How many times have I - and probably a fair few of you reading this - heard the female voice say that moments after pressing 'bet' on roulette FOBT in the bookies? My name's Vamp and I'm a compulsive gambler.
I started gambling 12 years ago now, when I was in my early 20s. I'd gone all through school, college and university without ever having a bet or even giving gambling a second thought and then one dinner break at work, a couple of my work mates invited me to the bookies where we were going to put £2 each into a roulette machine. I had no idea what one of them even was but it was a couple of quid and sounded fun so I went along. And we won. I went back to work with an extra £20 in my wallet. Little did I know that a life-changing addiction had just been ignited inside me, one which would see me get myself thousands of pounds in debt, come close to taking my own life, steal from family members and destroy relationships with those closest to me. Ever since then, my life has been a living hell. Actually, it hasn't been a life.
​I'm not new to the idea of recovery. I've been financially bailed out four or five times now (how bad is it that I don't know the actual number). Every time I've promised to stop, kept it up for a little while and then gone and dug mysel into a bigger debt hole. As i've read on here, the worst thing you can do for a compulsive gambler is give them a clean slate and unfortunately through their best loving intentions, people have done that for me over the years. I will have to carry that with me for as long as I shall live. We are talking substantial amounts of money here that I doubt I will be able to pay back in my life time. I will have to repay those debts another way later in life.
​The last major meltdown I had through gambling was almost two years ago now. I had taken out loans, overdrafts, credit cards, borrowed off family and friends. And I blew every last penny in the bookies and online through roulette and slots. Roulette and slots are my demons, and account for probably 95% of my gambling activity over the last 12 years. I've lost count of the amount of times I've been waiting for my wages to be paid into my account so I could deposit it at an online casino. And then I would gamble through the night until every last penny had gone and it was now an hour before I had to be in work. That feeling makes me feel sick as I am typing,up all night gambling, having blown my month's wages on the day of being paid, and having to go to work and try to function as something bearing a normal human being who wasn't hysterically crying on the inside and in a world of pain.
​My situation now is that I am still in quite a lot of debt but after 18 months of making regular monthly repayments, I have halved what I owe and have nearly repaid all of the people I have borrowed money off. Good news, but the problem is I am still gambling. Incredibly. After everything it has done to me. The blocks are in place, such as someone having my bank cards and online banking details but as we know us compulsive gamblers are amomg the best tricksters in the business. A couple of weeks ago an opportunity arised and I emptied my account in the space of an hour, and put extra onto a credit card. Before then I was gambling spare change and dressing it up as money I had lent to someone, or money I had used to pay for something.
I've been to GA in the past. It didn't work. I found myself sitting on the car park playing online roulette before I went in. I would even be spinning the wheel while I was driving my car. How insane does that sound. My craving to get my fix was that strong I'd be playing roulette behind the wheel of a moving car.
​Tomorrow night I will be spending Valentine's night at GA. It is my first meeting in over a year. I'm now 9 days GF free and this time it has got to stay this way for me. I am a compulsive gambler and compulsive gamblers never win. I have absolutely nothing to show from 12 years of gambling. That's how great it is, my possesions could be put in a few plastic bags. That's the reality.
No more bets, please.
Well done for 9 days, you are on the road now.
Much of what you wrote resonated with me, especially the payday all-nighters.
I hope the GA meeting has some meaning and purpose for you.
Stay strong
Sbb
Hi Vamp! We all start from same place and go at the same speed, there are no shortcuts. So, it's good to hear you are 9 days in already. I can relate to your 'pocket money' gambling, that's how I restarted, but, again like you, when the opportunity to cause more damage arose, I took it gleefully. I also got quite adept at knowing which banks processed their BACS wages payments at what time overnight!
I have spent almost 6 years at GA and there are a couple of things I just don't buy in the philosophy. I do WANT and NEED to know why I gamble, because I believe in knowing that, I am better equiped to deal with situations that might otherwise lead me back. I am also not a fan of the 'higher power'. There was actually a resolution put forward quite recently to remove all Godly mutterings from the orange book, but it was defeated (a lot to do with concerns over republishing costs I think). I don't think how religious or spiritual one is should have any bearing on a recovery, but I guess the book was originally written in a very different era? Anyway, I digress. Suffice to say, to me GA is much more about those folks who show up, have the courage to share their innermost thoughts and their scary and often traggic stories, which create a unique bond and kinship. I hope you can go back afresh with an open mind and take what you need from the meeting. All the best, whatami.
Hi Vamp, and welcome.
You're not alone in the way you started to to gamble, that little win is all it took for lots of people on this forum to become addicted. If only there was a way to get this message out to people who have yet to dip their toe in, the misery that comes after, but there isn't. I drum it into my nearest and dearest in the hope that I can stop the rot and keep my fingers crossed.
I personally don't go to GA, never have. Maybe if I was a man I would find it easier to step through the door but having said that, I get lots of support from friends I have made through Gamcare. GA certainly does work for some, by my reckoning about half of the long term gamble free members on here go to GA and of course the other half don't. If you find it's not for you again this time, there are other options. Have you tried counselling yet?
