My Recovery Diary

Thought I would give this a little bump, be great if you could give us an update Simon, be great to hear that everything has been good and will still be great to hear from you even if things aren't as good.

I have followed this diary and it has been an inspiration to me, suspect many other as well.

Many thanks for the message Keith and thanks also to you stl, I appreciate your support and its nice to know that my diary helps you too. Your message was just what I needed today as I have fallen off track a little.

I haven't posted for a while and that wasn't deliberate, but because I let other things in my life take priority. That wasn't a good decision. I need to remind myself constantly about the pitfalls of gambling and gambling related behaviour. Keeping recovery at the forefront of my mind is key so I'll make stronger efforts from today to post a few times a week, which is what I feel I need to do.

Just noticed there is a GA meeting in Bath tonight at 7.15pm so going to pop along to that just to see what its like. I'll talk more about that next post.

Latest news is that I have been in Greater London visiting friends and family. Caught up with my friend and watched him lose £2,000 playing online slots and video poker. I knew that was going to happen. He always gambles around me and I always watch. I haven't gambled myself since Easter and I am pleased about that obviously, but I'd be lying (to myself) if I said I haven't felt tempted watching my friend, even though he did lose. I wish he could give up and be as strong as I have been because together, I know we could not play for a long time and support each other all the way. its so difficult to do it when one is still gambling.

Things on the work front unchanged. I am seeing someone tomorrow to get help and advice about getting back into work so that will be helpful.

Family, friends and girlfriend all OK. Better get ready for the meeting then. Thanks so much to those that pop in and see how I am getting on. As well as meaning a lot personally, it really helps too. It has given me the lift and determination I needed today to sort my head out and get back on track. In the week I have been away I have put on over 3 stone as well as being mentally unfit in terms of what I was doing. Its so easy in life to get distracted and that can lead onto so many other things. I have to get back into a positive routine again, as I was before I left.

Blessings to all...

Me.

Hi,

Just read your last post and was a bit worried to hear about you watching your friend lose all that money. Sure enough he lost heavily and you kept your resolve to keep away from the evils of gambling.

But what if he had won huge? How would you have felt then? Honestly? My main pitfall in my latest setback was having a big win. We all know that this ALWAYS lead to more problems.

Just be careful, eh?

Have a good evening.

GT

Good to hear from you 1000days and Gettingthere. Yes I meant to say I have put on 3 stone altogether over a period of about a month, not in 1 week, my mistake!

It bothers me because its binging like my gambling. I have extreme highs and extreme lows, but never seem to be able to maintain a healthy balance somewhere in between. Just one month ago I weighed in at around 164lb, now I am back up to 178lb which is where I started a year ago.

You get in a routine of doing well, like the gambling, then for some reason you have just 1 pizza (or 1 small bet) and the old destructive pattern kicks in straight away and lasts for ages before you break it again, madness.

Anyway, feeling a lot better today. Yesterday was a really difficult day and I was very down. I am sure I suffer with severe depression but my Doctor doesn't seem to pick up on it despite what I tell him. Whenever I have an appointment booked I am feeling on a high on that day so of course he doesn't see the lows.

In terms of gambling, well, I have been playing with fire by watching my best friend gamble on his computer several times since Easter, which was when I last had a bet. At the GA meeting Thursday night they told me quite clearly that "gambling is gambling" whether its with money or not. I know what they mean and I want to agree with them but I am struggling. I used to go to GA many years ago and had many periods off gambling, some as long as a year, but inevitably I went back.

Was that because I wasn't working the GA program and the steps properly? I am sure it was. I probably never really wanted to stop, and that is what Step 1 is all about. I am still struggling with it now. Gamcare is a harm minimisation approach towards gambling whereas GA is abstinence based. If I go the GA route I can never gamble again, but, and its a big but, am I just kidding myself if I don't?

I have tried to gamble normally many times in my life and failed each of those times. I have seen people in GA rooms who haven't gambled for long periods of times (10 years plus) and they seem calm, focussed, confident and positive with good structured lives. GA is much more than stopping gambling, it is a program that, if worked properly and honestly, makes many other changes to your life.

