Need to start all over!

Hiya

Most importantly just for today, choose not to indulge in the fantasy of an easy life.

Your struggle shows just how hard this journey can be for some, I appreciate your honesty here and wish you, just for today, all the strength you need to get through it,

John

Hi Awayout.. I can empathise with all that you describe. Keep fighting to good fight as i do the same. All the best.. S.A

I am not going to get hung up on number of days but I am only day #3 today.

It is setting in what a fool I have been. I gambled last Friday in a big way in another town beginning in an arcade and then regressing to the bookies. Unfortunately for me a card I though was safe (no pin) could be used in a certain bank over the counter which was open later than usual, I went 3 times. Madness

It was just compulsive gambling I just wanted the 'action' on the machines. It is almost as if I wanted to lose so the evil could stop. By the end of the session I felt so sick.

Well here I am Monday 25 June with my good work undone financially, and somewhat mentally and now right back in my overdraft again. The mistake I made was not cutting my large overdraft back straight away as soon as I was able. I guess I just thought I could trust myself having the cushion of an overdraft of a few thousand. Now it is moreorless gone so I cannot trust myself with spare cash.

Back to the drawing board. I did fool myself and say I was going to this other town to look for shoes. I knew though at the back of my mind there was a danger of gambling. I should have stayed away. With hindsight it is easy to say. Once more this was on a week off holiday. I could have travelled part of the world with what I have gone through in the last few months.

I think the next stage is excluding myself from this other town, arcade and bookies.. it is by the sea which is also very attractive I used to love it as a kid going with my Dad etc.

Anyway as I have said to others 'the money is gone'. It is recoverable slowly and with patience as is the other money I owe on my debts.

I seem to have a real problem with gambling relapse when I have time on my hands - boredom, feeling of elation that things are getting better financially and when my routine gets broken such as week off work.

Other triggers recently seem to be the poor weather recently, feeling my life is out of control and things cannot change (so feeling down leading to gambling), family situations, visits, feeling ignored and not doing things like outings etc.

I did manage to get a few days out into the holiday with other people and no problem occurred with gambling then. The problem is when I go off my own. I seem to become like a kid in the candy shop when I go past the arcade etc. I see things very negatively and see gambling as a way to buy things (last week shoes) well it never happened and now deep in my overdraft.

I feel I have let myself down carrying certain cards etc and going to somewhere where temptation could be fulfilled even if overtly I had not gone out with the intention of gambling.

I am a bit highly strung and my personality is a bit of a yoyo recently. I have had stresses at work with some forms of bullying, lack if staff etc; but the gambling has only compounded things.

To top it all off the lottery hotpick numbers I normally do (3 numbers) came up on Wednesday and I had not bought a ticket as I was out doing other things so felt I had missed out on £450.

I did not realise until after the relapse on Friday but depsite feeling down it made me think about doing the lottery again..

It seems no gambling is good for me.

I feel such a hypocrite. I recently told my brother that my debts were getting better (they were) and now I have put myself 2 more years in paying it off.. I shall not be debt free til 2018 at this rate.

Obviously there is a chance I will be debt free sooner but only if I stop the gambling

GAMBLING====MORE GAMBLING===(WIN/LOSE)===MORE TEMPTATION AND MORE ADDICTION AND SELF DESTRUCTION (WIN/LOSE)===ALWAYS A LOSER IN THE END IF YOU GAMBLE=== AS A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER I CAN ONLY RECOVER AND BE A 'WINNER' IF I ABSTAIN FROM GAMBLING.

I prefer the word abstain as I know the temptation and the problem of gambling is always there so I have to be aware of the problem of gambling thoughts and gambling action are always there. I chose to ABSTAIN from gambling.

Awayout

June has been a very bad month for me. Generally in the year June/July is. I don't know why. Maybe the fantasy of the past hazy days of Summer triggers it from childhood lovely Summer memories etc. Maybe I somehow think gambling and winning loads of money (a fantasy of course) will make a perfect Summer. It never happens of course and just makes my Summer time worse...

This year in UK we also have suffered a lousy Summer which probably does not help feeling good with so much cloud around. Gambling has made it worse though so why do it? The big dream I guess. That is what the gambling venues are selling and it is very fake.. but the dream is still enticing why? addiction??

Feel bad that my diary is so long this is my second or third on the forums, 100s od posts yet I am still getting back into gambling from time to time. Repeating the same mistakes of deluding my self I can gamble again when things seem a bit rosier when the debt starts to go down.

Of course I just gamble and lose again in a big way === compulsive gambling. I gamble til every penny available is gone win/lose even on the odd occasion every few weeks or months on average it is too much and costly to my self esteem and life.

The only time things started getting a little better is NO gambling on ANYTHING. I gaev up for three months JAN-APRIL

Then lottery, scratchcards gambling crept back in my life then the arcade 500JP fruit machines and them recently a few times in another bookies somewhere I am not self excluded.]

