My recovery diary (JENILEE)

Bulls eye!!!!! Keep up at this mindset..ride the storms out!
You are doing well

I know, I just feel bummed out, depressed, that i gave in. And about the $ I wasted.

Kind of in that self-hatred face you get in right afterwards. I know some others you'll know what I mean. It will pass. I need to try to turn it around into productive thoughts of how to move forward and make sure I don't do the same thing. The self-hatred always passes it's a strong right now

Hi Jen,

Thanks for your lovely message.

It will pass, stay strong and keep moving forwards and upwards.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Thank you For the encouragement Suzanne. The first day to couple of days after I goof up on something gambling life is always the hardest for me. Like most people, I tend to beat up on myself pretty badly and feel like a worthless person and a failure. I'm trying to focus on other things take it one day at a time and just make sure I don't get the urge to chase or given to the urge to chase those losses. I'm at work right now and I'm very busy at work so while I'm here at work, it's hurting me to think about it . Was sick last week during my vacation for about one and a half days and I've been tired ever sense though I think the tiredness and wanting to go home and go to bed right after work might be depression from the gambling to?

Personally I think the tiredness I am experiencing is one part physical from being ill and one part depression. I have gotten this feeling when depressed before. As if I can barely drag myself through the day and the tasks at hand. Which is a problem since I've got a very very busy life. And a lot of responsibilities resting on Me, and I can't slack off too much because will cause more problems and I Will get really behind on my responsibilities. I'm going to try to go to bed for the next couple early next couple nights as I have to get up early the next couple of days to ensure I get eight hours sleep and see if that helps. And the depression over the recent gambling will hopefully lessen a little day by day

Hi Jen,

Thanks for touching the base and sorry to read you feel a little under the weather and low yourself. I completely agree that tiredness, work load and stress is not so good combination for our wellbeings. Rational thinking can go out of the window when we feel under this pile of bricks and not so wise decisions can come into the forefront of our minds.
You are right in saying that at least 8hrs sleep is essential for every human being. Resting body and emotional side can set us off for more positive day ahead.
Don't forget that those low feelings always passes and we need to acknowledge that every day is different. Setting ourselves targets how to treat ourselves better is part of life. Esp where in this day and age everything is a little too stressful and too much. You need to put yourself first, forgive your past mistakes and move on. Every new day is brand new white sheet to fill it in with more brighter colours 🙂
Things will get better...it starts from within.
Look after yourself

Sandra x

I agree with all you said, I just can't wait till I reach the point where I'm focused on the new day ahead, not the recent mistake . Right now I just keep thinking about last nite and money spent.

Congratulations on your engagement :-)))))))))

Gambling as we all know controlled or not is a very slippery slope.

Get on your snow shoes..... as don't let it ruin your pending happiness...

(as for the job - if your handling what it sounds like your handling from your posts...then your boss is lucky to have you and at the end of the day those skills could be utilised in another work place and be more appreciated - there would be many places less stressful and give a better work/life balance.......after all we only have the life we have so why be drained with stress if you can change that when a good opportunity arises .....goodluck in whatever you decide x)

Hi Jenilee, thanks for dropping by 🙂

Sorry to hear you gambled outside your plans! I maintain what I said early on that even though it may seem like you have to carry on gambling, you may surprise yourself if you give abstaining a go! Maybe as you say, sort plans out & don't gamble on the next planned day as you did it out if turn! That way you know there was some recourse for your 'slip' & maybe this will help you let go of the mistake & move forwards!

I am going to be taking a break from posting for a while so don't be alarmed that I have abandoned you! You have your whole futures ahead of you & a wedding to plan to keep you busy! Keep working things through & stay strong - ODAAT

Thanks all of you for the support of responses. I guess you can tell by my post, I am feeling a bit raw emotionally today. It's probably not just the gambling slip though I never feel good when I get out of control like my old ways. I feel much better when I'm much more controlled like I have been for the last several months now. I have a lot going on. I am missing my significant other since I return from Florida. It was exciting to get engaged but I think I have kind of a letdown feeling now because I don't know when I'll get to see him again. Work just is so so stressful. And I return to hard winter here in Michigan, and I hate winter and it's just been brutal the weather so going from Florida weather to this has been tough. Think I'm struggling with a little bit of winter depression. I think last night slip was trying to escape from the stress and the problems of reality that I return to. Including the frozen and broken pipe I had in my garage right upon my return and the fact that I had to deal with all of that mess and expense. Just, since I return from Florida, I haven't felt that great and I've been dealing with the very UN- fun parts of reality, LoL. I just have to realize things always get better and we can't be on vacation all the time , and sooner or later I'll see my fiancГ© again, even though we don't know the date right now because his truck has broken down and needs a major repair we cant afford. And sooner or later spring will come at Cetera. I just need to get my positive mojo back LOL

