So here I am again at day 2 of my yet again new recovery. Honesty is the best way forward with myself to start with then with my diary and maybe in the long run with my family. Im not ready to explain anything to my wife yet as it could spell the end of our marrige.She is under pressure and depressed by our lack of money, I always explain it away as being down to bad business resession and such like. In part thats true, but also we would not be in as bad shape as we are now if I had not gambled. Its about 1 year to the day that I started gambling again after nearly a full year clean. I know if I managed a full year before that I can over come this again, but this time for the duration of my life.
Exclusion is in place for the casinos I played at and Im trying out betfilter on the Pc I gamble with.
Popped into the gamcare chat last night it was pretty d**n empty. But spoke to Rob for a few mins, had a chat about how I felt when I excluded myself from a number of casinos and how it felt like I was letting go of a dear friend. One of the casinos I self excluded from was pariticualry hard to do as it was the one place where I have not actually lost so much this ast year of gambling. But I knew it had to be the first on the list to go as it was the place I would gamble at most in recent months. I missed it when I excluded and I miss it today. Saturdays were a prime day to gamble. Free time, and such like. So instead I have decided to put some extra hours into work try to re-earn some of what I have lost (which is 1000s and 1000s) Oh and nice little figure here - 62k in debt! What a great fella I am. £62.000 thats the harsh cold reality and results of my addicition.
Tonight is scary night for my 3 kids - masks and make up bought and then to a bonfire after they raise havoc in the village going trick or treating. Im lucky as the bonfire is only £1.00 entry so I can ride that and make sure they have a really fun time. I should be feeling very low today becuase of the horrid loss yesterday that prompted my new quit. But I dont ... maybe becuase finally I excluded myself again not sure. But I welcome this feeling and am going to try use it. At least for today.
I also know (dont know how but I know) that today I wont gamble. Even though their is a little money left in the bank. Good and positive thoughts to each and everyone of you in your own struggles what ever they might be! .D.
Had a really productive morning lots of work done. My only side track was coming to this site to read through some posts. Its a bit different from when I stop working mid flow to open up a casino. Habbits are strong things. Around hour and half ago I punched in a url to a gambling forum I visit daily. Site was blocked becuase of Betfilter then I rememberd no I cant access those sites. For a minute though I was fully unaware that I had made a renewed commitment to myself to beat / halt my addiction.
Im sure anyone who reads any part of my diary will say "oh boy been here before ... how long will he last this time before letting his urges and addiction get the better of him" ...
Im saying that to myself also one way round at this moment here and now is to come here and write somthing. We have money for food today ... wouldnt have if I had gambled it all away. Small steps ... 1 inch at a time.
Into day 3 I arrive. Yesterday was a good day but difficult on the money front. Took the kids to an open air fireworks display, much to my horror their was some fun fair rides and we didnt have much cash on us. Luckily my wife zipped back to the bank and managed to get some money out so the kids could have some fun. I did feel ashamed becuase paying 1.50 or 2.00 per ride under the normal days wouldnt have been a problem. Last night I was counting every penny as most of last weeks money was blown gambling.
Im still worried sick over the debt and cant really start to sort it until we get funds in which will be in a few days time. Even then it will be a slow long process and will only succeed if i do NOT gamble. I cant gamble if I do its over.
Its chucking it down outside this morning and Im sat on the pc doing a little work. Gambling thoughts do drift in every now and then , I think more so now since I again made my new effort to stop. That feeling of wanting somthing you know you cant have. I wont gamble today I am certain of that. But its only day 3. Again my test comes mid week as I will be working away from home and money will again be available to a limited level. I feel though this time I can get through the mid week crisis. I just keep saying to myself "i will NOT gamble"
Not sure what I feel this morning. A little depressed about it all. Its lonly having to quit without anyone knowing. Be strong though I say to myself. And do NOT gamble.
Morning blockedout,
Stopping gambling on your own without the people near to you knowing must be very hard for you. As you say, in time, that may change and everything may be out in the open. Hope so, because in my limited experience of all this, any level of deceit can seriously affect recovery, for some reason our gambling mind feeds on that, I don't know why.
I was only honest with my wife because i had to be, we were losing our home. I still feel remorse about that, understandably, but when i was forced to come clean that feeling of total honesty and openness empowered me more than I would ever have thought possible.
Stay close to this site if you can and keep posting, it really does help to chart your own thoughts along the way.
Good luck in your continued recovery,
DT.
Hi DT I have thought about telling all but and its a big but my wife when she first met me yonks ago knew I gambled. I was "in control" then it was a good time. Lots of money and even winning here n there. As we got deeper into our relationship it became apparent that my gambling was somtimes getting in the way. I stopped and told her so. She never knew the extent to which I gambled. The past 3 years she has been so proud of me for just quitting like that. Also my father is a gambler and has relied heavily on me and the rest of my family for financial support so its a very sore subject. My fathers gambling is whole seperate issue so I wont cover that here. But I do know if I told her at this time it would most likly push her over the edge and she would or could walk. Somthing I cant deal with. Maybe it is easier being upfront but also my view is I made this mess no one else so its my mess to sort and fix. It makes me determined to overcome this. And I know I will in the long run beat and manage my addiction so I dont gamble.
