I am sitting on the chair in my office feeling extremely sorry for myself; all sorts of mixed emotions spinning around my head and not knowing how to begin recording this diary. My gambling has gone on for years. I can't help but wonder at what point does the penny actually drop? So many times I have said to myself this is the last time, never again, but always I go back. What will be different this time?
My last bet was around 4am this morning. I had been gambling through the night on The Gaming Club casino website. The best way to start is by copying and pasting the email I set to my best friend this morning. It will serve as a reminder if I ever feel like having another bet. Here is his original email to me after he tried to call last night when I was playing:
"Really worried about you Si and what you are up to at the moment with the
jimming. Hope it isn't too late (i.e. you haven't lost too much) but please
stop. Just think how you felt a couple of months ago..it's just not worth it
putting yourself through all that pain again. These websites just aren't worth it!"
We are so childish (both now aged 40) that we still talk using our own 'gambling language' we first came up with aged 17 or so. On this note, 'jimming' is our word for 'gambling!" This was my reponse:
Hi Nick,
Thought I’d copy and paste your message here to reply to it as you’re more
likely to read this at work first. You are too late and even if not I wouldn’t
have taken any notice as you know what it’s like when in the zone. The damage
is already done. I lost £1,840 last night in a few hours playing mostly level
up video poker. It was completely ridiculous and I was doing loony bets, the
usual story. Ended up on £20 hands after only a few hundred pounds worth of
£10 bets and was doubling £240 wins double or nothing, all of which lost. I
did win a few doubles to £240 but was so far down the only way to try to chase
was to keep doubling up. Surprise surprise I was completely fuelled up with
alcohol and went through 2 and a half bottles of rose wine. This now makes the
£750 loss last month seem like a small loss.
A part of me feels angry towards you; angry because you come and visit me and
we end up gambling; angry because you are not strong yourself, therefore you
cannot be strong for me and angry because gambling has been going on for so
long during our friendship without any of us really taking any initiative to
address it. Deep down though, I know that I cannot blame anyone else except
myself for the choices I make. I now know, 100%, that I am addicted to
gambling. I am addicted in the sense that I am unable to stop or to walk away
whether I am winning or losing. I am in a dream world, just like GA says. I am
going back to GA as soon as I can get to a meeting and I am going to give it a
wholehearted effort this time round. One of the first things that springs to
mind is that they say not to associate with acquaintances who gamble. This is
one reason I have failed with recovery in the past. Look at the temptation
when we are together. We have never been able to say no and it has got
progressively worse for both of us. So on that note, phone calls only and golf
in the summer or warmer months if beforehand. No holidays unless it’s to
destinations that don’t have casinos. No France and obviously no Las Vegas.
You might think what I am saying sounds drastic and it is, but I need to take
drastic measures to ensure I never put myself through all this again. When I
go back to GA I am not going to disagree or argue against anything in that orange
book (the guidelines) at all; I know if I follow it exactly it will work and I
will live the rest of my life happy. Besides, I can make new friends in GA as
I did before. That’s not meaning to say I don’t want our friendship by the
way, but it does have to be different from now on, for both our sakes. You may
not see it now but this will be extremely helpful for you too and without the
distraction of me or of gambling around you too will be able to pay off your
debts perhaps.
I laugh at your words (below) and wish I could believe you meant them
seriously. Perhaps you did but this is a perfect example of when I say that
you are not strong enough to help either yourself or me in a true sense. You’re
not. It’s like the sick helping the sick. These words mean nothing, we both
know that. How many times have we said them to ourselves and to each other
over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? BUT WE STILL
KEEP GOING BACK FOR MORE PUNISHMENT. It’s like smoking Nick, it has to end
now, today, once and for all. No more little bets, no more temptations, no
more QuidCo for £10 here or £30 there, no more bingo and no more lottery. I
am not messing about with it this time round. All I actually have ever wanted in life is a loving partner and my own family, that’s all, simple as that. How am I going to
get that with gambling always in the background? I lost Benedict through it. I
didn’t work hard enough with my relationship with Chrysoula because of it,
always going to Loutraki and dragging her out with me slowly getting her into
it too. Gambling drives me absolutely insane. I can’t eat for days; I can’t
sleep for days; I want to physically beat myself up and really punish myself a
lot; it devalues all the possessions I have in my house when I look at them,
when I look at a work of art for example and think I have just paid 3 times
the price of that. I hate gambling and everything it represents so much. I
hate the fact I am drawn into it on so many occasions. I always wanted to know
why, but its irrelevant really. All that matters is stopping.
