My life with addiction

ALAN 135 wrote:

Hi Dan , Excuse my ignorance for a moment but I've never done anything GA related , so are you saying that because I accept that Gambling has me beat and that I surrender to the fact that I can't fight it , which I'm quite happy to admit by the way , thats why I'm finding recovery easier than others who are less accepting of those facts ?

i know your question is for dan, as is my few ramblings above. The GA stuff is a staged process and satge 1 is admission that you are powerless over gambling... moving on to admitting that there is a higher power who you turn to .... i dont want to go too far as its not my specialism, in fact i cant get past step1 ...

you havent done GA formally Alan but youve begun recovery imo... GA advocates might well say if your not following their steps process you havent truly begun recovery your merely abstaining ... i simply dont know and have more questions than answers ...

A question that also goes round and round in this mind.

I;m interested in Dans take, but is it possibly there is no right or wrong answer? ie just another tool we need to be vigilant on and visit as and when we feel necessary?

I'll put my 2p with in, there is no right or wrong answer if what you are doing is working everyone's recovery is tailor made for them. The only time they is a wrong answer is when it's not working and we don't learn from it and make changes to what we are doing.

KTF

Corr ! I'm getting a right bleeding headache now !

Abstinence

The process of refraining or depriving oneself from an appetite or desirse that is wanted or enjoyable.

Recovery

A process of change through which individuals improve their health & wellness, live a self directed life & strive to reach their full potential.

Throughout my years of abstaining, it always felt as described above. That i was depriving myself of something. it continued to be a struggle. I was very successful at abstaining, but it never felt enough. I continued to feel the way i had always felt. i didnt gamble , but my behaviour didnt change that much. I just sought out other things to escape into. Alcohol, drugs, work, s*x, chasing women, anything that stopped me being alone with myself & my thoughts.

Step 1 asks me to admit i am powerless over gambling & that my life had become unmanagable. Me admit im powerless!!! You have to be joking, my ego could never stand for that. But the evidence was as plain as the nose on my face that it was in fact true. A thorough working of step 1 proves this beyond debate. Writing down detailed examples of the facts , using the 20 questions as a central focus point shows beyond doubt that i am indeed powerless to control my life or actions while actively using.

Generally when people are asked if they accept they are powerless over gambling & that their lives had become unmanagable in a meeting. You will get nodding heads & tales of yes i accept that. You can then ask them 10 minutes later if I gave you an endless pot of money would you still gamble. Most will say yes. They say yes because they havnt accepted anything even though they believe they have.

This for me is the difference in mindset between recovery & abstinence. Do you want to stop losing, or do you want to stop gambling. Its understanding that what you stand to lose goes far beyond any financial concerns. Your very being & sanity are at stake here.

If you could gamble without losing would you do it in moderation? Or would you do it 24/7, neglecting all those around you. Would you lead a healthy balanced life or would your life be the monoculture it has always been? Gambling has you beat. There is nothing left there of any value to your future life. Recovery is to enjoyed & embraced. If you find it to be an endurance & every day feels like a prison sentance, then i humbly suggest your doing it wrong.

Ah hah, that must mean that if I'm trudging through everyday with my bottom lip on the floor & I don't want to gamble there must be hope for me 🙂

Ha ha, i think it surely does. If life seems awful at the mo & you still dont want to gamble then that is real progress. Not being able to gamble & not wanting too are very different states of being . How you feel today is temporary, it will pass, maybe not tomorrow or next week but it will pass.

Hi Dan,

Thanks for the post I feel I'm going through the steps without even knowing it.

One of my fellow GA comrades is working through the steps programme he expects to be done in a month or so. He has been GF for 11 years(an amazing achievement) but he has never done them before. He offered to taking anyone who wants to through them and I'm not sure if I'm ready. I feel in doing ok atm and ok only 120 days in and don't want to confuse it I suppose.

I want to ask the question. How will I know when I'm ready? But I think I know the answer. I just will !

KTF

Hi Dan,

Just wanted to apologise for my behaviour this year.
You have absolute right to follow the path what's working for you and spread the word around so it helps others.
I was wrong and i sincerely apologise.

