My Recovery Diary

Hi Simon

Well done m8 on your first month.sounds to me like things are picking up for you. Hope your new relationship works out .All the best Jeff.

Thankyou so much for your recent post on my diary Simon--your comments meant a lot to me.

You are doing so well mate. You are a different person to a month ago. The tone of your posts has changed and I am sure that however hard it has been for you, it will be for the better in the end. Hope your new relationship goes well for you and I will look for your posts with interest and anticipation as usual.

Feeling pretty low today. Combination of stress, depression and thoughts a bit too personal to share on here but suffice to say very emotionally difficult for me; an ongoing problem since childhood that just won't go away.

I haven't gambled even though the thought has crossed my mind. I need to be aware and careful because I have drunk a bottle of red wine with more in the cupboards should I want it. I can binge drink in the same addictive way I do when gambling and the two very often go together, i.e. when I am drunk I often gamble. I'll be OK though because I am aware of it which is good.

Not sure what else to say really because its not really gambling stuff that's bothering me. Just needed an outlet to sit down and talk so hopefully this is an OK place to do it at.

Have you ever been to counselling for so long (over a period of years) and felt you never really got anywhere with it? That's what I am feeling right now! Alone, confused and misunderstood. Even I don't understand my own thoughts and desires, let alone someone else trying to.

Going to watch TV for a little while then maybe just drift off. I am supposed to be driving to Southampton tomorrow. Took Tuesday off so back at work on Wednesday.

Hope everyone else is staying strong and doing OK.

Hi Simon. Hope you are feeling more upbeat. Having suffered from stress and severe depression in the past I can sympathise with the way things that may seem trivial to others can easily get you down. I had a major problem for many years when I fund out I had been adopted as a baby. Looking back I was lucky to have such loving parents and now later in life I have traced lots of relatives from my birth parents. What used to trouble me I now look on in a totally different way--a bit like I do at the moment with gambling.

The mind can be a complex thing and sometimes I wonder whether we look too hard for answers when either one is not there or is perhaps not even needed--hope this makes sense.

All the best

Stumper

Hope everyone is doing OK in recovery.

Haven't updated for a few days. Wanted to write something so as not to get complacent. Still a few drifting thoughts about gambling here and there, mostly due to boredom I think. Back home around 5pm most weekdays and single so don't go out much. Think I have got into a routine of TV, surfing the web and generally doing stuff at home. I could try and force myself to go out and join some clubs but most of the time I just don't feel in the mood and can't be bothered.

Went to a speed dating event on Wednesday but even that felt like an effort to go to and that was for free. I had 12 matches out of 20 which is pretty good and gives me lots of opportunity to date different people but even with that I still don't seem to be bothered about it. Is it because I have just turned 40 and this is what happens or is it just me? Its like I've got no get up and go in me and no enthusiasm to do anything or meet anyone; I am just happy staying at home watching TV with a glass of wine, although even that pleasure has been taken away as I decided to go on a diet at the beginning of the week so no alcohol for a while. Good friends live in London (I am in Bath) and I keep putting off phoning them. Oh well, that's how I am feeling anyway. Perhaps its part of my depression, which I do take meds for, but its not clinical depression so would it be that?

Gambling is a dangerous past time for me because its always been there so its easy to go back to because its what I know, I guess in many ways it fills in those gaps too. You'd think I'd want to do other things but it seems not. Anyway, fighting on and so far going well. If I do have weak moments then I need to come back and read my original post here just over 3 weeks ago now.

Stumper, I do agree that the mind is complex. I have often spent time (wasted time) trying to find answers or analyse parts of my life, always without success. I think people are all so different from each other. Some have the right amount of hormones and are balanced, others not. Not really sure where I fit in on that spectrum. I don't even know myself at times, actually quite often. I am talking in many senses from my identity to my gender to my sexuality and beyond. Gambling seems only a small part of what I have to live with on a daily basis and I suppose I am drawn to it because its a way out. I feel so mixed up in my head.

Might write more later.

Hi Simon,firstly thank you for offering Stumper the help with his PC,i am sure you will have it sorted in next to no time :).I do read your diary and i understand exactly the place you have been in emotionally,i am currently on medication too,Gambling is just part of the problem for many CG's,i wouldn't be at all surprised if some form of medication is taken by a large proportion of us.I feel sure that if you can beat our horrible addiction(and you will),then you will gradually be able to deal with the other things that trouble you,stay strong simon.

Seano.

Simon--thanks for the offer re my computer but I think our friend has sorted it.

In your last post you said something like you know gambling and that it is easy to go back to it. Yes it is you are perfectly right but if you know gambling you also know how the after effects make you feel.

