My Recovery Diary

Hiya Simon

Hope your feeling good today. Thanks for your message, i've read your diary also 🙂

So I feel like I know you more now too.

I hope you and your friend can keep your relationship going, you have both been friends for such a long time ..but thing is..he just isn't good for you at the moment....and maybe in time..not good for you full stop. I've had friendships going back to I was 11...but sadly things do change, people change, realtionships change, and some just don't go the distance.

You were asking about my mum. She didn't contact me. She contacted my two eldest children and spent time with them. Thats fine by me.

That's how I want it, in my mind our relationship is over. Sound ruthless and heartless but in order for me to be at peace I want to be far away from her as possible. I've distanced my self from my brother and sister too. All in all it's a very 'toxic family' set up which I can no longer be part of ... Just not good for me at all, but very difficult at times because I feel on my own, and has took me many years to come to this. But hey I got my own children, and I have two very good friends that are like my family now anyway, and both independantly told me...to stay away from my mum! I trust their judgement as they are both very clever women.

I didn't get my dads certificate in the end..got some other mans of the same name. Ah well.

Anyway..what jumped out at me reading your diary is....you have lot going for you! And you have it all there to make a great life for yourself.

I will be tuning in this Saturday 🙂

Best wishes Del xo

Thanks for the message Delgirl.

Well I have been reading lots of diaries again this evening, been at it for a good few hours but its all good. Helps keep me sane and especially realise that gambling is just such a waste of time.

I have had the odd thought today about gambling but nothing of real importance - at least I am not going to give those thoughts any importance. OK, I don't particularly like that I have them but its fine, I am dealing with it.

All I want to say before bed is a big thanks to God, or the universal/higher power - whatever it is in life that helps me - but I know something does ... thank you for keeping me OK today. Bless everyone else on this site, those who are doing OK and those who are struggling. Life is so short really, let us enjoy it without gambling getting in the way.

Just for today I did not gamble. Tomorrow, I will not be gambling either.

Wow, just read all of this and feel like I have, as someone else said, been through a wringer. You may have noticed an entry from me in late Jan 2010, it seems even more strange a read, having been around for the start and only now catching up....

Anyway, I can so relate to so many things you have said it is untrue.

One of the striking thoughts is your comments on depression and how they seemed to resonate with a number of people here - myself included. I recall reading somewhere that an addition can be part of this - although it is 4am so I could have just made it up!

I reckon your mate is struggling, his latest mail smacks of justification to me (although I am not a psychologist by any means) - I think he may well be asking you for help when he reaches 'that' stage.

Thanks for you comments on my diary, I have gained incredible strength from reading yours.

Good luck mate.

Hi Simon glad you are doing ok and staying strong resisting the uurges. I have been having some strong urges these last few days. Its got to that point in the month wheere I could really do with a 'top up'. I won't be doing it though.

I wish you all the best with the job search. I know how tough that can be so I'm really hoping for the best for you. I thinking being in work is so important in recovering from any mental health issues. You will do it you sound strong and focused.

Keep going pal. There are peopke who genuinely look for your posts and read them with genuine empathy.

Hi simon, just got back from my family trip to Butlins. Just had a catch up on with your diary and i'm glad to hear you've had a positive week. Well done mate, keep up the good work and best wishes on achieving all your goals you've set yourself.

I'll try and catch some of the show tomorrow

Keith

Hiya Simon,

I tuned in yesterday, thanks for the shout out..I really enjoyed the music. The greek stuff is fantastic...very uplifting.

Hope your having a lovely weekend.

Del xox

simon...reading through your diary i was very honoured that you gave my diary a mention last week...ive been meaning to post sooner but not managed to get near a computer...anyways im still bet free since dec 09....stumper came back similar to yourself after gambling but has since disappeared ?? jasmine has turned her life around without this gambling carp and you are too...stick with the diaries friend you are doing excellent in your new resolve to quit and long may it continue 😉 best wishes,we can do this 🙂 w.P

Hi simon,

hope all is well. Just following up what wp says, i've missed you posting on your diary lately. Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Keith

Hiya Simon,

Just popping in to say hiya and hope everything is okay with you.