I wish you all the best - time to take control of your life and feel the relief of no longer having to lie to cover your tracks. No more guilt hangovers. I look forward to finding out more about you!
x
Hi all
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post. It's helpful just getting that reassurance that I am not the only person in this world suffering from gambling addiction.
I am slightly apprehensive about going to GA tonight. I found the conversations at the last group I went to gave me knowledge of ways I could gamble which I didn't know about at the time. This resulted in me running up an £800 bill on my mobile phone and having my phone disconnected because I couldn't pay the bill. But back then I didn't truly want to stop gambling, I just wanted to stop losing. Now I think for the first time I've accepted what I am - a compulsive gambler - and that compulsive gamblers never win.
If gambling is so great then where is the pile of money in the bank from 12 years of doing it? Where's the flash car on the drive? Where are all the holidays? The reality is there is none of them and never will be. I'm skint, in debt, have lost my car and had about one holiday in six years.
Whatami, I agree with wanting to know why we gamble. I don't seem to fit in with any of the traditional triggers such as trauma in early life or escapism. It's not something that anyone else in the family has to my knowledge. I had a pretty perfect upbringing but my gambling addiction is all about self destruction. No matter what I win, I will keep going until it's all gone and I've really screwed myself over financially. And then the game begins how I can weave my way out of the mess and do it all over again.
Here's to another GF day for us all.
Went to GA tonight. Feel really good. Another GF day. A new day tomorrow, one step at a time...
Great to hear you got to the meeting. Hope it was another useful tool in the armoury?
whatami wrote: Great to hear you got to the meeting. Hope it was another useful tool in the armoury?
Thanks - I hope so too. Day 13 today. Already looking forward to going back to GA on Tuesday. No real urges but that could partly be down to the fact I have no real money until I get paid so can't let my guard down and need to be ready for payday with all the blocks in place, the first big test for me.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Congrats on day 13 vamp!
I read through your post and it was really interesting, I used to wake up at midnight when i knew my salary would hit my bank and gamble the lot away often before my partner had even woke up! I am on a debt management plan and working towards getting rid of my debts! the best way is to never let your guard down and always be conscious of the trickery your mind can play to get you in the bookies - have a good one .
Athena x
Athena1991 wrote:
Congrats on day 13 vamp!
I read through your post and it was really interesting, I used to wake up at midnight when i knew my salary would hit my bank and gamble the lot away often before my partner had even woke up! I am on a debt management plan and working towards getting rid of my debts! the best way is to never let your guard down and always be conscious of the trickery your mind can play to get you in the bookies - have a good one .
Athena x
Hi Athena,
It was like feeding time at the zoo for me when my salary hit my bank. I'd be logging in and out of online banking in the run up to midnight waiting to see that pile of cash sat there. I'd have thought for hours about what I was going to deposit and play.
Sometimes I would win but we know that just prolongs the inevitable for a compulsive gambler. By morning it would be all gone and I'd have to drag myself into work knowing I had already blown my months salary and wondering what the hell I was going to do. And then payments to my debts would bounce as there was no cash in my account and the phone calls would start.
Really not a place I want to go back to. I don't have access to my online banking now and my wages get paid direct into my partner's account who then distributes to my account to make sure my debt payments are made. Just one of the many blocks in place to stop me from hitting the self destruct button once again.
Today is day 17 GF. Going to my second GA meeting tonight and I've just arranged an appointment with a counsellor next week which is good. I'm determined this time to use all of the help and support available to me to beat this addiction for good.
When I think about not gambling ever again it panics me. I feel like I'm missing out, and will miss out on all the new slot games, etc. Does anyone else have these thoughts?
Day 19 GF today. Had a dream about gambling two nights ago. I woke up mortified that I'd put money into a machine but I was so relieved when I realised I hadn't. However, it left me with gambling thoughts during the day and as I walked past the bookies it was like a magnet trying to pull me in. Even though I only had a couple of quid on me. I managed to avoid the temptation. I find the gambling dreams hard though. I used to get them a lot after I'd lost all my money on roulette and then I'd dream my luck had come in and I'd won it all back in a few spins.
slDay 20 GF free today. But today is payday.
Payday used to be a feeding frenzy for me. Like dropping bloodied meat in the middle of a pack of sharks. I'd wait until my wages hit my account and then hit the online casino.
All the blocks are in place. Skinting myself on payday with another 4 weeks to go until I get paid ago is something I really don't want to go back to.
Going to read through the latest New Life from GA newsletter again to keep my mind focused.
Hi Vamp! Great news you've hit 20 and I hope you have the fortitude to great through the worst day of the month. Yep, only a recovering compulsive gambler could call the day they get paid the WORST day of the month. Everyone else would be cheering! All the best, whatami
whatami wrote:
Hi Vamp! Great news you've hit 20 and I hope you have the fortitude to great through the worst day of the month. Yep, only a recovering compulsive gambler could call the day they get paid the WORST day of the month. Everyone else would be cheering! All the best, whatami
Thanks whatami. You're very right when you say that. I'm sat here feeling stressed and anxious. Going to go to the gym to try and take my mind off things. I used to have my direct debits to all my creditors set up for two days after I'd been paid, so I'd get my hands on all that money for gambling first. Then I'd lose it all, the debt payments would be missed and the phone calls would start.
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