Need to start all over!

Hi things are fine when I am away from those places.

No gambling Friday, no ***** etc.

I cannot even go in for a flutter which do confess I did on Thursday.

I 'won' £10 on the races and dogs then all back in the machines. Why??? I did have a row with someone but thats no excuse.

So only on D2

Awayout

Good Luck Awayout ,

As Weldy says you need to build from the ground upwards , reread your diary and act on some of the advice given as your strategies seem to keep failling. Try another approach and it may help.

I think after gambling way over my head certainly I can say gambling is giving me no real pleasure or satisfaction. All it does it bring up past demons and make me feel guilty as I know it is not good for me.

At least I have reached that logical conclusion.

As a man in his mid 30s areas of my lfe have suffered no serious relationships, avoided making friends until the last couple years. Career had takena backburner or suffered when I could have excelled and move up the ladder.

When I ended up in this part time job in 2005 instead of giving up the gambling I turned to it more believing I could win the rest of the money I needed each month. Well I am a cg and could not hang onto any winnings as they were never enough and I felt myself gambling for gamblings sake....

Why am I like this I do not know? We never had much money when I was younger after parents divorced but I never went without. I was a very careful person with every pound.

I am actually financially worse off now at 35 than I was at 16!!!! due to debts... I watched a really mind opening program on telly last night about debt collection when banks sell off their bad debt I just that never happens to me!

I really justr want a clean slate and move on. I am still basically scrounging from parent to make ends meet and teh gambling is continung now and again...

If I can go the rest of the year I will have achieved something!

I don't want my talents to go to waste but I am having a 'mid -life crisis'

Would just like to be an ordinary guy with a house job and family but that has not happened for me...

One day at a time...

Awayout

Just to say I am enjoying being off the gambling again.

But it is still no way to live if I gamble 4 days a month recklessly on the roulette/horses that it still too much.

It sounds a bit sick but I still feel a need to gamble in a small way. I am doing a bit of lottery each week and nothing else. I know some people may think this is nuts but for some reason the chance of a small win is still attractive.

I know some people say complete abstinence is the only way but that is how I feel at the moment.

Awayout

Come to realisation that after all these years living each month to month and year to year gambling is no way to live.

I feel oneday gambling means nothing then still an urge of somekind to do it.

Hope to sort myself out.

I think I have been using gambling as a way of blotting out other problems - social shyness etc etc

Can only but change.

I am almost getting fed up with myself and the pattern of relapses.

The only time I stay off is when I totally limit the fuel (Money) for the fire (gambling)

I never carry a card anymore which has helped but still cash a cheque like I did today (fool) managed to buy a couple things the rest went down the drain. Fortunately relatively small recoverable amount not 'silly money' but still a d**n waste!!!

Fed up with the banks at the moment one in particular where the cashiers keep asking 'do I want a review?' when they see my 4 figure overdraft.

I have already done that and there is no way they can help me guess they are trying to plug credit or loan if they can. But I keep having to say no I have had one already and there is nothing than can be done to ease the situation.

What they don't know at least the staff who haven't reviewed my financial mess is that their overdraft is the smallest of my debts.

But I fouind it quite rude for the staff member to flash my credit statement at me with -**** 'what about a review because of this?' surely if a overdraft has been authorised it is none of their d**n business to push like this! Maybe they are just being helpful - pushing other financial products more like.

Particularly embarrassing as I know one of the staff members when she siad this!!!

Anyway made a sharp exit - all the last review did was made me realise my extent of the debt and dive them more of my financial mess details..I gained nothing...

I was withdrawing at the time, but I cant help staff member was being nosey when she was eyeing up my negative balance when flashing my balance at me on a balance slip I did not ask for....

Cant wait to pay off the next chunk slowly at this bank and stop the annoying questions....

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

If you have an organisation like payplan or cccs to manage your debts it may help. They can negotiate freezing of interest and reduced payments.

One payment to them and they distribute to your creditors. Whilst it does mean no more current account and check book and access to high street credit for a period of time.. is that such a bad thing? have a basic bank account for your wages d/d's etc (not with any bank you have debts with).

It may take the debt pressure off.. and help with managing urges to gamble. Though I must admit when you say "I am almost getting fed up with myself and the pattern of relapses." ... this suggests to me that your still leaving the door open to more gambling. Anyway i wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. keep yourself safe as best you can.. S.A

Hi Awayout

You once said to me that I should not read your diary ...

However I cannot sit by and watch a good person throw away their life with this habit. I have your best interests at heart. Please read through your diary and ask yourself some honest questions. Do you really want to give this up or are you not fed up enough with your relapses.

You can do it if you get real with yourself.

Take care

Steve E

Yes I am fed up with the relapses this year.

I think at time I have been using the debt as an 'excuse' to gamble more saying to myself ' I have nothing to lose when in face I have everything....

This has been shown time and time again and just recently having my mum help bail me out. Not properly paying back because of the financial mess I am in.

