Hi My Name is Darren i'm 43 and I'm a compulsive gambler.
Hi, I am a past GA attendee at Carlisle and Blackpool (No meetings within 80 miles from where i live). On 28th December 2016 my whole world fell apart yet again when my wife found numerous things on my phone that I was gambling again for the 3rd time round and i was kicked out of the family home i shared with my wife and our 2 son's.
I knew that morning when I couldn't find my phone after a night out I was I was in trouble or should I say relieved that I had been found out yet again. She found a bet on my phone to a person I knew that accepted bets and also after further scrutiny of my phone found out that I had an account with ***** power ! When she questioned me i was very defensive at first like all gamblers are, I then confessed to everything regards the gambling as I had done my fill with all the lies and deceit in this period like in the previous occasions and felt a huge weight lifted off me that I had been found out. This is where us gamblers think we are the best (lies and deceit) as I opened an account using my dad's name and bank account details, as I was at the time sorting his finances out for him, yeah good coming from a compulsive gambler I know, i began to deposit small amounts in the first place to place bets. I was soon increasing stakes and depositing money more regular as the gambling gripped me again. Can I just say my dad knew I was doing this but I lied to him as well that it was little amounts n not often !! Yes there were wins along the road like there always is but being a compulsive gambler you always chase and when in front we dont quit do we ! Over a 9 month period doing this using my dad's bank account I lost around £1000 ( my dad was never out of pocket as i drew what money i had lost from my credit card and repaid him without my wife knowing ) I know this doesn't seem a lot to some people and believe me I've done a lot lot more than this in the past and know it could of being a lot worse had I not being caught out again ! The scary thing is though it wasn't until my wife printed out all the transactions from my dad's account to bookmaker that it showed me the compulsiveness had gripped me again !
I was first found out some 14 years ago after gambling since I was 15 years old and had to remortgage a large amount then.Then after the last time some 6/7 years ago when i was found out my wife decided after sometime apart to give things another go, even though this was against her families wishes and caused friction between them. I'm not going to lie things were rocky at times but i had to rebuild the trust with her and all the others that had been affected by my addiction to gambling. I was attending Carlisle and Blackpool GA meetings as n when i could due to my shift work. Things began to improve steadily as there were now things in place and the support network i now had in my wife, GA, friends and even my wife's family were there for me. Everyone said come and talk to us if you have thoughts or feel like gambling again and we will help you. I wll be honest to say that after a good while things were stronger n better than they had been at anytime before !!
Then when i stopped attending GA meetings thinking i can do this on my own and im not going to lie I did for a long while and never thought about gambling or even had a bet, but as everyone knows you can't do this on your own. As in any case all it takes is that 1st bet as little or big as it maybe and then you are back on that slippery road to ruin. Yes you guessed it i was now on this slippery road but rather than get back to GA or approach my wife or any other person that had offered me help i chose to carry on gambling thinking i could stop on my own as I felt so ashamed and embarrased to approach anyone that had offered to help previous to tell them i was gambling again, i just wish i had been big enough to ask for help rather than get found out yet again !!
This time it has cost me my marriage and all the heartache that will come with it. I have lost my best friend and soul mate in my wife (who deserves so much better), I also have so many bridges to mend and things to prove to my 2 son's (who are my world) and if they are not a big enough reason to kick this gambling addiction for once and for all I will grow old a very lonely man.
I am sorry if I've rambled on but I am now 25 days without gambling, but have a lot of things going on in my mind other than gambling at this moment as in losing my wife and marriage, but I did attend my 1st GA meeting back at Carlisle on 16th January and will be there again tomorrow and am awaiting some councilling. My new moto is "it's good to talk" and take it one day at a time
Cheers
Darren
Wanted to start a recovery diary so just copied my story from newbie section and put in here !!! I am now 28 GF and attended my 2nd GA meeting last night and am awaiting a councillor to get in touch through a work assistance programme regards some councilling. As from my diary things are very very strained with my wife and who can blame her for what I've put her and my 2 sons through. I can only hope in time I can win her back and prove I'm not a loser like a lot of people will be thinking !!
