Need to start all over!

Thankyou for your support depsite the fact I have been a total **** by allowing the 'opportunity' to gamble to come along if you can honestly say that as a compulsive gamble (no opportunity can come of gambling)

I am going to try and find weekend work and another job even though we are in a recession there are still opportunities!

This is Day 2. As I have let myself down in the Lenten period I am now setting a target of April 17 as my 40 days abstinence from gambling.

The thing with this challenge is that when you are not gambling staying off seems the easiest thing in the world. As soon as I get complacent saying one little bet is alright I go back to the world of hell and before I know it I am chasing needless losses.

Like an alcoholic (i thin there are similarities) one drink is never enough. One bet is never enough if I start again. Only difference is gamblers are blowing cash faster. I have seen peoplewith alcohol problems managing to hold down really decent jobs.

I am not a schizo but I find thinking myself as a 'new person helps' no longer the gambler but a reformed gambler.

I think it is slowly working

AWAYOUT

OK it is only one factor

Bou can anyone else relate to work pressure colleagues taking their stresses out on you (even same level) and feeling like the doormat???

Well that is me at the moment I work in a shop I am supposed to have 1 manager and a line manager. There are so many people off with things like stress and depression for such a small place it is unbelievable.

It is really affecting me. The 2nd in command has already been off 3 months at a time with stress he's been there less than 2 years. Yet because he is in with the manager has kept his job. pretty certian some people are 'milking the system'

The first day back yesterday he is on my bac before I even get in. One manager depsite me doing well while the manger is on holiday is going on about some target.

I knew this would happen as i found he was coming back last week. It is bad enough one woman I work with who is the same level but seems to thing she has authority. One of those types of people. She even criticised my tidiness/work in front of the manager as he was doing a checklist of my work the b*****.

Everyone is under pressure due to the recession cutbacks etc. Pretty soon I will have enough.

I am pretty sure they take it out on me as I am fairly tolerant. But there are two many people trying to be the chef and not enough cooks.

I know the gambling relapse has made me feel more vulnerable but I don't think the work situation is me generally its just sh*tty.

Sorry for this moaning post but I though someone might relate to the work place trigger for relapses. I need to be on my guard all the time if I worry too much at work things will just get worse.

With all the people off, and behaving like little dictators I wonder if my lowpaid job is worth all this stress. I am quite low about work at the moment as well as the gambling the self-esteem thing is all tied up.

Anyway now it's off my chest. I hate my job but catch22 I have to stay there... for the small wage I need

Awayout

You don't have to stay there. If the wages are low and you don't like it I'm sure there are plenty of other similar jobs about. It is your life and you have to take responsibility for what goes on. If you don't make changes in your life the chances are you will keep on the cyclic pattern you appear to be on.

Up to you

Steve E

I know what you mean Mancity I have been in this low self esteem cycle with the gambling for about 5 years now. What you are saying sounds easy but it is not.

I have been with an agency 2 years and not one call even though I have gone back to them. I have applied for jobs in similar fields and cannot even get an interview at the moment.

If I were just to 'up sticks' which I would like to I could not afford my debt repayments. I even had one full time job I applied for with an online form which I filled out. Had an email back to say I met all the criteria and they would be in touch with me shortly. About 3 weeks later no after no calls they just mailed to say 'unfortunately the jon was no longer available',

These interview systems really mess with your mind especially when they say one moment you have a chance then none just like that.

I really dont think they care what they do to someones self esteem.

You are right there are lots of jobs. But sometimes being 'over qualified' and in mid thirties going just for a basic full time job does not help. Half of them seem to think you will be after their job higher up!

Tough times at the moment especially with Cheltenham on... nice to see the racing industry is suffering a bit as regards turnout!

Hope everyone is doing OK

Awayout

Hello Awayout,

Just about to go to bed but had a quick read at your diary. I can totally relate to work pressures and in my case i used to go into the bookies at lunch to escape. You spend most of your life working with the same old faces and lets face it, no excitement either. Sorry to hear about your relapse aswell that is bad news. You were doing so well. The credit crunch is here alright !!! Be strong you can do it. Also in work dont take too much cr** either. Id speak back to them and push it with them. You dont deserve to be talked down to. Fight them like your addiction !! Obviously within reason aswell. If things get on top of you take a few days off sick and gather your thoughts. I walked out on a part-time job before. Worked in a hospital casualty department. I had been trained by three different people. I went in on the Sunday and some smart a**e laughed and said great you can cover my 2-10pm shift. I said excuse me but i was told your training me as im new to this job. He went to leave the room and i said wait a second there. I lifted my coat and headed home hehehe . He had to do the long shift hehe . Anyway take care.

