Need to start all over!

Yes you are right I am ina a dark place.

My mum is being supportive and all I seem to do is lie to myself and relapse..

Was tempted to gamble today but did not. But I am weak and I do not trust myself with money. I also have never had a higher up job with responsibility.

I always end up in the lower stsus jobs lately maybe the gamnling is ruining my self esteem etc

Anyway Day 1 again today

Dont know why Christmas is such a testing time for me.

Only the last couple years have I sought to gamble over the Christmas period.

I was a couple thousand up but now all that has gone and I am to my hilt again in debt. The usual effect from the yo-yo cycle of gambling.

I really don't want to live like this anymore. But I seem to always cheat myself by going back to my old ways. This is obviously a sign not only am I weak willed in trying to give up the gambling I am also still addicted to the roulette.

Lots of people say it should be easy. I think for me it has to be a case of all or nothing....

I thought I was protected this Christmas but access to debt funds in overdraft etc was there and I reached for it in the stressful times at Christnas.

But I know it is not only Christmas but throughout the year I reach out to gambling as a thing which relieves stressful situations but it only leads to more stress.

Now I am struggling financially again and will have to ask parent for help. I have not had to do this for some time so feel bad.

I have a stinking cold which I think has been bought on by the relapses....

Anyway one day at a time. I failed once again to give up so must start again.

Hi Awayout

With all due respects to you the best thing you could do is not ask your parents for help and sort the mess out yourself. You might just start taking your life seriously. I know this sounds harsh but you parents will not bail you out forevermore.

You also stated earlier that you feel you can make money out of this game!!

This is incredible as a few posts later you are talking about borrowing money. It's up to you and in your hands but you must get real and start taking yourself seriously and your place in this world.

Please keep posting as I'm sure you'll get there it just needs someone to get you thinking in the right direction.

Take care

Steve E

Hi Stevey & all & myself

I don't think your addiction Stevey could have been as entrenched as mine is.... to find it incredible that someone who is addicted gets urges to gamble after so long as it is a habit. Many people have lost money here and still been tempted to gamble with the voices 'you can win if you try again'

I don't understand why you would find this so incredible when there are so many real stories on here where people have the urge to gamble again after relapses and can 'still win at gambling'

I know it may sound ludicrous to any logical normal person after losing so much money and being in debt from gambling that one can win.

I am just making crystal clear the thoughts going through my head at the time of the urges to gamble. The pull of thinking I can have that one big win is still there....

I do want to get better though so do not think I do not.

I am planning on having a much better year.

In fact I do not find anything anyine says here 'harsh' as I have beaten myself up enough about the guilt of borrowing money. Being in debt from gambling and feeling like **** all because of the habit of gambling excessively

At the moment I am not gambling. I cannot afford to gamble!!!

Hi Awayout

You now say you cannot gamble because you cannot afford it. Follow this logic through and ask yourself why you cannot gamble?

All I am trying to do is make you think logically. I am guilty of these thoughts but it's how I act on them that counts. You will get there but it has to come from you not anyone else. Keep going matey, I'm with you 100%.

Take care and I won't stop nagging until you do get there.

All the best

Steve E

Hi Stevey

Thanks for your support. I have read your diary also and see you have had to struggle with this 'terrible illness/addiction' yourself.

Sorry if I was sensitive as I have relapsed and am going through a tough time.

Will try to post more good or bad times. It seems to be working for you.

Awayout

Hello Awayout,

I've been reading your diary and i can relate alot to what your saying. Stevey is being quite blunt at times but i think he's trying to get you to see sense. Having said that you are probably quite fragile at the minute after them losses. You know you probably beat yourself up enough and dont need other people beating you up. If you can try and stay positive and look upwards will help your mood somewhat, In my eyes gambling in a way is entertainment and entertainment does cost money. Unfortunately with gambling there is no upper limit to what you can lose. Mind you when your losing money its not quite so entertaining is it? Stay strong awayout. All the best. Paul

Keep posting Awayout. This is your priority if you really want to beat this aweful affliction. MAybe I was being a little blunt but sometimes we need to hear it as it is. It did the trick for me and now I'm in a space where I thought I'd never be. Go on to Netline they'll help you immensely.

Take care

Steve E

hi mate

hope you are keeping well.some posts can be quite harsh eh,had a few myself but find they help and i like the way people take the time to leave coments and try to help.but your way is the best way and wishing you all the very best for 2009 and in your recovery.

Hello Awayout,

I hope you havent had another relapse? you havent been on for a while. Keep posting and stay strong.

Pauly

Hi diary! (and everyone)

Happy New Year. I think I need to say why I have kept away from diary. I felt a bit ashamed of myself using up my bank overdraft again and spending bill money for January when I had done so well to start taking responsibility again.

You will be pleased to know I have not had any damaging relapses in the New Year but I admit to buying the odd lottery ticket and scratchcards in January I do not know why??? Being in debt again an excuse to gamble??

Good news: Feeling poor so I set my mind to earning a few bob honestly/businesswise and was enough to pay this month's bills with earnings. I had asked mother for a bail out but have taken responsibility and put my head down and earnt the money. So now the pressure/urge to gamble is much less and I feel much better I have not needed a handout from a loved one because of gambling again.

Times are tough in the UK economy at the mo.Now my head is clear again it made me thhink how stupid I have been wasting 1000s and 1000s of pounds which could now be a nice nest egg for a rainy day/tough times.

The money has gone but I think the guilt will always be there for the money I have wasted and will have to pay off in future (because of gambling debt) and the damage to loved ones and the stress I have caused them and continue to coz of the mistrust and lack of money....

Must look to a brighter future that is all I can do....

AWAYOUT

Hi Awayout

That's all any of us can do. One day at a time we can look to a brighter future.

Hope you settle down into a very long period of stability in your life. We have forever but don't think about it!

Take care

Steve E

I am owning up have relapsed again few 100 which was meant to be put aside.

Cheated myself and others I love as I promised I was only going to check my balance with the my card they gave back and ended up spending the lot. Going back to cashpoint three times yesterday.

I am having to be 'bailed out' which I hate and I realise that I had not intended to gamble whenI had originally set off. I am clearly not strong enough to have my own cards yet I need someone with me.

Embarrassing as that sounds it is the only way to protect myself. It is amazing how you lie to yourself. Apparently I hsd 'gritted teeth' when asking for the card. Probably has even convinced myself I was not going to gamble.

What I find a problem is how one moment I can feel so strong as a recovering gambler then find myself doing the exact things (gambling) I did not set out to do.

It is a scary thing to think I will only have paid all the debt racked up by gambling in just over 8 years time at the rate I can currently afford to pay. I will be 43 years old!!!!

That is if I do not find a better job and continue to add to the current situation I am in by continual gambling.

What a fool I have been all these years to let the bookies take all my money and put me so far in the red.

I realise I will probably get critcism for putting myself under temptation again by having the card. I seriously thought though I was going to be strong enough....

AWAYOUT

Hi Awayout

Please, please, please put some barriers in the way. It's not failsafe but it will help until you get a little stronger.

Shut the doors now.

Take care

Steve E

Thanks for advice. My barrier is letting someone be there with me if I ever use my card again

Online I have no access to gambline as no online cards.

Feeling really drained from this whole episode.

AWAYOUT