Okay so I need to ramble and hear some more tonight because I'm kind of having an emotional day and posting on here helps. As life would have it it's not always just one stress or problems or things bring you down but multiple as we've talked about on this thread. Tonight it is my significant other. I'm not really sure what's going on, I'm not implying that he's cheating or anything like that, but he didn't call when he was supposed to. Sometimes this can be as simple as he fell asleep early this does occasionalky happen, not all the time, or it could be he had a relapse of his own and went to the bar or casino which are his weaknesses. Anyway I am letting it get me really beside myself and I fired off some texts when my attempts to call him didn't work telling him w*f are you at the bar you didn't call when you said you would and makes me feel sad I was looking forward to your call. Now I feel the text were strongly worded if I was in his shoes during those same words wouldn't help me if I was having a relapse. I don't want to coddle him if it is a drinking thing but on the other hand is an addict I should know a better way to talk to fellow addict. Oh well I can't take the text back now my final text just was the one that said I was hurt because I was looking forward to our call. Either way I don't think I should let it upset me anymore than I already a.m. I'm already upset recovering from my relapse. I just feel like I should just go to sleep I don't expect to hear from him tonight whether he fell asleep early which is a deep sleeper or whether he did have a relapse of his own and go to the bar, either way I have to have more power to control my own emotions. The problem is, they were already a little up-and-down from the relapse of mine last night. I certainly hope I feel more emotionally stable tomorrow.

By the way I love him and am in no way trying to throw him under the bus by this post, I'm just being honest like we always are on here. He and I are two imperfect people but we love each other. Obviously, since he just proposed to me and we got engaged!

Good morning all I don't know yet if I feel more stable today emotionally or not I just got up LOL my significant other texted me back late last night after I was asleep and said his phone died and that he's just tired of being out there and being alone and he misses and loves me. It might be my emotional state lately but I feel suspicious that is lying to me. Not about a girl or cheating or anything like that, but I think he was at the bar I don't know why think that. I think he hides it from me because he knows I am onto his tendency to drink too much. But I'm I had I think Jennifer even if he is you have no right to judge him as you gamble too much. I don't know I don't want to fight with them but to be honest I'm still irritated with him. If he said his phone died even if that is true he could've plugged it in for a little while and it would've been charged up enough to call me. Right now it might be my emotional state but I feel like if you really want to call me last night he could have. And I'm ready to fire off a text or call him and tell him that, but sometimes I am told by people like my sister and him that I overreact and with that be overreacting? Think I'll just wait and not do anything right now because I'm not sure if I would be overreacting or not. Sometimes I can be unreasonable. It's not as if I want to fight with him. But sometimes things P****d me off.

Well be in a bad tempered woman, I did send him a text I want to know if you guys think it sounds respectful I wanted to make my point of frustration yet I love him I don't want to start a fight that last days and days or make threats that are final I just wanted to get my point across so here's what I sent him;

I'm tired of it too(being here and being alone and you being there and being alone).That's why it is important to me to talk to you. Do you realize that, since you went back donot text me good morning at all except once, when you call me it's late at night after you do everything else when you're tired and barely want to talk, on your day off I tell you will I be able to reach you say yes and then I can't for hours and hours cause you lent your phone to someone who lost it , And yesterday you didn't call me at all after we specifically discussed you would call me at 7:30 my time. Also do you realize when your phone dies you only need to plug it in for a very short time before it will charge up enough that you could make a phone call then you can plug it in to finish charting afterwords. You don't have to wait tell it's 100% charged before making a phone call. Just saying. Do you understand when reading it from my perspective why I might be a bit Frustrated. ?! I hope we both have a good day. I don't need anymore stress in my life work is crazy and I just got done dealing with broken pipes and having to buy propane and everything here so my life is no cakewalk either. I hope we both have a good day I know I need one