My Recovery Diary

Hi guys,

Thanks once again for your comments. Jas, its a nice offer to go shopping together and one I would take you up on if you ever visit Bath, not sure where you are from yourself. I certainly do need a new wardrobe. I have lots of clothes already but its amazing that I still can't find a suitable outfit for tomorrow - my work disciplinary meeting at 10.30am. I am extremely nervous about this. I have already emailed the company to say I will be turning up as Emily. I sought legal advice about possible implications before I wrote and sent it.

Today has been idle. I have not wanted to go out and expose my feminine self to the world in quite the same way I did yesterday. In fact, I have felt more like Simon and had no desire or energy to want to dress up or get into role, as it were. This of course only confuses me more as I then start to question what's going on. Surely, if I wanted to be a woman then I would display those characteristics all the time?

I am so drained, really. I have no idea at all about my identity and it seems to change often. After my post yesterday and the way I felt I made the decision to live everyday for the next 6 months as a woman, as Emily. It seems like I can't even get past the second day. I wish there were easy clear cut answers in life. Its so frustrating when there aren't.

Wish me luck for tomorrow then. I am dreading it. Will post an update in the evening. Still feeling so lost and confused about it all.

All the best,

'Someone' x

Simon/emily,

Good luck tomorrow with your meeting at work,i imagine it will go ok actually as you have thrown them the most curved of balls!!!,they will be extra careful not to breach the employment discrimination act.

Not surprised to read that today has been a difficult day for you,something of a comedown after yesterday i would think.I'm assuming that you are getting support from some qualified people to assist you with such a huge personal change in your life!!.Anyway,i wish you the very best for tomorrow.

Seano.

Thanks Seanostars, just getting ready to leave now. Touching up a few facial areas before I leave just for good measure!

Actually, today I feel really good. I am totally happy and fulfiled going out as Emily and I can't wait to get there and just be me. Today I feel like I know I made the right decision to be Emily on Tuesday. I can't understand how the days can be so different as yesterday I really did lose track of who I was, who I wanted to be and how I felt etc. My emotions were all over the place. I think you are right that perhaps it was a come down day after such a big day the day before, arguably the biggest day of my life.

I have seen most of my neighbours this morning when they have been driving to work and said hello. That included several who I hadn't yet told about Emily. They just smiled and said hello back. Some took a double take but in a good way! Its such a confidence booster. I realise that its little steps at a time and not trying to push it in everyone's faces, which I only do because I am so nervous anyway so I want to get it over and done with.

Arranged to meet a close friend in the afternoon. We are going shopping together (can't wait!) and particularly to Boots or similar where I can start to buy the right foundation for my skin and gradually learn how to apply my makeup and which products to use etc. You can imagine that up to this point in my life I have bought everything mostly online and just guessed at what would be right for me.

I have found everyone on here so supportive to date, thank you so much. I hope its OK to continue to talk about the changes I am going through. I know they are not necessarily gambling related but it would be special to share my journey with you. It would certainly help me a lot.

My best to you all. Have a gambling free, happy and healthy Thursday.

Emily. xx

Morning Emily,

Hope all goes well for you today, I'm sure it will. Keep posting as I for one would love to share your journey with you.

Don't let anything hold you back 🙂

Love from Jas x

PS I am in the Midlands so a bit far for a shopping trip but it's not unknown for me to travel miles to shop so get ready for me to pop in on you. xx

Hi Emily,

I am very pleased to read that the meeting was ok,and also that you are feeling a lot more comfortable with yourself today,it's good that all your neighbours are now aware of the new you!!!,i imagine that with everything happening on the gender front for you that gambling is the last thing on your mind at the moment,how have your closest family reacted,(supportively i hope ).

Seano.