If you are worried about being 40 mate I really would not worry because we cannot stop the march of time so what you cannot change yourself you really should not worry about. From my experience with medication for depression I would say to each their own but my meds caused me more harm than good to be honest. Whilst medication is good initially I found that I was becoming worse the longer I was on Prozac, Seroxat and a few others, I cannot remember what they were called. I would say that you should stay in contact with your GP--if you feel they are not right for you tell the Gp NOW. I look back on my 'dark days' of depression and recall that I thought that it took 7 years to reach its peak and another 7 years to go away--even today my wife says I get down to easily-making mountains out of molehills--something I think if we are all truthful we tend to do.

Gambling is just one of the curve balls that life tends to throw at some of us--is'nt it annoying when you look at some people who seem on the face of it to be strolling through life without a care in the world and nothing seems to go wrong for them----deep down they are probably tearing themselves apart but they just hide it better than us.

Life sure is not easy but I truly believe that this is not a rehearsal-this is the real thing and we will not be back again for another try. Whilst I am not saying pull yourself together---I used to hate that when people said that to me, thinking Oh is that all I have to do you t**t, if it was all do you not think that I would have done that already!! I suppose what I am trying to say is that only you have the power to change yourself. Others can offer as much advice as they want but only you can make that decision to look at things in a new more positive light. I can tell that everybody thinks you are an intelligent well balanced person but unfortunately that is not how you see yourself. Please see that your glass is indeed half full and not half empty.

Keep moving forward, onwards and upwards, one day at a time and any other of the sayings that we tend to trot out. You have the power within you, you just have not found it yet.

All the very best

Stumper

Hi Simon,

Your emotions and feelings will return to equilibrium once the gambling is out of the equation. Gambling, in my opinion, numbs the senses. It takes something special from us and it takes time to get that sparkle back. You will...give it time.

Now....speed dating! You seem to have got quite a few matches there...surely that's a good sign? Go for it Simon...it would be nice for you to have someone to share that glass of wine with 🙂 I've heard there is a dating agency where you exchange insults...that's my cup of tea!

Enjoy your Sunday......Jas x

Thanks Sean, Stump and Jas.

I have just got back from work (meter reading) and had a shower. Getting ready to go out with one of the women I met speed dating last Thursday. Wanted to sign in because its been a few days.

Not in the best of moods at the moment and gambling did cross my mind earlier, but I dismissed it quickly because I know it won't really make me feel any better in the long run. I do believe however that gambling does give you short term pleasure. The pleasure part of it is the isolation; just you and the machine, the acceptance; because whatever you gamble on doesn't judge or criticise you; and an escape from whatever it is that's bothering you, albeit short term. I sometimes wonder if its still worth the risk because without it I have to face the problems I want to escape from, which is uncomfortable and difficult.

There's things I want to say in this post but I won't because I know they would be inappropriate for this forum. It would be dragging my non gambling personal issues into a place that isn't for them and it would undoubtedly upset people. I am an angry person inside for all sorts of reasons and I often want to take it out on others. I have tried counselling so many times over the years and it helps a little, but only a little, because unless I can change the way I think about people it doesn't matter how many times I am told it.

I want to respect the boundaries of the forum but let me say at least that its too do with the way that people talk to me and treat me, both in my working life and my personal life. I come across so many rude people and its getting to me a lot. I am extremely sensitive. I am not a person that can let things go over my head or bite my tongue. I feel I am getting closer and closer to the edge and if any of you have seen the film Falling Down with Michael Douglas, well I feel just like that. It worries me because I think I am going to lose it soon. How do you not let someone get to you? So much counselling but still I can't do it. I know there's people that can but I don't know how. I always seem to personalise things, naturally and instinctively. If anyone has got some advice about things to try that genuinely may help then do please comment.

This is why gambling is so appealing to me I suppose. It really is about escaping for me. I used to think that people were good and kind hearted but no way. You get some really horrible people out there. I feel I am losing touch with people on every level. Its like I don't really want to date people which I said in my last post. At the same time though I feel I am missing out on something and sometimes miss someone to cuddle up to. I feel I may as well date men even though I am not really attracted to them but simply because I don't seem to be able to cope with women I meet be it dating or otherwise. Sorry, I need to stop here because I am crossing the boundary I said I wouldn't. Problem is I really need to offload and there's nowhere else to do it. I'll write more tomorrow if I feel a little more upbeat. I just have no energy after this week and everything I have had to put up with. I am drained. I want to be around animals. I have given up with people.

Stump, you said some complimentary words and I appreciate them. You are right that perhaps I don't see a lot of good things in myself. But there are also times when I do see a lot of good things in myself and I expect those same attributes in other people like politeness, good manners and common courtesy etc. Suffice to say I am constantly let down.

Jasmine, you may be right. I'll have to do the time and get back to you on that one.

Sean, thanks for your words and for following my post with such interest.

Have a good weekend all.

