NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Nothing wrong with combing your hair dude. I'd do the same if I had hair left haha. My hair started thinning in early 20's and it was difficult to accept the fact I was getting bald (genetics issues). I even thought that maybe I could win enough money thru gambling to go for a hair transplant. I reluctantly shaved one day after few years of convincing and I've never looked back! Nowadays, I shave my head pretty much everyday and I can proudly say that I get self confidence with my shiny bald look. I just feel like Vin Diesel, Dwayne The Rock Johnson or Jason Statham after shaving my hair hahahaha ok ok just kidding. So, well done for looking after yourself and taking that pride back man. I'm sure the wife is loving the new look 😉

Ha ha thanks for the message Pras, yeah the missus has commented that it's nice to see me making an effort again!

The Rock is a legend... Have you heard his motivational video on YouTube? I found it quite moving actually... And inspiring. If I had 10% of his drive and motivation I'd be king of the world!

Hope you're well anyway. Will have a look in your diary now :o)

Well I finally managed to wash the car! Inside and out :o) I'm so pleased with myself... It looks grand.

I know it's not a big deal to most but to me it was... Finally setting my mind to a menial task and committing to it rather than procrastinating or making an excuse to do it another day... Brilliant!

Throughout the task the same thihhtth kept rolling over in my mind - "this feels like a proper recovery now" 

My 2 year old came out to assist but he was pretty hopeless - still, was a laugh watching him get stuck in and was nice to spend some time bonding with him.

I aimed to finish by 7pm and didn't finish until 7:40pm - got a bit addicted to being meticulous, don't want to put too much pressure on myself but still have work to do in the areas of OCD and sticking to time frames!

It's all part of the commitment we make to bettering ourselves I guess. I've been coasting through life as a hapless addict throughout my adult existence. I am 35 now and ready to surrender to a normal life and all that comes with it - and that includes cleaning the car and finishing the task within a specified time frame! :o)

I put my boy to bed this evening. I sat and stared at him for some time after... I remembered when he was born and I whispered in his ear that I wouldn't let him down. I knew I harboured a terrible gambling addiction and thought that he being born would be my ticket to transcending this horrible affliction. How wrong was I. How many others have made this same mistake. 

To be fair I lasted a year and a half so he did act as a sort of temporary buffer in that respect. But inevitably I blew it in the end. My love for him wasn't powerful enough. This shows to me how powerful gambling actually is because I really, really love my son so much yet all the love I have for him wasn't enough to keep me off a bet. 

Coming clean, accepting defeat, mechanical blocks and peer-to-peer support are doing the trick for me. Accepting that this illness is more powerful than you or I. Never been able to accept this before. Even when he was born.

I admit defeat now. I will humbly ask that gambling leaves me in peace so I can concentrate on amending the wrongs I have bestowed on my wife and child and can rebuild my character in such a way that I can be a credit to my family and not a hindrance. Please let me lead a quiet, simple and honest life from here on in. You've taken so much from me, but left me with the 2 most precious things I've ever had and ever will have... In a strange sort of way I'm grateful to you for that - so let's just call it a day from here and go our separate ways. 

You win. I'm not scared to admit that anymore.

As I left for work I whispered in his ear that I this time I wouldn't let him down. And I hope to god I deliver this time. I work so hard on my recovery every day... Surely this will safeguard me from here. Last time I whispered it to him was blind faith.

Ah man... I do miss the old forum actually. All it needed was a lick of paint I think, perhaps not all these usability changes... Oh well...

Beggars cannot be choosers and all that :o)

Whilst I appreciate the previous platform needed a facelift of some sort and was dated - aside from that I thought the simplicity of how it worked ended up being quite an endearing feature of it all? Like a Nokia phone or a cheese and pickle sandwich :o)

Designers these days try so hard to make things seem 'retro' or 'old-skool' as it's perceived as cool and easy on the eye... I think the previous platform (albeit inadvertently) embodied this style in the most authentic way possible. Yes, a little facelift wouldn't have hurt but what was great about it was that by being a bit dated, the focal point became the peer-to-peer support on offer and how easy it was to access this, I think the more this platform sings and dances, the more it detracts from its true power.

