My life with addiction

You led me a b*m steer talking about your kids! I did wonder where the studies came from being that gambling is such a sneaky addiction but wow! I get that the s*x stuff is about power not the act so that makes sense but with alcohol you actually watch people die. I don't drink coz the man that dragged me up was a drunkard & I have never smoked a cigarette in my life (wouldn't even go into mum's bag for money when she said I could because there were cigarettes in there & went without ice cream) because they both stunk & then I watched my grandad die of lung cancer! Gambling though, wasn't that just great...A fiver in a glass with a handle, 'free' holiday to Pontins, what wasn't to love? Pretty much what Pops said so I wait with bated breath for when you can be bothered to pull your finger out 😉

Hi Dan, Come on pull yer finger out ! The impatience of some people , honestly ?.

Anyway , just wanted to say cheers for the earlier support , much appreciated .

Catch up with you later regarding the genetic can of worms !

Best wishes Alan

Dan.

Fella another thought evoking post, one which rang true in many ways for me.

My father is as far as I know still an active compulsive gambler,his addiction was accepted throughout my life with him in it, I don't use his addiction as a root cause for my own because like Paul I believe that I am the owner of my own imbalance, gambling is one of the things in life I took beyond extreme, in search of escape.

I am proud to say that my children are in recovery from the damage my own addiction brought and from that I wholly believe that their own knowledge is something of great power.

Thanks for sharing my friend, I am pleased you choose to keep contributing.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hello, Dan,

Hope you're ok. I have every sympathy with a provoked reaction to provocation, I know I'm not alone in that. For what it's worth, I was once advised by someone older, wiser and more wily than me, never to commit anything to writing that I wouldn't wish to be read out in Court. For me, definitely one to avoid. And if all advice is followed, hopefully this brand of provocation won't be repeated. There'll just be another dispute or heated debate instead.

So back to genetics. I probably should put my problems on my own thread. But I am worried, my eldest has grown up and left home with the example of me tolerating addict behaviour. And there was plenty of it, have just read some updated GamAnon literature setting out certain addict behaviours and Himself pretty much displayed every one. I just thought he was being moody.

The eldest doesn't spend any more time at home than necessary and admits why. My next one wants to leave home as soon as possible. The next one puts his earphones in and hides in his room - although he's not had to do that for a few weeks. And the youngest still chews her fingers.

I'm not convinced all is rosy. The Therapist also said that recovery is a good example for the children but my husband has a long way to go. So do I.

If you're still talking to me, any comments?

BW,

CW

Hello CW..

You may or may not like my take on your post there as I tentavely ponder your post with my still very compulsive mind.

I've read I think from both Dan's and Dunc's diarys that in hindsight that they were greatfull to addictions as this sought them recovery and delved into the mind , which wouldn't of been explored without it.

I read in the previous post from Dunc's on this diary, in how he involved and reconnected with his children and bought his recovery into there own lives.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think your hubby could be the key to your question. I do think, that some people get it slower than some, as patience is one of the many virtues lost in addiction and im chuffed to read that your hubby's penny in slowly dropping.

You've come along way CW and tackled your own recovery admirably.

I wish you well.

Now, I eagerly await Dan's take

Hi All, interesting post on genetics. were all unique individuals. My son never grew up in a house where any type of addiction existed. As I have read on many parents threads he grew up in a 'normal', loving, stable home, as both me and my husband did, where any problems were acted on promptly. I'm not going to get into a debate about genetics as I don't know enough about it. I think each cg knows themselves how and why they became cg, it may or may not necessarily mean there was anything in their past, upbringing or genetics that caused this. In the case of my son he started off with the odd bet which progressed over time. Then he was trapped in a vicious circle of working, gambling, borrowing. If his 'secret life' hadn't been discovered I dread to think what would have happened as he wasn't a happy lad. Yes as his parents we stepped in, we have helped him, took control of his finances, organised everything. Wether people think that is wrong I doesn't really matter to me. It's what works for him and us that matters. I hope he can see he doesn't have to ever hide his head in the sand again and problems can be overcome. Take care everyone - wcid

Hi CW,

​Why wouldn't we be talking? Do you want me to tell you what you wish to hear or what I think?

​

Glad you're back. What you think, please.

Hi CW,

I can only give you my experience of what addiction did to the dynamics of my family & how i believe it has impacted on my kids. Yours of course may be totally different.

As a child it must be incredibly confusing living with an addict. Children require stability & messages that are consistant. To live with the massive spikes that are an addicts emotions must be bewildering. Where genetics do come into it is we pass onto our children character traits & one of the most dangerous of those is that addicts as a rule are generally oversensitive individuals. We have a belief that the world revolves around us & that we control everything that happens in it. when things dont pan out as expected we struggle to adjust, we take it very personnally. Everything is my fault that goes wrong. Everything that goes well is my doing.

I see this thinking in my son. As a child he would have(i believe) taken my hugely contrasting mood swings as a reflection on something he did. So when i was happy, he believed it was something he did. When i was depressed,withdrawn & absent, again something he did. He displays all my unhealthy characteristics in dealing with emotional unrest. He catastrophizes, he looks for validation from others rather than from within. He practices what he has been taught. He internalizes his thoughts & feelings & he has never been to good at that!

It is slowly changing. I havnt had a bet for almost 9 years now. I have only been in recovery for about the last 3/4 of those, the previous time was purely abstinence. He continues, as do my wife & to a lesser degree my younger daughter recover alongside me. We are getting there, slowly. Paul remarked on patience, not an addicts strongest virtue, or possibly yours either CW. The question i suppose is how much time you are willing to invest in your husband & do you think the end result will be a journey worth taking. Your children can learn a great deal from the fall & rise of someone with addiction.

