Good work.
It is crazy when you look back. I spent a lot this weekend at a friends wedding (hotels, gifts, drinks, transport). Probably £500 all in. Now, I say I spent a lot, but I’d have lost that in one bet, one spin or one hand in the past.
This weekend has given me memories forever. Be really proud of the choice you’ve made and never go back to feeling dreadful as a result of your actions again.
29/05/19
So today has been a good day. I took my kids and also my friends son out to the cinema. For once I could buy them all the popcorn and sweets their hearts desired because I had some cash rather than being penniless and making some excuses about why I couldn’t afford it. I have thought about gambling, it’s always in the back of my mind thinking what if I just won once more and paid some debt off. But I know I may well win and then I will sit there like a robot pressing that spin button like a mindless zombie until it’s all gone. I get payed on Friday from my full time job, and this will be the biggest test. My money will literally go on bills, rent, and paying my debts. I will have nothing left after that, but I want one month where I haven’t got to ask to borrow rent money from my mum or dad, and then being terrified I can’t pay them back! I am self excluded everywhere and on Gamstop so I can not physically bet now anyway. I have never and would never walk into an actual casino so that doesn’t worry me. I have sat up for hours before trawling the net for any dodgy blacklisted casino I could find and sign up to, but somehow I feel different this time. I know when I get payed what I have to do to not being able to gamble, and I know that if I make it past this month then I am on a roll. The pride I will feel if I can do it this one month will spur me on. The fact this is the first half term my kids have had where I have actually had money has been a huge wake up call. Enjoying treating them, and being able to take them everywhere they deserve has been an incredible feeling. It makes me wonder why this hasn’t stopped me before, I feel incredibly guilty all the time that they are my world and heart but I couldn’t stop before even for people as precious as them. That’s the evil of addiction I suppose. Everyone reaches a limit, and my soul is so destroyed I know the only way I can go is up.
Today has been the day from hell after my relapse 6 days ago. I am not sleeping, my head is pounding, and I could bang my head against a wall for losing my rent money yet again!!
Although I went to work in a total daze today, feeling like a zombie, panicked at the thought of what I am going to do the rest of the month for money I am looking forward to my counselling. I am still determined to beat this! Usually I will give up and feel life is hopeless so I may as well just carry on gambling, but not this time. I’m actually annoyed with it. The anger I feel towards gambling and what it’s done to me makes me want to treat it like the monster in the corner and fight my fears to take away is power. As I write this 3 gambling adverts have come onto the TV. I feel like hurling a brick at it! I know lots of people agree many can gamble responsibly, so it is us that must change our mindset rather than gambling adverts being cut down. I don’t believe this. There are not numerous adverts for alcohol and not adverts for drugs or cigarettes plastered everywhere. Some people can smoke, drink, or take drugs in ‘moderation’ it doesn’t make it any less dangerous. Gambling advertising is everywhere, and there is no need for the quantity. Gambling addiction is just as detrimental to health as substances in many ways, as I have found out with my health issues, which have been brought on by stress from gambling. A clever forum member on a previous post hit the nail on the head for me saying gambling is a form of self harm for some people. I believe very much this is what it is for me. It’s like my wages burn a hole in my pocket and I must get rid of my money ASAP to make myself feel that empty, worthless, hopeless feeling. It’s like I feel I deserve to feel that way. Perhaps making myself feel these impossibly distressing feelings is a way to cover up and hide what’s really going on and acts as a distraction for me dealing with my real issues and emotions. Whatever it is I am still determined to fight with every ounce of my being to beat this.
