My Recovery Diary

I'll drink to that Simon.

Sometimes I have blasted off at an organisation for their rubbish service. Do not think it had any effect on them but boy did it make me feel better.

Any type of character trait can be good or bad depending on how you look at it and who is doing the looking. There are billions of us on this earth and if even a few of us were clones of each other it would make for a boring place.

Just because we feel different at times does not mean that is bad as actually we are different anyway!!!

Always nice to hear from a fellow human.

All the best

Stumper

One of the biggest problems I find having lost at gambling is coming to terms with those losses. £750 lost in 2 days just last week and £1,850 lost in January in a couple of days then. I don't even want to think about all the times before that. The cumulative debt is absolutely massive. I don't even know how I got access to so much money in the first place.

I have to come to terms with it, of course, I cannot change the past. But is there an easier way to accept these losses? There probably isn't but I thought I'd post the question anyway. How do others deal with it? I feel like my own feelings of resentment, remorse and anger are eating me from the inside out, that's the only way I can describe it.

I have just got out of the shower and looking through my wardrobe I realised I have hardly anything that fits anymore so I need to get some new clothes. Problem is the immediate thought that comes to me is that if I hadn't have done what I did last week then I could have spent up to £750 on clothes this weekend. When I go shopping to Tesco and for petrol I feel the same. In fact, whenever I need to spend money these thoughts are their.

Is it just a case of going through this no matter how hard and trying as best I can to see the light at the end of the tunnel?

I broke down last week and told my Mum what I had done. She is 73 years old. Why did I put her through it? I have hurt her so many times in my life because of gambling and I am still doing it. She had given me £1,000 the week before to help me out because I couldn't meet my mortgage or bill payments. I go and gamble it. She breaks down too, but not because I had hurt her; because she had no more money to help me get unstuck ... 'AGAIN.' We had a heart to heart the day before I left to drive back to Bath. I said I couldn't understand how she had never given up on me and still loves me through all my faults. Honestly, I have let her down time and time again yet she can't ever see any wrong in me. She loves me so much.

Not sure where I am going with all this, just wanted to write something down before going out for the afternoon. I am going to hit some golf balls at the local course.

Simon.letting go of our losses is very hard to do.....,hence when in gambling mode we all chase them.If you have read my diary you will see how much money i squandered when gambling on a fulltime basis,believe me Simon letting go of the losses and the thoughts i've had about them has been very difficult for me,it is something i still think about more often than i would like to.If like me you are now counting every penny and struggling to pay your bills it can make you feel very downhearted,coupled with the fact that i'm now doing a job that is slowly killing my brainstem i often feel frustrated and angry.You are in good company on this forum Simon :).I hope your life takes a turn for the better soon .

Seano.

Gambling really does take the biscuit. Just gone through my online bank accounts trying to work out what I owe on which account and what payments need to be made first etc. None of this bother would have come around before Easter; I was on top of it all and well in credit.

I am OK, just having a moan and reminding myself what gambling brings.

Joined a golf club on Sunday just gone. Got a superb rate of £40 membership because its affiliated with a gymnasium I am already a full member of, so golf is very cheap. Only a 9 hole course but very difficult so scoring well round there will mean my game will be excellent when I play other courses, at least it should be! Its a positive step that I have taken to actually join somewhere in the first place. Had a round tonight with a member I swapped numbers with on Sunday and we had a nice evening. Guess I am trying to fill the gaps with stuff to do so I am not left bored.

Wanted to install Betfilter or Gamblock on my Mac but neither of them are compatable so there goes that one out the window. I guess stopping gambling is about my own determination because there is no 100% solution.

Hope everyone else is OK. Reading your diary at the moment sean.

Cheers,

Si.

Well done on starting the golf mate and even better that you have played with somebody who is new to you. This should help improve your circle of friends greatly over a period of time and more than likely most of them will have no interest in gambling. This should open many new doors and improve your social life tremendously. I think this is a giant leap forward mate.

Over the years I have played cricket--42nd season this year--I have played for a good few clubs in the Midlands and the North of England. I have made many friends and acquaitances over the years and I cannot recall more than a handful who have ever had any interest in gambling yet this has not stopped me having a great social time with many of them.

Nearly forgot--glad to see you have resisted any urge to bet and whilst you are having problems installing blocks, remember that the blocks do not stop you from wanting to gamble--only you can do that.

All the best

Stumper

hello simon

this is a constant slog isn't it? just when we are making some progress, we take a wrong turn which leads to a downwards spiral until we hit rock-bottom. and from those depths we begin to rise again. i think that it is easier for us to look at things day by day rather than too far ahead. i think your golf is a good idea. i have been going to the gym regularly and am feeling some benefits, some even think i look slimmer as a result. filling the void with positive preoccupations can only benefit us surely.

good luck and keep posting

g

Hello to you all. Thanks for the comments 28. I keep meaning to go to the gym and get into a routine. I am pretty sure I'll be doing it by the beginning of next week once this weekend is out of the way. Got my friend driving up from London to play golf all weekend. The friend is Nick. Here we go again ... yes, Nick my gambling buddy. There won't be any gambling this weekend at all though and that's for sure. I feel very strong at the moment due to a number of reasons including my own determination, good counselling advice, friends, a new possible job opportunity and a new girlfriend, the latter of which I am doing my best not to sabotage, because that's what I always do when things start to look up. I am aware of this pattern of behaviour now and trying hard to rewrite the script.

Need to get into a habit of checking in more regularly. My best to you all.

Simon.

Great to see things looking good at the moment Simon.

Remember to work hard at keeping it that way and if Nick wants to gamble this weekend I would ask him to leave straight away as if he does he could undermine all your recent efforts.

