Need to start all over!

Just need to remind myself one of my triggers is people remining me I have 'failed' in my career..

I graduated in languages 13 years ago and despite going for many jobs have never quite passed the last hurdle. It just gets tougher every year.

People who are not searching for jobs after a long time of graduating do not realise how tough it is out there at the moment.

I will be doin OK then someone not to well connected saya neighbour will remind me a by saying 'surely you could be doing such and such with your qualifications'.

Well they don't realise this makes me feel down as I have tried but it is tough when you are not one of the lucky ones who have got the breakafter graduation.

I admit I got too cosy at home. I saved a lot of money in 5 years after graduating. Well its all gone due to gambling. I can't just up sticks..

I made a mistake not going for more jobs when fresh out of uni. Being a language degree you do get rusty after 13 years! There is also more competition year on year with fresh graduates which employers seem to prefer!

It sometimes makes me feel like I wish had never gone to uni as people are always saying I could do better! Yes I only work in a shop on a low wage but I could be unemployed. I have never been unemployed look at the positives I tell myself.

It does make me feel down when this keeps happening. I do not want argument s with neighbours etc so I end up leaving the conversation like they might be right. Have these people though who are 'lecturing me' have never graduated themselves and have never even had a proper career, (ie raising kids)

No I am not saying that is not tough bringing up kids but they don't seem to realise what it is like for a mid 30s year old man out there. Who has been trying to look for better work last 5 years and perhaps has deciding using that degree may not be the thing!!!

probably also don't realise I have been taken over by gambling addiction last ten years and am dealing with that let alone the career!

Awayout

hi awayout

You seem very sensitive, and worry about how others see you. concentrate on yourself and if people dont like you, then sod them. nobodys life is perfect and these neighbours etc probally all have life issues. you seem a nice person to me, and never being out of work is a great achievement for starters. You have been dealt this life, live it. Being a compulsive gambler makes us very humble people, and probally let people talk and treat us differently than if we were`nt. I know i do/did, because i felt worthless, and that everyone else was better than me. that is not the case.

take it easy on yourself and try not let people talk to you in a way you dont like.

take care.

neil

Hi Awayout,

I always thought we had a great deal in common besides gambling.

I graduated in the last recession in the early 90's. I did not have the confidence to apply for what i saw (back then) as "proper jobs". I instead took a panicky decision to be a live in community service volunteer working with and supporting an elderly disabled man. This led to a decade long odessey into the world of social care and challenging needs.. None of those jobs required me to have a degree.

I also carried this deeper level feeling that I had somehow "failed" not just in work but as a person as a human being. My thinking for all those years had been that my whole identity and sense of self was wrapped up with what I did as a job. A "solicitor" a "doctor" a "teacher" an "accountant" or me being a "care worker".

My addiction loved this thinking and the older i got the more despondant and depressed I got that i wasnt doing anything to change my job. Eventualy it brought me to my knees to my personal rock bottom and then i didn't work at all for two years.

What i realise now through all my trials and tribulations is that I am more than the sum total of what i do as a job. I have different ways in which I build up my self-esteem and writing on here is a part of that, helping myself and am sure helping others to. I also get healthy self-esteem from my running and exercise and i get a certain satisfaction from knowing that it is me that has brought myself back from almost being a broken spirit to someone who is forward looking and much more positive.

I think like me, if you really want to change your job you can but you may decide you dont want to and thats ok to. We are all more than the sum total of what we do as a job. And what i do know for sure is that escaping int gambling don't make things better.

All te best.. sorry for rambling on a bit.. its just that your thoughts really struck accord with me.. S.A 🙂

Thankyou uplifted my spirits.

I realise that I do hate my 'gambling life/past' and I can't change the past. Gambling has spoiled my life for so long although maybe the life experience will make me a better person!

Really nice to hear someone else who has been through the career low self esteem etc SA. Although I would not wish it on anyone. Must be real tough for those trying to find jobs at mo so must be grateful for what I have.