Hi Jas,

I am such a compulsive shopper! I actually do think I am far worse than many women, truly. I have been out shopping every day this week including today with girl friends and every one of them has got frustrated with me because I take so long. My friend Vicky today was getting quite irate towards the end and said I was so feminine it was unbelievable! What is it with dressing up when a woman? As a man, I hated shopping. Mostly because I found the clothes, shoes and accessories so boring and limited. But as Emily, its just non stop all the time. There is so much choice for women to wear and some of the clothes and shoes especially make you feel SO s**y its unexplainable. Some of the strappy heels these days are just so gorgeous I can't find the words, and from the moment you put them on and walk in them you just feel like a complete Goddess with unlimited powers! They make you walk upright and with small steps at a time; you just feel so in control. There is a real feeling of being completely free. Sorry if this doesn't make sense to anyone but its just how I feel about it all. I honestly do feel like a model on the catwalk when I wear all these lovely shoes. I had comments from staff and customers alike throughout the day telling me that they loved my makeup and thought I walked better in heels than they did! I suppose I have been doing it since aged 9, albeit in the privacy of my own home. To do it in public is just wonderful.

Now for the serious bits though, its not all glamourous. Today has been a day with a lot of stares and several people laughing at me directly. Its been hard to take as I am very sensitive. I almost got in a fight at Bristol McDonalds today as one man was staring so much I just impulsively shouted out across the whole room, "Have you had a good stare mate or shall I come closer and you can take photos?" I then blew him a few kisses. Vicky was completely embarrassed and quickly pointed out that was a very masculine response, hardly that of a lady! She was also worried because she had her 4 year old daughter to look after so she said if anything happened she couldn't protect me as she's be worrying all the time about her daughter. Thing is, it happened so quickly you just don't know how you are going to respond, and I am sensitive and emotional enough as it is, let alone taking on more cr** from people to make me feel worse. Anyway, the first bad day I suppose. Bound to happen and I know it will happen again. Its about my confidence I guess, which maybe isn't quite enough at the moment. Still so sensitive and wanting to be accepted.

Jas, I have friends in Nottingham who I was planing on visiting soon so we could meet up their. Otherwise, you are welcome to pop over whenever you want to Bath. See simonpayne.com for my contact details. Sometime soon might be quite good if you want to make the trip because for the moment I am suspended from work so had this week off and will probably have the whole of next week too. I have taken holiday for the last week of February so tat would be a good time too.

Sean, this process seems to be so up and down all the time and I never know where I am with it. I wish so much I could either be Simon and 100% straight, Simon and 100% ***, Emily 100% straight or Emily 100% ***. I need things to be straightforward and black and white in life, I can't cope with grey areas. This whole thing is a grey area and I have no idea who I really want to be and who I really want to be with. I hate it. You are right that gambling is the last thing on my mind. Most neighbours are OK with it but a couple in their 80s in the flat above cannot come to terms with it. Before they knew we got on like a house on fire. I met the man yesterday as our cars drove past each other. He stopped me to ask me something. He then saw for the first time me as Emily. His whole body was shaking and he couldn't look at me in the face when he spoke with me. His face started shaking a lot and strong looks of disproval and obvious signs that he really couldn't understand or cope with 'what' he was looking at were evident. He was completely confused. Even though this made me feel terrible I understood it and was polite then drove off. I wrote him a letter explaining about Gender Dysphoria and said that I would hope we could still retain the excellent relationship we had before. I have had no response back. So, this whole process so far is so up and down and although I love all the shopping and the girly moments I am also making a real prat out of myself and giving people so much opportunity to have a laugh at my expense. Just got back from local Tesco a few moments ago and everyone I walked past stared. Its really hard to know where to look and what to do. People's reactions make you feel so ashamed of what you are doing. You need SO MUCH inner confidence and security to carry something like this off. I have the utmost admiration and respect for all those that do it and see it through. They are the most courageous of people. I may or may not be one of them. Only time will tell.

Well, that's a bit about today and the week so far since Tuesday at least. Talk again soon...