Consider the stupid behaviours we do with each too? It’s a complete joke. I am
a 40 year old man. How long am I going to keep behaving like a child when I am
around you? All this stupid behaviour about ‘feeling it.’ Feeling what? It’s a
computer spinning reels that are going to take our money. Do we honestly
believe that it is luck when we win? That we somehow felt it? PATHETIC!
So, have telephoned The Gaming Club and other casino customer services to ban myself for life. The best they can offer due to technical reasons of the software is
5 years but that is good enough for the time being. I will be downloading and
installing Gamblock after I have printed off any gaming emails I need with
registration details for QuidCo purposes. I will be destroying all my credit
cards including Tesco Clubcard Mastercard and simply pay off what I can each
month until they are all paid off, then close the accounts permanently. I may
ask someone (perhaps Vicky you met) to look after my bank card and give me an
allowance each week. I know you would never do things like this but I feel I
have to. I have proved that I cannot be trusted with money. That is the extent
of how bad my problem is and I need to face that reality. I may have some
counselling again although GA might be enough of a dose every visit, I’ll
think about it.
Now here’s a real test for YOU Nick. If you do care about me and really do
worry then don’t ask to come up and see me again any time this year. If you
have weekends off or days off then find something to do with them but don’t
make me party to a gambling weekend at my house. Before you call me ... think,
and DON’T CALL please. That sounds awful and like I am blaming you, I know.
That’s not my intention, I am just speaking frankly what is on my mind. I
suppose I ‘want to’ blame you for the temptation, because I can never say no
and always get excited about it, but I know I can’t blame you or anyone else.
It’s like I said earlier, it is my choice to gamble, nobody forces me to do
it, including yourself, but look at the immense temptation when you are here
and you know deep down that you come over with the intent to gamble at mine. I
don’t want that situation ever again. In fact, I might even get rid of my
computer, I mean do I need it? I like emails and I like surfing but I managed
alright before the internet was around. I’ll give it some thought again. I am
trying to think of every possible measure I can to put in place to help me.
Will also compose a general letter in Word to pass on to as many casinos on
the internet as I can. It will have all my previous and current address
details, date of birth and other required information and explain I have a
gambling problem and I am trying to do everything I can to have no temptation.
I will make it a personal mission to cover as many sites as I can over the
months. It will be like an ongoing project every time a new casino pops up
that I haven’t heard of.
To close this email Nick I want you to fully understand that I am never
gambling again with you. I hope that we have more in our friendship than just
gambling. We will now find out because that truly is it for me buddy. I am
done. 31 years of heartache, misery, making promises I can’t keep, hurting and
letting down other people is enough for me. I want my friends and family to be
proud of me and I want to be proud of myself.
I am not expecting a response to this. If you want to comment then by all
means do. I am speaking honestly and frankly with no BS and asking you to take
note of what I have said.
Thank you.
Cheers,
Si
A lot to read, but it was a long email. Until next time then.
Hi Simon. Well done mate. As you say, how long does it take for the penny to drop--36 years in my case!.That is an excellent start to your quest for a non-gambling life. Personally I have found posting and reading other people's posts a tremendous help. Try not to beat yourself up about what has gone--you cannot change the past only the present and future. i read a saying on somebody's diary--'I cannot win because I cannot stop'. Where as I used to constantly think about gambling I now tend to think about this phrase--it certainly applies to me and the saying helps me.
Keep posting mate. All the best.