Anyway, I am not here to promote GA, but it is heavily on my mind since the meeting on Thursday and my mind is in turmoil over which route to take. I know that I would like to have the lives these people have, but I know also that the thought of never being able to have a bet again is a daunting one as deep down I would like to believe I can control my gambling at some point. The question is, can I, or am I kidding myself as previously mentioned, and will I reach 50, then 60, then 70 and still be asking the same question?

Have a good weekend all.

Hello Diary, had a much better day today and yesterday was pretty good too. Back on the meds that I am supposed to be on; I went 3 weeks without them which I guess was pretty silly in hindsight.

A few thoughts about gambling, but no thoughts of actually doing it. I was thinking about cashback websites and how I used to download loads of online casinos, play Blackjack on low bets to meet the play through requirements then take the money and wait for the cashback. I did make money from this over a period of a year but it all went back on the gaming sites as you have guessed already, plus a lot more on top. Gambling plays with your head so much.

On that note I am really struggling with a holiday that I was going to book in June next year with my friend. We were going to go to Las Vegas for 3 weeks, golfing and gambling. Suppose I stopped gambling for a year, would it be utter madness to go back to it again? GA would of course say yes, as GA is an abstinence based program. Gamcare take a harm minimisation approach and I have always been confused with what that means 'practically.' I mean, I know, like many others using this site, that if I had a bet again I would be back in the action and probably get carried away and have a massive binge. In my mind I want to believe that one day I could control it, and that day could be a year from now, but could I or am I just kidding myself and looking for a way to keep the pilot light burning? GA would call that self-justification. So would I.

I hate the fact I haven't been able to gamble in a controlled way at any point of my life to date. That say's it all doesn't it? Why am I even giving it so much importance? I met people in GA last Thursday who had made huge changes in their lives. They don't just stop gambling, they do so much more, following a 12 step program (a philosophy, a different way of living) and making real changes along the way in all areas of their lives. I want that, but I also want to believe I can one day gamble normally again. How the addiction has its power over me and keeps playing with my mind and trying to tempt me. Has anyone ever done that successfully? I am sure its possible for a small number of people but not many I would imagine. I'd like to know how many people using Gamcare go to GA too? I am looking forward to going to the meeting again this Thursday.

Goodnight and God bless.

Hi Simon,

Nice to see you posting with more regularity. I remember going to vegas when i was part of the GA program. Didn't bet for the first couple of hours, then when we went out in the evening, i took a minimal amount out with me..straight on the tables, straight back to the safe. Done everything on the first evening!! After 6 months without having a gamble this was how i behaved!! I was lucky i had a friend who lent me some money so i could continue to gamble for the week otherwise i would've spent the whole week in my hotel room!! I loved vegas but it set me back a long way in my recovery, who knows what could've been had i never had gone as i spent the next 4 years gambling.

Well done on not gambling for so long anyway mate, i believe in what GA stands for and that total abstinence is the only way forward. Addiction can never be cured but only arrested. The only story i know along these lines is 'Roy the Boy' Brindley. He's prof poker player who is also a self confessed compulsive gambler but look in that as you will, you might wanna google his story, never looked myself though. Anyway mate, take care of yourself, look into your heart and i'm sure you make the right decision for YOU.

Hi simon its been ages since I caught up with your diary so good to see you still posting and battling.

I too am seeing weight gain week on week brought about by heavy drinking and junk food eating. Its just why way of coping with the loss of rush I got from gambling. It is like me rewarding myself but at the same time I'm feeling bad about it.

Also interesting what you say about GA. I haven't been to a single meeting yet. My recovery solely revolves around this forum and will power alone.

Still, I am up to 60 days without a single bet so something must be working for me even if other areas are suffering.

Keep strong mate ill be back soon to post and read more

Note to self...

