NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

A 9 wrote:

Too eager to get home with yer flowers and pill's mate ?

It's only money mate and if you do the course it's about 90 quid and no point's , don't let it ruin your mood and just imagine the outcome if you'd still been gambling , wanting to go out and win the money to pay the fine and where would that end ? .

Take it from what youv'e saved not gambling these last 7 months mate and excuse the word but you could be " Lucky " and not have been caught , either way it's just life and the devil pukeing in your kettle :)) . .

Spot on mate... Needed to hear that. Thank you ;o)

Lil30 wrote:

Hi S, just catching up on your posts - always enjoy reading your stuff! And of course, you are exactly right about the physical reaction. It’s this that made me realise all was not well! I've been incredibly stupid recently, but, I am determined to take away from this the fact that I do need help and I am not any different! I need to see the positives, in that my hole is not too deep, yet!

Yes lil - it's so great to hear that your hole isn't too deep yet. You have to be proud of yourself for recognising what you need to do before those moves become absolutely critical... How I wished I'd have had your foresight!

Come on, you've not been stupid! Naive maybe but not stupid. I only say naive because I and others did have exhaustive conversations with you prior to last relapse re what you could do to help your cause but alas it happened again.

Anyway look, I'm not suggesting there is only one way to do this. Some people could and do actually beat this on willpower alone (albeit rare instances) - some don't use blocks, some don't use GA etc etc

But have you thought about putting everything in place to begin with then extracting (if you feel the need to) what measures may be excessive as you learn and go along over time rather than only putting so much in place - leaving elements of your recovery to the gods - then falling down and realising what you should have been doing and putting things in place during the aftermath?

Proactive rather than reactive? There's nothing wrong with that you know. You'd have nothing to be ashamed of doing it that way. Just stay clean by any means necessary. Simples ;o)

Thanks S - yes, I’ve got lots of things in place now and am just concentrating on a two month goal first... thanks for your comments! You are always so positive, I hope you are this positive with yourself!

Well I attempted to listen to 15 minutes of the football tonight on the way to work but as soon as the late goals went in my brain AUTOMATICALLY started to work out what the odds would have been as they went in. In that moment I felt truly powerless, like I was possessed again.

I've come so far on this journey, I have too much to lose if I become complacent. Will leave football by the wayside for a while longer then, maybe indefinitely I suppose. Too much too soon. Never mind. Shame because I always enjoyed the 'business' end of the season in years gone by.

Anyway there are plenty of other things to do with my time. Football is just a drop in the huge ocean of life.

Am just lying awake thinking about this platform changed my life forever.

Reading back my first post it dawned on me that I had never asked anyone for help with anything leading up to my breakdown, I was too proud/arrogant or whatever you want to call it...

I came on here on bits and I was on my knees. I asked for help, guidance, a kind word, anything that would distract me from thoughts of doing myself in. Virtual strangers responded, they took time out of their day to look after me and see me through the toughest time in my life. They would get nothing in return from doing this, they just did it because they knew the pain I was experiencing and were decent enough to try and help me address it. They did it because they cared.

A9, Donna, ALN (I hope you're ok), Merry Go Round, ODAAT, Boro, Damo, sjw, volcano, Duncan, hazard... I just owe you so much for helping me through. I followed the advice and insight given and today I'm doing ok. At that time i wasn't even sure if I'd be around by the end of the week. I hope this gratitude is some sort of small return on the investment of time spent messaging me when I was in dire straits and seeing me through very tough times. Virtual strangers who have become virtual friends to me, people who I listen to with the utmost respect because I value their thoughts/opinions and admire the traits of compassion and selflessness they display on here through the helping of others.

I remember all the advice given like it was yesterday. I'd never asked for help before... Tried to tackle everything on my own. Gamcare forced me to pull my head out from the deepest chasms of my a**e and actually listen to people and accept that there are people who know better than me - this is a principle I try to practice as much as possible in life today. What I could never get my head around until I found Gamcare was why another human being would want to reach back and help another human being who is struggling... There would be no gain for the person reaching back surely...

That's how sick I was before I found Gamcare.

The amount of people you have helped on here me included you should be proud of yourself. Your response to people are brilliant I could not go into great detail like you do. If we all had a choice we would not want to be on this site but we have no choice because in my opinion people don’t take gambling as serious as other addiction. So it good to talk to people on here because they know what we are going through. Keep up helping people on here mate and stay strong yourself

Thanks man. Appreciate the message. Have a good weekend :o)

Hey S :)) .