Stumper
Hello Simon,
Wow, thats some opening post... straight from the heart, whilst using your head. Thank you for sharing this with us and I hope that your friendship goes on to survive, as you clearly care a lot for your mate.
I do believe that the best possible chance for your recovery to succeed is for gambling to not to feature in it, in any form. If your friend cares for you, then he must understand why you are taking these measures.
Maybe one day, he will of had enough and feel ready to get off the roundabout of gambling and choose recovery for himself.
Meanwhile you are right to put yourself first, its the only way... so welcome Si.
Take it one day at a time.
Jackie
hello simon, powerfull start mate. hopefully your mate will take on board the meaning of what you have said and niether of you throw away a long standin friendship. If you dont need the pc pack it away you dont need to get rid. i really hope your mate replies in a positive manner cos it sounds like you could get on the road to helping each other. keep reading and posting here . one day at a time mate. john.
Thanks for people's comments on my first post.
In the middle of washing up the dishes but had to log in and just get some stuff off my mind because I am all over the place emotionally.
Finding it really hard to accept I have thrown away £1,840 2 nights ago, £750 a month ago, a few hundred the month before that and so on. Its like I am totalling all the amounts up in my head for the last 31 years and the thought of it all is driving me insane. I also find it hard to spend money now because of the guilt. I need some petrol and some groceries but I can't spend money on them because I keep thinking about what I have lost and that I should have covered it with that. Those thoughts make me want to go back to the casino to get my money back. I am angry and I feel they owe me something. I just can't come to terms with having to write off such a large amount, even though I know I will have to at some point. Its killing me inside, really.
So much anguish, guilt, shame and a real sense of having failed. Its all playing on my mind. I could call one of the counsellors to try and talk it through but what could they, or anyone else say? Nothing can make me feel better about it and only time will heal. I know that from past experience. Its these few days, lets say the first week after the loss that is the hardest part and I can't figure out why an intelligent guy like me keeps putting himself through it time and time again, knowing I'll have to live through these ill feelings once more.
Might share again a little later on in the evening. Hope everyone else is doing OK and having a more positive day. I won't go back to the casino even though its constantly on my mind. I will follow Peter's (the counsellor I spoke to) advice and say and keep to this, "Just for today I will not have a bet."
What has gone is gone and what is done is done and however much it eats you up it will not come back. You seem to be more concerned that you have lost your money rather than wanting to stop gambling. We have all lost money--I would think well over 100k in my case, over 36 years. Why did we lose such amounts? We are all sensible people in many other ways but not when it comes to compulsive gambling. Only you can change the future--your past is behind you.
Stay strong
Stumper
Hi Si,
Welcome to the recovery diaries. Your opening post was very powerful and you seem to be very committed in starting your recovery from compulsive gambling addiction.
I sympathise with you as my sister is a c.g...she still is. When i decided to give up in April 2009 she continued and that was very difficult to deal with. The temptation was unbearable at times but I worked through it. Believe me if i can do it anyone can. I hope your friendship can continue Si as it is clear you are really good mates but you have to think of yourself. Be selfish and take it one day at a time.
All the best...Jas
Would you believe that I have just received an email from a well known casino and bookmaker whose name sounds similar to Sad Crooks sending me promotional offers after I telephoned them 2 days ago and asked for a lifetime ban because I had a serious gambling problem? I am devastated. I am at my weakest point at the moment and this is how they help. I have just sent the following response:
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am amazed that you have sent me this email after I contacted you by telephone asking to be banned permanently because I have a serious problem with gambling only a few days ago. Have you actually closed my account yet and banned me? The customer service representative assured me you had.
This is very disappointing. Clearly you have no concern for my welfare and are trying to entice me back to playing again at your casino. I am going to write to the BBC Watchdog television program about this in the UK. I did not ask you to remove my details from all your mailing lists but surely this would have been completely obvious for you to do so given that I said I had problems and needed help. What kind of help or support is this for someone trying desperately to stop gambling? I hate the fact that you play on people’s vulnerabilities. You are in the worst kind of business and make your money in the most evil way. How can you sleep at night ruining so many people’s lives through the promotion of gambling? You are not a company that ‘earns’ money, you simply exploit people’s weaknesses. Disgusting.