Even though I have fallen of the straight and narrow many times I think this time could be the time I stay quit - period. Thanks for your reply and same right back at you with your great and continued recovery 🙂 All the best .D.
End of day 3. Been easy not to gamble today had a very busy day visiting family , a birthday somplace. Kids hyper from too much suger n sweets. Kicked em to bed early as they have school again tomorrow. Keep getting depressed though about the debts. Phone rings daily from around 8.30am even on Sundays. I have made Wedensday next week the day when I will answer all calls and start to put some kind of recovery plan into the financial mess I have managed to get me and my family into.
Read quite a few posts here today. Many I can identify with. Those awfull life changing situations. Gambling addiction is a terrible thing. I really wonder if their is such a person as a "responsible gambler" Somtimes I think we are only scratching on the surface. Casino spam has fallen the last 24 hours probably due to the big cull of self exclusion I did a few days ago.
On now to day 4. Where will that lead me I wonder ? Keep fighting good thoughts to all
.D.
Ok its the start of day 4. Have a busy time today need to be at the aiport around 3pm got a few days working away from home.
My brother bailed me out yesterday as I need money for the travel and such like. God knows what I would have done if he could not have helped. Yet another consequence of my gambling. I seem to be reminded of my mess multiple times per day.
Cant let my thoughts get me down though as I need a steady head the next few days. Its going to be a busy time. Problem is when im away from home - its then It can become easier to gamble. But I am excluded and I do feel in a different frame of mind. Spoke about this a bit yesterday night in the Gamcare chat where I was for a few mins.
Mid week is when I will face down all my creditors and somhow try to start putting things right. I am certain today I will not gamble thats all I can say on that for now. .D.
Morning blocked,
Hope you have a good few days at work. Don't talk yourself into a gamble just because you are away and that's what you used to do. It's amazing what our gambling brain will tell us is ok just to get that fix. Also from what i have read, each time a problem gambler is bailed out, this allows us to do it again, we tend to forget what it has done to us. I understand you had no choice because of your current situation, just wanted you to be aware of what can happen if you are not on your guard in the early days.
This sound like a lecture, it's not meant to be, it would be great when you get back from your trip to feel empowered by not gambling. Hopefully give you more strength for the rocky road ahead.
Take care,
DT.
Morning DT it dont sound like a lecture 😉 I know what its like to be "given" some money and then with that false economy feeling gamble it all away. Sadly my back was pushed against the wall and needed some funds for travel expenses. Its all in cash and I cant get to the bank to deposit - in order to gamble which is good. I only ever gamble online so cant even if I was going to - bank account empty. I will immerse myself in work the next 48 hours, and the big test comes mid week when we have a chunk of money arriving. I want to get to that point as you say of "feeling empowered by not gambling" I need a real test almost of having available funds and then NOT squandering them. Today right now I feel I can cut through this and return home in 1 peice with the bank account not decimated again with stacks of casino transactions. Take care u 2 - DT. .D.
OK im about to leave now for the airport. Spent the morning working some and getting ready for the hike over the north sea. Im on my own tonight so its the first phase of where I really am with my quitting ? I hate flying so always need a drink or 30 before i get on the plane. TBH im loose as hell when I have had a drink. I only drink when in flight and dont usually drink when home alone. Today maybe try another way and fly dry. Its only an hour n half in the air so even I should be able to survive that.
Keep using Deep troubles phrase "gambling is not an option for me" and I have got through the morning without gambling.
Will be logging on to gamcare when I get back to base.
Day 5 : Long hard journey yesterday a few delays on the way with a flight I had to take. Got back to base late but didnt gamble 🙂 I would have in normal circumstance but also tbh no funds anywhere on any card or bank so its not much of a victory. At a push I could have had some funds moved over to where I could have got at them .. but didnt.
Tomorrow is a early start back to the Uk. Its also the day when we have money again. Its a big test but im confident today that I will not gamble tomorrow. Whats the saying "gambling is just not an option for me"
The financial fallout of the last 1 year gambling is starting to bite hard and hit close to home. Its going to take months and possibly years to pull that all round. Makes me depressed when i think about it , more depressed than the depression I feel when i want to gamble. I need to go through this whole week without placing a bet or loading funds to my ewallet. I can and will beat this. Best to all .D.
Hi Blockedout,
Keep going, keep posting, keep battling it's gonna be worth everything to you in the end.
Take care,
DT.
Hi DT yes it helps posting n battling through thanks! Two battles it seems : 1 quitting and staying quit for good and 2: trying to get my finances back into some kind of order. Just have to keep telling myself that I can not gamble my way out this mess.
Day 6 : No gambling so far today but its only 5.30am - up at this ungodly hour as I have an early flight back to the uk. We have some money that hit the bank. Its always these kinds of days that I would gamble most. Today thats not an option for me. I feel like I can get through the next 24 hours without placing a bet. Best regards to all .D.
Morning blockedout,
Great commitment being on here at 4.30 in the morning. Well done on recognising and acknowledging that previously this would have been a gambling day. Imagine the feeling later on tonight when you have not gambled. Proud of yourself, more strength for the battle ahead. Rooting for you.
Take care,
DT.
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