Need to start all over!

Thanks for your message SA

I have had only one slip in March 2012 which I am still fairly proud about.

Was just looking back at my bank statement for last year and this time last year I was gambling online losing in the end as usual.

I have had to come off that diary where they keeping record of people who are totally gamble free as I have had the one slip in an arcade. But overall I am doing much better.

It seems only total abstinence - from all shapes and forms of gambling is helping me. I have turned a corner.

Feel particularly proud of staying off all lottery products as I think that was keeping me in gambling mode all the time and often leading to heavier more destructive forms of gambling.

Now I could not give a hoot if my 'lucky numbers' come up on the hotpicks for the sake of £450. Yes I know I might feel a glimpse of joy at winning but we know where it all goes..more gambling,,, more disappointment more losses and self destruction.

Guess I had not been posting as a bit ashamed of that one slip. But then I bounced back and can see where I am at compared to the darker places other times..

So nice to be able to have a good nights sleep now not thinking of gambling all the time. Some way to go but getting there..

Awayout

Hi Awayout.. staying off the lottery products when you have to sell them as part of your job is positive. Like you say staying off all forms of gambling is the way forward.. progress being made matey. We are all a work in progress. regards.. S.A

I need to confess on here.

Have been lapse in posting in my diary. Over the last few weeks I have popped in to an Amusements in nearby town.

I am not going into the ins and outs in detail but I won JP on two machines in arcade and now nearly lost the lot. I know I should have never been in the place in the first place, a win for a recovering gambler is a very dangerous place.

I did intend to be careful and use the money to get a bit of debt down. But as usual a loss ALWAYS follows a 'win'. It is never a win as we all know.

These gambling slips in the arcade are getting me nowhere.

I know my debt will go down if I DO NOT gamble. Simple as it sounds my gambling will go down if I do not gamble.

Cant believe I lost this £750 which I was unfortunate to win the last few weekends. They have just made these adult amusement section in the arcade 24/7 as well which is hell on earth for a gambler.

My only solution not to go to this particular town again. It is simply not safe

Need to post more frequently. I am frightened that despite the blocks in place I have in bookies/online etc I will still find a a way to gamble if I am not strong enough.

The warning signs were all there, feeling lousy with a viral cold for 2 weeks, lousy weather and something telling me not to chase more money for that elusive £500 JP which I did not listen to. Also lousy week at work and a lot of stress recently.

Like the typical gambler/recovering gambler I am making excuses The warning signs were there but somehow the will to gamble and chase a loss was stronger than to stop.

I hope I am never that weak again. Will not be visiting that town rest of year with any cards/much money in my pocket ever again.

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and never underestimate the power of regular posting to this forum in anyone's recovery.

I was away from the forum a long time, pretty fair assessment that I wasn't keeping to the right path during that time.

Look forward to the future and forget the past, starting over is the right decision.

Weldy

Hi Awayout

Thank you for your post in my diary.

I too relapsed after 4 months gambling free. I believe the reason was complacency. I wasn't with Gamcare at the time I gave up last August. I was so sure I could give up through willpower alone. Well, after losing £30k in less than 3 months during my relapse, I realised that willpower alone was not going to do it. I needed help. So here I am and this time there will be no complacency.

I am trying to use all the tools available to help me in my recovery, self-exclusion, no easy access to cash, blockers on my pc etc. Now, if I get urges, I have made it virtually impossible for myself to act on them. That makes me feel safe... and in a way, gives me strength.

I hope that you too can make full use of the tools available to us.

Thanks once again and best wishes to you in your recovery.

Thanks for the support.

I feel self loathing and don't feel I deserve any sympathy at the moment I am just lamenting over the money. I have been off gambling quite a lot this year so I had the funds to pay off my credit card again.

However, I can't help mourning the loss of the money which would have been helping get my most immediate debt down (large overdraft).

Particularly poignant at the mo as I want to get rid of my immediate debts (several thousand) as I want to be able to jump ship at work if it gets unbearable.

Anyway back to the hardwork and drawing board to try and get the debt slowly down again.

It is likely my hours are going to be cut at work due to less overtime available so I will have to be extra vigilant.

I know that if I did what I did before and stay 100% off gambling for the rest of the year at least my immediate debts will go with just one long term loan left! Strange I took that risk to go gambling and lose which I did when there was no need...

I know I must forget about the loss and move on as it is the only way - and get back to normality in my life.

Here is to a new day (3rd gamble free again)

Awayout

Had a close call yesterday with the 7.1 million pound lottery rollover and it was a misersable day.

