My story and journey forward 190416

Hi tommy and huge congratulations on reaching your 51st day , great achievement my friend and one you feel proud of , all good things come to gthose who wait andf glad to see you reaping rewards for your effort !!.

Take care and all the best for now .

Alan

Cheers Alan.

Now I'm past 50, I'm gonna make a point to try to participate now in more of other people's posts/diaries. I see you do alot of that - nice to give others support along the way. and I guess it helps you too. Not that it means I'm an expert now or anything just think it's something I'm ready to do now so not just focussing on myself.

Tommy.

Day 53 - I had quite a bit of cash on me yesterday as picked up money was owed. I didnt feel the urge to go to bookies/arcade but it did make me feel nervous as before that's exactly what I would have done. Gave me some flashbacks of times where I had picked up a few hundred then gone straight to bookies to lose it. Then withdraw more and lose it. Then stop off on way home from work but lose more, get back home try and win back it on online slots. So the work I had done to get the money was pointless and in fact ended up costing me so much more - where's the logic in that! Now I have time to think clearer and reflect, what us CG's do at times just baffles me and would baffle any normal person. Of course we don't care at the time. We're in a flurry of excitement and anxiety, not thinking straight, scrambling around to cash machines etc etc. For what? To convert £200 into £300 only to lose so much more than that and also waste hours.

Anyway, I got in my car and drove straight to post office to deposit the money and got on with the rest of the day.

I'm going out with friends tonight for meal and beers to watch 1st game of Euro 2016. Some of them big sports betting guys and will defo have money on the match. Me, I'm just going to have a nice dinner and drinks watch the game for what it is - the game that I love. Not watching anxiously to see who scores first, if France win 2-0 etc etc and not actually enjoying it. Even though sports betting wasn't my main vice only small amounts here and there I realise now it still made me feel a certain way - a negative, uncomfortable feeling. I cannot gamble like other people - they can sit back and relax, win or lose. I cannot.

I'm travelling by train through to big city where I would always have ended up in a bookies or arcade waiting on other people arriving etc from different places. Tonight I won't carry cash between the train station and where I am going - will withdraw only what I have budgeted for at an ATM next to place. I also am not 'going earlier' than I need to instead getting train that arrives 10mins before arranged time then I need to walk a bit so will be there bang on when I need to be. Not an hour before so I can see if I can get 'up' for the evening before it even starts. Then only to lose, turn up late to meet friends sweaty, anxious, plaster on fake banter not really enjoy the night as thinking about gambling - how to win back tomorrow etc etc. Don't need that stress.

Realise it's so important now in early days to break your old habits. Watched something last night saying it takes 2 months minimum to change behavioural patterns. That's what I made a point of doing yesterday and what I'm planning to do tonight.

Onwards and upwards.

A wee bit hungover today - enjoyed plenty of beers last night. Today would usually have been a day I would gamble - not today - it wouldnt make anything better. Naturally I know I'll feel a bit c**P today but going to go for a walk eat healthy and then look forward to watching England game tonight.

Watched football with 3 mates last night at pub all who were consumed by betting on the game constantly looking at phones, betting in-play etc. They didn't ask if I had a bet on. Just enjoyed watching the game and having a good time. Not going to throw away my 53 days gamble free!

Well done on 53 day's tommy , great achievement my friend and one worth holding on to !!

Keep up the good work and winning for real .

All the best ..................Alan

Thanks Al,

Another busy weekend - seen alot of friends and family! Also committed to a 10K run yesterday so gonna be starting training for that soon.

Having stopped gambling for a sustained period of time I'm having the chance to reflect and think alot. I now realise gambling did affect me more than what I thought - even though nobody noticed or at least they haven't said anything.

I have lacked alot of motivation to do things in the past couple of years - also I've avoided certain social occasions because 'i have work to do' but infact have then used that time to gamble and not get around to doing the work. I'm starting online counselling next Monday and looking forward to getting deeper into my association with gambling.

It's still anything but easy - I have urges still and even this morning feeling a bit low thought about slots .... but I didn't give in and that's all I can do for now.

Onwards and upwards.

Morning all - 57 days gamble free.

Went to one of my best mates last night to watch Italy game and had a few nice German beers.

He is a very strategic gambler and has built up a £5K profit over the past 2 years whilst withdrawing regularly from his fund to treat himself to sports events, holidays etc. It's a part time job to him almost. He's single and does tons of reseach - part of paid facebook groups etc etc. Anyway, I have always been wary of his approach and whether he had a serious gambling problem but speaking to him in detail last night he is definately different from me. He slowly builds it up, doesn't chase losses and is very strategic - only bets same stakes each time doesn't increase when he loses etc. He is also very open about it even to his parents and friends. He's the closest thing to a professional gambler that I know.

Anyway, in comparing myself to him. I have no control, chase losses by increasing stakes, don't tell anyone about what I'm upto and haven't ever been up more than £500-£1k at anytime before blowing it again. Even if I did withdraw some money to pay for a 'treat' I'd still be trying to win it back over following days only to lose more and more.

Anyway just told him I'm staying away from the gambling I never win anyway. I can't gamble like a normal person because it makes me on edge and I cannot let the losses go etc. He knows about my problems from a decade ago but not recently. Anyway, I see the time and effort he puts into it and shows you there isn't really a quick way to make big money from the betting industry and they make it difficult for people like him anyway - regularly limiting his accounts etc.