Good luck for the weekend--let us know how it goes

All the best

Stumper

Cheers Stumper. Your comments have been carefully noted, thanks. I don't think I would ask him to leave immediately as he's driven 150 miles to see me but fear not I am so strong at the moment. I know that we will not be gambling, simple as that.

Hope you have a good weekend. Not sure what you have got planned, I will try to catch up with your dairy a little more over the weekend. Enjoy it either way. Lovely weather and definitly not a time to be spent indoors.

Been very hyperactive today and that is down to a terrible diet with so much sugar and junk food. As I said yesterday I am aiming to get down to the gym Tuesday onwards, once Nick has left on the Monday. I need to get back into a healthy routine that I had last year. I lost 4 stone last year and have put 5 back on. So disheartening when I consider how much work it was to get it off in the first place.

Hope everyone else is doing OK. Best wishes...

How did the non-gambling weekend go mate.

Stumper

Hi Stumper, thanks for asking about the weekend. Actually it didn't go as well as planned, which was a genuine surprise for me as we were both so intent on not gambling this time round. As it happens, I didn't gamble but Nick did and he lost £1,100 at my place on an online casino. I wasn't much better really because I let him use my credit cards to gamble on since his were being rejected, he then gave me the cash before he left for home.

Other things have happened over this weekend, yesterday and Friday particularly, that have been very difficult me. They concern the Polish woman I met a while ago. I think it was evident from the beginning that we weren't going to hit it off romantically as we didn't really have a lot in common. Things I liked, she didn't and although she is a very attractive woman there just wasn't a spark there for me. However, I would have hoped that we could have been good friends at least. In true form though, I totally destroyed all chances of that by my behaviour towards her. The details aren't necessary and it upsets me to thing about them but I realise now that if I don't get some serious help I am going to be alone for the rest of my life with drink and gambling being the only two friends I will turn to for comfort and companionship. How sad. I want to make some serious changes in my life but I don't know where to begin.

I had a father who was a very cruel person. He would say the most hurtful things to people, especially his wife and children. As a child I was so scared of him and could never understand why he had so much hate in his heart. I vowed I would never be anything like him in life. As the years have gone by I have become the very person I hated - my father. I cannot explain this, especially since I have been so aware of it and tried desperately to stop it emerging. I now hate myself for being like him.

When people want to show me love and care for me I hurt them as much as I can and set out to destroy them. I am not satisfied (I almost wrote happy) until they are in floods of tears and I have made them feel worthless - as Dad did to me. I am a bully. The polish woman is a kind hearted woman with a lovely genuine soul who only ever wanted to love me and tried to help me get better. I stopped her at every attempt in the most horrible of ways.

I know that gambling can often be an escape for people with other problems. If anyone reading my post can identify with the things I have said and can offer any kind of help or advice then please do because I feel I am at breaking point these days. I have been finding it so hard to cope with being like this and having tried lots of counselling I don't know where to turn next. Times like this are when I inevitably go back to gambling because I think well what else is there for me? That's all I am worth.

Can anyone offer any practical and constructive advice?

Simon--the only thing that surprised me about your weekend gambling was that you only let your friend borrow your money and did not lose it yourself.

It seems that your Father was an ogre to you and although you say that you are now like him it appears from what you say that discipline was high on his agenda whereas you seem to have little discipline in your own life at all.

It appears you struggle to hold down jobs, you cannot come to terms with your sexuality, you struggle with relationships, you seem to have little tolerance for others mistakes yet continue to make the same ones over and over again yourself, you reject help and advice yet still ask for it and then you wonder why you are at breaking point.

Without wishing to sound too harsh mate just what are you looking for someone to advise you??

Have you not yet opened your eyes to see that only YOU can provide the answers that you seek--somewhere inside that seemingly thick skull of yours lies the answer.

The only things I can suggest now are firstly stop worrying about the past and looking to blame your family. What is done is done and what is gone is gone--move on mate-you have to.

Secondly your 'friend' Nick is anything but Simon--you do not need him in your life it is as plain as the nose on your face he is not helping your gambling frame of mind and this is having a knock on effect on the rest of your life.

I cannot think of anything else to say to you but as always I wish you well and hope that you can wake up and smell the roses soon.

Stumper

It went wrong but I am determined to put it right. I know what I have to do and support is available should I need it. Just for today I will not gamble.

Simon.

From one Simon to another, what went wrong? It must make thinks even more difficult when you have gambling friends, its hard enough when your gambling alone.

I'm sure you can overcome this with the right blocks in place and support on here.

Simon (skint)

No bet since December. Enjoyed a really good 4 months without much thought about gambling until very recently. Drove down from Bath to Surrey to visit my Mum and it has all kicked off again. Been gambling pretty much non-stop on the online casinos for the last couple of days and needlessly chucked away £1,550. It was hard to stop there because I was in a dream world and a lost soul who couldn't give a d**n, but somehow I did, thank goodness.

Its difficult to know what to say because I have been sat in this chair at this time of night following a loss typing all this stuff in before, yet here I go doing it all again. Why? How much more can I keep doing this to myself without total mental collapse? I am 42 this year. How ridiculous after all these years to still be involved in this activity. Self pity I know, but I need to type it and read it back to myself at this moment anyway.

To think what I have lost through gambling since a young boy yet I still get drawn to it. What is its power? Is it my boredom? The adrenalin rush perhaps? Something else? I think its mostly boredom personally. Its certainly not about winning money. Maybe I like losing?

Anyway, is knowing why important? Have come on here and looked up my old diary and got typing again. I won't be able to sleep after tonight, never can, so nothing else to do other than drown in self pity. What a pathetic existence, really.