Uphill struggle again. Guess it is easier to not gamble with no funds. Maybe I wanted that security of a massive loss so I could not gamble again and start the cycle again when i slowly and painfully financially recover a bit,,

am I addicted to the pain I am self inflicting on myself and stopping my life going forward?? Dont I want to move on???

I am going to self exclude from this other town and hopefully not gamble easily again.. also go into local bookies and make sure I am self excluded from this other place...

Don't want to repeat the same mistakes it is making life flat, depressing and making my life seem worthless

Awayout

HI Awayout,

Your going through it at the moment, I can relate to lots in your posts, I think I gambled sometimes to create chaos or drama in my life, I thought i had to live my life at 500 mile an hour pumped full of adrenaline, because when my life is calm and quite i wasnt comfortable because then i might have to think about me, about my life, about things i was hyding from or not dealing with.

Without question I have realised that unless I change my actions, thinking and also my emotions and address the things that drive me to gamble otherwise I will always go back to gambling because nothing is changing.... This is a slow hard painfull process but its something that I am trying to do everyday...

I wish you some clarity in your continued journey of recovery.... Twee I know but i beleive true... "If nothing changes, nothing changes !!!! "

Keep going awayout, Dont give up giving up.

Blondie 🙂 x

Hi Awayout... we have many similarities in our situations and outlook on life and the future. The gambling monster within will always work on our state of mind and convince us that further gambling could somehow be the answer.. but it never is of course. Be pre-pared next time you have time of work and yes get excluded from places you know you need to exclude from.

Like Blondie says..."if nothing changes, nothing changes".. this is true for me and for all of us who battle this insidious addiction. Keep trying... there really is no other alternative. Regards.. S.A

Thanks all.

I have come to the conclusion I must self exclude myself from these last couple haunts as I can still get there by public transport.

I wish I had had the insight to do that when I had paid my overdraft off after years of struggle. But it is easy to say that after the insidious addiciton has snared you again.. I notice the evil cycle slowly creeps up on me rather than a big hit so to speak.

Then before you know it you have been hit for six and once more the addiction is laughing in your face again - as if to say 'tricked you again, you really think you can stay away from me??' after stealing your money and self respect..

From my own experience however well you think you are doing in recovery the addiction is always there lurking ready to pounce on you. You really cannot allow the gambling an inch or before you know it you are back in the vicious cycle again...

Awayout

Hi!

Just to say I am doing quite well staying off again..

It feels you have more security in a way when you have no spare money to even think about wasting on gambling. I think my main problem is when things start to get better on the financial front (after picking and scraping the pennies together for years on end) I still cannot trust myself and have anxiety attacks about 'when' rather than 'if' the gambling urges will come and go back to feeling cr** again..

It seems from past events trying to get my overdraft down and then relapsing again heavily, that I seem addicted to the feeling of elation (things getting back on track) and then just feeling bad and ruining things again. Is this my way of saying I don't want to move on in life?? The way of staying put in a low paid job living with a parent at an older age??

I know what I am saying is quite deep but I need to address this issue otherwise I am going to live in a cycle of debt and poverty and never move on in life as I can't afford the things most men of my age have. More importantly I will never be able to support a family of my own etc. Although I dont feel ready at the moment (emotionally) anyway

This is quite deep stuff I will probably delete at some later stage.

But it is helping me today.. and making sense of my needless relapses in June. I was busy last weekend and this weekend too with overtime at work so that is at least productive to get the debt down. I think people were quite suprised I was taking the overtime (no days off) but it is helping me stay focused. Anything rather than more gambling and pain..

Unless I get a better job, it will take 5 and a half years of hard work to get the debt paid off. Looking forward to getting back to zero.

Awayout

That is why I am worried about next year when I finally become debt free.

Plans will need to be put into place so that I never, ever go down the dark route of gambling again. We just need to remember those dark days and vow never, ever to experience them again.

I have this dream of having a family of my own, perhaps this will be the huge target for me as for this you really need financial stability.

You, and all of us on here, will get back to zero once more.

As long as we all keep making the right choices.

NT

Hi Awayout... it does feel as if you, me and Nt have got quite alot in common. Men of a certain age who have not settled down with a family and are left wondering. I guess the reality is either... firstly, coming to terms with or choosing to accept that having a family is not going to happen and then choosing to take ones life in a different direction or secondly, if we do want a family of our own, then taking action to do something about it.

For me I kind of think that after all my years of caring for people with disabilities I no longer have the emotional strength to cope with children (babies.. eww lol) of my own and thats before we even start talking about the financial side of having children.

I guess as Cg's we focus alot on money. I think alot of my self-esteem or lack of is wrapped up with issues to do with money. I was certainly brought up to see money as very important.. ie the more money you have the happier you are. As with you Awayout ive always earned cr** money and ive never had a career as such but rather a series of jobs with gaps in between.