Emma xx

(Changed from Emily to Emma as I prefer it)

Hi Emma,

Sounds like you have had a tough day,i imagine that you will get lots of adverse reactions,and you will have to be very emotionally strong to deal with that....,i'm equally certain that more people will be positive towards you or at the very least polite,as time goes on your confidence is sure to grow,are there any forums or support groups locally or on the net you could use?,my feeling is their must be.It may be that you need to take the odd day off so to speak and be "Simon" for a day if you feel to much pressure.

Seano,

Simon/Emma

Glad that you are not gambling mate but regret that I cannot offer any advice in respect of your sexuality issues other than to say to each their own.

I think that your gambling may have been an outlet for your inner turmoil. Please carry on posting if the gambling is still a problem but I personally do not think this is the place for your sexuality conflicts to be aired. Please do not take offence, this is just a personal view. I am sure others will not know how to deal with your predicament and some others with disagree with my feelings.

All the best

Stumper

I prefer Emma 🙂

Don't let anything get in your way of making you lead a happy life.....and that includes kicking the gambling into touch.

Thinking of you....Jas xx

Thanks for all the comments guys and Stumper, I think you are probably right that this isn't really the place to air my views, much as I do need to find somewhere now to do that and to get support with that particular avenue of my life. I also think you are right that gambling was an outlet for my inner turmoil but only partly, there were other reasons as well.

I suppose on the positive side its good that gambling urges have disappeared into the background and I hope they continue to stay their. I think with all this other stuff going on they will, certainly for a while.

Nick is coming over to see me in 2 weeks time and I know he will be gambling while he's here on my PC. Its not the ideal situation I know but I am prepared for it. He will be playing the online casinos in the evenings after we have played golf during the day. He's here for 4 days, one of which I will be working if I am allowed to return to work by my employer. I should find out this week.

Thanks for your recent messages of support and Jas, I appreciate your last comments. I will do my best to be as positive as I can being Emma with regard to how I am treated in public. Last week had both ups and downs but at least I have finally done it and taken that very important next step. We'll see where the journey leads.

All the best,

Emma. x

Simon/Emma, glad to hear that the gambling urges have tended to fade away at the moment. As you say there are bigger things for you to sort through at the moment.

All the best

Stumper

Simon.just a thought,when your friend comes to stay why don't you ask him not to gamble whilst in your home or at the very least whilst you are there?....,you have enough going on at the moment in your life without the added pressure of watching another person gambling.

Seano.

Hi everyone... hoping you're all strong in recovery and life goes well. Its been far too long since my last post but the positive aspect is that I am here, posting now.

Well of course all sorts of things have gone on for me since last writing. I shared the beginnings of a new personal journey with you and that has certainly been challenging in many areas. I continue to struggle each day with my gender dysphoria, not knowing who I am and who I want to live as from day to day. Actually, I can laugh at it really, emotional as it is, but I just laugh at the whole thing about being a human being, I mean we really are such complex beings, well some of us anyway!

So, onwards and upwards. Lets bring the focus back to gambling. This is definitely an area of my life that I have to watch very carefully. Its a big chunk of my life, or has been up to this point at least. The good news is that although its been a long time since posting here I am happy to say that I haven't gone back to my old ways. I feel rather proud about this to be honest. Especially with all the personal stuff going on. Not only that but I have also been sacked from my job. I also have issues of Borderline Personality Disorder to cope with and my diet has gone to pot! I have eaten so much rubbish during the last few months and put on loads of weight, which doesn't suit me at all as I have always had a nice slim figure. Anyway, you get the picture! A lot to manage! So yes, feeling very proud that I have somehow found the strength not to play.

