My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Hi Blocked,

Good to meet you in chat. Listen, I'm no expert but your last post indicates to me that you are still considering gambling. I may be wrong? I don't know. Only you have that answer.

How low do we have to go before enough is enough......only you have that answer.

I am thinking of you and I hope you are strong enough to put every obstacle in the way of your compulsive gambling addiction. It's the only way Blocked........stop it and stop it now.

Look after yourself Blocked.......Jas xx

Hi Jasmine and nice meeting you also in the chat. You are right that yes I am at the moment constantly considering gambling but I am trying to fight the urge which is strong in this period. Last bet was 8 hours ago. Tomorrow I start Again (again) If I continue from this point on to gamble I will loose everything. My home, my business my wife everything. For tomorrow I am saying to myself I am determined NOT to gamble. I am not going to look 2 days ahead I am only taking this at the moment 1 day at a time. For tonight and for tomorrow I will not gamble. Take care u to. Blocked

Just spoke to my wife. No I have not told her about my addiction but I did manage to say to her I think its best if she grabs a wad out of the bank tomorrow and stash it away in the bedroom. Excuse I used was it will give us extra money for when the kids are on school holidays. Also told her stock up cupords / fill car with petrol. Dont use cards just take cash from the bank. Get the kids what they need ect. Thats one way to limit me from getting my hands on the funds. If anyone is wondering I work away from home quite a bit abroad so we live by phone calls txt messages etc quite a bit of the time. Its an unusal situ not only for the work but also for other reasons which I dont need to go into. My gambling just complicates things beyond belife. Tomorrow though I wantmy wife to rob our bank and use the money in the right way. Is this step 1 for me ? I really really hope so.

Blocked.

Read somthing last night on another gmabling help forum. "You have choice either to gamble or not to gamble"

Today my choice is "I will not gamble today"

and somhow Im confident this morning that I wont. For today I wont gamble.

Morning Blocked,

Well you've made a great start by asking your wife to pull out the cash from your bank account. I learnt from here that:-

MONEY + TIME = GAMBLING

Take either away and you can't gamble.

Now you have taken the cash out of the equation you need a plan for what you are going to do with your time.

I agree with "choosing not to gamble". It's what I have been doing. The choice is yours now Blocked. Be strong and take it slowly.......you can do it I'm sure.

Jas x

Hi blocked, this is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do, to try and stop the gambling cycle, every day of my life at the moment is a struggle, but, i do have means to work through it financially if i am disciplined, i have put every block i can on to stop me gambling, i dont beelive any of us actually take the choice to stop gamblign, i beleive that gambling forces US to stop at some point, does that make sense?

there is only one way to win, thats to face up to debts, face up to what we are doing and stop. oh its sooooo not easy, that urge, that one more bet and it will be ok again, it never is, never.

good luck with your fight against this addiction blocked, do keep putting your thoughts on here, do keep trying to get conrol of your life again, and, your peace of mind.

G x

Hi Blocked

You mention a 5 month target, thats not long at all you know, I'm looking at next Feb for me, and I think thats really close.

5 months ago was last feb, think what you were doing then, it'll seem like yesterday, so the next 5 months will whizz past too, and you're there.

Thats how I'm approaching it, 12 days casino free for me today, thats 12 days closer to my Feb 2010 target to clear my debts.

Lets stick together here Blockedout, we'll see you through the next 5 months and then you can stick around for the extra couple of months for me!!!!!

Be strong mate

Dave

Well its been a while since I added to my diary. thanks for all the replys in my absence. Very rude of me to stay away. Anyway where am I today ? I didnt quit and kept on going back to the online casinos. A real roller coaster ride high low very low etc. Have not gambled the past few days and managed somhow to get through the start of the kids summer hols without blasting every last £ at the usual casino haunts. I am aware now of a very set pattern of self destruction. Hard to put into words but I know what it is - I feel it. Very depressed many days about my addiction and endless inability to gain control and be a gambler that does not gamble. My work life makes it almost impossible to get into therapy or even have therapy here as I work so much out of the UK. Tomorrow is day 3 without a bet. And I know tonight i wont gamble.