Del xo

Simon--pleased to see that you are in control much more than when we first posted on each others diaries. I tend to read a few diaries from time to time although rarely post since my friend was banned. Keep up the progress and well done so far.

Thank you so much to all those who have posted since my last entry. Really appreciate that and it gives me a huge boost knowing that people are thinking of me and taking the time to check in and see how I am doing.

I haven't written in my diary for a few days and its amazing to see how the gambling thoughts start haunting me again so quickly. Goes to show how important it is for me to make this site a priority in my life.

Been OK and not gambled. Procrastinating a lot though when it comes to knuckling down and looking for work. I am signed off work due to a mental health issue but feel ready to start getting back into work to try and create some structure and routine in my life now. I am sure a lot of my gambling was down to boredom and having too much time to to myself. What is it about sitting down, looking through jobs and applying for some that is so hard, really? I seem to make such an issue out of it and have almost become scared of the process. I think negatively about it all and have low self-esteem, often thinking that because I am 42 this year and haven't worked for a while, I am probably unemployable. Yet I don't even give it a fair go. Anyway, just need to offload all that I suppose.

There's a GA meeting in my town this evening at 7.15pm so I might pop along to that. Haven't stepped foot in a GA room for over 10 years but it can help a lot if its a good meeting and it keeps me out of a trouble and a reason to get out of the home and my comfort zone.

Seeing my girlfriend over the weekend so that'll be nice. Also got my show to look forward to and if you're reading this Delgirl, I'll pop a few more Greek numbers in for you since you liked the last one's so much.

Great to get a message from you Stumper, hope all is going well with you and pleased to know you are still here even after what happened to your friend. It doesn't sound nice what happened but I don't know the facts so can't really comment. Hope you stay here and post though for yourself.

Right, I'll do a bit more reading of posts I think now, try to get some energy for the day and plod on. Funny how at the beginning I was so fired up about everything, now a couple of weeks in I seem to be on a come down. Why is that? Need to try and get some consistency going and just maintain a calm and balanced way of being.

Have a great day. Just for today I will not gamble.

Hope everything is well Simon.

Someone once said to me, make finding a job a full time job - tbh I started at 10am, had a two hour dinner and finished at 4pm - but it worked for me....

As much as it drives me mad, I do think that I would miss the structure of work, as well as the interaction with others.......maybe find something that you enjoy.....we do spend a hell of a lot of time at work so it is important.

Anyway, no long posts from me (that is your prerogative!) but keep plucking away and keep positive.

Hi Diary...

Feeling OK on the gambling front, the thoughts I had last week have disappeared thank God. Funny how they popped into my head and why is it always so soon after a binge? Anyway, got through it so that's the main thing.

Been doing some jobs around the home today; painting, arranging furniture, hanging pictures, moving sculptures, general interior design stuff in my home. Have had 2 comments from trades people in the past week about how nice my home is and how I have such a good eye for interior design. They suggested I look into it as a career. Not a bad idea actually as I do find the subject fascinating and I am sure I'd enjoy that type of work. Going to look into some courses and have a general feel around the subject and how one can get into work with companies when qualified.

Some great news about my friend Nick. He has not gambled since we both lost and neither does he want to. I assumed he would go back pretty quickly but I was wrong and I am so happy about this. He has had enough too. We have both closed all our online accounts and banned ourselves for at least a year. I have actually done it for a lifetime on some of the sites but not all. Feeling good and plodding on.

Wishing everyone reading a healthy recovery and the strength to say no each day to this baffling and insidious illness as GA put it. I have to agree with them on this particular point.

Just updating my diary as its been a few days. Generally things are going OK and although I have had a few thoughts of gambling here and there I have managed it well and doing all the right things. Visiting friends in Nottingham this weekend and one of them is also a recovering compulsive gambler so we are very good company for each other.

Hope you guys are doing OK and life is good. Popping into the chat room now for a quick catch up.

Hi Simon,

Good to hear everything's going ok for you, hope you had a good weekend in Nottingham, pretty cool place to go out in, i used to live there for a while when i was younger. Have you heard from your friend at all?? Hope hes ok. I've got a gambling friend, I haven't seen half as much as i used to, really only have gambling in common but i still go and see him occasionally. Anyway, hope all is good with you

Keith