Come on Simon, pucker up mate! You are procrastinating and this is not what recovery is all about. You have made the decision to stop gambling. OK, good move but you could be doing a lot more than that, and you know it. Start doing what you need to do and stop making excuses. Its not too late. 41 is young. Don't be hard on yourself and think negative thoughts about yourself. That was Dad talking, not you. Keep reading this as often as you need to until the message goes in. Mind you, don't keep reading it to the point of procrastinating further due to your reading! Come on pal, your great, you can have a super life but only you can sort it out. Love you xx and so does Michelle xx

Had an OK day today but had to push myself really hard to do anything. In fact, the whole week has gone like that but its got better as the week has gone on. Had a good GA meeting last night although I am finding that very challenging as well because I want to talk about my recovery diary on Gamcare but they keep discouraging me from talking about Gamcare as it is not inline with GAs principals of abstinence. Also, Gamcare is sponsored by the gaming industry and this is strictly against the principals of GA who do not have anything to do with the gaming industry. Made me angry in the room and I showed it. I can't understand why GA can't just support me like a counsellor would, in a non judgemental manner for example. When I put that to them there response was, "...because you are in a GA room, not a one to one session with a counsellor." Anyway, I could debate it further but what's the point? I just want to try and recover. What about the person sitting in the room whose head is in a bloody state and just needs to talk and get better? I may as well come up with my own group for recovery where everyone is invited and accepted without anybody bashing anybody else. I am struggling, confused, lonely and unhappy. Just for today I will not gamble. Good night.

Hey simon

thanks for your response on my thread the other day.

It sucks that GA don't listen, at the end of the day it is us with the problem and if they are really there to help then they should not care how we get where we want to be in life, only that we do.

I've been contemplating going to GA meetings but from what I've heard Im not sure that I want to.

Just want to say, tonight I feel lonely too, I've come to stay at my Mums for a while and im sat at home with her and my sister on a Friday night instead of out on the lash with my mates as I have pretty much gambled all I have left now.

Also can't stop thinking about what my ex-girlfriend will be doing right now, I shouldnt care because she spent the 15 months we were together treating me like dirt and adding to my troubles...

Chin up mate

Hi Andy,

Thanks for your post. I think you definitely should go to a GA meeting to make up your own mind about the meetings rather than what people tell you or you hear on this site. I was having a bad day and feeling very low. My confusion was to do with GA and here - the conflict of interests between the two - but I was simply offloading. I wouldn't want you to think GA is not supportive to the problem gambler because it totally is. I am attending GA in Bath on a weekly basis and although I have found the first two weeks very challenging I know its all positive and leading in the right direction. It is a group with members who are strong in recovery. I know they will support me but I need to be open and willing to accept that support and ready to change first. My advice is definitely to go to a GA meeting in your area.

Dear diary...

This is a copy of the first paragraph from an email I just sent my best friend. It felt good writing it and I mean every word. It was my response following an email he has sent me with links to websites about new technology in the latest slot machines.

"...I have been to GA for the last 2 weeks and have decided to make a full time commitment now as I really do want to stop gambling for a long time. There is a meeting in Bath and its a really strong group. I am going to find it very challenging. I have already argued strongly, been angry and upset in the last two weeks but the members have accepted me and welcomed me with open arms encouraging me to stick with it. I want to keep going and try to practice the steps much more than I did first time around all those years ago now. Actually it was 1993 when I first started going, can you believe it? That's when I broke up with Benedicte and went for the first time. Thinking back, I'd lost the one woman I loved all because of gambling yet it still wasn't enough to make me stop, and so I carried on from then up till now. I believe that if I put 100% into the 12 steps recovery programme I can make a better life for myself in lots of areas, and I really need to do that because I have been desperately unhappy for such a long time. I'd obviously like to have your support with this but I don't know to what extent you will be able to support me because I am assuming gambling will always be a part of your life. For the moment, can I ask you not to send me any more emails like this one. Also, if you go back to gambling, please don't tell me or talk about it. I know its been me 99% of the time that brings it up and all I can say is that I am making a determined effort from now on not to do that. I'll try to keep GA a separate part of my life and not talk to you about it when we meet up, not unless you want to, but in the past I have been in lecture mode when I have come out of a meeting and tried to get you to go too. It was only because I had a great meeting and was on a high with a renewed faith and hope in my life so I couldn't wait to share it with you, but it wasn't right and you can't force things on other people. I realise that now and I won't do it this time round. I just want to try and get better. There are too many areas of my life that are wrong and have been for some time. I believe that regular attendance to GA can help me sort it all out and help me rebuild a more constructive future, I hope so anyway. I have exhausted every other option so I am going to give it my best shot."