As to annoying people yes I try to think 'sod you' but am quite crummy at sticking up for myself as I suppose my self esteem is quite low. I am just going to try and get on with what I want to do and ignore the gip.

Want to really cut out the gambling completely in bookies as gambling now would just lead to more stress.

Awayout

I have just relapsed in the bookies. Yesterday I lost £80.00.

Today I made some excuse for myself to withdraw £300 for a bill. Well £240 was lost on the roulette machines after work today and a further £780 from winnings on the machines I could have pocketed, but instead went back on the machines after collecting all that cash.

That makes a loss of £320 this week and if you include the winnings well over a 1k.

I started feeding the machine £20s from the winnings after saying I was not going to lose it all! I walked out with about enough for a phonecall. Well I confessed I had enough to staff. I requested the self-exclusion form (at last) and plan banning myself from all other branches in local area etc.

I think to be honest even if I walked out with the £800 profit I would have been in another day. Causing more worry to relatives also by staying late after work and eventually losing it all and more besides as we all know!

I didn't really have a lot of feeling or remorse after losing the £800 of so called 'winnings' just a feeling of numbness, stupidity, quietness and calm.

Well I have had enough and I do not give a xxxx what people who know me from the bookies may think of me. I plan the full 5 years exclusion from all betting establishments in the area.

I think we all reach our limits and I have had it I fooled myself into thinking I could control my betting in the bookies but with the pull of the roulette machines that is an impossible task.

I will let you all know when those forms go out.

Awayout

Just completed first self-exclusion form and printed passport size photos with computer so much less cost. Enough photos for all the bookies in the area.

Will hand in first one tomorrow will do the rest the weekend. Really looking forward to completing this vital step to my recovery.

The staff members were really nice about the form etc; saying I could come back later that night and hand in. Maximum is five years that is what I intend to do.

Hope I don't try and test myself by going back in, hope it works.

I am sure I will feel the itch to bet in the future but this could protect myself for quite a few years to come...

I see staying out of the bookies and online as the only way not getting further in debt and causing more stress.

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Am sure you will feel the itch to gamble when you walk in to self-exclude.. I know I would. But if the ammunition is not lurking in your pocket then there is not much you can do about it.

Well done on talking these further positive steps to stop yourself gambling.Regards. S.A 🙂

Thanks for support SA was interested to read your story.

Your problem was with the machines as well albeit arcade ones.

It seems even a 'good win' of 100s of pounds is never enough. I was going to walk off with the money then a chap encouraged me to just go in with a fiver each again.

Lost. Won a little by myself. Then ended up on another machine with that big wad feeling quite 'the man' thinking I would never lose that much.

Well started small then I was up to £48 a spin before I knew it the wad was gone and I was back to my ''emergency money' I had set aside until that had gone as well. Also with one of the usual audience watching you lose and thinking they know it all and then on the machine after they have just watched you lose.

I should not have been weak willed and walked off with the win. But I was on that high when you just feel invincible. VERY DANGEROUS.

A couple of people I know quite well locally (gamblers) saw me pick up the win, but not the loss so I will have to contend with it if they mention that as I work locally also.

Going through that embarassing process of handing in my exclusion form to this favourite of my haunts today. Armed with my photos I intend to exclude from all my local favourites. I work locally so a bit of a shamer but sure it will more than pay for itself in a couple years when I actually see my debts go down!

Awayout

A real sense of relief today after my downer on Wednesday.

I have excluded from the 3 major bookies in my area and plan more. Feels great that I am effectively barred from my 'favourtite haunts' in local area and their immediate branches.

Should help in my recovery. Was quite empowering admitting my problem and staff v helpful.

My question to myself is why did I not do this years ago...

Anyone thinking about it my advice is go for it!

Awayout

Hi Awayout

Sounds like you have finally had enough of doing the same thing and geting the same results. Everyone's path is different. This isn't a definate solution to your/our problem but it buys you something very important Time. With this you can evaluate where you're at and rationalise your thoughts of gambling. There are no right or wrong ways to do this but this works for most. A big step for you in the right direction.

Take care and keep posting. No need to suffer any more.

