My recovery diary (JENILEE)

Well now time to get back and get on track with my goal of gambling only once a week at Cetera and working on other bills and goals. I had a major problem upon returning to my house, broken pipe so I now have an unexpected plumbing bill around $300 so that sucks. But they agreed to bill me to give me 30 days to pay it. And they actually fixed the problem which led to the broken pipe so it shouldn't happen again. Went gambling last night with my mother and I didn't have much free play where we went so I was playing real money, and I was at risk for spending too much /was down quite a bit but then I won it all back ; after that was cautious /played very little because I was lucky to win it back and didn't want to spend it all back and get back into a hole. So I slowed right down on my gambling as waited for my mother and left actually about 30 -$40 a head. But it bothers me that I let myself spend so much before that win it was more than I ideally would have liked to, so I need to work on that next. Missing my honey know that he's back @ North Dakota working and I'm back here, also missing the warmth of Florida LOL as it's -12 -20° here very very cold. And especially when I was dealing with the froze and burst water pipe. Getting back into the swing of things @ work is very busy too, I am behind from taking my trip so when I'm there it is just frantic trying to catch up. But we have to enjoy the hectic times in life not just the good LOL

Thank u ! I am excited to be engaged and move forward with my life!

Hi Jen,

Thank you for your message this morning, and many congratulations on your engagement. It must be tough being so far away from someone you want to spend your life with.

We all do our recoveries in our own way, now for me I have to completely abstain, I have tried your method about 3 years ago and it did not work for me, mind you relationships never worked either unless they were there at hand, too lol.

I have followed your diary with much interest, even though I have never commented before, but I have read everyone of your posts.

I really admire you with your drinking, your gambling, and your relationship and how you are dealing with all 3.

You are on another level to me, and you are making it work for you at this time. I wished I had your control and confidence within myself like you are striving for/ and most certainly have at this time.

You are an amazing strong lady, (because I know its tough) and you are doing it your way, and I think thst takes a lot of courage, because you are striving to not let any addiction control you.

We are 2 opposites in every way with how we deal with our addiction, but I am walking along side with you, because I want you to win your way ( if that makes sense)

You are keeping afloat so to speak, and what more can we do to ourselves. apart from being totally content with ourselves.

Take care Jen and I hope you realise soon, there is no control with gambling, it's always waiting to suck you dry. But I understand why you are doing it this way, but it is different to other addictions,

Take care stay safe and I will be supporting you, why because you are an amazing lady.

Suzanne xx

Thank you for saying I am amazing... I don't consider myself that way, just struggling to control my own life and achieve my goals like everyone else.

🙂

Busy stressful week upon return from vacation ...hv to be careful I don't get tempted to do extra gambling. Stress can do that...

Hi Jen,

Gambling because we are stressed is a biggie, which is a joke because we then end up even more stressed lol.

Try and stay focused( even under stress) what you want to achieve for yourself each day, and stay string and positive.

Work might not be a stressful as you think.

Suzanne xx

I agree, Suzanne, and, although it's a bummer to be back off vacation and away from my honey and away from the warm weather, and to be back where it's cold and He is several states away and I have work and household stresses and plenty of chores to do, I just need to focus on the couple of things that need to be done each day deal with them and then focus each day on what needs to be done the next day and just take it one day at a time hopefully winter will soon be over in a few weeks LOL. I hate winter! And hopefully in another month or so my honey we'll get a chance to come home for a visit. I just need to focus on the fact that I'm newly engaged. And bask in the memory of that, and the times we had in Florida, and the fact that I have goals for my life and my marriage coming up. And that excessive gambling could definitely derail all of that. Work will always be stressful, I don't know how to explain it, I've been there six years and I have an extremely stressful job, and likely it will not change any time soon. Or it would have by now. But at the end of the day the evenings and weekends are mine and when I'm not at work I try not to let it stress me out except for when I'm physically there. I have a demanding boss who is very hard to please and fires people on a whim and makes people constantly feel like they're going to be fired. Including me. And the workload it's just unreal, the amount of work they expect you to get done, it would take two or three people to do what they want, so you're always trying to meet the impossible, but sometimes I surprise myself and get it done! Those are the good days when I'm proud of myself, even though the boss doesn't really acknowledge it, I know that at times I can really meet impossible goals and that makes me feel good. I love my patients, I work in healthcare, so I focus on the fact that I love helping my patients and that I'm doing the best I can, and I try not to worry about the day that she will probably fire me.

Hi again Jen

You are under a lot of pressure in a lot of areas in your life, and I do think you are a very strong lady.(ok I won't say amazing anymore lol)

Some good positives I have read in your last 2 posts,

1 you are very aware that stress can/may cause a problem

2 You love your job albeit very stressful, if you are like me you can't be bored with anything lol.

I was made redundant last November and my job was also very stressful, I possible deadlines, dealing with the public, managing around 70 staff, etc, but I hated my job at the end, not the stress bit, I just did not enjoy doing what I was doing and I felt very trapped, not something I have ever been good at.

But you like your job, so that's good, you love your fiancГ© that's good, and you are dealing and understanding your gambling issue,

Even so I feel for you with all these different areas not totally in the place you want them

I hope you have a good and hopefully stressfree day at work, stay positive and safe.

Suzanne xx

.

My life is busy with a "full plate" all of the time! But brighter lately/more hopeful/ more positive. I'm coping.

Hi Jen,

Thank you for your kind and caring post. Things will get better, sometimes everything seems in one place and too much to handle but we need to keep moving forward and deal with things. Surprisingly many of them dissapears soon enough and we see ourselves on the other side.
I am really happy for you and you've just summed it up - life is more hopeful, happier and positive...this is amazing to see, you're on the right track.

Stay safe and in control

Sandra x

Okay guys I have to admit it I had a relapse of old behavior tonight. It's hard for me to explain since I do allow myself to gamble but this was an unplanned gamble with some extra money I had it won't affect my bills but now I'm mad that I spend the extra money on gambling so carelessly I could've used it for other things to pay even extra on bills, or even to buy myself some other kind of a treat, besides just wasting it, or I could have put it towards an extra visit to go see my significant other in North Dakota. Kicking myself right now feeling like hell. Even in the quest to control my gambling versus stopping I guess relapses are part of it I've been pretty control lately so I need to watch out for this on uncontrolled behavior. evaluate why it happen, and address the reasons why it happened. I think it was just being complacent and not thinking ahead enough what I can do when I occasionally do have extra money. So I ended up wasting it, now in hindsight I can think of a lot of things I could've done with it. I see gambling as a treat and stress reliever, but I need to spend more time thinking about other ways to treat myself and have stress relief instead of gambling extra times.

Sorry to read that Jen, but at least you recognised it xx

Now I think I will cancel my normal weekly gambling day next weekend to make up for some of the money I spent this week I think I should skip a time. So I am going to make it a goal here in the next couple of days to make some other plans for the weekend to have some things to do or friends to hang out with to keep myself busy. Because when I am not busy I am more likely to gamble.

Don't be too hard on yourself Jen. Learn from this and build that wall again. You will find that balance you're looking for.
Look how well you are doing with controlled drink..the same can go for this habit, just keep focused on your goals.

Yes, I agree SAndra. I need to be more mindful of my choices, thinking the urges through and not just following them in autopilot mode.