My recovery needs to start today

Thanks you signalman I appreciate that ?

The thing is to never be complacent isn’t it. Never think we are cured no matter how long we abstain. I get that now. 

Well done to you and everyone else fighting the fight. We are all lucky to have each other here 

Today has been an okay day. Every day I feel the fog lifting from me and I feel more positive. I did something tonight though that I don’t understand. I tried to log into one of the dodgy non UK sites I’ve played at. I had asked them to close my account after my last relapse. Surprise surprise they hadn’t shut my account and I was able to log in even with my gamban! Unfortunately I found out gamban doesn’t work with my WiFi provider so at home it’s useless for me! what happened though is that I saw I had a substantial balance in my account which was basically cashback. Did I want to play it? Perhaps, but the urge wasn’t strong. I got straight onto their chat support and told them to close my account, and properly this time. I tried to then log back in and couldn’t. I am so pleased, but I don’t know why I even tried in the first place? It wasn’t even like I had an urge to play. 

Wow great resolve not to get stuck into that balance ?

I wouldn't think too much about it, apart from acknowledging that I (and many others here) have done the same thing during recovery - I think the logging on thing is a common pitfall in recovery, in fact most of the people who keep doing this without addressing the loophole eventually start gambling again.

I don't think I've ever read about anyone gutsy enough to close the account with a substantial balance there and not play it - you should be mega proud of yourself. It's shows how serious you are now about giving up gambling, focus your thoughts in this aspect and don't dwell too much on why you logged on in the first place? What the point it wasting all your energy pondering on something so negative?

And somehow close this exposed loophole asap!!! Maybe contact your broadband provider and get them to block gambling websites (I've heard this can be done) or sign up to Gamstop (it's free)

Close it right away

Be proud

Keep going.

Thanks signalman 

I couldn’t withdraw the cashback so I thought what’s the point in even trying here, I already know the outcome. I am registered with Gamstop for 5 years but this site is a non UK site. Dodgy beyond belief with 2 month withdrawal times (this is how desperate I was to gamble a month ago) 

I definitely will contact my broadband  provider and ask them if they can help with gamban at all. Apparently since they have been doing updates this is what’s caused the VPN to not work. 

I am by all means still not complacent, I know the urges will be higher some days than others and that yesterday I was lucky because I was feeling motivated. 

I still don’t trust myself, but taking it always one day at a time. Next Monday payday will be the biggest  test  for me as always. 

Wishing you a great rest of your week, and thanks for all the support as always. 

You really should be so proud of yourself for your actions, strength and resolve. I tip my hat to you and if you can keep up with this resolve your life will become much more beautiful without gambling in it.

So the weekend has been very nice. I have seen lots of family and kept busy. Tomorrow is payday and like I thought the urges are kicking in.

I think it’s because after all my outgoings I have nothing and really resent not being able to spend money on the kids or going out places.

I know gambling has got me in this situation as all my money goes to paying debts due to this! But I know this is a huge trigger for me. I can already feel the urge so I really really want to stay strong.

I know after a few months I will be in a better position each month but it’s so hard going. I need so much to remember last months loss. Not the money but the feeling I had after and that downward spiral. My mental health has actually improved since that month, so this has to be a focal point. 

Posted by: Liveinhope35

I know gambling has got me in this situation as all my money goes to paying debts due to this! But I know this is a huge trigger for me. I can already feel the urge so I really really want to stay strong.

Hello - get where you're coming from here - eloquently put - please just make sure your blocks are watertight and this stage, and at each payday actually and have faith that these feelings will pass and over time will be FAR easier to manage (with GF free time behind you)

And be aware that you may be using not being able to spend money on the kids as a smokescreen to beat yourself up over the gambling losses - there are loads of great, free things to do with your kids, especially in this weather - you know this - be aware that you are conditioned to hitting yourself over the head with a stick - you've been doing this for years, it's all you know - without gambling the stick is in the corner so you are punishing yourself by other means to get that familiar feeling...

Take that energy of resentment and convert it into ingenuity... Plan something fab for the kids that you know won't cost you money!

Posted by: Liveinhope35

I know after a few months I will be in a better position each month but it’s so hard going. I need so much to remember last months loss. Not the money but the feeling I had after and that downward spiral. My mental health has actually improved since that month, so this has to be a focal point. 

And I truly get what you're saying here - i truly do.

I just hope that one day, when gambling is far in the distance in your life - that pain and heartache are not the driving force that keep you off a bet (refer to above post) 

At some point (not now because you need it in the early days of recovery) but at some point (and please remember this) you will need to break the cycle of pain for pleasure. Stay off a bet and your life will vastly improve and joy, contentment and a renewed taste for life will be your driving force for staying off a bet - I promise you that ?

Posted by: signalman

Posted by: Liveinhope35

I know after a few months I will be in a better position each month but it’s so hard going. I need so much to remember last months loss. Not the money but the feeling I had after and that downward spiral. My mental health has actually improved since that month, so this has to be a focal point. 

And I truly get what you're saying here - i truly do.

I just hope that one day, when gambling is far in the distance in your life - that pain and heartache are not the driving force that keep you off a bet (refer to above post) 

At some point (not now because you need it in the early days of recovery) but at some point (and please remember this) you will need to break the cycle of pain for pleasure. Stay off a bet and your life will vastly improve and joy, contentment and a renewed taste for life will be your driving force for staying off a bet - I promise you that ?

Thanks so much signalman 

full of wisdom and advice as always ? I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are so right that I am almost used to self harming (in the financial and mental sense) that if I am not hating myself for losing all my money, I am hating myself for denying my kids the things they want. My problem has always been about self loathing. 

You have spurred me on this evening to think straight again. I hope tomorrow I can keep it up once that pay hits! As like I say none of it is mine anyway is all paying off debts and my rent/bills. The blocks are in place I just need my stupid brain to be in place too! ?

Take one day at a time ?

You're not stupid

The money may not be yours but your life is yours again and the time you have ahead of you is so much more than money ?

Have a lovely evening!

Posted by: signalman

Take one day at a time ?

You're not stupid

The money may not be yours but your life is yours again and the time you have ahead of you now is priceless ?

Have a lovely evening!

Thanks signalman same to you ??