[Closed] My Last Bad Day

ROFL! Cheers for calming me down pal! I got shivers. 

Hi drama, just wanted to drop by and say I hope your doing well. I replied to forum admins email accepting your request to swap email addresses. So will probably speak soon. Hope all's ok

Take care

Stace xx

Today. Um, trying to recall. 

So I woke up very hungover. Had far too much beer for a school night and I hit the Gin. It was nice though, like not feeling anxious for the first time since I stopped seeing my counselor. I know booze isn't the answer but it was a release last night to just get wellied and feel comfortable for a change. Being in my head is exhausting sometimes. 

I got an email from forum admin that they had exchanged emails with the person I reached out to. It feels really special to be trusted by someone. I don't know what to say though. That is the weird thing. I've said hello like but I am kinda shy, tongue tied even. It's weird. I hope they bear with me cos I reckon we could be good mates. *Looking at you Stace* x

I did a good days work. I had an online share session with a lass up north where I showed her how to run some reports. She enjoyed it and was amazed by the amount of data she could get. This made me happy. I don't like kingdom builders. That's what Hubby calls people who keep all their knowledge to themselves. I don't do that at all. Everything is easy if you know how and I like sharing so everyone can feel empowered to do a good job. 

I looked at a case today with a vulnerable old guy. His case had been dismissed but this guy was a customer for +10 years and it didn't sit right with me. I don't wanna go into specifics cos it's work but I emailed my boss with the case number and said we should help this guy. I know he hasn't done everything right but like, he's nearly 90 and xyz, let's look after him. My boss thought this was fab. He's gonna escalate it to his boss and see if we can do summat for him. I really hope we can. Sometimes life isn't about following the rules, it's about looking at the bigger picture. 

I went on chat twice today. I love connecting with my recovery buddies. I feel part of something big. Like we are all gonna get through this. One day at a time. I hate GA but that advice is valid. Don't let the bad days get you down. 

A guy at my cleaning firm got sacked this week cos he's rubbish. I went to do his job 4-6 at a village called M. It was my job a while back but since I got a new day job I can't commit the time to it. So anyway, I did it today and it was gross. Really really dirty. I did an extra 45 minutes to make sure it was clean. I felt proud of that. The manager at the place was really grateful and stayed an extra half hour to give me time what I needed to do when I pointed out all the problems. You have to understand that the type of place I clean, it can have a real consequence for ill people if it's dirty. It's completely unacceptable for it to be in such a state. 

Anyway, so the fact that I spent nearly 3 hours there meant I was knacked for doing my normal two jobs. I'll do them tommoz. 

I am feeling better. I wonder if it's not cos I'm seeing my counselor on Wednesday and I want to tell her some good stuff. I have to accept this isn't gonna be a long term thing. I need to let her go but without her has been really c**P. I am a bit scared. Still, I don't need to worry about that now. 

Um, that will do for an update. 

Love you guys. 

Drama 

XOXOXO

Big kisses tonight cos I am happy. 

Today I have had a very low mood. 

I picked an argument on the FB. I chose the opposing argument to someones post on purpose just for badness. I hate this anger that I have developed lately. I've lost so many friends with it. 

I didn't get out of bed today till 3pm. I was awake at midday. I just didn't wanna get out of bed. 

I went on chat tonight. It wasn't good. I felt like someone was unfairly feeling judged cos of gambling. We have all gambled. That's why we are here. We should all support each other in recovery. I firmly believe that. Like if someone else's consequences of gambling don't sit right with you, then please don't judge. It's gotta be 100 times worse for them to face it. 

Someone else was posting about how they got round their blockers and I swear down it was massively triggering. Like, it reminded me of googling how to get round my blockers over a month ago. We shouldn't share our badness with each other. You can say what you did without the devil in the detail. It also hurt me to think that new people to the site were getting this as their first experience of recovery. It would've put me off when I first joined. I felt welcomed and actually loved and respected when I joined and I want that for everybody. I mean that. All of you! 

I went to another site tonight and shared some things from my childhood. It was rough but these folks were kind and listened with respect and gave me some good ideas for things to do. 

I don't feel very well tonight mentally. I am glad I am home and safe. 

Drama. 

Hi Drama,

I hate saying i've been so many days clean, but at the end of the day it's just a number. After over 40 years of gambling i'm still 1 bet away from falling back into a pit of despair. Like you i hate reading posts about how some have found a way to get around blocks & exclusion. All i can do at that point is quickly jump to the next post. The way i look at it ignorance is bliss. Only joined the chat tonight at 8.50 pm so can't comment on what was said earlier. All i know is every day we have to find strength we didn't know we had to fight every negative thought & every urge and mutual support is essential.

Kind Regards

AL

Better day today dramallama and all on here.. Hope to drop into chat later.. Work keeps me occupied today ?