Well I have had enuff. A win is never enough for a compulsive gambler, and losses are chased £10 becomes a £100 deposit then £1000 before you know it all your overdraft and overdraft 'cushion' has gone (what the bank allows you to have).

Taking out 3 overdrafts, 2 loans, a credit card and in the end the large consolidation loan are the worse decisions I have ever made in my life. As was the decision to gamble on the roulette machines in the first place and perhaps even place my first wager...

All credit was taken out to clear the gambling debt and start again. But all I have done is made the situation worse....and use credit to gamble with again.

I don' t know why but in the last few months say Jun-August I have slipped into needing bail outs about 4 times in effect stealing my mum's money.

She cannot afford this. At the moment I cannot afford to pay back and all she wants is for me to stay off the gambling.

I relapsed yesterday having joined a new online company spending £140 I cannot afford. As soon as I can I will put gamblock in place. I should be able to do it tomorrow (no funds at mo) can someone check I have done it then...

For a short time I believed I could survive without a blocking program but I just slowly slip back in. I know if there is a will you can still find a way of getting round it but the reminder still helps.

Maybe what has slowly led me back to online gambling on absolute rubbish (mainly virtual horse racing and casino) is entering the bookies again spending the odd fiver far too frequently. With only that to spend.

Then coming home thinking wouldn't it be nice to win big online again. Forgetting I have won 1000s before only to lose it all and my own money....

Heres to day one Thursday 6 August. Can I ever quite for good I do not know but I need to try again!

AWAYOUT

Hi Awayout

Never give up giving up.

Be proud that you keep coming back here and are sharing your experiences and difficulties with this addiction.

I will check with you tomorrow to make sure you have put gamblock back on your pc. Also, take some passport pictures to the bookies you go to and self exclude. That way you are putting up barriers to make it harder for yourself to have a bet.

Also, get your Mum to help. Give her your bank cards and ask her to give you just enough money for you to live off.( I never carry any more then £10 with me and that only if I know I have to spend it on something. I do have my bank cards back now, but I usually leave them at home.)

It will give her a bit more of piece of mind knowing that you are doing everything in your power to stop gambling.

All the best

God Bless

Charly

hi awayout

As you know i have followed your progress since i first came on this site. I can honestly say it saddens me to see you time after time struggle. Reminds me of myself about a year ago. You are a decent person and need to rid yourself of this addiction before it completley destroys you. Do anything you can that you feel would help you, getting gamblock would be a great start for you and work your recovery from there. Not the best at giving advice, but i have the experience of hitting rock bottom because of gambling, im slowly sorting myself out in terms of non-gambling and the world suddenly looks a much brighter place and im doin things now i would never have done whilst in the grip of this terrible addiction. YOU CAN DO IT, NEVER GIVE IN!

neil

Hi Awayout,

You have determination my friend, I'm glad you are still here still posting and wan't to quit, I'm sure you will, looking back i was like you for years, i struggled to quit but so wanted to. Keep fighting, keep posting, and hopefully one day soon the nightmare will end, it can end, and wherever you are in your recovery you still have my support.

green x

Thanks for posting on my diary awayout. I want to comment on something you posted:

"I have had plenty of chances to bank sizeable sums but have found as I have become more and more addicted is all I want is the action. If I win then I just think I can do it again. Sometimes you do but eventually the so called 'luck' will run out.

That is why the casinos and bookmakers can never lose as they know you will be back for more action and eventually you will give them a more than tidy profit...:("

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I think the addiction is not the reason why the bookies can never lose, it is actually the reson why you continue to lose more and more. The true reason why the bookies can never lose is simple scientific fact: the house edge. The 0/00 in roulette means that you always have less than 50% chance of winning on any bet. This is known as the "house edge" and features in all casino games. Online poker has something similar called the "rake". In all cases, the gambling house would not be operating if it were possible for anyone to make a profit out of them in the long run. It is impossible. No-one has EVER devised a system that could make a profit from a roulette machine over a billion-hand computer simulation. It simply can't be done.

However, despite all these facts, the compulsive addiction cries out to you and you think: "OK, so it's impossible to win in the long run, but I can make a killing in the short run if I get lucky. Remember the other day when I trebled the money I put in in just half an hour..."

These thoughts, as well as the desperation of chasing losses, is what draws us back time and time again. You have to take time out and look at yourself to see what it is exactly that draws you back to the machines (is it having an argument with somebody, having a fixed income etc.).

One way or another, I hope we can beat this addiction together. If you learn from these bad experiences and manage to withdraw yourself from gambling, it could be the "Luck"iest thing that ever happens to you in your life.

Be strong,

SGL

I agree SGL the bookies have the edge over time and the addiction means you will go back for more action eventually losing. Nice to have another recovery friend here on the gamcare site!

I made a good move today I installed a new gambling blocking filter! I have been fooling myself for a couple years that I could be safe without it. Did have one before but it ran out! Betfilter was suggested as one of them and it works great.

A great relief I can no longer gamble online. A realisation I am changing for the better I pray!

Awayout

Congratulations on installing betfilter. The commitment is certainly there, just keep it up.