A humble platform for humble people humbled by gambling looking for humble beginnings within the possibility of a gamble free future... That's what it's all about for me. Apart from a facelift I don't think anything else really needed to be tinkered with, in fact the site had what a lot of other platforms strive to obtain.

Anyway like most things in life these days, I'll get used to it I suppose!

Whilst I appreciate the previous platform needed a facelift of some sort and was dated to look at - aside from that I thought the simplicity of how it all worked ended up being quite an endearing feature of it all? Like a Nokia phone or a cheese and pickle sandwich :o)

Designers these days try so hard to make things seem 'retro' or 'old-skool' as it's perceived as cool and easy on the eye... I think the previous platform (albeit inadvertently) embodied this style in the most authentic way possible. Yes, a little facelift wouldn't have hurt but what was great about it was that by being a bit dated, the focal point of using the platform beca the peer-to-peer support on offer and how easy/quickfire it was to access this, I think the more this platform sings and dances, the more it detracts from its true power.

A humble platform for humble people humbled by gambling looking for humble beginnings within the possibility of a gamble free future... That's what it's all about for me. Apart from a facelift I don't think anything else really needed to be tinkered with usability wise, in fact the site had what a lot of other platforms strive to obtain within its simplicity and accessibility.

Anyway like most things in life these days, I'll get used to it I suppose! :o) I'm sure there are loads of other more pertinent technical reasons why the site needed a revamp!

Spot on man. Absolutely loved the old website for its simplicity and how easy it was to use. This one reminds me of Myspace or Bebo ?haha I can even add an emoji mow ? . Anyway hope you had a good weekend mate. Take care ?

I’m slowly finding my way around the new site but agree with you both . Won’t go as far as saying the new sites?? but it’s just not a friendly feel about the way it’s laid out. Quite plain and bland are the words I think I'm Looking for ? ?. I do love the emojis though ?. Just off on a little break for a few days so I’ll catch up with you guys at the end of the week.    Stay safe all ?

Alan 

Ah great to hear from you both and glad to hear you're both going well :o)

Have a lovely break Al, you enjoy yourself mate :o)

Still chuckling at your comical use of the ? emoji ??

Here's to many more emojis ?

Take care guys

Hey Signalman 

I too am struggling a bit with the new site, especially the little blue face that keeps asking me to chat and the request for donations- what is the percentage of profits reinvested into supporting people like us- very low as we know.

Anyway still GF. Still struggling with it a lot. Not really talking much but I guess it can only get better. It’s got to be for the long run. Glad you’re doing well. Just checking in really!

Dear Signalman 

Thanks so much for your post- it really made my day.

You are spot on. The counsellor thinks I am going through a reactive depressive episode and contacted my GP. Seems right when I think about it. Glad you understand. I either want to stay indoors or work all day to avoid myself!

Going to see an old friend at the weekend which will hopefully help. Time to start talking I suppose!

Glad you are doing well. Thanks again for your support. 

I know it all gets better with time but in the meantime it’s not easy . But you are right,  it’s part of the recovery process and I need to go through this. I don’t want to fight anymore.

Best to everyone 

You're very welcome down and out. Pass by any time to shoot the breeze and take a load off ;o)

I attempted to destroy my life through gambling last year. When the bomb didn't go off properly I found myself on this site and accessing GA. I accessed these resources SOLELY with the purpose/intention of staying off a bet somehow (once I had come to my senses I decided in the aftermath that actually I wanted my life back)

At no point did I envisage other life-changing phenomena would occur in relation to my psyche, outlook, attitude and behaviour. In fact at that point I actually thought that aside from the gambling, I was actually a pretty brilliant person who was virtually flawless when it came to character defects, in reality I was pretty much an ungrateful, entitled, arrogant b*****d.

Nurturing gratitude for what I have been left with post-gambling has been a huge part of me inadvertantly improving in all the other aforementioned areas. That and compassion towards others. Both were dead concepts to me when gambling.

I was a slave to my addiction. Feelings didn't come into it. Everything in my life was a stat, a likelihood or based on probability. Controlling outcomes was also a HUGE part of my life when I gambled, a huge part.

I needed to share this pre-amble before I outline 2 recent situations which I am immensely proud of myself re how I handled them... Never in a million years did I dream of being able to handle those situations in the way I did, nor did I want to in my heyday anyway... I was all 'guns and glory' before.

