified to be in & I’m scared witless only I’ve never recognised these feelings before. The shaking & the reddening & the sweating (my goodness the b.o) were just that before, physical reactions...Only now I’m not anaesthetised from morning to night they’re accompanied by thoughts & feelings & I’m not coping! I’m projecting this onto people, places & things I have no control over because I genuinely don’t know how to process them!

Fortunately I wasn’t aware of the anaesthetic effect of gambling (just figured my attraction to it was greed) & so thankfully I’m still as far off a bet as I’ve ever been since starting this journey but all the things that caused me to hang up my lottery hopes and walk through the doors of GA in the first place are creeping back because abstinence alone is not enough for me! I’m still not working the program which is there for me like the blueprint it always has been but something in me just won't surrender I don't know why. Missing meetings still doesn’t make me want to bet but there’s a correlation with my state of mind. Firing my sponsor failed spectacularly because he’s walked in my shoes, used my bs lines, knows what a flake an addict can be & kept me distracted just long enough that I left without saying what I wanted to say...A bit like popping out for bread but only coming back with ice-cream (it really does have healing properties you know)!

I recognised that today & instead of squirrelling my leave like a savings plan I blew 4 hours & used it to take care of me! I went shopping, cooked some food, had a nana nap & took myself off to my GA home...I needed a meeting! Not to sound cool like all the addicts on telly do when they say it but because I needed to get my stuff out & not get plaudits or advice back...How different from my early days when I wanted to hear how important everyone thought my problems were!

I went in feeling lost & full of fear, blubbed my way through a therapy (almost one of the 1st out of the block for a change), laughed loads, cried some more & came out calm & full of hope.

Actions not excuses - ODAAT

Odaat
With strength and honour my friend.
Funny because I believe that 12 stepping is akin to carrying one of those drums like they have to draw the next round of the fa cup from, ours has twelve balls in and we can draw any one of them at any given time and work it.
The difference is once drawn the ball is put back for another day.
For me the steps get worked over and again.
There's no end point for me, just a lifetime of opportunity to better each step.
That's my spin.
Funnily I remember getting lambasted by a couple of authors for writing this upon my own thread but still I hold the same belief.
Rediscovery is different for all of us, the outcome is what matters.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

I did write this in relation to the “How do you replace that buzz?” thread but it’s not in the debates & this is another me, me, me post so it probably belongs here rather than there:

People, the poison comment wasn’t in relation to one particular difference of an opinion...It was a litany of unhelpful negative posts from that person.

How can an addict in action possibly answer this question though...Surely people not in recovery don’t know what options are out there or they would be taking them!?!

I have watched the documentary you mention Charley & would say there is already plenty more research in the area if you are minded to seek it out. I find your post unusual because you accept that you were chasing the false high but now that you can’t gamble anymore you are perfectly happy “just like before”...I stopped using my main poison as it were (fruit machines) & after a fairly short lived (about 1 year) euphoria of “well done me I’m gamble free” I sank into a pit of despair because without gambling & the drama that It bought me, I didn’t really know how to live. You also question why some people get addicted & others yet believe “we” were all happy people before we found addiction? From what I understand, most people who 1st take a drag on a cigarette don’t instantly think “WOW, that was incredible, I must try it again immediately!” & I’m not convinced that heroin users are drawn to the burnt foil & dirty needles...Smokers & junkies don’t fall in love @ 1st go with their poison like we do but they are still chasing that same chemical hug (with the added side effect of a physical reaction) because there is something not right with their lives. Most addicts were not happy & content before they found addiction. Many people talk about not fitting in, being anxious, unable to control thoughts rushing round in their minds, a general dis-ease if you like. Addiction soothes that & for people like me who didn’t know I was using it as an escape from me, gambling can easily be justified as “fun”. Cutting off the supply as it were generally leads people elsewhere (cross addicting) & even for us gamblers, how many times have you read on here that people move onto different forms of gambling as they self exclude! I personally wouldn’t have dreamed of stepping foot inside a bookies until I self excluded from everywhere else & yet despite that I must have loved gambling in them to keep racing back. When I 1st arrived here, I was absolutely certain that my only problem was greed but as my journey has progressed, I have accepted that it has nothing to do with money & everything to do with me. I also realised that despite the best of intentions, I have in retrospect, behaved appallingly throughout my adult years & what I thought were my strongest assets @ the time are in fact over-bearing/bullying character defects. Now that I don’t gamble I have not simply gone back to the person I was before...I’m still an awful person @ times but I recognise that now & try not to be.

Maybe I just gambled too long to remember the buzz & maybe I have had a bit of a spiritual awakening as the literature would say but as Down and Out has so eloquently explained people actually in recovery saying not only that there is a way to replace is but they have experienced it for themselves is surely more agreeable than people bluntly saying don’t waste your time...I’m an addict, I look for the easy way out, if there’s a post like mine that wouldn’t look out of place in the Doomsday Book saying, “yes it can” or a bitter 2 liner saying “no it can’t” I’m all for the path of least resistance on the latter, especially if it means I can keep justifying what I’m doing. I have had highs since I stopped gambling that have gone on for hours & days & that weren’t followed by the inevitable robbing Peter to pay Paul & even with the crushing lows, I choose these feelings any day over what I recognise now to be numbness of my gambling days. They didn’t come from simply stopping though (simply abstaining bought me misery)...They have come from being part of something bigger than me & my ego, other addicts who have walked in my shoes guiding me through my recovery program & caring about me (all stuff I completely dismissed @ the start of this journey when I thought I was stronger than addiction)!

Hey Kell's or should I say " Lady GA GA " now :)) see what I did there !! .

Sorry for not giving you a big shout out the other day , I've already been to Bal's to apologise for missing his " Biggun " read into that what you will :)) .

As you well know I'm getting on a little now and the memory's not that great at times but just to let you know I';m tghinking of you and thank you as alway's for the part youv'e played in my life story so far :)) xx .

Off to start work in a mo and need to catch up with another on here who I also forgot to mention , to find out when he's coming for Fish n Chip's . ( No pressure eh ? ) :)) .

Talk to you soon Special K

PoP's xx