So this weekend has been hard. I have been working my second job from home very hard and feel I have lost time with my Husband and kids, but I need to get out of the financial mess I am in. Gambling entered my mind but so far I haven’t tried to act on anything. Panicking where I am going to get my rent money from and the thought of asking family again (although I have always paid every penny back) makes me feel physically sick. I think paying my debts will be a lengthy reminder of what I have done in terms of my gambling. A straight sharp shock of a reminder. I can’t believe how unwell gambling has made me physically either. Tonight I should have been out for a friends birthday surprise, but finances are yet again holding me back. I keep thinking though as long as I keep focused and keep working hard the debts will come, as long as I stay away from the gambling urges. I honestly couldn’t gamble even if I wanted to! I’m glad of this it does make me feel safe in lots of ways. I cringe every time I see my credit report and my bank must think I’m a crazy lady. Anyway the money is gone, I know that and although I am annoyed at this hole I am in I am always thankful for the safety and health of my family and my children. That’s the most important blessing. My youngest son is nearly 7 and I have been gambling since he was 2. I am honestly heartbroken sometimes that I have been gambling most of his life, and what time I have wasted. You can’t go back in time this is one thing I have to make peace with right now.
Hi,
Well done on choosing life and attempting to beat this demon.
I can relate so strongly to everything you say. My child is also 6, and look back and think I have been gambling on and off since she was born, relapse after relapse.
When we think of gambling we must think of time, time is precious. The money is an irrelevance really, it causes us pain and feelings of failure....but no amount of money can replace time.
I speak from experience that we can win and spend hours collecting money, only to lose it all in a few mins and then some. We only lose time if we place the first bet or spin.
You can beat this, your time is worth more than anything, if you get an urge maybe just take little one out and do something productive with the money you may have gambled and invest it in memories....
You can absolutely do this!
Hi,
Well done on choosing life and attempting to beat this demon.
I can relate so strongly to everything you say. My child is also 6, and look back and think I have been gambling on and off since she was born, relapse after relapse.
When we think of gambling we must think of time, time is precious. The money is an irrelevance really, it causes us pain and feelings of failure....but no amount of money can replace time.
I speak from experience that we can win and spend hours collecting money, only to lose it all in a few mins and then some. We only lose time if we place the first bet or spin.
You can beat this, your time is worth more than anything, if you get an urge maybe just take little one out and do something productive with the money you may have gambled and invest it in memories....
You can absolutely do this!
Thank you, I really appreciate your reply. It always surprises me as I only use my diary to vent so I am always honoured when someone posts.
My eldest son is 10 so I will always have the guilty with my youngest , although I have spent a lot of time with him in many ways, I still could kick myself about all the extra time I could have spend with both of them.
Although I’m up s**t creek financially I have accepted the money has gone. It still annoys the hell out of me, but I know I need to let it go.
The other thing that I find very hard to accept though is that I have always been fiercely independent. It’s only since gambling killed my finances that I have had to borrow money off of my parents (who are separated) . I have always paid them back every penny, but the fact I moved out at 19 with my now husband and supported myself all of those years really kills me. I am asking them now at 35! and I have a good full time job, and also now a job from home on top. It’s my pride that feels the most hurt here.
I really want to do this. Wishing you luck with your recovery too.
You must truly accept the money is gone.
It's your trigger, let it go.Draw up a plan , creditors must leave you with money to live off. Stop chasing the losses and the dream.
I'm on a 4 year mission.im in debt but I have a good job and a plan I'm 91 days into it...it will take 1,500 to be debt free, so its daunting but I'm going for it.
Accept it's gone.deal with it and you will realise how calmer life can be.
Keep going
You must truly accept the money is gone.
It's your trigger, let it go.Draw up a plan , creditors must leave you with money to live off. Stop chasing the losses and the dream.
I'm on a 4 year mission.im in debt but I have a good job and a plan I'm 91 days into it...it will take 1,500 to be debt free, so its daunting but I'm going for it.
Accept it's gone.deal with it and you will realise how calmer life can be.
