Well I should have started this around 5 months ago. But, here goes.
My life has always revolved around gambling. Fruit machines were generally, and initially, my weapon of choice, from an age of 11 onwards. Used to go to the seaside with my grandparents and as part of those trips were visits to amusement arcades. Generally these were fun trips however by the age I started High School I realised they were taking a grip. Through my teens into adulthood fruit machines took an aggressive grip on my life - I was like an alcoholic, shaking if I could not have my next fix.
However, I met my wife. Things looked up and the gambling did take a back seat, for a short time. We got married and now desperately want children. My wedding day was the best day of my life, and I guess not many people can say that. Needless to say, during our marriage and previous courtship my "ugly head" surfaced many times and, frankly, I am ashamed of what I made my wife do; made her go to the bar for change, to the cash machine whilst I funnelled note after note in a machine. This addiction however became under somewhat of a control, if not cured, a few years ago.
Then, we went to a bingo hall. As part of our "welcoming" gift, we were given free bonus money to play their online version of the game. For the first few weeks it was fine, had a deposit limit of £25 per week and stuck to it rigidly. Wasn't playing fruit machines so it was very comfortable. However, during one visit, something changed. I noticed a "mini game" as they call it, roulette. Never had played in a casino before, so thought would give it a bash. Put a couple of quid on number 9, my birthday. What do you know? It came in! Was ecstatic. The gambling demons that have always lived in me were then unleashed.
Within a couple of months I had five or six online bingo accounts with various operators. Some with, shall I say politely, less morals than others. Here is where I am - just after Christmas 2010 I played £400 in half an hour on roulette - last year we went to a theme park with some friends of hours and instead of enjoying the rides, I was frantically trying to get a 3G signal on my phone to see where my prebets were, that I had done the day previously.
Christmas was a watershed. I realised that this was becoming incredibly destucutive and I tried to self exclude from all the online accounts I had set up. I may add at this point that the operators are all big name high street high profile people - I had seven accounts at that point and I was only to self exclude from two. The rest were not interested - only to send me an e-mail saying, and I quote "We understand your concern regarding problem gambling. It is with this in mind, we would urge you to familiarise yourself with these rules - 1) Never gamble what you cannot afford. 2) - Gambling should be fun." That was it. And from the two sites I did manage to self exclude from, one of them it took 90 mins to complete the process.
So I went cold turkey. As of 3rd January 2011, I have not been on any online bingo site, and for that I am proud. The urges are still there, sometimes uncontrollable, however I looked at my bank statements and saw that in around 2 years of online gaming, I had spent in the region of £10k. May not sound a lot to some people, but it was not the cash or the amount. It was the amount of wasted time, wasted effort, trying to beat something that you simply cannot beat.
Where am I now? Still struggling, but 5 months clean of destructive gambling. Do I still gamble? Yes, at land based bingo halls. Is this a good idea? Maybe not, but it is an outlet that makes the demons go to sleep, even for a short while.
Thanks for reading. I wish everyone all the best in their efforts.
N
"It was the amount of wasted time, wasted effort, trying to beat something that you simply cannot beat."
Precisely !!!
Well done on your excellent progress cannotwin. I too have been in the grip of fruit machines for longer than I care to remember.
I have barred myself from online gambling because it got way,way out of control and I had just had enough.
I, like yourself still go to land based bingo halls as I am not in a position to chase there. I'm mindfull of the fact that the interval games will try and drag me in, but if I fall into the that trap - I will have to give this simple pleasure up as well.
Keep up your fight - 5 months is amazing, and also always keep your bank-statements to hand from when your gambling was at it's most destructive - I have a similar strategy and it helps to control the urges enormously.
All the best
Chan
Thank you Chan. I so appreciate your reply.
If I am being totally honest, it was your recovery diary that made me start mine. During weak times I used to come to look at this forum to give me strength - but your account of what has happened with you resonated with me, hugely.
Went to land bingo today, not impressed! Lost £200 due to those pesky electronic boards that allow you to spend whatever you want! However, in comparison to £400 in half hour which is where I was, £200 in four hours gives you a better hit rate and more "bang for your buck" I guess. And more importantly my wife was with me, and she won, which also meant it was quality time, rather than thumb pushing mind-numbness time.
Chan thankyou so much for your reply. I will reply in kind to your diary.
I wish everyone all the best in their efforts to defeat this. I will not wish luck, as you make your own.
N xx
Hey hun, thanks for giving me that boost, it's nice to know that me scribbling my thoughts down helps not just myself but others in a similar position.
Sorry about your loss today. I used to play those side games as well a few years back....I now see that about 300 people play and the prize money tends to be somewhere in the region of £130 - seems a real con the amount of profit they make per game. So there's definately zero chance of me becoming hooked on those again and as for the fruit machines - I just know that I can't even slip a quid in one of those as i'd be off again on a mission to empty my bank balance.
So I just stick to bingo now, that way I can budget for it and stay in control. I know some would say that that is keeping the gambling urges alive.... Maybe?
But now (Thank God) i'd rather buy a set of bingo books that I can afford and have an enjoyable night out than sit and spend £400 + in half an hour clicking away at my mouse, alone, whilst slowly going insane.
Keep strong cannotwin xxx
Hey Chan,
My analytic mind tells me that the interval games pay 48%. Would you ever play a fruit machine offering that pay back? No! Anyway it still is controlled and we could afford to lose the money we did. The £200 was between the pair of us so, in reality, it was £25 per hour each to be entertained. And we had food and drinks too.
I'm glad that me saying your thoughts gave you a boost. They did more than that - they made me realise I wasn't abnormal or on my own. You made me realise I could talk about what was, and has, happened to me. For that I will be eternally grateful to you.