I wish you well and hope you keep talking...it helps ☺

Sandra

Thanks for sharing that Dan,

Suzanne xxx

I am the mom of a recovering compulsive gambler. It has been a very long road thus far but am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.From my side I think my son definitely started with abstinence and did a year without gambling. We were thrilled as we felt we had this all fixed up and we could all move on like this was a bad dream.

When a sign of trouble came (unrelated to gambling) he ran to the casino as I think he was just holding on for dear life and that opened up a few awful years of binge gambling then abstinence for a few months, back to the casino and around and around we went.

He began GA almost 2 years ago and has started what from my perspective looks more like recovery than abstinence. This ,however, has not been smooth sailing and there have been plenty of relapses along the way but I see an honest attempt at dealing with his demons that send him running to the casino when he can't cope with life.

I have a question for those of you in recovery. Assuming barriers have been put in place to stop the physical gambling what are things that family can do to best support a recovering CG?

Good question amom, I would personally say for myself, never think we are cured, and think thank goodness that episode has finished, because this addiction is not a blip in life, but when I the CG understand this, and I know my nearest and dearest do, that is the best support that I will want, to keep going forwards.understanding what this addiction does is a vital tool, on both sides sides of the fence, because when there is total honesty with both sides of the fence, ie fears, doubts, being able to talk about this, this is support, closing the book on this addiction, will revive it, and may well escalate it, Honesty on both sides is the best policy,

Am sure Dan will add something, and I look forward to reading his experienced views on this:))

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne:)

I know it is the addicts own recovery to work but when he relapses I end up taking it personally and have many great ideas(sarcasm:)) for how he can change things! Do you think input on my end is valuable or is it best left alone? For example he is in GA as ive mentioned. I believe he is really trying but not doing the work I think that would/could help. I think a sponsor would be so helpful to him... as I have no true idea how it feels to go thru this. Do you think such suggestions are helpful or more of a b**t out and mind my own business?

Cathy

Thanks for the simple question Cathy!

I have many people who i sponsor whom i love. Can i fix them? No. All you can give them is consistancy . Addicts like black & white solutions.

To say goodbye to addiction, the addict has to be prepared to say hello to something else. Most of us have an emotional void we need to fill. Without connection or bonds we fill that hole with addiction. Recovery requires emptying that void of all the sh ite you have filled it up with over the years (addiction, self hate, anger, bitterness, frustration, resentments, fear) & replacing it with things that are healthier for the addict (self love, acceptance, connection, desire, motivation & purpose).

No easy feat. What most do is begin the process of clearing out the c**P but seem incapable of filling it up with anything that has significant meaning to them personally. So they begin filling it up again with all the same rubbish that was in there before rather than leave it empty.

The question all addicts need to face honestly & squarly is. What am i getting from this. What is it about addiction that is so important to me that i dont seem capable of letting it go. Its a big question & one most are to afraid to answer honestly on their own. This is where a sponsor is vital within GA.

My own experiance through many thousands of hours in GA rooms is that it only works when we work it & it wont if we dont. This admittedly bumper sticker saying in GA is very true. Those that avail themselves of all it has to offer do great, that is, get themselves a sponser, work the steps(with their sponsor),get involved with the fellowship & of course regularly attend meetings. Those that turn up, put nothing in, continue to try to do it alone struggle. They go round in circles, as you said Cathy, they are hanging on for dear life.

This is why GA works, it has a solution to filling your void & NO its not GOD. Its purpose, connection, belonging. Its about honesty, humility, accepting what you have & what you are is enough. Its about believing in you & believing in others.

Im not sure if that answered your question in the end sorry. I guess give him what you can without compromising your own beliefs. Let him know he can trust you but you wont enable his addiction. Let him know his feelings matter but yours do to.

Lovely answer Dan, find something worthwhile to fill that void, and at the end of the day, in an ideal world, it's under our very own noses, it's us and our fsmilies, that make life worthwhile, but we never saw it and we created our own hole, which then became a void, that we need to fill, as Duncs says we just took that wrong turning, and we were totally unaware of the danger lying ahead.

Soo pleased you have replied to Cathy because I can't give my experience on GA and sponsorship, because I have not been to any meetings, but I am definitely not ruling that I out.

Thanks again Dan for just being you.

Suzanne xxx