Today, I slept till 10 a.m. It was unpleasant waking up because the bed was cold even though I was in it and tucked in. I need more blankets, this house is sooo cold. I'm gonna wear some jim jams tonight. 

I went on chat at lunchtime for a spell. Then I went to see a man about a dog for Hubby. As usual, I have to drive all over town for this. Absolute pain. Then I went to the supermarket for some Sunday dinner and then I went to Lidl to get some beers. Then I went home and dropped off the shopping. 

Then I went to cleaning jobs no. 1 and 2. The dog was sick in the car after the second one. I did not notice. I took her to the park cos I don't like her cooped up too long. Her behaviour was odd. She wouldn't follow me to the bin after I pooper-scooped her do do. She put her head down and flat refused to move. I ran to the bin and back and then on the way back to the car she started puking and I realised that's why her behaviour was odd. I reassured her that all was okay as she seemed upset. I got her back in the car and took her home. No way I'm leaving her in the car when she's unhappy and unwell. I got her out and that's when I realised she'd puked in the car. 

I had a brew and put a chicken in the oven to roast then went and did job. no. 3. Oh, I didn't explain, when I went to get the keys for this job I'm covering this week from the guy who usually does it, he told me that he hadn't done it on Friday. Thing is, I don't have the time to run around tommoz getting the keys from him so I just said I'd do it today. Anyways, so that's how I ended up with 3 jobs. I did job no. 3 and came home. I finished off the roast dinner, went on chat and celebrated Kim's success, albeit a bit quietly but I am zonked. 

Me and Hubby and the Dog had the dinner. The dog ate some chicken and some pigs in blankets and some roasted carrots so I'm happy with that. 

I took Hubby to the pub for a pint as he wanted to go get some tobacco from them. 

Now I am sat down and it's bedtime in 40 minutes. 

Oh and first thing this morning someone was ranting on FB about my opposition to their point of view so I muted the conversation. Honest to goodness, some people are like a dog with a bone. They just won't let it go. 

I am ignoring them. It's for the best really. 

Wishing everybody well. 

Drama x

Hi Drama,

Your posts are like an episode of Coronation St lol. I love the NO B--lS--T  working class posts of yours. You just tell it like it is and each word you speak assures me whenever i'm in doubt i can find the strength to get through each day & resist going back to being bad. This forum would be sooooo much poorer without you.

Sleep Well Mate

AL

deserted and alone
by choice, by action, by deed
i found myself addicted
i felt safe in my need

alone and afraid
of memories, of people, of place
i found myself this comfort
where i could hide my disgrace

afraid and angry
at me, at you, at them
why can't i find the peace i crave
i'm hurting all over again

That was my poem that I told LouLou I would share in chat earlier. 

Al, o*g you did make me chuckle with your Coronation St. reference. I really take your post as a huge compliment. Thank you. 

N'nite Godbless. 

Drama. x

Hi

Interesting wording my last bad day.

I use to think that I must be a bad person causing such pain and suffering.

I tend to think that my last days of my unhealthy habits was a point I set a boundary to stop self abusing myself and others.

My last days was an awakening that my unhealthy habits indicated that I was a very unhealthy vulnerable person who use to escape people life and situation when I was unable to cope emotionally.

Recovery means healing, yet I could not heal my pains if I was not willing to myself that I was living in pains.

I am a non religious person yet the wording awakening was awareness that my addictions were very much fear based.

I use to think that the adrenaline rush was feelings of happiness.

In my life the pains I suffered caused pains in that caused fears I did not understand.

Sadly high levels of pains cause such fears that I would go in to panic mode where I could not think clearly.

The recovery program is very much like skilled mountain climbers helping less skilled people to find the safest ways through life situations.

SO is a bad day a day where I am causing myself unhealthy unncessary pains.

The recovery program is about learning healthy skills in my life today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Wow Drama that poem you posted is awesome. Thank you so much for sharing that, it really hit home to me.

Wishing you happy days over the coming week.

Stephen x 

Dave, I chose "My Last Bad Day" as a Title for my diary on purpose because at the time I posted it, I really meant it. I felt like any bad day without gambling would actually be a very good day! It has proven to be true. I wish I was gamble free from when I started this diary but I'm not. My last bad day is now 43 days ago. I am grateful for the support that I've had from this place even if I don't always show it. Thanks for your post. x

Stephen! Hello buddy, I hope you are well, I know you LOVE poems so the fact that you like mine is super special. XXX

Monday! 

So last night I stayed up late watching American football till like 1a.m. 

I got up at 6.30 and got to work by 8. I had a team catch up conference call early and was a bit sluggish and not in the mood for it. The call ended early and the lassie that arranged it has moved the next one to Tuesday afternoon because no-one was feeling it really. I felt bad for her though cos she clearly was hoping for more input. 

