My life with addiction

Thanks Dan. Which copy of the lets talk magazine is this? Which article caught your eye?

Abstinence is only the beginning. It is a ticket that will get you into the cinema but it doesnt guarantee entry to the movie.

Remember that addiction is the disease that tells you that you dont have it.

You cant casually concede that you "may have a little problem" if you expect to recover from your addictive behaviour. Addiction is an illness characterized by denial. Us addicts are usually the last to know the full extent of the problem. Denial is an automatic defense that comes to our rescue. It prevents us from being overwhelmed by our loss of control & its often harsh consequences.

Are you still in denial? Have you fearlessly & honestly faced the true extent of your behaviour. How it impacts on you & the others who love you?

thanks for the heads up on the lets talk dan. i look forward to reading it.

Munchausen ....yes, I think so. Or just incredibly ill.

I read with a mix of foreboding and apathy

Morning,

Something does seem to be amiss but it wasn't your most productive comment, Dan. You could be and usually are far more helpful elsewhere on the forum. There are quite a few f&f posts you could offer support on, as you did to me.

Just my opinion, don't want to quarrel.

BW,

CW

Its the frustration isn't it? I'm not talking about any individuals but when users declare their intention to stop gambling but avoid the effort that I perceive required and keep making the same mistakes over and over. Welcome to my own gambling experience for years. Thats what I was doing. I wanted to stop but I also wanted to do it my way. Problem is that doesn't always work and its why gambling addiction can be so hard in the way it affects not only the gambler but those around them. As a user on this forum, I accept I feel that same frustation firstly sometimes on my own recovery but in other people's recovery's too. The question is what do we do then? Observe? Comment? Its difficult to know which is the right answer.

Ha fair comments all. I should have ignored the post. In future i will save reading works of fiction for a rainy day

Thanks Dan. I do want to hear what you think, although I am slightly worried about what it will be. I think I've got some notion of what's coming, so it'll be interesting to see if that matches with what you write. I'll brace myself x

I read your post to gav and knew it related to me too. But how? How do I tear it up when it's there and won't go away? How do I unknow what I know? I can't shake some of those memories...they are embedded. They have shaped the person that I am. My past has a bearing on my present. Intellectually I get that it doesn't have to determine my future but whatever's in there is still there. I've dragged it all out into the light and had a good hard look at it and I've tried so hard to change how I view it, but in some ways (many ways?) it's a part of me. My present is a good one, but my past informs the choices that I make.The TED talk brought me to my knees when you suggested it before. Connection and vulnerability. I get it. I understand it...I'm all for it for everyone else and I can do it when it's not too deep but being totally honest, open, vulnerable, judged by real people that I love about things that are so difficult to explain? It's just so hard. And I know that hard doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. Putting on a good face, not letting people know what was going on, always keep up the appaerance that everything was ok was what I learnt throughout my childhood. I'm still struggling with that. And you're right about shame. I feel deeply ashamed that I'm here. How did that happen? I know how it happened, but today my head feels like it's going to pop and I just can't take it all in. Too many tears. Too many emotions. Thank you x

Sorry, me again. "Guilt is i did something bad. Shame is I am bad"...if I keep repeating the same thing even though I know it's bad (guilt) doesn't that make me a bad person? Once, twice, three times maybe but over and over...with the fore knowledge of the consequences...doesn't that make it shameful? Doesn't that make me bad? (About me...not about anyone else)

Thanks for the recovery share Dan. Makes a difference. Night to you. tri x

Many thanks for the post on my diary spotted on someone else diary the ted vulnerability talk im going to check that out later.

All the best

Gavin

Hi Dan , just wanted to stop by and say that over the last few weeks I'd noticed a change in the way you post to other diarists , all in a good way of course , I don't know if I'm alone in thinking that way or maybe it's me looking a things a bit differently of late ? but It's much appreciated .

Anyway I just wanted to offer a bit of praise for all your work on here and say thank you from me !

Hope you have a good day !