1) I took my boy, niece and nephew to the soft play yesterday. Whilst playing in the football section a mother with of her own started picking on me basically, she was being pushy, confrontational and clearly trying to intimidate me so reluxatntly I and the kids moved to another part of the play area and left them to enjoy the whole football area to themselves.

Later when we were sitting down to eat I overheard her and her mum friends jeering at me and taking the mickey because I was one of the only dad's in the building. At this point I had to make a decision. I HATE bullies. So much. I've taken them on all my life.

Before (before I even knew it) I would have rushed over to her and let her have it. No mercy. A verbal onslaught. Personal and vindictive. But this time I looked at my boy, I looked at the other two and wanted to set a good example. I was also consumed with a overriding sense of compassion for this woman... maybe she has issues of her own? Insecure? Issues with men? Racked with emotional pain of some sort? Perhaps she needs to make a fool of me in front of her cohorts to feel something? Confidence? Approval? Acceptance? Or maybe she is a fighter - sometimes you get people like that - those who have fought all their life to get what they need and now don't know any other way of existing, when there is no fight to be had they will go looking for one… its all they know.

Then it dawned on me… who am I anyway of all people to be passing judgment on how people should are expected to behave and how they should treat others… I mean I was a live wire when I was in action, completely NOT in control of my emotions and would chew people up and spit them out if they didn't abide to the ideals of how i thought people should behave… I was the bully.

I am now trying to be a humble man getting on quietly and this lady is clearly projecting her unhappiness and insecurity onto me - why not let her get on with it and just be grateful to the lord that I have survived gambling and lived to fight another day… and no, this sort of scenario was no longer deemed a fight in my book. Trying to regulate my residual negative behaviours and in turn provide the best future for my wife and son and be the best version of myself - those are the battles I engage with these days on a daily basis. 'One day at a time' as the old adage goes.

So I just left it. My nephew was even mocking me for being owned by a 'lady’ to which I curtly highlighted that he was in fact being sexist and he was the one who in fact should be ashamed, not me. That shut him up anyway.

2)  I bought something off eBay then within moments of purchasing I realised I bought the wrong thing so emailed the seller for a refund. To my amazement and surprise instead of issuing the refund I received an exhaustive email alleging that I was an idiot for making a purchase then changing my mind, and because of that he would not be refunding me straight away. He went on to point out that he was on holiday at this time so he would refund me on his return next week, if he felt like it. He also sounded off about the current state of eBay trading and how people like me should be barred from purchasing.

So anyway he was clearly bonkers… but I was enraged. Many corrupt thoughts passed through my head… send him a message back full of hate and vitriol? Insinuate that I know where he lives due to the address on his seller profile, coupled with the knowledge that he is on holiday ie expect to come back to an empty house? Explain to him in no uncertain terms that he is fact the idiot as I am not about to obliterate his seller profile with negative feedback? Sadly - the me of old would have probably done all of the above before I even had time to draw breath and take stock of the situation.

This time I took some deep breaths, went and spent some time with my son, then when I was ready, able and calm I sent him an apologetic message reinforcing that it was an innocent mistake and I didn't mean to cause him any grief.

I got the refund within minutes of this being sent to which I replied with thanks.

What does all this have to do with gambling addiction? Well, in the past I would have acted in a flash - like a possessed man… only coming to my senses in the aftermath when I had ballsed everything up. Same with my gambling. It was always over in a flash and invariably a big mess to sort out afterwards.

Nowadays I AM NOT A SLAVE TO MY ADDICTIONS. I am not a slave to my thoughts - my thoughts are the slave and I am who I choose to be. I have a choice and I use it all the time.

Never in a million years did I enter GamCare and GA with expectations to address my character defects… I only signed up because I was absolutely skint, absolutely frightened of what further damage I could do if I bet again and unable to trust myself not to make another bet again. I was desperate to stay off a bet.

Now I seem to be able to do that and a whole lot more.

Dear @signalman ,

thank you for sharing this. When we feel a sense of balance within ourselves, we find more compassion with other people's imbalance. It is a joy to see you reflect and grow and feeling good about yourself. 

Wishing you all the very best in your continued recovery, you are working it hard and well.

Eva

Forum Admin

Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests - hurry and indecision.