Apologies first for not replying to some of the replys I was given here when I was last posting to my diary. Seems though im back again. At the moment this is not a recovery diary by any means. I am in the midddle of real hell at the moment. Gambling has gone from bad to extreme. Much has happen over the past few months and much has been lost. Car has been repossed and house was almost under a re-possion order. I managed though to save that ... just. The debts are piled sky high and daily letters arrive screaming for money ... which now I dont have as its all been gambled away. Im treading water at the moment and sinking fast. Last night again for 10001 time uninstalled all casinos. Installed betfilter but it didnt block any of the casinos apart from 1 that I gamble at. Other issue is im very pc savy and have always been able to find a way to remove blocking software. This time maybe I will change the admin password to the pcs I work on and give that to a work partner so I wont be able to get to the files I need to edit / remove blocking software. I suppose its worth a try. If I dont stop gambling nothing will be left. My self esteem is at a record low ... and this mess at the moment is almost to much. I know only 1 thing at the moment. Im depserate to stop. Its not just the direct finanical loss thats bad enough , but when im gambling online im not working. I have wasted 100s of hours this year when I should have been giving attention to my buisness. Through this the situation becomes graver. I started gambling Nov 2008 after almost a year clean. Today i think is my 5th attempt to deal with my issues and try again. But today at 8am I have no faith in myself that I can do this. Lets see.

Morning Blocked,

Try netline...one to one chat. It works wonders.

Hang in there....you are in safe hands here.

Jas x

Hi Jasmine thanks for the reply. Been reading alot today and also spoke to a councillor online from another support site. Was looking at a photo this evening in the kitchen from last years holiday in Florida. The kids all beaming having the time of their life. How different it was then I had not started gambling again, life was looking good. This year the kids didnt have a holiday down mostly to their superb dad blowing £1000s and £1000s with 100s of hours alone gambling. Loss for them and loss for me. I feel dreadful guilt. I think I am going to try use that picture - put it in my office and everytime I think im going to gamble I should take a long hard look at that image. I have to make a real commitment as i really want to stop. Not just I need to stop. Can u belive that during my working hours I many times stop working mid flow, login to a casino and can loose 20 50 100 or 200 in a few minutes or few hours. When im gambling im not working - when im not working im not earning. So not only have I lost what ever I was gambling with but I also loose vaulable work time which in todays unstable financial market is near on business suicide. I think I can save the buisness (just) and probably can save the house. But only if i dont gamble. Im on the final throw of the dice here. 1 or 2 more large loosses and it all goes. Read alot today .. other peoples storys - so much damage out their. Im angry so ANGRY at the moment with myself the world the casinos. Going to eat with the children tonight. Maybe watch a movie. I cant gamble today becuase I dont have the funds. Thursday I do ... no idea how I will get through that day. But i really want to and really need to wake up Friday morning without placing 1 single bet anywhere.

Hi Blocked,

Goodness, we have all been there. Hanging by a thread financially but it still doesn't stop us. What is it with this gambling brain?

You sound really determined this time and as you say, maybe this is the last throw of the dice! I so want to see you succeed. First things first is to protect yourself from yourself. You say you will have access to funds Thursday.............get that cash somewhere SAFE. It's the only way Blocked.....no funds = no gambling.

Take it easy and stay strong.

Jas x

Day 2: Well I suppose this is day 2 as I didnt gamble yesterday but didnt really have money on the cards I use to fund my addiction so its not any kind of landmark. Last night after switching down the PC finishing work I thought about how I would have funded the gambling through yesterday if I had not been where I was. It probably would have meant getting my wife to transfer cash onto 1 of my accounts with some lame excuse it was needed to pay a bill or somthing. Anyway I didnt do that. Today I have limited entry to some funds that landed on my account. Its 7.50am and im up ready to start work. Im not going to gamble today im sure of that. Tomorrow will be harder as we have more funds arriving. As you said Jasmine move them out of range. Not sure how practical that would be ... its a complext financial situation we have at the moment to say the least. I am determined but also feel terrified of failing. I cant afford to fail and I dont just mean in regards to money. Interesting Jasmine , hanging by a financial thread - yet we dont stop. Its that chase - quick fix - get me out of here win big and clear the mess. Never works though as most of us know. So day 2 ... I cant and wont gamble today. Watched a movie last night and slept pretty good. Apart from the fact I ate to much choclate in bed which wasnt so smart. But no im not going to quit the calory bars not now not ever 😉

Day 2 part 2. No gamble today. Had some money that I could have gambled. Didnt. Tomorrow is another day I need to get through. Now tonight instead of wasting £££ im going downstairs to spend time with the kids.

Day 3 : Well I managed to get to day 3 still no gambling. Yesterday I took my wife for lunch during the time I would have been prone to gamble. I cant deny it was a good feeling. Today though feel depressed about it all again , also I keep getting stacks of emails from different casino accounts offering a whole range of those "bonuses" I still have no self excluded and no that in some cases they wont exclude anyway 🙁 makes me angry they are chasing me as a customer but Im using that anger to help my determination in not gambling. I feel today I can get through without placing a bet. My finances though remain a total mess and I understood yesterday it will take months and months to try clear the whole mess. Cant belive how many 1000s i have wasted. Even with those 3 small days bet free i feel low today. The urge came to me last night to gamble but i didnt so thats somthing I suppose.