My gambling started as a response to wanting more money and the frustrations of emootionally demanding work. However I think over the years the reasons I gamble have also changed. My occasional binges I feel have become a way to "punish myself" to "beat myself up" for say my perceived lack of acheivment in the working world or my times of not being able to cope with work or alternatively and perhaps more significant my long periods of time where I don't have any close personal relationships or friendships and the loneliness that comes with that.

For me its a slow process of trying to change my thinking and change my actions and come to terms with myself and not be so d**n hard on myself!! I am better than i use to be but my journey to wholeness and happiness and contentment is very much a work in progress. We keep working at it.

I didn't really mean to go on so much but your thoughts got me a thinking. Thank you for sharing them. I hope you choose not to delete them. Onwards... S.A 🙂

Thanks for all your comments/input

June/July has been a big learning curve with relapses blighting my life again.

I found recently one bookies I was supposed to be excluded from let me go back on quite a few occasions since June spending nearly 2k 🙁

I even showed them ID when I went in as they were unsure of my age and it was out of date, had to go into a more local bookies to say what had happened and they said I should 'not be even in here' as it was against the law. But then they said they would phone up the other bookies for me.

Trouble is I have already lost about 2k because of their incompetence to recognise self excluded gamblers. My fault for going in but deep down as I was losing 100's the first time I was hoping they would refuse my entry.

Awayout

Just starting to face up to the fact I still am a gambler.

I so want to quit in many ways, trouble is the addiction keeps saying 'gambling is a way out of your debt and despair and feeling down' and 'about what I have done to myself' over the last eleven years since the introduction of FOBTs in 2001.

I know this is a fallacy..

I am tired of losing not only my money but also my sense of dignity, self worth and sense of security. Being a gambling addict kinds of robs you of your identity as an individual you just become a statistic on the bookmakers spreadsheet.

I am not going to lie I still feel that sense of excitement and adrenaline when I think about gambling. But I know all to well that comes about with a sense of danger and great risk to my mental and financial well being. It is also harming those close to me (and has).

I would love to be in that position one day to treat my loved ones with something as a gesture to make up for the heartache. Money can be a nice thing when used wisely but not when it is wasted in gambling and is essentially robbing you of a life and the ability to spoil others..

Yes money is not everything. It is easy to say that though when you have squandered it all away and future earnings (from debt) on gambling.

In a philosophical mood today. Sometimes I think you need to reflect. Gambling is no longer a pleasure to me as it was in the early stages (seems like yesterday) it is like self punishment.

I think if I could stick to just a few lottery* tickets a week over the next 6 years I will be OK, but if I keep gambling in arcades/occasional bookies I think that will be back to square one. Ideally I would like to give up everything. I did it for a few months but it is tough.

*I just did a quick calculation and that comes out to about quite a lot of money which could go towards debt repayment. Will have to think that over!

Awayout

HI Awayout,

Make no mistake this is tough, Really tough at times! Ive had a quick read through your diary i see you have been here since 2008, it must be really frustrating for you to still feel like your being pushed from pillar to post with this addiction.

Why not think about changing something in how your approaching your recovery, have you tried councelling ? have you tried G.A, if its not working change what your doing.

When i decided to stop gambling i said i would take what ever help is out there to remain gamble free, I was sick to death of gambling and what that did to me and how i felt when i gambled, I hid from things was to busy sat on my backside to get up and make changes in my life.

Nothing is handed to us on a plate we have to work at things and earn them and recovery is the same, debt was the least of my problems, this is an emotional illness and you have to try and address those reasons why you gamble.

You cant do this overnight, it will take time, it will be hard work, it will require change, you will need determination and courage, but it can be done. Total abstience is the only way for me, no lottery tickets no nothing. I cant win because i cant stop.

Keep going away out.

Blondie

Hi Blondie thanks for your comments.

The trouble with me is I keep kicking myself 'why didn't I quit' when I had just paid my overdraft off? Not now when I am up to the limit again (few thousand) and I still have consolidation loan of several thousands, (more with interest).

I guess the answer that comes is forget the losses and don't ask to many questions. The relapses crept into my life and the warning signs were there. I just need to try and get back into the right pattern and be more aware of the signs this time.

I do feel peeved that a bookies I was supposed to be self excluded from did not recognise me, even though it was one I thought I was not banned from and walked in one day. A big mistake!

Onwards and upwards. A day at a time is the answer for sure.

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

I understand that your kicking yourself but you have to try and get past that otherwise you cant move forward. Its gone remember never to come back and we cant change it. Why not try and think about your debt this way, each day whilst you are paying something off it its slowly reducing, tomorrow it will be less than today, and so on and eventually it will be no more.

Thinking about things as the bigger picture can be scary try and break it up into smaller chunks its much more managable.

The bookies will always let you in mate, they have no morals, they want you money and they dont care how they take it, Take control back. Stop going in. Each day wake up and say "Just for today i wont gamble", you can do it tomorrow it will all still be there waiting for you but today you choose not to go back to the misery.

Keep going, try not to overthink it to much for now, just get some gamble free days behind you and things will become clearer.

Blondie