Also this week had to work with someone I find particularly hard to work with who suffers with depression and expects everyone to be at their beck and call. I akways get it in the neck from that and they make me feel like I am accountable to them 'where do you think you are going/doing?' when I have other job to try and get done and they are no higher in rank..

Case of too many chiefs and not enough Indians in our workplace and there is virtually no team work everyone seems to try and avoid the customer facing role I am in, some are rude to me in front of customers when I need assistance. Everyone seems to work as individuals HATE today's workplace (retail). Got to get out of retail...

Although I sympathise with their illness it is effecting my mental state as I have other jobs to do and they always seem to direct their moaning at me to get their way at work with the supervisors etc who I guess are scared they are going to do another sickie if they don't comply.

This in a way is a form of bullying I guess... I am getting moaned up for almost no reason other than this other colleagues impatience and the management siding with them. Eveything that I mention which is to the book they go against,. One little thing this colleague mentions (often quite petty) I get a rollicking from her because she is snappy and then the higher up people join in.

This is partly due to inexperienced young supervisor in charge when we have no proper manager but we are getting one soon..

I can see myself being used as the scapegoat if I am not careful when we get the new manager. I get spoken to like a kid like this person when I am 38 and they are seven years older.. yet I have better qualifications etc although not much to show for it as this person sees it. Same thing happens with the young supervisor 21 who sides with this older person...

Sorry to go on I have to get it off my chest. Hate work at the moment and would have been easy to go back to the lottery greed machine but I did not..

Guess the last relaspe has not helped my mood. But I am more determined than ever not to be walked over anymore..

I need to be gamble free rest of year and then I think I ill be on track..

So looking forward to having no debt in a few years time and a better career. I need a decent full time job..

Awayout

Hi awayout.. hope it helped to get your work stress down in type. As with you I need new employment but thats easier said than done isn't it. If i could go back in time I don't think i'd of done a degree.. it hasn't helped me and I don't even put it on my Cv anymore. I will be happier when i find a job that doesn't send my stress levels sky rocketing on a regular basis. Of course it would be nice to earn more money but as i get older all i really want is peace of mind.

Well done for keeping away from the lottery. All the best.. S.A 🙂

Just dropping in my diary as I have not posted in May so far and want to keep myself on the straight and narrow pathway.

No relapses I can report, had the stress of a change of management etc at work but just starting to get use to it. That was a tough time in last couple weeks. Happens every time we get new management..

I have to confess to the purchase of lottery tickets again and one scratchcard albeit only on Saturday but have not been back to the arcade since handing them back all that money.

Feeling quite happy although on paper I have a deficit amount of money (like the UK economy). This is because I have got another debt virtually paid off. I owe on paper just one consolidation loan which was ten years and is now 5.5 years worth to pay off. Then I should be back to zero..

The hardest part was trying to pay off a credit card and two overdrafts simultaneously and trying to keep the interest down. Not easy on a low wage.. But I also used my initiative but the Golden Goose so to speak has recently died so purse strings tightening once more.

Had a Spring look at my overdraft accounts and was shocked by the amount I had already forked out in account fees , overdraft usage fees and overdraft interest monthly.(we're talking about 2k over the last few years). On my low wage this just has to stop. This money theoretically could have been saved towards paying off my larger loan but in reality I was stuck in a cycle of debt and low wage to be able to get out of it. ALL caused by gambling might I add. From being a sensible saver with quite a nice nest egg having saved up since leaving uni in 1996 to 2005 and in 2007 having a 26k debt. Not so good...

Once I get these overdraft fees and account fees under control I can concentrate on saving a little money each month and God willing paying my large consolidation loan remainder (just under 11k).

Does not help that my hours have recently been cut by the new management. How these people expect you to live I do not know.

So basically I am feeling more able to cope and my mind more rational than it was when gambling was in control.

It is hard to convince others in my family that my control is better and they even talk about not trusting me with any money as they still think I would blow it on gambling. I can understand that but I know I have come a long away. I think the trust issue will never be quite as it was..

Awayout

Just keeping popping in as I need this in my life right now.

Had a hellish week in the workplace end of last week with new management being quite overbearing with a relatively small incident. Really must not only keep looking and networking for new jobs but apply for more also and get my CV up to date.

Feeling a little low with the weather etc and the thought of being 38 near the big 4 0 well seems quite old though I know it is not. With basically nothing to show for all the work I have done in my life no house, flashy single no children etc; but as I know from some of the true stories here it could be much worse. I am relatively healthy have a few good family and friends and I am mentally stable which I was not before when the gambling was in control.