Some of the most remarkable stories of the human spirit i have heard have come from the mouths of addicts.The tales we tell our children are important. We can tell them from different perspectives. The same story can be told & viewed as happy, sad, uplifting or a tale of woe. Your childrens perspective & emotional reactions are very much defined by how we as adults tell our story.

I pulled out of a meeting on thursday at the last minute. It was a meeting with a council, the betting industry & healthcare professionals. The subject? The placing of shops in vulnerable areas & the targeting of certain populations. Still trying to work out if i did the right thing, but probably have. Would the view of an addict have helped? probably. Would it have changed any outcome? who knows. Having read many pages of what was to be discussed i ultimately decided i didnt really have an opinion on what they were talking about. Of course my ego wanted to go ,to shout my opinion to all who would listen but that would have been about again my opinion & not my experience. I dont believe saving addicts is the responsibility of the industry. The resbonsibility lies with us as individuals & also us as a collective. The 12 steps is very clear on this. There could be 100 betting shops or none in my town. It makes no difference to recovery. My recovery comes from within. Not from someone doing it for me or others impossing sanctions upon me.

You cannot fix an internal problem (addiction) with external solutions (barriers). Addiction will only be arrested & learnt to be co-existed with when a change of purpose, priorities & perspective is found by the addict. Until that state of mind is reached, the addict im afraid is a ticking timebomb just waiting for an opportunity to explode. The evidence of this is littered all over these pages as well as the rooms of GA.. The insistance that barriers are the best way to recover fills me with dread. This lie has somehow over the years started to become reported to be a fact. Barriers are simply a way to give your family some peace of mind & you hopefully some breathing space. Somehow the are now seen as recovery. Lazy thinking by addicts looking for the easiest route to freedom.

Spoiler alert. Recovery isnt easy.Without it though, what i have seen is that relapse is almost inevitable. Be that 1day, 1year, 10 years. Just because you havnt had a bet, does not mean you are in recovery. Abstinence is a great acheivement & for a few it will be enough.

Something i heard from a fellow hammered this home to me last sunday. He told how he hadnt a bet for 32 years. He was now 72 years old. He told how he practised abstinence for 30 of those years. That although life was ok, he still felt the way he always had, he continued to think about gambling & struggled daily with it. He still felt the same way about himself & his life that he always had. Then 2 years ago he finally commited to recovery. His life has progressed more in those 2 years than in the previous 30. His biggest regret in life? That he was too fearful to commit to recovery. That he spent 30 years in the comfort of where & who he was rather than be brave enough to attempt to become everything he was capable of becoming

Thanks Dan...amazingly insightful and spot on for me

Hi Dan

From a personal recovery persepctive, attacking the gambling industry may often be a negative. Particularly if it means diverting attention away from self-reflection and tackling our own fears. You see the biggest rants on these diaries from people who are just contemplating quitting and haven't yet taken responsibility for their addiction.

That said, the situation with the high street shops is a societal problem which needs to be tackled (albeit not by people who have stopped gambling for a couple of days). Ideally, every individual would stop gambling of their own back and the shops would die a death. But this ain't gonna happen and so there must be government intervention to stop the proliferation of these awful places, which are truly cancerous. The Govt presumably likes the short term hit of taxes but (as ever) fails to quantify in terms of the wider damage caused to families and societies. In fact even the economic argument is superficial as gambling addiction pushes people onto benefits, increased use of health services etc. There are reports once more that personal debt levels are reaching pre-crash levels again. I wonder how much of personal debt is attributable to gambling?

The Government's approach to gambling is entirely consistent with it's free-market ideology - government should not get in the way of profits, the unrestrained market is best able to regulate society.

Sorry, this is turning into general politics rambling. My point being that attacking the gambling industry CAN be consistent with recovery (not that I'm doing any attacking)

Hope you have a nice Sunday.

Louis

I think you did the right thing...It's not rocket science to anyone that putting shops into deprived areas promising fortunes & fun will lure people in but these days, it matters not where the new ones go coz invariably, there's one just around the corner from anywhere. As someone who tried self exclusion from the shops before finding this place, I can vouch for it not working in islotation! I think a National self exclusion system would have been a more effective barrier but then I wonder, would I actually be recovering? You may well ask am I even doing that now & I too still question that as I bimble along in ignorant bliss but I'm working on it if nothing else 🙂

Hi Dan,

I'm glad to see you are still posting. I'm a teacher I guess. I say, I guess because I started out as a nurse and sort of backed into teaching. Anyway, there are days when I want to chuck it all in. There are classes that make me want to bang my head into the walls. The nature of this kind of wok doesn't always allow us to stand back with our hands on on hips to say, " now, there's a good day's work." On the contrary. My point? Hmmm, oh yes, whether that other person knows it or not something you might have shared just could have been that one grain of golden wisdom that tipped their scale in the right direction. That's what makes It worthwhile for me. A short ramble to again say thanks for sharing Dan. Keep sharing Dan. It is worth it. -Joan

Dan,

Here,here!!

A quick add from my weekends rest from my mind.

I came to this forum over 5 years ago and the broken triangle was never mentioned. Yes, abstinence and exclusion from the bookies/ internet blocks but never the broken triangle.

Its like as you mentioned in a previous post '' relapse as part of recovery '', it now appears that the ( false ) message being delivered is now the broken triangle is the key to our fullfillment. To me, its like another tool to keep us in a state of slumber and not look at the real reasons for your addictive head funk. A conspiracy if you like, if your that way inclined....

Tired mind, but just my take... Will digest your posts later