No thoughts of gambling at the moment due to worrying about my wife and kids at the moment but I know from previous experiences it can rear its ugly head at anytime and that's when I need to deal with things much better this time round ! My new moto is "it's good to talk and take it one day at a time" Talking or even asking for help was something I found very hard before I was caught out again as I thought I would be classed as a failure ! Sorry to babble on !!
Darren
Never apologise in babbling Darren, it's something I'm fairly good at and it's your diary after all.
Your right it's so right good to talk, the gambling haze has a mute effect on us and atleast in my eyes an addiction gives us some of bravado where we pervieve speaking and sharing our thoughts and vulnerabilities as weak. It's a sly addiction after all!!
You've inadvertently managed to remove an excuse for me when you mentioned your 80 mile trek to GA!! For something beyond me, I put every excuse in not attending and have a track record on 3 random meetings in 7 years. Oh well, im sure something will fall into place.
You seem to be tackling this S****e in a few directions, what with GA, GC and councelling, good on you.
Gambling gets us caught in such a trap, not so much about the money but makes us distance and not really in the moment with friends/ family as i'm sure you know so well. So, keep racking them gf days up and get a bit of distance and slowly start building them bridges back.
I'm sure you will and best wishes
Thanks for your kind words Volcano, totally agree with everything you have said in your post. Gambling does get us caught in a trap n your right it's not always about the money but does distances us from family and friends as I well know.
All the Best
Darren
Last night was not a good night as I couldn't sleep through the worry and pain I've caused my wife and my 2 sons by gambling and what the final outcome of everything will be with them. It's not till you don't have something sometimes that you really appreciate what you did have and my wife is one in a million and our 2 sons deserve so much better, but when in our own little bubble when gambling we don't think about our loved ones at all do we, this is where the selfishness kicks in and we only think of gambling and ourselves and the next bet. I just kept reading people's story's last night and there were some where relationships have ended and some where a lot of hard work was done and relationships rekindled, I just hope mine is the latter one. I know days/nights will be like this and these things can easily send us back gambling and if I feel low like I did last night I just kept thinking how my wife and kids are feeling at this time and it will be a lot worse than I am feeling.
"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"
Cheers
Darren
Morning Woodley,
Well done on trying to get back on track, your not the first and you won't be the last to leave GA with the mindset you can go it alone. I'm sure you started out with the best intentions a couple of small betas but before you know it your pulled back in and it becomes difficult to ask for that help.
It great your making the effort to get back to GA you know it works you proved it before, apply the knowledge you have picked up before and keep attending. GA doesn't fail us we fail GA by not giving it the commitment it requires.
I wish you well with the family they will be hurting but I've seen many a turnaround on here so don't give up. You have to do it for you first and hopefully the family will see you committing.
I'm not sure if you might be able to resolve this with your family but what I would say is if you are fortunate to get another chance don't blow it this time, eventually she will have had enough and follow through and leaving you.
Finally make sure you close all the loopholes like the one with your Dad I'm sure he thought he was doing you a favour in allowing you to use his details to set up an account with it sounds like he is aware of your gambling so maybe explain who serious it is when you gamble.
Enjoy the meeting tonight and keep posting and reading on here it certainly helps me along with GA.
KTF
Cheers KFT for your words they are very much appreciated. The account has got a life time ban on it now and yes I have explained things to my Dad and how serious it had become again. Agree with you when you say GA doesn't fail us we fail GA by not committing 100%. As I've said to my wife if I've got a 1% chance I will fight tooth and nail to win them back but in the next breath I've got to respect her wishes what she considers best for her and the kids. As I keep saying my new moto is "it's good to talk and take it one day at a time".
All the Best
Darren
Being a good couple of days since my last post, no thoughts of gambling but still a lot going on in my life with regards my wife and kids and not knowing what's going to happen, but on the plus side I've got my 1st councilling session booked for next tues through Gamcare and am looking forward to it, also today I am 31 days GF and looking forward to reaching my half century !!
