My diary: there and back again

Hi Heather

Welcome and very well done for posting on this supportive forum where you are not on your own

You have already put blocks on your laptop that's a good start

We have a triangle on this forum

TIME MONEY LOCATION

If you take one of these away it's impossible to play

Don't be too hard on yourself and try to take one day at a time

Remember we cannot win because we cannot stop

I wish you all the very best on your journey

Keep posting it does help

Everyday you don't play you win

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Hi Heather - As Suzanne has said, don't beat yourself up too much - you have taken a big and brave step by admitting your problem and you are doing something about it. So head up!

It's also important to know that you are not alone - many of us, me included, developed an addiction to online slots. Things got completely out of hand for me until I realised that I wasting precious time as well as money on those stupid reels. Now I am nearly up to six months of 'sanity' and feel so much more alive now. You can do it too - a day at a time, and those blocks will really help. I am sure you can put a block on your phone too, but if you ask the question as a post heading I am sure you will get some good advice about that. Log into this site regularly and you will find loads of support and advice.

Best wishes,

Joanna

Welcome to the forum - you have made the big step of joining up. Im not long into my recovery but what have picked up and it was a great piece of advice i was given is not to take anything that one person has said as gospel... Have a read through a lot of diaries and pick out the bits and pieces you feel that can help you! Good luck.

I have started my journey today, it is very scary, I am at the lowest point in my life, but after reading the stories on the forum, I do have hope! Good luck x

Day 2

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to offer support. I totally agree with the 'triangle' and I hope I have now padlocked each side of the triangle! I am worried that I am not strong enough to do this. I know that just removing the time money and means is not enough. I have to learn about why I gamble and what I need to do to change my messed up way of thinking. We are about to embark on a debt management plan and the only account i will have access to is a joint account with hubby so he can every penny i spend. He is trying to support me but i can see that a light has gone out in his eyes because of the blatent lies i have told. I find it hard to talk about my feelings, even writing a diary is hard for me. But today I will not gamble.

Day 3. Had a really hard day today. I have just got in from work and this is the time of day that I would normally start gambling. The urge is really strong. I keep telling myself that it has to get better. I read somewhere that it takes about six weeks for any action to become a habit and I am hoping that the same will happen in reverse. I just feel so disgusted with myself. How could I get into so much debt and how did I become so addicted to a machine. I normally hum and hah about spending money. I buy value brands and resent paying over the odds for stuff. And yet when I am gambling I spend hundreds of pounds at a time without a second thought. It is almost as if it is not real money. If I were to confide my addiction to anyone they would be totally dumbfounded as it is totally the opposite to what they would expect from me. The good news is that I have my first Options counselling appointment next week. I feel lost and alone. Today I will not gamble.

Hi heather

Very well done on day 3

Take one day at a time

Keep going moving forward and remember you are not on your own

Stay safe

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Day 4. Last night was really tough. It's strange how my mind seems programmed to want to gamble even when I know how wrong it is. When I think about it consciously I can talk myself out of it. But when my mind wanders I invariably come back to wanting to gamble. I was on the verge of trying to open a new account on my iphone last night. I had almost convinced myself that I should have one last splurge before I quit for good. But how many times have I had those thoughts? Thinking that I will manage to win big and clear some debts. But I know deep down that whatever I may win whether large or small I will just keep gambling until its all gone. Then in the cold light of day those gut wrenching feelings start to hit. The shame, the remorse and that icy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realise what I hsve done. Juggling debts. Missing paying the mortgage. Not making payments on the credit cards. Rushing to get home first so I can hide the mail unopened in a drawer. Ignoring the phone or making out its cold callers when in truth it's credit cards that I hace not paid. I did not gamble yesterday and I cannot gamble today. I have to just do one day at a time for the moment as the idea of the long days ahead is too much to cope with.

Hi Heather

I hope it gets easier for you. One day at a time is good or even one hour. Every little bit of time is a step forward to recovery. Just remember the awful feelings of despair when you have gambled. Even a bad day in recovery is better than a good day gambling.

I had a near miss last week but found the strength from somewhere not to gamble. You were on the verge last night but you didn't succumb. We are stronger than we think.

I wish you well with your recovery.

Elfie x

I have not posted for a few days as I have been away at a family gathering. My mum is really poorly and I live 200 miles away. my poor old dad is doing his best to care for her but he is getting so stressed and is not coping too well. I have two siblings who live near to our parents but neither of them are much use and their selfishness breaks my heart. My hubby is away and the first thing I did when I got home was to try to open a new site to gamble. Luckilly it took me so long to find a site that I had not self excluded myself from that it gave me time to stop my behaviour. But I can take no pride in this because I know that if I could have, I would have. I have K9 on my laptop but not on my phone. I need to look into getting that block onto my phone. Is it normal to feel a sense of bereavement when you stop gambling? Its been my hiding place for so long and now I feel vulnerable ......

Hi heather

I can relate to your feelings and I felt after a couple of weeks I was going through something like a bereavement

It's part of the process that we go through because we have lost something that was in our lives 24/7

It's left a big void in our lives

Your feelings will go up and down push through the bad days and enjoy the good days it does get easier

Keep going

Take care

Suzanne x

I haven't posted for a few days. I have messed up again and have gambled another 500 until basically I can't get my hands on any more money. Totally at my rock bottom and disgusted with myself. I have my first counselling session tomorrow so I hope l can find some help to make sense of the mess I am in.. I have no other words right now......

I haven't posted for a few days. I have messed up again and have gambled another 500 until basically I can't get my hands on any more money. Totally at my rock bottom and disgusted with myself. I have my first counselling session tomorrow so I hope l can find some help to make sense of the mess I am in.. I have no other words right now......

Heather

Well done for being honest

I hope the counselling session goes well tomorrow.

Be honest and take all the help out there.

My advice ditch the phone for a good old fashioned one,mine can call and text!!

It is brilliant and it cost 4!!!

One day at a time keep on keeping on

Duncs stepping forward never back