Pauly

Thanks Pauly for support.

I dont want to be seen as a whinger but these things go on in really petty low paid jobs which should not be stressful for the amount you are getting paid.

I am in the everything needs to go on bills stage after my relapse and I realise that I have not even got half way tbrough the month without gambling twice large amounts.

I know we all need it but at the moment I really hate money. I find myself looking at people with 'nice things' and resent the fact that many of them have worked for them and have something to show for their work.

I sincerely hope that I will be comfortably off oneday if I do not gamble. I really want my parents to see me settled/happy but I cant seem to get a decent paid job. This does effect your self-esteem.

The gambling only makes things worse. I will have to watch myself when things pick up financially as this often goes with my emotions on a high too. I then find myself suddenly thinking gambling is OK when in my case it is clearly not.

I dont want my life to be a gambler or sad case recovering gambler constantly relapsing. There is more to life than that.

I think once I get over the weekend gamble free I will start to feel stronger again.

AWAYOUT

Good luck Awayout,

I also go thru stages where I resent people with nice things, guys younger than me , indeed working for me so I know their salaries were buying cars and I was thinking 'how do they afford that?' Simple they worked for it and kept it in their pockets. Simple as , they deserve these things and away from gambling you will strengthen then after that self esteem returns giving you enough strength to tackle finding a better job.

Good Luck.

Resent the thought of losing money but not the thought of money. I resented the thought of money and that was why I was throwing it away I think.

I am in that stage when it is 50/50 whether I can stay off the gambling everything seems so tempting at the moment

My wages are being cut about 10% soon in the recession cutbacks so I have to be extra careful with my small income.

Had one of those awful reviews with the bank manager. I realise how idiotic I have been just keeping my debt the same as it was 2 years ago v slowly going down.

I have been irresponsible by doing things like taking out large ovedrafts I am now v deep into. All these people tell you is that you 'should never have been allowed xxxx overdraft on your income'. But they allowed this online.

I realise the banks in this credit cruch situation have been irresponsible by lending out to people who will struggle to pay back. The recent boom has probably led to more probelms to gamblers as they wre able to get credit so much easier than now. Now I am barely able to get £10 extension on an overdraft despite all these banks being owned by the tax payer. Millions being paid in by the government

Sorry to get political!!

I know though if the banks had not been so hey-ho with the lending and refused most of my applications in the boom period I would not be in the same debt situation!!!!

How I hate banks at the moment. I get snooty looks when they see my large overdrafts and I have to use a cash only card and get funds over the counter. They can also see my 20k consolidation loan.

They forget though they led me to this debt by lending irresponsibily and drawing in a mucu smaller overdraft to doubke what I owed before in a consolidation loan.

Yes I have qa gambling addiction I chose to gamble that is my fault. But these banks suck

Ihave vowed once paid off with this particular bank I am leaving their business for new pastures!!!!

Quite frankly they treated like **** when all my savings etc were sucked dry by the gambling.

Not exactly a listening bank. Anyone who thinks the banks are there to look after them are completely wrong. But I was younger then and suckered in by their open handedness with the cash!!!

If I can get through the year and pay things off slowly I think I can get through this and get on with my ife again.

AWAYOUT

OK relapsed a couple times but actually I am feeling positive

Have just installed the TX gambling block trial program and feel at peace that I cannot even be tempted to gamble online for 28 days!

A bonus I can still access this site which has been blocked before by gamstop type programs

I am actually feeling quite positive. Someone I sold something to has not paid up (the money I thought I was getting encouraged me to gamble). However, I am not letting this get to me.

2009 is an important year as I feel the need to change. I only really started feeling serious about giving up in 2008 onwards after 10 years of reckless gambling.

That is not to say I have not relasped. I just feel I can make it through the year whilst paying of a small portion of debt so heading in the right direction.

I have spoken to one bank and they can help people in difficulty by freezing interest etc if I get into dire straits which makes a refreshing change to what most have been telling me the last 5 years or so!

I did try to have my card off my mum today I think I would have withdrawn if I had been allowed it and done the unthinkable.

Fortunately she was strong and now the urge has gone. It is jsut with this gambling it makes you lie to yourself. We all know deep down ehat we would like the money for but will do anything to get it. Makes me sick thinking about how twisted this thing is really!

Anyway the better weather in UK is cheering me up.

