No more

What an emotional week I've had. Never done this before and never looked at this site - probably because the words of inspiration would have just made me feel more guilty for what I was doing. I've been gambling for 20 years. At least I thought that was how long it had been until I read an earlier post from day@time. I guess it's been in me far longer than that. I suppose the signs could have been recognised during a family holiday when I was about 7. I went to Butlins, had my holiday money from my parents, Gran etc. It was £36. A lot of money 31 years ago! Did I buy toys with it? No, I put it in the arcade machines. Lost in 1 night. I remember my dad going mental at me. I don't however remember anything from then until I was 18. The first time I was allowed in the bookies. It was an Eastenders fruit machine that did it for me. I was a student at the time and had some mornings off. I remember the first time I went in it was just after 11am and they were just switching it on. Within a few mins I had won the jackpot -£25. That then left an imprint in my head that the win was something to do with them switching the fruit machine on. So that made me return each time I could at the same time. Sometimes I would win, sometimes I would lose. Nothing else really interested me at the time. Horses, greyhounds or whatever - probably because I didn't understand them. I remember my uncle always had the horses on tv when we visited. I just thought it was boring. Anyway, the Eastenders machine soon got taken out the shop and replaced. You'd have hoped that would have stopped me. But no. However I wasn't interested in the replacement machine so I turned to greyhounds and horses. I remember looking at the racing post on the wall. Didn't have a clue what any of it meant. So I just became a favourite backer. Throughout my time gambling I've needed instant gratification. Football, golf or horse races longer than 1m 4f took too long. My memory probably as a result of gambling has gotten terrible. Apologies for jumping back and forward. So fast forward to fobt. That really did prove to be my downfall. Roulette done it for me and within a second of the ball being released I knew if I'd won. It soon spiralled out of control. I once won £23k online on a pinball game and it's the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. Because I thought I'd be able to repeat it. Not even close! I went to GA meetings about 5 times around 10 years ago. I think I didn't bet for around 6 months afterwards but couldn't be sure. And I don't remember how it started again. What I do know is how much I've hurt my wife this week. We've been together 7 years - would you believe exactly this week - if this doesn't give her the 7 year itch God knows what will and I couldn't blame her. I absolutely adore her. You know that way when you're younger you think about what you want your wife to be like when your older well that's what I've ended up with. Just thinking about even saying that makes me realise how targets have steered me down paths since I was a kid. My work is full of targets, losing weight targets, getting to a certain amount of money target, going for a run and trying to beat my best time and if I don't my wife doesn't love me - what a nutter I must be! The last year has been one of the worst for betting. I've chased a target of money that I had to get to so I could make things right. Then in April next year it'd all be right and I could forget about the last 20 years and move on. What a fool I am. The only good thing in this is that I am not financially in a bad position. I have a well paid job and I'm actually in the best position I've ever been in. It's the lies and deceit and what I've done to my wife that's killing me. She's so much stronger than me. She says it's going to be ok and she loves me. She knew I had a gambling problem before we got together but thought I "was fixed". It happened on Thursday. That's when I got caught. We have separate accounts. I pay all the bills, transfer her x amount and keep my "pocket money". I was supposed to have been making a voluntary payment of £100 a month extra to the mortgage for the last year to bring it down with a view to moving in the next couple of years. I didn't do it though. Even though she asked me at least twice over the year if I was doing it. I said yes. I never saw this as stealing. I've spoken to her about it and now I realise it is. This upsets me so much because I'm not a thief. At least until speaking to her I didn't think I was. I remember sitting in GA meetings listening to guys saying how they'd stolen from mums, wife's purses, tried to rob shops. I used to look at them with disgust and think I'm better than them. I now realise I'm not. So the mortgage statement comes in and my wife opened it. She doesn't