"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"
Hi Darren wanted to check up on how things were going for you as you were a massive inspiration to me when I did my first posting (after 6 years in denial) 7 days GF.... I am praying you get your chance back with your family. I don't know if this will be any help but would it be possible for your wife to attend counselling with you . I understand how hard it is for someone who doesn't this addiction to get there head around things. It could help her perhaps to get a better understanding and there's no harm in asking/trying. Really hope you get the happy ending. Kellie
Hello Darren,
Thanks for your post, which leads me to a random.
I've only rarely worked nights. And when I have, I become a very grey man. Shifts, are a different ball game. Disapline (sp) isn't a strength of addicts, but how hard and what it does to our psyche must be very hard and not understood for shift workers
There's a well intended point there somewhere, but got lost ☺
Keep talking and going odaat, that's the only thing you've got in your control.
Agreed with kellie, the wife would probably need the therapy also
Hi Kellie & Volcano
Thanks very much for your words. Kellie glad I was an inspiration for you to post on here and it's the first steps to help you with your problem and well done on 7 days GF !! There is nothing more I would want at this moment in time is to be given another chance by my wife but I have to be realistic this time and if I'm being honest pardon the pun "the horse has bolted" I think ? I hope I might be wrong but if we were to work stuff out I would hope she maybe would seek some help through gamcare maybe but only if she wanted to ! Volcano as much as shiftwork can be well paid it also creates a big bordem factor for example my days off this last week were mon,tues and wed, these day prior to getting caught out again would of being days I was gambling but not now I am 32 days GF and looking forward to my next GA meeting on Monday at Carlisle which is an 85 mile drive for me but something I need in my life and connect with others that attend this meeting.
I had my youngest lad stay over last night and this was great having him around me and something I very much miss, even if he was on Xbox most of the night lol ! It also hurt when I dropped him back off home before knowing that I won't see him for a couple of days but I speak everyday religiously with both lads and hope to gain bits of there trust back gradually as I've hurt them very hard and there home life.
"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"
Cheers
Darren
Thanks for the kind words earlier even a year on it's nice to see what I went through relating to someone else.
I've seen some remarkable turn arounds on here so keep doing what you are, keep making that effort to get to GA and keep talking bud it's certainly helps.
KTF
Had a bit of a set back today as I thought my councilling was this Tuesday coming but the councillor has emailed me the details and it turns out to be the 7th Feb but never mind I will be at my GA meeting tomorrow night and coming on here and also talking to close friends if I need to, just a little set back but we are going to get them along our road of recovery !!
Made myself busy today by sorting the wife's Birthday presents from the kids which is on Wednesday and will be a hard day for me not being around her but will be even harder for her I know. I cast my mind back 1 year when she was 40 and I surprised her with a trip to New York (somewhere she always wanted to go) as I wanted to repay her for all the S***e I had put her through in previous years. I know she might not appreciate anything from me but I will be sending a card and flowers to show her I'm thinking of her on this special day. On a brightside I am on day 33 GF and looking forward to building on that and I have a few days off after tonight so I will have to keep myself busy and away from gambling.
"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"
Darren
Well today is going to be a hard day for me personally as it's my wife's birthday and should of been a very joyful day celebrating. But due to gambling I won't be spending the day with the woman I love very much. I cast my mind back 12 months and the picture on her face with that surprise trip to New York for her 40th and is something I will never forget. She has got the kids around her which will be helping her through this tough day, I even nipped round with flowers yesterday for her as I felt it was the least she deserved for what I've put her through, she didn't want to accept and told me to take them to my mams grave at the cemetery, I never I just calmly said what I had to say, put the flowers on the floor and walked away from the house, this absolutely broke my heart seeing how she was with me but this is what the devil gambling can cause and do !!
On the gambling front there has been no thoughts of gambling and today is day 36 GF. I know there will be thoughts at some point and that's when I've got to be strong and ready to deal with it, it's a horrible addiction/illness and something I intend to banish from my life. I've got my first gamcare councilling session next Tuesday and am looking forward to that.
"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"
Darren
Hi Darren ...keep doing right by your kids, making sure that they had gifts to give was good. Maybe in time she can trust you again, but in the meantime you both need to heal yourselves...and keep things as stable as possible for your children. Keep talking.
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