Stay strong

AWAYOUT

hi mate

sounds like you are going through very challenging times.the key for me was decieding i really did not want to gamble.i can honstly say that.it seems maybe you do want to gamble.if you was debt free and earning a good wage...would you be out gambling???answer that question honestly.if the answer is yes,you can not do this alone,take all the help and support you can.i dont really like giving advice,i was the worlds worst gambler,but i hate seeing people suffer because of this dreaded illness.

take care mate

neil

Hi Neil I know deep down I do not want to gamble on roulette but I can be sensible with horses it is just the ******* machines. Since then I can't really be safe in the bookies.

I think your question is a good one. At the moment I am probably telling myself if I were debt free with a good job the need to try and gamble to win the losses back would diminish. But maybe in truth I would be out gambling trying to win the original 20 grand of savings lost even if I went to square one.

I do not enjoy the feeling after losing when I gamble anymore even the couple quisd in my pocket especially after winning a bit and losing the lot.

I get strange ideas in my head if I go gambling now like if I win I will buy some stamps to keep the money safe and use if for something sensible. But I still am not walking out witha penny and it makes me feel down after the rush of gambling.

I think it is actually making me feel depressed after I gamble so no enjoyment is gained.

It did not help today as I saw someone who had won enough they told me to pay off their debts in a real casino. Previously along with me they said they were going to self exclude, but they were back to their ways of being on the high and able to gamble!

My thought bow is if I went back to zero debt I would not want to gamble again. But tomorrow I might get the urge or wrong thought.

I seriously do not want the life of a gambling addict anymore I have already paid the price emotionally and finamcially and stress caused to my family.

That chap will probably get back in debt again. I felt like saying 'you should quit while you can!'

AWAYOUT

Hi..

I relate to everything thing that you say. I would love to go out and have a little gamble every now and again simply because "I like to gamble", trouble is though... I cannot gamble responsibily. I have proved that to myself time and time again. Your post reminds me of my past.. and strengthens my resolve and for that I thank you. All the best Awayout. You can surrender to your gambling at any point.. S.A

I think I am in the same boat I can never gamble in a bookies even responsibly. The only limiting factor at the moment is the amount of cash in my pocket!

I have no money so stupidly I feel I have nothing to lose but I need to pay my debts back responsibly so therefore I have everything to lose.

So far I have resisted spending my bills money on gambling. So pleased my mum did not cave in to me asking for my cash card to 'check my balance'.

I am sure the money would be gone by now.

The thing is all this is a strain I am worrying her for my future causing her stress (and myself giving her worry). Another vicious cycle from gambling.

It is hard for me to ever show I am responsible with money again. I literally owe her 1000s for money not paid for rent and bail outs that in effect have gone on gambling. I am also around 20k in debt.

It is not actually the money that is worrying me. It is the stress I have caused and am continuing to cause her through the lack of money and worrying about my gambling.

Awayout

Hello Awayout, I've followed all of your posts with interest, I can relate to them in many ways. Firstly, well done on your continuing 'abstinence'.

I do agree with you that the lost money factor,although a major issue to most of us, is not always our main reason for wanting to break away from our dreadful compulsion. For a big part of my 'gambling life' I was a wreckless, foot loose, fancy free single chap, I squandered many thousands in the bookies,casinos etc, left myself totally skint loads of times, lived on Aldi bread 'n' beans for days on end and at times felt the familiar emptiness that many of us have felt after a losing session on pay day. However, I was only hurting myself and somehow, on reflection, It didn't seem so bad. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning compulsive gambling If anyone, as I was, a single person with no ties, I lost not only money,but also a great many career opportunities, my health also suffered as did my own self esteem, I actually became a bit of a recluse, living a bit of a Jeckyl & Hyde lifestyle. Anyway, to my point, Now that I am married and have a family my gambling addiction and it's consequences are no longer only financial, It's effects are felt by those that I love and care for, that hurts me greatly. I am working hard to recover 'some' of the money that I have lost but I am working much harder to re- build my family relationships and hope one day to regain at least a semblance of trust and maybe even some respect, that is more important to me than any amount of money.........Tke care and good luck.Bob

Brilliant post Bob , sorry to put this on your diary Awayout as if I put it anywhere else it will be lost. I'd like to recover my money , £60k debt is a long long way to go, much more importantly I would like to fix the wonderful relations I had with family prior to my gambling mayhem. I particularly want my wife to trust me again. This is what I am working at most and it is true what everyone said to me when I came on here , each day away from gambling you regain more of yourself back and loved ones can see this.