Steve E

Hi Day 3 since my last relapse in bookies.

I don't know why got some mad idea about drawing out some of the little I have left in my overdraft and travelling to another town to gamble.

However, have the self-exclusion thing in place here which has given me the time to think. If I did this and relapsed again there would be no funds to last to end of month. I have already proven that I cannot take any decent win.

Win one day and it all goes back that day or another = there is no point in gambling anymore. They say you should never gamble to 'make money'. That has certain been the case for me. Whatever I have won they have had back and many times more. The only way I can win is stay off long term....

Feeling a bit better now having got this off my chest. Have a couple things to do which will help. Looking at other ways ie hardwork to get my debt down.

Hope everyone is having a good day doing other things and booky/online free. I still feel a very slight urge to buy just a lottery ticket to prove to myself you cannot win...

Best to be honest to myself that is what I will probably do. But the exclusion is goin to work wonders I am sure

Awayout

Just to say already D5 off the terminals.

I think without the exclusion I may already have gone back in especially the weekend

I did go on the lottery. But I can cope with that as long as the FOBTs in under control and bookies.

It has gone through my head many times 'what I could have done with that win'. I keep telling myself it went back in 10 minutes later and that is what I would have done eventually and more.

Basically the FOBTs is a magnified example of what I have been doing with all my funds on gambling albeit in a shorter space of time. In about an hr I won £800 from £200 and in the next 20 mins lost the 'win' and the stake. I have basically been doing that over time for the last ten years....

Awayout

Hi! I don't know if it is just the weather or what but feeling the withdrawal symptoms today.

Feeling a bit down when I should not as I am doing better by staying out of bookies and online.

Do admit I am buying lottery/scatch cards a bit lately. Nothing as bad as FOBTs but it could add up if I keep buying them and I don't want to swap one addiciton for another. Trouble is you cannot get away from the crossed two fingers they are everywhere.

I may be feeling a bit down as I could now have done with all my cash I through away after the big win I had in the bookies. I had a couple big bills go out so next month things are about static as regards knocking the debt down.

Debt should slowly go down if I dont do too much lottery. I dont know if anyone else swapped onto lottery after stopping bookies/online??? Maybe I am asking for trouble. I used to purchase lottery with no problems. Not sure if it sensible given my financial and emotional state due to the FOBTs/Roulette???

Any way nearly week without a foot in the bookies. I think if I can carry this on to Christmas will show some myself I can do this

Awayout

Trouble is you cannot get away from the crossed two fingers they are everywhere

I manage it by not buying tickets in a raffle that you have 14million to one chance of winning. When I bought lottery tickets I spent all the time dreaming and running scenarios through my head. It distorted my day to day living severely. Everytime you feel like buying tickets put just £1 in a jar. It will soon mount up more than you will win.

However it is your choice!!

Take care

Steve E

Hi Stevey

I have given up on the dream of the 14 million to one.

However I have found myself start doing the hotpicks regulary where you can pick less numbers 1, 2 , 3 , 4 with a bigger payout than you would normally get from less numbers and a bigger chance of a win .

Once I had the pick 3 come up 2 years ago = £450 first time I played which always seems to be at the back of my mind. Better than the £10 you normally get... I am not trying to encourage anyone else to do the lottery mind you...

You are quite right though it is if you are lucky. I have to watch myself and I know I would more than likely be better off putting the £1 in a jar. Also I need to watch myself that I am not buying several each time instead of buying one or two.

I have hardly had a win since. It also brings back memories of that losing feeling each time I check my numbers... I do find myself felling a sort of excitement when I buy a ticket, like you see on many peoples' faces when they buy them.

I know it seems silly to do this and I similarly find myself deaming and my mind a bit distorted. What I might do is just buy them put them away and check at end of year so it is not my life...

I do find if I watch the draw, check my numbers and feel the disappointment each time it is doing me no good. So I might just 'teach myself a lesson' by seeing you cannot win after a year then I might give that up too...

I think this is helping me a bit rather than thinking about the FOBTs all the time

Awayout