New diary

Hi Graham... from the outside looking in I see lots of positives in your life.. not least the fact that your not gambling. I wonder whether its the tranistion from work to retirement thats at the core of your current mental health issues. I know my dad had a hard time of it going from having always worked since he was 16 through to his eventual retirement. Like you he was a hard working man, working for the same coompany for 40 years and then suddenly it was all over. He probably felt at a real loss in the sense that his focus and perhaps his identitiy up to a point had been taken away.

Anyway my dad is in his early seventies now and on the surface atleast seems to really enjoy life. Him and his wife go on about 6 holidays a year as well as all these weekend breaks. Ive never known him to be so happy. I think he's found peace with himself and am sure you will to given time.

Apologies if am well off the mark with my comments, I don't really know you at all as I just stumbled across your latest comments.. but am in writing mood and wanted to wish you well. All the best to you and your continued recovery.. S.A 🙂

Thank you all so much for the support. I should have told my friends here earlier but thought it would pass. Sadly not so this time for the moment. Sabine you are very kind and I will take you up on that offer.

Bless you all.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly Graham,

I obviously don't know exactly how you feel, but having had a couple of years housebound with severe anxiety I can relate.

Im wondering if it is frustrating to see your wife going out to work, when you are feeling so unwell. Its clear that you adore her, and those of us prone to depression tend to blame everything on ourselves, and feel guilty about not being 'good enough' whatever that is.

SA's thoughts regarding your retirement make a lot of sense too.

I've known you weren't quite yourself for quite some time now, but didn't realise just how bad you were feeling. Please be very kind to yourself, and accept that you are doing your best - and that is good enough.

Its a tough time to have depression, as everyone seems to be suffering during this recession. Everywhere you look there is anger, stress and sadness. You are a wonderful person who has done so much to support others over the years, but do try to take a back seat just now. It is your turn to be cared for and looked after. Don't expect yourself to take on the burdens of others when you are feeling this way.

I have known a fair few folk over the years who have tried to tell me I am selfish when I have kept my distance, and not got too involved in their problems. This sort of talk is complete bullsh*t, spouted by manipulative bullies and I do hope there is no-one in your life trying to guilt trip you into taking on their woes.

Wish there was something I could do. Keep at those docs, sometimes it takes a few swaps of medication before you find the right balance for yourself.

Take care, and thanks for opening up

f x

Hi G

My thoughts are with you my friend. I wish you all the best.

Take care, Dave

Well that was nice. I get a phone call from the MD today. Now I am home based but look after there clients over an area. Self employed and was very good at it and grew the area by a lot. Fairly rewarded and as I pay my whole operating costs it needed to be.

Trouble at work started when they took the 2 biggest dealers off me. The largest one I introduced to the company and he was really hard work at first. Runs many websites so is turnover is massive. They did not give me a reason but clearly it was because of how much they were paying me. Certainly immoral and possibly illegal but I had no choice and carried on, working more and more from home.

Last week he had calles me. I didn`t let on that I was ill. Announced he wanted me to get involved with some mad scheme, that because of the costs involved. would mean a negative income.

Was signed off during last week. So the call went like this. Hi Graham, how is the new venture going. My reply was that I was off work this week due to illness. He asked what sort and I replied truthfully. His reply was that I should have phoned him, not him phoning me. I agreed but said I was embarrassed. What time frame will it be by when you are better he asked. Ummmmm, didn`t know what to say. Then another stupid question, he asked me what my aspirations were. To keep my job. Heck less than 3 years to retire but didn`t remind him.

Right he said, I will call you Friday or Monday. No, I hope you are better soon, or don`t worry, just get your self fit. I think after 11 years of working for them I deserve a little better. They are pretty quick to ask advice on stock buying in my area of expertise.

TBH, I am well annoyed and think that this is the end of the line with them, not that I will be offering to resign.

So just something else tio add to the worries.

Thanks for reading friends.

Just a little update. Still not at all well. Doctor is looking at me comong out of the work place and going on dla. Oh blow it says I, in the 40 odd years I have been working why not.

Not at all happy with this choice. Always been a hard worker and many times it was enjoyable. However, this depression, anxiety and now severe OCD is doing my head in.

My wife, a couple of years younger ( mind you, looks like my daughter ) is working and is happy to do so. First raft of pensions coming in next month and another raft next year.

We have no mortgage or debt and these days wouldn`t give pound for a raffle ticket. Biggest expenditure is I like an evening beer or two at home.

I cannot give up my agency to the people I contract to. Complicated story, but the arrogant beggers broke the terms of the contract some while back, made a pile of cash from my efforts but cut me out of the deal, so I am looking to make a claim against them.

Another sad note. As many of you know my sis in law was deserted by her husband a while ago for some chavvy younger person.

Knowing her for about 40 years, no brothers or sisters my self, she is like my kid sister.

Was on the phone to her this evening. I really feel for her. Living near London, and she doesn`t earn much. she is obviously worried how she will support herself when ex hubby grabs half the house.

I am furious with him. We were pretty good mates. Spent Christmases there with my 3 God children, go on holiday as a bit of a family.

Anyway, the plonker posted a picture of himself and the new one on face book. How insensitive is that?

Really don`t know what this world is coming to.

Oh if you like a rant, see the last few posts on A New LIfes diary.

Hi Graham,

sorry to hear you are still not well. It sounds like it is going to take time to get yourself fully back on your feet. However, as you mention, with no financial pressure from a mortgage at least your home is safe. this must be a comfort.