I was told on here once that in order to work recovery ( there's that word again ) you have to give it away or pass it forward just as you are doing everyday on these pages my friend .

The day you arrived here I knew from my own past expereience's just the way you felt as it mirrored my own the day I turned up a broken man .

Stay well buddy and have a great weekend :))

Thanks so much Al. Thanks as always.

Jeez... I wasn't even a racing man but I found it nigh on impossible to escape the hype of the national today. Lord knows what it must've been like for you racing folk.

My heart goes out to you guys. I buried my head in the sand today and the national still managed to get in my face.

It's scary to think that I made a conserved effort to avoid this event yet due to advertising, marketing and word of mouth I knew who the favourite was and various odds associated with various horses by the race kick off. Tough times for a recovering gambler to live in, but I'd rather be recovering than still in action that's for sure.

My wife said to me yesterday that I am doing really well since I started a recovery path. To hear her say these words and obtain some approval from her meant so much to me. More than I thought it would have.

Today I can proudly post that I went to the gym for the first time in the 7/8 months since this all happened to me and my life fell apart. I cancelled my luxury gym membership quite early on and joined a more modest one - however has taken me 6 months of wasted membership fees to build up the courage and motivation to go for some reason. I even convinced my wife to come in with me on a guest membership to help me settle in LOL

As I constantly elude to on here - gambling robs you of so much more than money. My confidence took a real knock when gambling pulled the rug from under me. The trauma is still there...

Anyway really enjoyed myself. Felt uplifted and optimistic that i could restore myself back to a level of physical fitness and strength. I was actually surprised how I've managed to maintain a semblance of previous fitness despite not working out for such a long time. Strange that...

Strength has evaporated like a pond in the Sahara. Got a lot of work to do in that area!

Pictured myself spending loads and loads of time there over the forthcoming months/years until at least my debt is paid off and I can afford myself other activities :o) why not eh

Really proud of myself for going back to the gym. I want to take care of myself moving forward - body, mind and spirit, i reckon if I attend to those 3 then gambling will find it nigh on impossible to get back in.

However - neglect one of those areas at my peril I think. Can't be leaving myself vulnerable in any way.

Went for a massive meal after the gym with the missus as we were taking advantage of a night off from the lad. Feel stuffed now. Probably cancelled out my hard work and effort but tomorrow I'll go again hopefully and burn it off! :o)

Go to the gym then stuff yourself silly , that's " Balance " isn't it ? :)) .

So much positivity coming from your recent post's S , if there were a like button on here I'd have hit it by now :))

You know what they say about " Healthy mind healthy body " and I'm quite Jealous if I'm honest buddy as there was nothing I loved more when I used to run everyday and I really miss that but one hip replacement and another on the way have marked the end of that avenue of pleasure unfortunately but hey ho that's life as they say . I still walk the dogs for a few miles everyday which I also enjoy so much :)) .

Keep doing what your doing S and more importantly what's working for you :))

Take care fella

Alan

Hi Signalman,

You should be proud going back to gym. You should be proud of conquering your addiction 1 day at a time & you should be proud of yourself for finding the time to support others on here despite having to fight your own personal demons.

Thanks for all your support & Stay Strong

Kind Regards

AL

signalman wrote:

Ok I just lost 13.5k in under half an hour. I'm on modest wages - it wasn't savings either - all overdraft and money lending sources.

This is the day after. I feel ruined. I'm here at work with 0 hours sleep. I feel like crying or killing myself, or both. Keep having to skip out of work to take calls from lenders regarding a 20k loan as I also have 7.5k debt from poor money management.

I have a beautiful wife and a 1 year old son, and a nice home. We've worked hard for everything we've got no handouts. I've only ever lost a grand here or there and have been in control for years so this was a shock to my system. I'm still in shock... I don't want to lose my wife and son. Our relationship has been a bit fractured of late so maybe that plus the pressure of family, work and not having time to myself broke me. I'm ashamed. I can't look my son in the eye right now. I feel sub-human.

People's comments make me feel like I'm not alone. Its reassuring reading stories from people that have turned it round after some years. I want to be one of those guys. Right now it's day 1 after the breakdown and I can't see the wood from the trees.

I've done a lot of thinking today and:

Someone on here wrote that "the money will take care of itself" - I'm going ahead with a 5 year loan with manageable (just) repayments and hope for the best.