I had training at 10.30 and the bloke that organised it turned up 15 minutes late and totally not ready to start. This is a pet peeve of mine. I think being late is just rude and being dis-organised is not professional. We all have bad days but he was like a cross between a snail and a sloth. We did the two minutes silence at 11 cos we are good people and it's the done thing. He got through some of this systems training and when he got to one that I knew inside out and back to front, I excused myself and said I was going for a coffee. I went and collected my mate P and we had a coffee in a comfy area. The fire alarm went off at 12 on the hour. I got up to evacuate and he's like what you doing pal, it's remembrance day?! I said durr, that was an hour ago, this is a real fire! Get out! Haha, he sloped off to his office to get his coat. I exited via the nearest point. Look well if it was a real emergency and he died for his Adidas jacket. *eyeroll*

Anyway, rumour has it among my team that I set the alarm off to get out of training because I did not hide the fact it was dull. (It was not but it were funny to be accused). 

The training finished at 2 and I stood up and said "we all done then" and excused myself. Everyone laughed and said I'm funny. I don't understand why cos I just don't like wasting time. I always leave as soon as the job is done and get on with the next thing. However, I don't mind people giggling. 

I left work at 3.30 cos I'd had no lunch and got in very early. I'd had enough. Again, this makes my pals laugh but I am used to flexing my hours and not asking permission for what to do. I always hit my targets. Never had a boss ever doubt my hours that I put in or the job I do. I'm not going back to a 9-5 shift, no way. 

I wanted to watch mine and Hubby's fave quiz show at 5pm. It's part of our routine now and an important happy hour that we spend together before evening work. Thing is, it's been cancelled. Absolutely gutted! :'( 

I went to cleaning job 1 for 6 and had a nice chat with the lady there. She offloaded about her day. Bless, seriously chick, your day and mine don't even compare. However, I just listened politely whilst she told me her woes. 

I got all 3 jobs done by 10pm which was good going. I managed to join a couple chats tonight. It was nice. 

I took my dog to the park and we had a good visit. She ate half a chicken tonight. She seems much brighter for it. I really wanna spend some time with her because I think she does better when I'm around. 

Deffo going to bed for bed time and not waiting for the anxiety to hit. I'm too knackered. 

G'nite Godbless All. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

I WFH today. I slept till 9.30. I was pleased cos I slept all the way through and felt well rested. Hubby says I was restless and he did not get a good nights sleep. I don't care, he can sleep all day if he wants to. 

I had a meeting this morning. Like a calibration test thing where we all review the same stuff and essentially play spot the difference. This lassie running it asked why I'd put Yes on one where everyone else put no and I'm like I didn't read that document. I just put yes cos I felt I'd spent enough time on the exercise and found enough stuff to talk about. She's laughed and said she loves my honesty. Well, there's no point lying about it is there? You always get found out. 

Not saying I never lie cos obviously when in gambling mode, I did it all the time (usually by omission though) but generally speaking, I don't see the point of it. 

For lunch I had a full English and ate everything but the egg yolk. I was actually starving so that's a good sign. 

My boss has asked me to go into a meeting with him on Thursday morning. I told him I'll get suited and booted. He's like, there's really no need. I said oh yes there is! I said this is about representing our department and whenever a meeting involves representing our department across the business or externally, I always dress up. He said he'd make an effort too. That's nice. I'm old school on this me. I dress like a chav most of the time but not when it matters. I can't wait to go and do that. I shall have to get to bed as early as poss tommoz so I don't look rough and have time to make my hair fancy. 

I did my 3 cleaning jobs tonight and got home just now. I took a break between job no. 2 and 3 to come home and eat a cinnamon bagel and pick up the dog and me and the dog went to the park after work. She was following her nose sniffing and nearly went in the road. I reckon she maybe has doggy dementia or summat. I'm gonna take the extendable lead next time cos her little doggy brain is going. She also had a full english today, minus the mushrooms and tomatoes cos I don't think they are good for dogs. She's also had another wormer. She seems very tired. 

Um, that will do. 

Drama. 

Hi

Being in the recovery helped me understand that I had healthy days and unhealthy days.

When I was in my escaping actions there were very unhealthy days.

My recovery is not about good or bad but more about becoming whole and healthy.

The ideal situation is to be emotionally detached from my addictions and my obsessions.

To have healthy balance in my life today.

In being in the meetings I would hear about healthier choices and healthier decisions.

In the recovery program I would be able to articulate my feelings and my emotions in a healthy non threatening way.

I do not need  to swear today because I am able to articulate in healthy ways today.

The recovery program I would help see myself as a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere healthy.

I was not only wasting money but I was wasting my relationship with myself and with other people.

Being in the recovery program I would learn to value myself, I would learn my emotional triggers, I would learn to live my life with out fear today.

With each lie comes fears.

Regards Dave L