Keep going
Yes I know thank you. I am already signed up to Payplan and they have been great. This covers most of my debts. But I still have a guarantor loan and logbook Loan which c*****e me each month. I have never and never will miss a payment on either due to the consequences, especially for my guarantor. I know this will take 6 years or more to clear and I’m ready for the long haul I just get so upset that I’ve ruined my chances of ever buying a house. My credit rating was excellent before all of this. But I cannot go back in time, I can only try and put the wrongs right moving forwards. Thank you for your reply
Today is not a good day. I have been in a daze for the last two days wanting to run away and hide in a hole for a year. My family have now for the 4th time given me money to pay my rent and bills after the relapse nearly 2 weeks ago. I will like always pay them back every penny, but this time my pride feels hurt beyond repair. I was someone who hated even borrowing £1 in the past, I didn't need anyone to support me I was independent. Now I feel I’ve let this all be taken away from me. I have said to myself today I will not gamble. And this money I have borrowed this week will be the last time I ever borrow from my family. The last two weeks I’ve been plunged into depths of despair I never knew existed. I have always felt like I wanted to stop gambling but people always said you need to get to rock bottom first. I have found that bottom. In a way I am glad because the only way is up, I just have such a deep sense of hate for myself right now, and although I don’t want to gamble, all my positive feelings about sorting out the future seem like they are never going to be within reach. No light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose this is just a state of mind at the moment and hope I push on through.
And Breeeeeeeath 🙂 .
I guess " Hiding in a hole " is akin to me wanting to stay under the duvet for the first couple of week's of my final act of destruction , on which day's I would literally have to drag myself out of bed because of the effort involved in facing up to what I'd done .
In fact the only "light at the end of the tunnel " for me was when someone appeared with a torch bringing me something else to deal with 🙁 , all that being said it still did get better as the day's progressed by ticking thing's of my to do list although some day's did indeed feel like " Wading through treacle" .
As a Compulsive gambler my pride also took a dent , I'd managed for so many years to juggle and cope with whatever needed doing and paying for but ultimately when it all came crashing down I was left with a mountain of debt to which I had openly to admit to my closest .
Sometimes by the very nature of what we've done bring's us crashing back to earth with a bump and that jolt really hurt's , however the pain goes and the bruises fade until there not so visible anymore anda " Normal" life begins to take over once again :).
This is a " Temporary state " your going through and nothing's forever just keep on keeping on until you get there .
Ps and don't forget to breath 🙂
Lol thanks Alan. Reading my post back and what you said actually made me smile. I’m so busy trying to write down my feelings to get the out that it’s one long string together sentence.
Thank you for the positivity, and wading through treacle is exactly the explanation. I am just such an impatient person, and want to turn this around NOW! But I know it’s one day at a time. Well done on your recovery Alan I take my hat off to you
I will leave you alone in a minute I promise 🙂
Just wanted to add that you do have to look at the positive's through all this and the biggest being that you've stopped gambling :)) .
As for being impatient ......Well that's the trait of the CG wanting everything now surely ? but I'll also pass on this snippet of wisdom which was kindly bestowed on me .
" RECOVERY'S FOR LIFE , SO WHAT'S THE RUSH " ?
Have a great day and take care 🙂 .
Thank you Alan honestly I appreciate anyone who replies to my posts or diary entries, as I never expect it.
It’s just a place to vent, so the fact people like yourself take the time to offer help and advice is very appreciated .
You are very correct. I lived a good life until 5 years ago it’s taken 5 years to get into this mess, I have (hopefully) more than x6 of that to put it right ???
See another positive .......... All those years in front of you to enjoy gamble free 🙂
I honestly don't know what your moaning about ............. Now repeat after me " Out with the bad air in with the good " LOL :))
All the best LIH 🙂
So today has been another c**P day. Work keeps me busy, and then the kids when I’m home. Once they are in bed I worse worse than ever. I don’t even want to gamble , my head just hurts from all the stress.
today I didn’t gamble. I am heading for 2 weeks gamble free (again!) my test is always payday but I don’t know why I feel like total poo! I can’t shake it.
I’m usually flying by this stage when I haven’t gambled for a couple of weeks. I suppose as I hit rock bottom it isn’t an easy to climb back up.
Its almost a similar feeling to grief. Upset,anger, resentment, the why me feeling.
I have to keep telling myself I am so lucky I’m so many ways. What some people are going through in this life is just awful, I have a lot to be thankful for.
I really hope my counselling happens soon I really feel like I need it. I can’t wait to have a day where I feel better.
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