Money should not be on my mind as much as it is. Feel quite pleased I have worked and scraped enough to get half my debts down since starting this diary around 2008. Getting slightly better with money with a better attitude. Before I was literally throwing it away. Now I see the £1 left over in my change is important I can save it etc;

Still a long way to go on the money front and had a set back with my income recently so a good time to be at knowing I can live more within my means now. I should not be but am quite envious of those with well paid jobs and in some respects they can dig themselves out of the hole their in much quicker.

I am a good stage though and I am glad I did not just down the bankruptcy root as I think I would still be gambling and way out of control. The debt in a way has been a wake up call to the 'old sensible me' to take action and put the brakes on gambling and blocks in place.

Anyone reading this I have to say put the blocks in place ASAP that is the first stage in helping to have a breather from gambling.

I am not going to worry too much about my job although I need the money. I will do my best but admit to feeling 'burnt out' by a crappy job dealing with some rude members of the public and poor mangement and not enough support over 7 years. Time to move on I think. But, I need an income and to get this debt hanging over me paid off.

This can be done perhaps earlier than the 65 months left duration of the loan if I can save up etc and would be quicker if I find a better job. I can't risk just quitting and teh debt piling up again...

Awayout

Things are going OK.

Only thing that is not good is basically being stuck in a low paid job on minimum wage when I have a degree.

I know I am still fortunate to have a job and I try not to be 'envious' of my peers who I see have a lot more materialistically because they have better paid jobs. Of course a certain proportion of my situation is that my gambing habit has made me poor when I should not be.

All I can take from the havoc that gambling has caused me is that I might learn from the experience and become a better person: satisfied with what I do have and no need to gamble. I do not want to lose all my ambition though. It is so easy to have your energies sapped by gambling and being broke at an age when you should begin to feel financially secure and settled for the future.

The lovely weather is cheering me up but not the work situation with too many chiefs & not enough people doing the work gets to me. There are some very lazy people getting away with murder in the workplace while they get paid more than the people doing the real work and keeping a company going.

Here's not to having to worry about money so much!

Awayout

Hi awayout, have not read your whole thread, but just want to say keep at it and keep looking for the positives in your life, there are loads of us rooting for you, some in "better" postions and some not!

That really does not matter, what does is that you are in control of your life and not gambling, so there is hope, wishing you a blessed day and hope to read from you soon,

John

Hi Awayout.. as always I relate so closing to the "pressures" you feel in life. If it helps i'd love to be 38 instead of 40... but am not. Everybody here is a work in progress. We all have all made poor choices at one point or another or we wouldn't be here. But the thing is.. where you find yourself in life today, where I find myself in life today... its got to be a better place than when we have gambling to deal with as well.. keep working at it mate as i do the same.. regards.. S.A 🙂

P.s like ive heard others say.. its all about a shift in perspective and thinking.. looking to the positives and not focussing on the negatives. I talk to myself here just as much as offering thoughts to you.

Just dropping in to say thanks for your support.

I watching a television show the other day and was shocked to see how many people are turning to the lottery in recession. Apparently something like 6.5 billion £ spent on lottery last year. More is proportionately by poorer people on the lottery in these hard times. Obviously another tax on the poor as millionaires hardly have to bother play the lottery with such long odds..

I will think about this next time I think about buying lottery stuff..

Yes I think being positive is the key and having that different perspective than the old 'gambling me'.

You can become either the 'my cup is half full' or 'half empty' type person.

Can see a better future the way I am living now. I know things will get better. Too many wasted years, and life is pretty short when you think about it. It is all about the living a better now for a better future.

Awayout

Just dropping in and keeping myself in check.

Feeling more positive about things. Even managed to share a joke with the new manager!

The one that the other day was making me feel about an inch high.

Still thinking about money of late and ways to try and make more use of the little I do have left over each month and get the big loan I have left paid off a little earlier. But I am trying not to dwell on in, as desperation for money can be an excuse to gamble.

The loan will be paid off in 5.5 years time slowly but of course if I can save up and pay it off early I can save a lot of money are interest paid back overall.

My mood isn't great at the moment, have a sore throat and small infection down my Eustacian tube which I have had several times before. So just holding on and waiting for it to run it's course. I think stress from work could eb a factor less staff and hours but expected to get the same jobs done and the manager harping on!!

Just need to count my blessings. Things could be a lot worse. Especially when I look back to the larger debt I was in and completely consumed by gambling. Gambling now has lost most of it's power over me and I have a much stronger will,

Awayout