I know you have mentioned having persistent unwanted thoughts...without knowing what these thoughts are, Im not sure if this is relevant - but try writing them down on paper. Sometimes it helps to see them "outside" of yourself if that makes sense, to look at them more objectively, to remember that they are not part of you. Then try to replace them with a more balanced, rational thought, writing that down too. I know it might sound a bit crumby, but this exercise can be surprisingly helpful.

However, I respect that you are a capable guy who probably already knew of this kind of technique, and that also it may not be applicable depending on the kind of OCD thoughts you are having.

I do hope your comfort level improves soon.

Take care,

f x

Hi Graham,

Hop you are feeling a bit better. Thinking of you, and hope to see you in chat soon.

love,

Lili xx

Thanks for the messages. Well the inevitable has happened. After over 11 years of service they terminated my service today. The MD phoned me and was totally unsympathetic to my condition. I kind of new this was likely to happen but he was less than diplomatic.

They have done me out of money for years yet I put up with it as at least it was an income. Ironically, I took the call just as I got in from the doctors.

I will share that the Doctor wanted me to go on anti - pyschotic tablets due to very abnormal levels of anxiety.

Well at least I gave it back with both barrels. The cocky git said he wouldn`t be talked to in that way . Tough.

So options. On the plus side my wife has a job, not well paid, but something. Sadly she was going to go part time next month as the first raft of her pensions kick in. That`s out of the window now . In my 63rd year, it is unlikely I will ever work again ,

that is of course wether I ever get well enough to do so.

Mortgage is gone and we do have a far old lump in the bank but didn`t want to draw on that until retirement. Getting government sick pay which is next to nowt but I am hoping to claim disability living allowance in a couple of months.

The annoying thing is that over the years I have attracted hundreds of customers to them. They, of course, will still benefit whilst I get nothing. Seems very unfair. It is possible that I might have legal recourse but my wife has firmly forbidden me to go down that route, worrying that it could make my condition worse.

Seems a shame that after nearly 40 years in the same industry it has come to this.

As I said, it was expected. However now it has happened I am numb.

For years I have held a taxi license, having done the knowlage, a good fall back when times are tough. However, I can`t even drive at the minute so that`s a big no no.

Oh well, will not starve or be made homeless. However it is a big worry .

Funny thing was, when I signed with them I got various warnings from the trade that they were not trust worthy . Seems like I have now found out.

Yet, still no wish to gamble.

Anyway , thanks for reading.

Absolutely gutted for you mate BUT comes as no surprise to me at all,call me wise,call me cynical but where money/profits are concerned nobody gives a s**t about each other and i know exactly how you feel,in a nutshell you have been shafted.

I know and you know that you will survive,you will still eat,sleep and have a roof over your head but is this what it has come to,years of loyal service and then tossed aside like a broken machine needing a new part that costs 3 f****n pence above what a new machine costs.

It makes me puke!!!!! the whole aspect of corporate Britain,as i,ve aleady said i,m tired of it all and i,m only 43!!!!!! i,ve got all this s**t to put up with for maybe another 20 years.

Edited so as not to offend the "living in la la land brigade",what i will say Russ1 is appearances can be deceptive,dont judge me on words that are written,they often differ from the spoken word and unfortunately life is cheap!!!,i,m not angry at the world only angry at a select few who have caused more heartache by their atrocities than one man going on a rampage could ever do,i,m saddened by people (maybe you,maybe not,take it as you want) who cant see whats really going on in this country,there will be lots more sickening??? news to come i suspect,12 people dieing is a tragedy,a 1000 is a statistic!!!!!

Can you see where i,m coming from with all this,we are expected to take this s**t all the time and keep our mouths shut like good little boys,i cant stand it and i cant stand the way greed and failure are rewarded and respect and caring are tossed aside because theres no benefit to be had from them.

Your a good man G and whatever they take from you (and me) they will NEVER take our pride and dignity and woe betide anyone that pushes me too far in the coming months,

Take care buddy,

Your friend,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

I was just looking through a few diaries and I can't believe what a horrific post I've just read. Are you condoning what Derek Bird did? He slaughtered 12 innocent people. My family has had to pick up the pieces of this man's actions. A very close relative of mine had to witness the CCTV of her soul mate being shot in the back before being shot at close range. She knew his brother and lawyer very well. These were lovely people that were actually trying to HELP this man. I guess you read between the lines and got it very wrong....but then you appear to be an angry person who's looking to blame the world. I'm disgusted at your post and it's made me feel sick inside.

Graham, I'm sorry I had to make that post on your diary. Russ

Hi Graham.

I'm really sorry to see that you are having a tough time of things at the moment. I hope things work out ok for you and your family.

All the best.

Hi Graham

So sorry to read about the bad times you are having at the moment, please email me, i've lost your email addy.

With all the support you have given over the years you certainly deserve some now! Words are cheap, but i will be thinking of you mate!

Your a great bloke Graham, have genuine respect for you. just wished i could do something tangible to help you.

take care, ands

Hiya Graham,

I have read your last few posts and just want to say how sorry I am to hear of your troubles. You clearly are a talented man, and when you get better, maybe you can turn your talents to something that benefits you and your wife..putting fire in your belly again and two fingers up metaphorially speaking.. hope you get the gist of what I mean.

I sincerely wish you well.

Delgirl xo