Hi Simon,

Must say you are much better than me at putting some of the "emotional" things in your posts,i find that aspect really difficult myself,i'm sure as CG's we all share similar personality traits,i am honest enough to admit that in the not to distant past i have sat in the house alone in floods of tears,wondering what an earth i could do to untangle the mess that my head had become,and it goes without saying that i felt that it wasn't worth living....,glad to say that is no longer the case,i am very much a work in progress though.

You are clearly a well educated Man ( i have checked your website),and i noted in your last post that you were currently a meter reader,i have just started back in a job after a long period of time feeding my compulsion on a full time basis.....,(what a complete idiot i have been!!),the thing is Simon,i have taken a job that is paying me way, way, less than i have previously earned and certainly my qualifications are currently being wasted,still i need the money,and being in this position is all my own fault. I agree it is really hard not letting things get at you,i have to try really hard everyday,it is a battle we can win though.Very best thoughts to you.

Seano.

Simon, firstly may I say that as usual your post is straight from the heart and pulls no punches.

You are obviously a caring person but you seem to struggle with the fact that others act differently in certain situations.

Many people who are not cg's would find it extremely difficult to accept that your gambling traits were either reasonable or understandable behaviour. I find drug addicts and alcholics behaviour impossible to comprehend as I do not do what they do. I find hetrosexuality acceptable but struggle to understand homosexuality. Despite these personal feelings I respect the fact that others feel differently about certain things. With respect to what you say I think that seems to be where you are struggling with things--we are all different mate whether we like it or not. We act differently, we think differently and we speak differently. We are all different in almost every way.

You say that you have difficulty relating to people on a work and personal basis at times but it is obvious from your earlier postings that you do care very much about some individuals.

In life things are always a struggle at times but 'Falling Down' is a drastic way of resolving any situation and indeed if you follow it through to its conclusion, the aftermath of the effects on others of such an event would be catastrophic. As somebody who has suffered from quite severe mental health problems in the past, if you are seriously feeling that way inclined I would implore you to seek urgent medical attention. I would even go as far as saying that you should consider copying this diary and showing it to your GP. Please do not take this as being critical as I am merely expressing my own feelings which I hope would bring some help to you.

Wishing you all the best.

Keep posting

Stumper

Thanks for the comments. Today has been one of the most difficult, petrifying and worrying days of my life. Since the age of 9 I have been struggling and fighting off feelings of wanting to be a woman. To say its been confusing is an understatement!

I always new I would reach the point when it got too much and the bubble would burst where I'd just have to say, "Stuff it, I simply have to go out like this and be who I am regardless of what reactions I get." That day was today.

To my absolute surprise its been so much easier than I thought it would be. As I reflect back on the events of the day I wonder two things; why its taken me so long to do this, and what I was so worried about all along.

I have spent the day with friends shopping and drinking coffee and while I have got a few looks, naturally, I haven't experienced any prolonged stares, nasty comments, abuse or judgemental comments, which I was so sure I would do. Perhaps it was because I was with friends? Not sure. Either way its certainly boosted my confidence for tomorrow and each day to come as today is the first day of my RLE (Real Life Experience) where you are required to live in your chosen gender for at least 6 months before being considered for any surgery or hormones.

So, now that I have got past the biggest hurdle of my life to date its time to consider the implications of gambling. Its probably safe to assume that the gambling has been a way out from facing the real issue going on my life. The anger that I spoke of in my last post is also a result of repressing these feelings for so long. I am sure about that because at this moment and for all of the day I have felt the most comfortable I have ever felt in my life. Its like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am finally free. The anger has gone, the pent up frustration has gone and the jealousy of women has gone.

No thoughts about gambling today at all. Far too peoccupied with other things!

Not too sure what else to write at the minute so I'll sign off and look forward to any comments. Hope everyone else is doing well with recovery. Apologies if my last post seemed angry towards women. It wasn't meant to be sexist. Indeed I have always lived with extreme anger towards them because they have got what I want. Today I felt like an equal with little jealousy, apart from the really pretty ones!

Thanks for reading. x

Hi Simon,

Well i have to say that is the bravest post i have ever read on here,and to do what you have done today must have taken immense courage.....,so good for you.I'm sure not one person on this site will be in anyway judgemental towards you,and if this is going to make you feel "real" as a human being then that's fantastic,lets hope that your decision helps you to overcome all of the issues you have struggled with including the gambling problems.

Very best wishe's.

Seano.

As Seano says your last post is extremely brave. I have thought since your first post that there was something deeper causing you concern. Gambling appears to have been an outlet for you which unfortunately had a bad effect on you by becoming an obsession. Now you have decided to 'come out' as it were, I am sure that the gambling side of your life will begin to pale into insignificance in the weeks and months to come as you concentrate your efforts into resolving these even more important issues in your life.

All the best

Stumper

Hi Simon,

Well done you 🙂 I hope this is the beginning of something really good for you.

I will go clothes shopping with you anytime!

Love from Jas xx