Anyway, as of tomorrow I am leaving on a jet plane as the song goes on holiday, and am back a week Wednesday. While I am away I will keep track of how you are doing and keep wishing you stay clean, stay strong and continue to be an inspiration to me. As you are my inspiration to write this diary and continue to keep clean.
I wish you and everyone all the best in their efforts to beat this.
N xxxxxxxxxx
My analytic mind tells me that the interval games pay 48%. Would you ever play a fruit machine offering that pay back? No!
Well actually yes probably, in fact towards the end of my binge on slots I felt like I was being paid a rate of about 5% ..... and yet I still continued. Seems madness thinking back, but I know that one slip and I would be right back there.
I hope you have a fantastic holiday - i'm soooo envious. Make sure you have a few drinks for me as I haven't had a drink for 7 days (medication) .... and now i'm salivating at the thought of a nice jug of sangria. Don't even know where you've gone but you've set off my drink urges now lol.
Looking forward to hearing about your hols when you get back 🙂
Take care
Chan xxx
Well I think I deserve this! Five months clean of online bingo and the resultant effects.
Just come back into the apartment after a lovely day, playing volleyball, sunbathing, drinking unlimited alcohol due to my lush orange wristband!
Reason for this post? If I had continued with my destructive gambling, this would not have been possible, as I would not have had the plus 1k to afford it.
Am I clean? Am I cured? No! Am I better? Yes.
We can all do this. Make your own luck.
N xxxx
You definately deserve it Cannotwin and it sounds like you're having a great time xxx
Glad you can see the profits of all your hard work - makes it all worth while, eh?
Anyway, make the most of your last day and have a couple more drinks for me.
Have a safe trip back and we'll catch up later
Chan xxx
Thanks Chan but have to say, since I've come home, I almost feel like I'm back at square one. The holiday was an achievement of not gambling destructively for nearly six months; its gone now and yes I have brilliant memories but it's gone. The high I felt is over, and the high was reminiscent of an occasional win against something that cannot be beaten.
Have not been on here the last couple of days because the urge to gamble has been almost uncontrollable. Thankfully I have kept my recovery, am still clean, but only by the skin of my teeth. Downloaded and created an account on my iPhone for an application created by a major operator. Thankfully, saw sense and immediately self excluded which, again, thankfully, was easy. I think if it wasn't for this forum, and the promises I made you and other people on here, I wouldn't have seen sense. I would have proceeded to slide back to square one.
Feel a bit crappy to be honest. But am still clean and can still say I am keeping my promises.
Keep it up guys. Make your own luck.
N xxx
Am I clean? Am I cured? No! Am I better? Yes.
Well said!
Why not create a new target for the next few months? Perhaps the same treat that you have just had, or something very similar. You obviously really enjoyed it and by not gambling you can certainly afford it.
Well done for overcoming those strong urges.
GT
Thankyou GT. This is a major low point for me. Honestly thought the hard part was over. Don't think I've felt as weak as this in my whole recovery, and I'm nearly six months in.
The advice though is excellent. It would be the same advice I would give. I have a new target, Melbourne. It will take us a couple of years to save for it but it's a new goal.
Thank you so much for the advice, in these dark times am sure you know what it means.
Thanks again.
N 🙁
Think this is the end of the road for this try. Am in a state. Can't sleep, can't eat. Smoking like a chimney and, even though have resisted, I have learned new ways I can go and do "it" again. Haven't been on here for a few days because I know how close I am. I don't have netnanny or anything like that because I thought I could beat this.
I've been a CG for the majority of my life. However I have never felt this low. I can't see a way out now; there simply is no answer.
Haven't slipped yet, but I bet the next time I post to this I will have. And, in advance, I am so sorry I let you all down.
N xxxx (can't do it) xx
EDIT: My wife just reminded me of a song that I adopted for my quitting in the first place. Shamefully it's a Justin Beiber song, and it's called Never Say Never. Listened to that just now and I feel a bit stronger. The lyrics are "I will never say never, I will fight til forever, whenever you knock me down, I will not stay on the ground, pick it up".
Sorry for being a pest.
Morning all,
Just read my post from last night. Why does this disease make you feel like a schizophrenic? I woke up after a few hours sleep and feel so much more positive, not sure how or why. It feels like I'm on a gambling high but I haven't slipped! Am glad I lost my latest bet, I have posted again to this without gambling again.
Goes to show, when I wrote that post last night, if it wasn't for this diary I would have been on the Internet gambling somewhere. This diary never has had no monetary value; it does now have sanity value. That probably sounds odd, but what I mean is I started this a number of months after I quit, so couldn't diarise what savings I'd made. But I can diarise what sanity savings it's made.
What a difference a sleep makes. Feel like I can face the day now. Thank you.
N xxxxx (can do it now) xxxx
Good for you on passing that test. You sounded flatter than a witches t*t, but you pulled through it unscathed, yay!
Justin Bieber, haha. Having said that, I smiled to myself when I was pondering my not gambling in the car the other day. I had to chuckle when the Scouting for Girls song came on "this aint a love song, this is goodbye". Thought it was so funny, the lyrics fit my situation so well. Hahaha.
Adios
A massive well done hun. You did it !!!!
I know how hard it is when those urges come - perhaps you might want to think about some kind of blocking filter to help you ?
Not been on for a while myself, started to get a bit annoyed with some of the comments on a particular diary that were completely unsupportive and judgemental. Don't think some people realise the impact of their comments when people that come here are in a vulnerable state anyway.
Anyhow, just wanted to say that i'm glad you beat your latest challenge - keep up the good work 🙂
Chan xx
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