My best friend did come over for the weekend, 2 weeks ago now, and as usual, he did gamble online using the PC at my house. I knew he would. This is what we have always done since online gambling has been around, and before that we always played fruit machines, did ferry trips and went to casinos together. Basically we have always gambled first, then played golf or snooker (perhaps) afterwards, but the gambling was always the priority. I didn't really get tempted to play watching him but what was testing was the feeling that if he won anything decent then I know I'd be upset big time. I had to accept that if that happened well, it was tough and I'd have to deal with it. We once won £16,000 together playing 4 play power poker on a M*********g casino. That was about 5 years ago. I have never forgotten it because the very next day he was playing the same casino from his house for about half an hour in the evening and he hit a royal flush again (dealt it straight in on £20 a hand and held on 4 lines) so he ended up with a total of £16,000 and I got £8,000. I found that hard to swallow I must admit. Anyway, so all these sorts of thoughts were going through my head because while he was optimistic that he wasn't going to hit anything big, he kept saying don't worry Si the chances of that happening, forget it mate - but I kept reminding him, Nick, look how many times we have hit big wins, it does happen, so you could easily do it again tonight on your own.

It didn't happen, and he lost £400, which wasn't a bad result after 5 days of playing (he came for a long weekend) as he'd been as low as a couple of thousand down and a maximum of £130 possible profit (that's the most the casino offered him at any time in 5 days), which he never took. Up and down like a yo yo as gambling always is, so he was well pleased to be 'only' £400 down by the end of it all.

I know it might look like there was excitement for me through all this. I recognise my feelings as I type about it and think of the past amounts we won which were obviously big adrenalin rushes at the time and I suppose you'd have to say happy memories, to some extent. But don't get me wrong, I never lost sight of what gambling is really about; all the losses (that we never like to think about) and more importantly for me, where it all leads in terms of the desperate feelings after a loss and how I manage it - badly.

I should never have been in that situation in the first place, I know. I knew it before I agreed to it, I knew it during his stay and I know it now after his stay. I can only be honest and say that a small part of me wanted to watch him, without risking and wagering any money myself. Right or wrong that's what I was doing. I am not angry or upset with myself though and I have no regrets. I know that in another way it also helped me to stay stopped because I saw how it played, the usual patterns (when it pays out x amount it then goes on a massive take, regardless of what game you play, makes no difference) so I saw all the same old patterns that I have seen over the last 10 years. Nick lost as we both knew he would and it really wasn't a bad experience for me I don't feel.

I am more encouraged in thinking that because of the counsellor I have been seeing through Gamcare. I had my 6th session with her on Monday just gone and we have identified a lot about my gambling and how I can change it by putting certain boundaries in place that I haven't done before. I am starting to see gambling and the reasons I gambled differently now. We are not taking a total abstinence view on it, as GA does. I am seeing it as a choice now, but funnily enough I don't want to play anyway. I am very happy being stopped and not having all the negative stuff to deal with when I do play. I don't miss it. Again, I think seeing Nick losing was a bit of a refresher course as to what its all about. Anyway, we are all different and what's working for me in my own way is working and I am grateful for that every day. I am going to sign off now and go back to my first post to have a good read through several times. I want to remind myself of the state I was in when I came here in January. Its far to easy to get complacent and I don't want to feel like testing the water again. I am just not interested.

I am glad to have posted and I do genuinely hope everyone is in a good place and has some kind of balance in their lives.

Best wishes from me,

Simon.

Just another quick post before bed. I have just read my original post, as I said I would. I am really glad I did. It has made me think about a lot of things. Amazing, the power of words. I realise just how much of a temptation I put myself in 2 weeks ago with my friend. I realise that I have lost sight quite a lot already of how bad gambling got for me, its almost like a certain amount of time has passed and now that things are better I want to forget about the gambling past. NO. I must never forget. Nick won't be coming over for a good while now, that's a good thing. When he does next come, I need to make sure I have got Gamblock or Betfilter installed.

Night everyone. Be strong.

Simon.

simon. . You saw the temptation but did nt take it up.alright maybe you should nt even been near that kind of environment but THE BEST THING IS YOU DIDNT GAMBLE MATE. . Well done now thats progress 🙂