It's 5.45am, I haven't been able to sleep but not because of any gambling related problems. I am determined to have a constructive week. I am redesigning a website for a cabinet maker who did some work in my home. I want to do a great job on it for him since he did such a lovely job in my home recently. I used to work in IT and am currently looking to get back into the industry in a web development capacity. If anybody reading could offer me such a position (or at least an interview) do please get in touch. Relocation is an option for the right opportunity. I am happy to bring the cabinet making project with me. It is for a local firm in my locality.

I am feeling much better than I did last week. Thinking of you all and praying for a sturdy recovery. Just for today I will not gamble.

Hi diary, (that's like saying Hi to myself!)

Well I thought I better put something in my own diary since I have been posting so much in others! Actually, its all good stuff and I am getting a real buzz (is that the right term?) out of reading and posting in other peoples diaries. I am having ups and downs this week but its manageable. The thoughts of gambling are definitely less this week than the previous two weeks so I am very pleased about that. I think my attendance at GA is definitely a contributing factor and I am really looking forward to my next meeting which is later tonight. I hope that some of the things I say on peoples diaries are supportive in some way. I spend a lot of time typing and I really want it to go to good use! I am getting so much support by reading others diaries, I can relate to so many threads and I am desperate to give back. When you think of all the knowledge in the world if all people got together and shared there experiences, my goodness its mind blowing.

Anyway, off to bed. i am going to be praying tonight but this time really believing in my higher power as opposed to just doing it out of habit, stuff learnt as a kid etc. I have been reading the GA literature a lot this week and I am trying to practice the first few steps which are to do with my higher power. Anyway, night all and God bless you all so much.

Simon xxx

Hi Simon,

Just wanted to say thanks for your comments in my diary yesterday, it's appreciated (and spookily good guess!!)

You seem to have really been through it for the last couple of years, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger...

You know as well as anyone on here what you need to do and how to do it.

Just one thought, have you not got gamblock or something similar? Internet isn't a problem for me but it seems that you still have temptation and your friend being able to gamble at your place, is that not a simple block to put in place to make it that much more difficult when you have a weak moment? Just a thought...

have a good gamble free day

Hi Simon,

Its so good to see you so actively involved in this website. I haven't got so much to post these days about my own feelings, mainly because i haven't got all that much to say in terms of gambling thoughts. What keeps me strong is reading other diaries, and doing my best to help others with the best advice i can give. I have found that advice is not always appreciated, i remember one guy saying 'who are you to tell me how to live my life and what i can and cannot do'. But on the whole people who have a real desire to give up appreciate support and advice mainly because its good to know there are others out there who follow our progress.

I hope the work situation works itself out, have a good time at the meeting tonight mate. All the best

Keith

Hi simon,the 1st thing i must say,and not ashamed to say it is,your support you posted to my diary brought tears to my eyes.just to know that somebody who does`nt know you can care so much.So thank you so much.As you could tell from my posting it was looking like a round 1 knock out,but you really have put a bit of fire back in my stomach,think am ready to get up for round 2.i cant wait to read your diary,but am at work on dinner so dont have time now( am sure they think am on the P**n sites,every time somebody walks by i close it down,then am sitting there looking at a empty screen looking sheepish ha ha) i finnish half day tomorrow so will read it then,ive got a feeling am going to find a lot of help in there going on what you`ve told me so far.so till tomorrow,all the best simon and thank again