usually open my mail but because she wanted to see how much was left on it she did. She sent me a txt at work asking why the additional payment wasn't there. I was overcome with panic. This was it. I gave an excuse about owing tax and having to use it for that but it'd be sorted in a couple of months. Another lie. Although I've got away with gambling for so long I can't believe I have. She's so switched on and questions everything. She said it scares her how good a liar I am - it scares me too. So when I got home I had a knot in my stomach. She was going to work 10 mins after I arrived. It was the longest 10 mins of my life. I felt I didn't want to tell her the truth and her going to work In a state. Maybe I could still get out of it without her knowing the true extent? There were a few questions that I managed to deflect then she left. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach. I sat and stared at the wall for hours. Pretending to myself I could make it go away. I knew she'd be like a dog with a bone though. She wouldn't let it go and it was a stay of execution until the next day. At work the following day I was a mess. Just waiting on her phoning me to ask more questions. I couldn't believe what I was doing to her. When I got home she was going out for an hour. Another stay of execution. I just wanted it to be over. One way or the other. If I told her the truth she'd leave me. I couldn't risk it. When she got home I was just waiting on her asking for some kind of evidence. If she did I'd be screwed. I hoped she wouldn't but knew she would. She's clever. And then she did. There was no way out. I sat down after pacing around and told her. I've been gambling. I have a problem. She burst in to tears. I felt so ashamed at what I'd done and what I had done to her and our relationship. I took vows to be honest. I hadn't fulfilled them. I hate myself. She wanted to see all my online banking. She saw it had gone on for years. She said she felt like a mug. I had made her feel that way. I gave her access to my credit report so she could see I had been paying everything. Within an hour she had gone from cursing me and shouting at me to telling me she was going to help me and she loved me. I get upset every time I think of that. I told her I would do anything to keep her. I meant it and I'm writing this to look back on for myself and for others. I gave her my bank card, credit cards, online banking details, credit report details. I phoned the gambling awareness hotline and self excluded from all bookies in my areas and around my work. It's a wide area. I also went in to the 2 bookies in my town and self excluded again to doubly make sure. I want to be able to go for a pint of milk or pick up a takeaway without her thinking I'm up to something. I want to and need to build up the trust again. I know it's gone from 100% to 0%. I know it'll never be 100% again. I phone d gamblers anonymous and spoke to the guy. He helped me. I have my first meeting again on Thursday. I'll do anything I need to or can to prove to her how much I mean it. In a strange kind of way I actually feel so much closer to her now. She says that too. I don't deserve her but know to stand by me after what I've done she must love me as much as I love her. I feel cleansed after telling her everything. There's now nothing that could come back to bite me. She knows it all. I've been 19 days without a bet. And I haven't missed it one bit. But I don't understand myself because I think I should be missing it. I had been 12 days without a bet when she found out last week and I hadn't missed it then either. Why not? I need to be able to understand it. I've told her I don't get urges. I don't. I get impulses. Is that the same thing? When I drive home from work there was a particular junction where I could turn right or go straight on to go home. Going straight on took me passed the bookies. It was a busy street and sometimes you couldn't get parked. If I couldn't I'd just keep driving and go home. I wouldn't go out my way to park in the car park 30 Meters away. I don't understand that and need to know why. I don't miss gambling. I don't gamble when I have no money. It's when I have money that I'm wreckless. Hopefully in time I'll understand why. I've been speaking with my wife about things I can do to fill the void. I get bored easily and need to keep busy. I need a hobby. I'll add to this some time soon. I hope if you read it you will see that positive changes can be made. But I know I'm one of the lucky ones. If you're not as lucky as me then keep the faith. There'll be a nugget of hope somewhere that u can focus on to make other positive things happen. I realise I'm in the early stages of recovery and don't profess to know it all.If I did I wouldn't be in the position I'm in. Be good . . .