Thank you Dan. What you write makes sense, and in lots of ways I already know what you've told me. Knowing it, understanding it and livng it consistently is the harder part. My internal dialogue for all of my adult life until I went to therapy was "unloveable, not good enough, not worthy, failure, useless etc." I never even questioned it...didn't notice that was how I thought. I couldn't imagine ever feeling and thinking differently, but with all the therapy (psycho dynamic, group and a bit of cbt) it slowly but surely changed. Just recognising my thoughts made a big difference and then I learnt where they came from and how they affected my decision making etc. I looked at it all...the past hurts, rape, my mum's depression and suicide attempts, my Dad leaving, my previous abusive relationship, austim, death ...the whole shebang. And I changed and lived more honestly and openly than ever before but there was just something about the gambling that I found/find so hard to be open with people about. Too much stigma maybe. I don't know...it's my view that people could be more understanding about alcoholism. Anyway, I'm waffling I think. My point is for the most part, I understand it. Addiction that is. And I know it and what needs to be done, but when I'm in the throws of it my thinking reverts. I'm back to thinking I'm a scumbag.Because in my mind, at that time, I'm acting like a scumbag. I don't think that today, because the fog has lifted and the emotion has passed, but I've felt like that all week. I think my point is that I for a long time I've been trying to understand the why? But actually, I really do know that. I'm not sure that keep going over the why is helping me, and your post to Paul about understanding it but now getting on and doing something about it is where I'm at. Other people's diaries can sometimes draw me back into the why because I have such empathy with what they write. But I have to keep reminding myself that I know why and now I need to keep moving forward with why not. Being in my head too much is not good and I need to actually put some action behind it all. I kind of feel that I know what I need to know but now I need to practice it . I think Stephen Covey called it sharpening the saw, but you're "s***t or get off the pot" is kinda the same! As you told me many moons ago if there are voids that need to be filled then find a way to fill them. I'm going to let it all filter through my brain. There has been so much good advice and support given to me that I need to take some time to let it all settle in. I do know that for a long time I felt that I had to be perfect to be loved, but I absolutely know now that isn't the case. I will look again at the Brenee Brown...might even read her book that's been sitting on my bedside for over a year! I'm not sure if I've even responded to what you wrote on my dairy, but thanks for the free therapy session. xx

I attended chat last night something I like to do now & then. I dont participate much when there as. A. My typing skills struggle to keep up &. B. I feel its more important for others there to be heard.
Someone did ask me question last night however that although I didnt answer, because there wasnt time, I have pondered.
The question was. What did I think of the people who were early in their recoveries on this site or something along those lines.

Well, its quite a question & one when answering may find me in moderation again!

I think they are ill. That their thinking is very confused. Their denial of their illness/addiction is huge. They focus on their symptoms rather than their illness & then they are bombarded with misinformation that feeds their own denial & allows them to justify carrying on managing their disease the way they always have.

Addiction is an emotional disease. It is a disease that tells us to do as little as possible about it. My addiction wants me isolated, it wants me to manage it alone. It wants me to buy into its concept that I know best. To do it my way. Despite years of evidence that the last persons thoughts around how to manage my addiction are my own.

This site is a wonderful place for mutual support & for licking your wounds. But you can find justification everywhere to behave how you always have.
There isnt much recovery here but thats ok. It is a place to start. Its a stopping gambling site rather than a staying stopped one.

The corrupted thinking of an addict takes on average 2 years to repair itself according to most experts. My experience throughout my time would mirror that view. There will be exceptions of course, but if you speak to anyone free of gambling for a decent period of 2+ years to recall what they used to think around their thoughts early days, you will get these responses. A shaking of the head & gentle laughing. I was so wrong, I cant believe the guff I used to spout. I believed what I was saying with all my heart at the time but now it seems madness that I did! And that is the disease.
How many folk are still posting regularly on here after that two year period? Half a dozen maybe if that. So its unsurprising that some of the messages around addiction & how to overcome it are a little jaundiced

This is not to denegrate anybodies views or the words they offer. As previously said sympathy & support are what this site does best. Or to say only people with experience should offer advice.

This week on here we have seen the beasting of one particular diarist. The pack mentality of sticking the boot in once someone else went first. Then laughing & joking about it amongst themselves. Bullying? Maybe. But more likely frustration at seeing someone behave as they used too just a short time ago.

To my shame, I have chipped in on occasion myself. A good reminder to myself that my addiction is although dormant still very much alive. My thinking around my feelings still a work in progress.

So what do i think when i see & hear the newbies? I see myself over 9 years ago. Scared, confused, bravely dipping their toe in. I know most of them wont make it unless they g rab the opportunity to change & find the motivation to keep changing once the immediate chaos of their situation subsides. I see denial, arrogance an over inflated sense of self. But i also see humility, courage & willingness.

Who are the people who do well in recovery? Those that leave their ego at the door. Those who are willing to listen & take guidence & most importantly those who are prepared to surrender to the fact that their old way of thinking & living has not & will not end well.