New Diary!

Typicalme
The doors to recovery revolve,it doesn't matter how many times you pass through them it's what you learn each time you do.
I understand those words and I understand that you have to be 100% committed to change to accept that your life whilst feeding addiction is beyond your control.
What is going to be different for you this time?
Self exclusion,Ga,counselling,mental health,honesty,submitting your finances to someone are all tried and tested methods to help you maintain abstinence but the commitment has to come from you,a commitment to change,the bottom line is there is no room for half measures.
Honesty is for me the place to start,be honest with yourself and the folk that are most important to you because they will be a huge help.
We live by a mantra
I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.
you have the opportunity to turn that upside down.
We actually win every day we make the choice to abstain from feeding our addiction.
Embrace it,enjoy it.
Commit to sharing your journey here I find it's an amazing source of therapy.
Abstain and maintain.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Keep trying Typicalme. You will make progress if you keep going.

I was hopeless the first few times I tried but experience has helped me identify a few things that help me to abstain from gambling. I dont feel I am cured but I am confident I can stop for at least a number of days and its getting increasingly simpler.

Hi Duncan you are quite right in saying the doors of recovery revolve. They have revolved many times for me!

I think you are right in saying there is no room for half measures maybe if im honest with myself thats how I've always approached it and at the first sign of weakness or urge I cave in. I am determined this will not be the case this time as I feel when you realise you are close to losing everything you value and have worked hard to have its enough to know this gambling life isnt for me anymore. I am ashamed of how it makes me and I cant walk that life of pain anymore.

Maybe this time I should focus on the positives and embrace and enjoy abstaining as im sure with time and each day I will learn to be happy with who I am and the rewards not gambling will bring.

I have lots to work on and worries to resolve mainly debts but I know if I stay true to not gambling I can slowly improve that.

I have been open with my parents about some of the reasons I have gambled and how I want to change and they fully support me. I have downloaded an app to keep an eye on the time gamble free.

I will explore counselling and ga again as these are viable options. My parents currently have my money and I have a bank card to access minimum funds each day for work and living.

Degenerate thanks for the post I guess we will never be cured but experience and identifying the things we need to change can help make things simple.

Afterall a simple and happy life is all we all truly want and gambling doesnt make room for that.

I am starting to feel a little better.

I have called step change to discuss making a new plan with them starting from the end of August so hopefully I can begin to tackle these debts. I am still in two minds wondering whether its better to pay each creditor myself or stepchange. My debts are currently spread across 12 creditors and total about £7,000. I guess taking ownership through stepchange for now is beneficial? Wondering what anyone else thinks?

I have spent the morning cooking a curry from scratch and a casserole in the slow cooker can save money when im back in work over the weekend that way and I do enjoy cooking.

Have also spent some of the week going to the cinema yesterday and watching films in the evening. Looking forward to a quiet weekend working sat and sun and will watch the football in between.

Determined to go for a run later today but even though I want to do this something is holding me back maybe its addiction telling me not to be free and im just a bit fearful of breaking free and so used to putting things off or not quite having the motivation.

Anyway ive been more positive this week and open with myself and others. I really want the good life this time

Felt anxious last night and this morning. Got a doctors appointment today to try get some help stopping smoking.

Worked out how much money ive spent this week just on boring essentials and wound me up spending more than expected. Need to break the habit of being a human calculator probably from all the gambling over the years. Also need to not worry about spending money as its nothing compared to what ive spent over the years gambling. Funny how get wound up spending say 5 or 6 quid on a couple of coffees yet think nothing of putting twenty quid in a machine.

Anyway thought I would write that down as frustration in the past had occasionally led to gambling creeping back in.

No bets today or since 5th august. I am determined to fill my life with positive things now and make the changes necessary to do so.

I've not really had huge urges to gamble as in gambling on a daily basis, its more that the longer ive spent gamble free the more it has crept up on me or ive felt uncomfortable in my own skin or scared to live life without my gambling mask on. Lack of sleep, boredom, anxiety, stress and debts have probably all been triggers to that.

Gambling feeds into all that though and it becomes a vicious cycle. If I think to my longest spell being gamble free of around 4 months approximately 2 years ago then its quite frightening to think about the damage this addiction causes

If I say add 3 days on for each relapse where ive felt utterly worthless after that would be 72 days where ive inflicted misery upon myself, had to hide my addiction and make it tough for my mrs to go out with me not to mention the financial damage. Its important to let that go but equally important to understand the impact of this addiction should we continue to walk that path.

Im glad im beginning to be able to see this now and want to carry on with this fresh start. Its not that I havent had good times during these relapses its just that in an already stressful world its better to keep on an even keel so we can cope with lifes challenges.

I will continue to try my best and keep smiling.

I havent slept well the last two nights. Mind been racing and heart felt like its tight and beating fast really anxious but not particularly thinking about anything.

Its made getting up at 5.45 for work yesterday and today a real challenge! Had a good shift yesterday though and enjoying and settling into my relatively new role well.

Will try research some techniques into more positive thinking, being more relaxed and not dwelling or thinking too much into things. Maybe its time to pick up a book to read

Its important to get comfortable with myself again and enjoy my own company.

Today is day ten. The start of 4 days in work which should keep me busy, then I've got five days off which I'm looking forward to!

Really determined this time and can see clearly all the things I have learnt each time I have relapsed and just how much a negative impact gambling has on your life.

If I can iust keep taking things one day at a time then I know l have so much to look forward to.

Glad its friday been a long, challenging week at work. 5 days off now though so time to have a drink tomorrow and enjoy myself and unwind for the rest of the time off

Each day brings its own challenges and little adjustments dealing with real life and not living in this awful gambling bubble that isnt reality. It can take some getting used to though I guess.

Embracing being gamble free and starting to see how I could have been a burden at times to my mrs and a little selfish. She has always been there for me since the day we met and I made a vow to myself that I will give her the love and respect she deserves and that starts by not gambling each day. I can see how much of a better person I am gamble free and ive got space in my brain to give people the time they deserve.

Back to square one. What a surprise. When will I ever learn from my mistakes.