Yeah 19 days is a long time for us guys. Dont get complacent because i done betfree 2 months several times since last year already and i had no urges or impulses...it just seemed to sneak up on me.
Keep good work going

Thanks Joseph. I'll not be getting complacent. Too much to lose! You keep it going too 🙂

I read on another post about someone getting compensation for payday loans. These have funded much of my gambling. Not sure how to go about trying to get some of the cash back yet but decided to look through the last 8 years of bank statements with my wife to understand how much I borrowed. Disgusted to see it amounted to around £75k including interest . I knew it would be thousands but didn't know that. Couldn't believe my wife was actually going through it with me and being ok. My god I know how lucky I am to have her.

Been a run on the beach this morning. No thoughts about gambling other than hatred. Got first meeting tonight. Not looking forward to it but know I should go.

First meeting is hard..nerve racking but guys will welcome you and after its over you will be buzzing..you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
As for the payday loans...certainly worth looking into..w o n g a payed out millions alone

Cheers Joseph. As it was I couldn't go to the meeting as we're away for a break just now and couldn't get back in time. Genuinely. Spoke to my wife about it and I'll go next Thu or somewhere in another town beforehand if I can. Thought it would be best to go to the meeting I intend to go to every week - especially 1st time around? Though I didn't want to go I had built myself up all day to be there. Probably just wanted to get it out the way. On a positive still feel absolutely fine with no thoughts of gambling. Will investigate the payday loan piece as there's potentially thousands to get back in interest. Just don't know what'll happen when the lenders want to see my bank statements and find them full of online gambling transactions!

Hi pal. Well done on your 19 days of not betting. And for self exclusion. Have you downloaded blocking software or asked your service provider to block all gambling sites? Put blocks in whilst you're strong.

With reference to GA, I've been going for eight weeks. Ok first week was a little daunting. But I felt at home straight away. Probably not a good thing. Haha. But people in these rooms really understand. I look forward to mine. It's a lifelong and life changing decision.

I wish you well in your recovery

Cheers mate. Well done to you too. I haven't put on blocks but will look to do so. The fact my Mrs can see everything in my account and has my cards makes it impossible anyway in my mind and I just feel like it wouldn't be worth it. That said I take ur point and will do what u said just to enforce it. All the best

Day 21. Feeling fine but still waking up every day and it's the first thing I think about. Not having a bet but the lies and deceit. My wife keeps saying I have sad eyes. Only because of what I've done to her. I hope it passes soon. At the same time I feel a bit better and it feels great not worrying about potential questions she could ask me. I can just tell her the truth now. I feel I can speak to her openly for the first time in ages. I think she's trying hard to understand my triggers. She'll be doing well if she does because I don't understand what they are.

Had a really productive day gutting the house. Felt good keeping busy. Came back from the recycling centre to find an envelope sitting with money in it. "Week 2" was written on the front of it. It was from my wife giving me my pocket money to do me til next Friday. Quite humiliating really. Been in control of my own money since I started working 24 yrs ago and now have to give it all up. Totally understand why and know it's for the best. Just felt like a kid again. Though I earned it when she gives me money it feels like it's her giving me it and it belongs to her. I don't like that feeling. I'm going to try and save some every week by giving her any money I've not spent back at the end of the week. She can keep it in an account for me and I'll see how much I can save between now and Xmas.

Day 22. I've been reading some diaries and it confuses me how some people talk about being agitated and having cravings for gambling and I don't feel like that. Not that I want to! I feel like now it's no longer in my life I'm well rid and haven't felt happier or more relaxed in years. I can think clearly and rationally. It's frustrating me though that if it was that easy why did I go back to it in the past after stopping? I'm pretty sure that no one being able to see what I was doing was a huge part of it. Now that's not the case hopefully that'll be one of the main drivers to ensuring I never return to it.

Interesting, I could have written that, I fact, I think I did post something similar! I did have a couple of really bad days but on the whole, I've had very few urges too! My barriers: accepting my losses, total transparency & handing over my finances (sound familiar?)

I've spent untold hours on here, reading & learning & I fully expect this 'honeymoon' period to come to an end soon because I haven't done any work on my 'triggers' yet but I'm ready to! I have seen too many people think they are cured to ever allow complacency back in! GA helped you before, with everything out in the open @ home now you should find it even more beneficial now...Keep working @ showing your wife why she is right to stick by you & maybe, if you have a few pennies left @ the end of the week you could treat her to a chocolate bar or something (low fat of course)?

Well done on 22 days, this is one challenge you must never stop, keep watching that number go up - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT. Good to have someone who can relate to it 'cos it's one of my biggest frustrations. Really pleased that you're also turning a corner. Well done mate