I have chosen not to tell my wife. She suffers from anxiety as it is and this will break her and finish us for sure. I will lose my son. She would try to be there for me but the magnitude of what I have done would surely overwhelm her

I won't go into recovery just yet. I just don't have the time. I work long hours. Strangely enough I want to beat this on my own even though I am fully aware that peer-to-peer support will make it miles easier. Call it guilt, shame, pride... whatever.

I had aspirations to save money and do a degree, it was my dream to leave my current job and qualify in my passion. I was willing to work round my son for this.

What if I'd logged out when I was supposed to? What kind of father and husband does this make me? What if my car goes or pipes burst... Where will the money come from now? What could I / should I have spent the money on?

No point thinking about any of this. Or you spiral. And looking forward with a clear head is hard when you are spinning around. Make a plan. Focus on the plan. Stay positive.

I WILL GO ON TO ACHIEVE MY DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS

I WILL NOT GAMBLE AGAIN

I WILL NOT LET THIS BEAT ME. I WILL STAY POSITIVE, FOCUS ON MY EXIT STRATEGY DAY BY DAY AND DO THE BEST FOR MY FAMILY AND MYSELF

I WILL NOT LOSE MY FAMILY, MY HOME OR MY JOB OVER THIS

I WANT TO CARRY MORE THAN THE 'MAKES ME FEEL BETTER READING THIS' EFFECT - I WANT TO STAND FOR ALL THOSE LIKE FEEL LIKE ME TODAY - LOST, LONELY, UNCERTAIN OF THE FUTURE AND GIVE THEM A GLIMMER OF HOPE WHEN THEY NEED IT MOST

I WILL BE BACK HERE IN 5 YEARS TIME TO POST A MESSAGE WHICH REFLECTS THE ABOVE.

Thanks to all who candidly share their horrific experiences related to this powerful addiction/illness. Yes, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone - if I felt truly alone in all this I probably would just do myself in. Also the inspiring stories of recovery give me something to hold on to. I vow when I'm better in 5 years time I'll be back... Ready and available for anyone who needs me.

nb - I will check back here daily to look for solace and inspiration from others. It is day 2 today - a sinking feeling overwhelmed me as it starts to set in what I have done. My wife knows something is up and is trying to be supportive. I have been absent towards my son last few days and now he won't settle in my arms. He just wants his mum - maybe he's right - I'm no good. Credit cards arrived in the post that I ordered as back up finance in case I need them in the future but in a moment of clarity I cut them up.

Basically I realised that I may do this again one way or another once the dust has settled and if things don't pan out for me the way I envisage them to. I can't let this happen but realised today I am pretty much powerless when the time comes. So daily readings on this thread will act as much needed salvation for me - I will read daily whether I feel like I need the help that day or not - I'll keep my medication topped up so to speak. I need SO MUCH words, direction, reassurance from anyone out there with a big enough heart that is willing to give. I am no-one to you - as I said before I feel sub-human, but regardless - please help me. If anyone reading this has really resonated with my words and feels compelled/compassionate enough to message daily I would really appreciate that. I will read and reply daily I promise - maybe we can help each other through exchange of perspectives when we need it most.

Who am I to ask for anything... but I'm desperate and hope to god someone out there hears me before it's too late and I lose everything.

Thank you so much for taking time to read this - if you got to the end I have no doubt you are a good person and are better than this illness.

You're not alone. I feel horrible as I have lost so so so much money in total. It's really weird reading other people have too and I want to help as much as I need that help myself, I want to help.

I'm glad to hear that you had a good time in the gym. I did leg workout yesterday morning after night shift and my quads are still burning lol. No pain no gain eh. Keep up the good work mate. Congrats on 222 GF days.

Thanks for the messages guys. I really appreciate the support - going back to the gym was a big thing for me as i think it was a step out of self-loathing and self-pity and a step into self-caring.

In addition to this, last week I bought myself a cheap comb and I've actually been combing my hair before I go out in the morning :o) I know this sounds ridiculous, almost farcical to put on here, but seriously, before when in action and since entering recovery I've had no desire to attend to my personal appearance (why would you comb your hair before going to a bookie? The last thing you want to do is stand out in there and draw attention lol), again this was probably due to self-loathing and poor self-image. Now's the time to take back some pride and own it when I walk out the door! Ha ha