Not for me - don't need the stress and would rather use the time to change my life for the better.

Onwards and upwards.

Hi Tommy

Thank you for my post on my wall!! I have just read through ur diary i am so sorry to hear about ur little one. I loved the term guardian angel and the inner strength that you are showing is absolutly incredible! Your last post you spoke about ur mate the pro gambler well done for reconising u couldnt do that!! Well done Tommy your doing so well and it sounds like you have a good support base there!

Thanks ADT785. Yeah I'd rather put the time and effort into not gambling - at least if we do dot gamble we have control over the future. If we do gamble our future is in the hands of a machine, the kick of a ball, the speed of an animal, the way the green slopes on a golf course etc. Not for me anymore.

Still have thoughts and urges. Last night predicted 1-1 in the first game and France 3-0 in my head. Looked at the price for that combination (first time I've checked odds during Euro's) - 35/1 thought if I stick a £100 on it could get me £3500. But that wouldn't have sorted out my mess anyway. And then I would have been so gutted when France won 2-0 that I probably would have went on slots to win back £100 to then lose alot more. I don't want to make out this is easy because its not, changing the mindset and patterns built up over more than 10 years but slowly getting there and just staying away knowing I cannot gamble.

Enjoy the game today! I've got the day off but instead of sneaking away for gambling time got family coming round for lunch and to watch the football.

59 days gamble free, tomorrow is 60.

Onwards and upwards.

Day 61 gamble free.

There is a race night on tonight for football team I help run. Its a fun thing with kids doing the races etc as a fundraiser for one of teams. Instead of placing bets etc I just made a £20 donation incase I didn't make it along - said I'd pop along for a bit. Felt nice handing over no-obligation donation without any thoughts of winning anything etc.

I'm going to pop along for a couple of drinks but just make it clear if anyone asks me to place bets etc that I've made a donation and can't be seen to win anything - 'people would say it was a fix' and just laugh off. Might make myself useful and help out at the bar. There are these events now and then I know I need to handle differently but know its for the best. A little pre-planning to keep me on straight and narrow.

Had day off yesterday went out for the day with Mrs. Was nice, treated her to a few little things before I would have grudged or put on joint account.

I've been keeping track of my spending/bank account closely and this should be the 2nd month that I'll actually have quite a bit left in my current account - twice in a row - can't think of many times over past years that was the case. Will put some extra into debt fund but not all. Will put another bit towards a weekend trip next month with Mrs. Anyway, that's 10 days away till payday so need to just focus on getting there gamble free.

Out for family lunch for father in-laws birthday should be nice.

Onwards and upwards.

hey tommy

After reading through your page i can say that there are so many similar thoughts / actions etc between ourselves. Especially the buying and paying for things and feeling P****d off about it. So many times i have chosen not to buy something for a loved one or for even myself if i need it, and instead keep the money in my account because mentally it was saved for an upcoming week of tennis or match of some sorts. Also its amazing the mentality that when we did spend money we instantly wanted to get online to rcover the money spent, usually resulting in more lost. i cant count the amount of times that i had 1000 plus in my account and STILL didnt take the money out.......this is the one thing that makes me curious the most. I can see that you are a bIt further down the road than i am in terms of days free but just wanted to say well done with all the positive dedictaions you made. Finally i am sorry for your loss, it is a pain i can also atest to feeling, but by the words that you write and mental strength you portray i have a feeling that the future looks bright for you. All the best mate

DTRH

Thanks DTRH.

Well done of the first few days gamble free. Take this 'time out' to really think about things. Don't try to tackle it all too soon. I've made that mistake in the past - just get a loan to cover that etc but then gradually fall back into old habits.

Life is s**t at times and I am certainly seeing that now but facing it daily instead of hiding behind a fantasy world.

Yeah it is crazy the things we have done to try and 'recoup' money paid for things or to try and win the money ahead to pay for everyday things - that we have the money for in the first place!

This forum is a great tool - use the time you managed to find everyday to pop on here. I have also had an online assessment as local counselling sessions just werent going to work for me and start counselling on Monday. You can do it on webcam. It's taken a while to get to this point but looking forward to counselling. Would recommend starting the proceess soon but only if you are ready.

Good luck mate!

Day 62 gamble free. Last night managed to navigate the fundraiser race night betting by helping out at the bar - made sure I stuck a little extra in for drinks I had instead of betting on races etc. And the team raised a staggering amount so felt good to be a part of it.

Another great weekend gamble free. Doing so much more productive things with time and feeling a sense of achievement for doing it. Over the past 2 years I've had little motivation to use my free time for anything but gambling. Painted my garden fence today!

Got 1st counselling session tomorrow looking forward to it...

Onwards and upwards.

Well done on the race night thing I know it's just a bit of fun and for a good cause but it could of easily triggered you off. Just be extra vigilant over the next few days as I've read and heard tales where people have slipped up after attending similar events, not sure why maybe they think they can handle it and can walk away if they managed what you did last night.

Some good progress on your diary keep active on the forum it does help.

KTF

Thanks KTF. Appreciate the tip, I'm slowly accepting I can't handle any sort of gambling.

Congrats on getting over 250 days gamble free, you'll be celebrating a year in no time!