Sincerely,
Simon Payne.
Having read back through this email, I do realise of course that it was my own choice to gamble and that if I had won lots of money I probably wouldn't have written it. However, I still believe what I have said to be true. I hate the fact that these companies do exist and they do not work hard to earn their money, they are rich millionaires who simply 'collect' more money. The mind boggles as to what they actually do with all this money they make. I am angry with myself really, I know, but it helps to get it off my chest anyway.
as you say mate its off your chest , and a bit of anger wont hurt. keep that guard up , john.
more and more bookies are opening these days. even though i have noticed that they are considerably quieter compared to 2 years ago, the fact remains that there are betting shops everywhere you turn. even half the number of football teams these days seem to be sponsored by an online gambling firm. the governement should impose stricter regualtions but as the industry pulls in so much money, i do not think they are really bothered about the welfare of individuals. sickening really. meanwhile, we have to suffer in almost complete ignorance as i do not think that the problem of gambling has been given enough attention in mainstream society. truly disgusting.
Just got up, snow everywhere, won't be able to get out again anywhere today. Was thinking about driving over to my Mum's for the weekend yesterday. All I can think about is downloading another casino and playing. It's crazy, absolute madness. How on earth can I be thinking about this after everything I have lost, said and done in the last 3 days? I banned myself from the casinos I played and lost at on the night but its easy enough just to download another one. I might be safe though as I also destroyed all but two of my bank and credit cards and the two I have left have no money on them so I wouldn't be able to play anyway unless I could remember the 3 digit security codes on the back of the one's I destroyed, which I can't. I so hate this 'illness.' Why am I so consumed by it? I could never walk away anyway, doesn't matter how much I won I'd only increase the bets. Then when I lose I increase them yet again to get back what I lost and make a small proift. Its bloody madness. I am having to fight so hard and the thoughts of my losses still consume me so much. I just can't stop thinking about them and getting so upset. I just breakdown and cry. I can't take it.
Hi Simon... put betfilter.com on your puter (its free for a few days) and then go out for a walk in the snow.. it can help to settle those thoughts and bring a healthy non-gambling feel good factor. Keep yourself safe.. S.A 🙂
Hi S.A. - I don't fancy going out in this weather and coming back cold and wet to be honest. Any other suggestions? I can only watch so much TV too. Last night I was watching TV and there were gambling adverts coming up all the time. A recurring one for Jackpot City was showing and that did my head in because that was one of the one's I played at 3 nights ago. I am now getting emails from them all with bonus offers. I feel trapped, like an alcoholic who can't go anywhere because there are pubs on every street corner.
Wrap up warm! 🙂
Anything will be better than staying in doors trying not to think about gambling. I mean it sounds like you escape into yourself and into your computer in your own home.. get out and about... find yourself a coffee shop (its warm) and read the paper, watch the world go past.. or go to the cinema.. or go for a swim or to the gym.
Anyway thats me done... am getting out and about myself. Have a good gamble free day.. S.A 🙂
hello mate those gambling adds really pi@@ me off they dont advertise ciggerettes any more but its ok to promote gambling??? madness someone needs a kick up the ar@e . dont know if you need pc for other things , you could pack it away for a bit. as for things to do it depends on your interests mate , personally i re-discovered reading a good book , watching ameteur sport and spending time with people i'd maybe neglected. I got a new fishing rod ( hadnt fished for 20 years plus ) recently played for a pool team bought a set of darts and if i were young enough the football boots would have come out!! after my period of abstaining had enough money to buy the missus an old horse which she spends loads of time with ( and ropes me in ) theres so much out there mate we just have to open our eyes set goals and chip away till we get there , and as delboy ( fools and horses ) would say ' the worlds your lobster' get that positive head on mate you will succeed . john.
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