My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Hi Blocked out

Just for today dont gamble, deal with tomorrow when it comes, urges will no doubt come today, you be in control and dismiss them, urges wont hurt unless you act on them. Gambling will only put you in an even bigger finiacial mess, if you dont gamble it cant get any worse, and you can start to rebuild and make plans to clear it up. Gambling today will lead to only hurt, anger, depression, guilt, amongst other things. Take care mate and keep strong.

neil

Hi NNS yep I know if I gave into the urge then it would be a whole lot worse than today is. And I feel strong enough today to be pretty sure I wont gamble today but I also know that the not gambling is becuase I felt so bad about my last loosing session which prompted me again to make a real renewed effort to stop. Scared of what happens when that cloud lifts and I wake up one morning feeling positive. Last time that happened I "celebrated" by gambling ... and well we know the story. Thanks Neil for your reply. D.

Hi Blocked,

Good to hear your fighting this problem still, sometimes it all to easy to think sod it, i'll go and get some money and gamble! Hang in there mate, the rewards are still to come when you start having money in your pocket again!

Stay strong mate!

James

Hi James yep im still fighting and almost through day 3. I keep staring at an image of my kids last year in Florida to remind me of what I will loose if I place another bet! Im ok about being broke if the money is spent on debts. Unlike up until 4 days or so ago it wasted chasing and feeding my addiction. Thanks for your reply and best back to you as well. Cheers .D.

Hi Again.

Glad to see you staying close to this site today, when you could easily be tempted to gamble. Shows good determination and hopefully on the road to recovery from this terrible addiction.

neil

Day 4 : Ok so here I am on day 4. My last bet was Monday evening. So far have managed to stay away. Last night hit the sac early and watched a movie with the wife - The Damned United. Good film btw then around 10.30pm got up to take a glass of water when I stopped in the kitchen and thought I will go upstairs and have a few bets. What shocked me was the fact I had in that moment I had totally forgotten my own commitment to stop. It took a minute or 2 to remember - depressed me. And for a good 5 minutes I battled with the urge - pathetic downstairs half way through the night wanting to run upstairs and launch a casino. I didnt and ended up back in bed. Woke this morning and for a second had to think again if I had actually gambled last night. Was releif to know I had not! The weekend will be tough, lots of free time and thats when I could be prone to long sessions especially if I had funds on cards or ewallets etc. Day 4 is a small step for me but one I have not been at for many many months. Yes today I feel I can make it through DAY 4 Clean. And Neil your correct is advising to "stay close to this site" its kind of like a lifeline at the moment. The one place I can vent talk or just write where others seem to understand what is happening. Best wishes to all .D.

Hi blockedout,

Well done on getting through day 4. Each time you do it, you feel a little bit stronger. As the days pass, the urges subside. It does get easier, keep going, onward and upward from now on.

DT.

Hi DT well yes it should get easier. Somtimes its by the hour to resist the urge. Again earlier thoughts of breaking out a casino were on my mind. I havent and wont today. Terrible feeling to shake of though somtimes. Thanks for the reply and good luck withyourself also! .D.

This place is amazing to come to, instead of going online and having a bet come on here and read how everybody else is getting on and everybodys determination stops you from having that urge to have a bet, you see everyones story at the start of the diary and you think god i dont want to feel like that again today. Its good what your doing keep it up and wish you all the best

Day 5 : Well as it says im now into day 5. Yesterday was the closest I came all week to failing in my new quit. I went onto chat for a few mins which was good then switched down the pc. Forced myself not to log back in and woke up this morning knowing I had not placed a bet. The urges come at the most weird times and can hit really hard. Im worried that I will give in to them at some point. Dont know how strong I am on this to be honest. The phone keeps ringing alot, creditors chasing hard for unpaid bills credit cards and such like. I have to really start facing this side of the issue next week. I have though got to the weekend with money left in the account which normally would have been blown with my online gambling. My next goal is to make it to day 6. I so much want this to be my last quite and have failed so many many times. Best thoughts to all. .D.

Hi JonMark88 yes it is for some a lifesaver including for myself. So much better to spend an hour here reading or writing than to spend 10 hours gambling away your life. Good look and best wishes with your own battle! .D.

Day 0 (Zero) : Yep day zero I screwed up when I should be on day 6 now. I think I will stop counting. Strange - logged into a casino and saw a free chip - and yes I played. Worse thing is i Won! Yes I cashed out - then I gave my wife some £ for shopping. Then today we went out for lunch on these ill gotten gains. Some would say hey why complain you won. I dont even know if I should write this here. My head is done in. I feel guilt though and hated my meal. I did not loose any "family" money but I gambled. Its like not having to pay for your own heroin - does not make it right or ok. Head is a mess. An honest post about a miserable end to what was turning out to be such a positive week. Cant write anymore tonight.

Yes an honest post and you say it yourself its not the money so much its what the gamble does in ones headspace.. feelings of guilt and misery like you say. In many ways a win is the worst thing that can happen to an addicted gambler.. the gambling head starts to say that the same can happen over and over again and that gambling can still be a fun way to make more money and pass time.

If your anything like me though you would be deluding yourself. You would be highly likely to return to how you were gambling before... its would just be a question of time and then the resulting financial drain and personal misery that follows. Take your slip as a warning.. install blocking software.. do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. Regards.. S.A

OK im ashamed to say the past 12 days I failed yet again in halting my problem. Have read through some of the diarys and posts here and its a minefield of misery and early commitment to quit gambling. Somtimes its so depressing to read. Good though to see the rays of sunshine where some people have managed to quit and stay quit. Im not in that group. So where am I at the moment ? Pretty much at the bottom of the pit. I have again self excluded myself from all online casinos I play at. They are many more out their so this is just a small part of trying to get back to quitting. A few of the casinos will only "close" your account with no commitment to exclude for a period of months. Instead they cover themselves with closing the account but it can re-opened by contacting them. I sat a while thinking about this and kind of understand im on my own on this. Even if every casino on the planet was to block me for life if I wanted to gamble I would find a way. I need a whole change again in my thought process and how to really really try work through the early stages of quitting.

This is not day 1 just a re-open of my diary. Earlier this month I felt I was doing well no gambling then it all went wrong from around the 20th up until now. I have no idea how much time I wasted and how many £££ but I think in both cases its high numbers. Maybe 30 hours playing and possibly 2 to 3k lost. Money gone - self esteem again gone. Family let down (they dont know) I cant really cope with this today , dont worry Im not looking for sympathy just blurting out how I feel. The only half decent thing is I didnt win a thing in the past 10 days or so. Which again brought me back round somhow to the sense that god I need to stop and stop NOW. Every night I have laid in bed worrying - depressed - sick to the teeth of my addiction.

So this is my 4th or 5th attempt last one lasted around a week at the most. Apologies for the rant. .D.

Another update - installed betfilter again this time in such a way that the only way I could uninstall would be to fully reformat my HD. A few of the casinos i play at were not blocked, spoke to the tech support and they are adding them to the data base as I type. Also another casino emailed me with confirmation of full exclusion. Wish they could all do this 🙁

I so bad want to and need to stop.