Once Upon A Time

Hi Elfie

As per usual your post brought a smile to my face, you have a lovely way of writing it comes alive on the page. Glad all is good with you and you are doing so well with your recovery.

I too think my singing is wonderful but keep being told it's not so good.

Thanks for ongoing support greatly appreciated

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Hello Diary

Thank you Suzanne and Cheryl for your continued words of support. Keep on rocking.

I am up and about and have been for nearly an hour. No, it's not the results of the vote which has made me get up, although I am watching it. Had a nasty dream about reptilians after me then cramp in my leg. Anyway glad I did get up as I have had a chance to stand outside and watch the lightning in the distance. Clear sky, stars out, stinking hot and a wonderful display, I've not see the like since I was camping in Kenya. No rain or thunder yet (unlike yesterday) so I guess the storm is a long way off.

Well, diary, still gamble free and have started on one of my art projects. Very good it is too (in my mind'e eye) and looking forward to finishing it tonight.

Dollyesque fingernails all cut so can now play the guitar.

Diary "You stupid woman, you couldn't play before"

Elfie " I know but it sounded good"

I averted a disaster this week when I came home for lunch on Wednesday to a house full of gas. Him indoors, stupid fella, had left the gas on. FOR AN HOUR. Now, 2 scenarios spring to mind.

1. I don't go home for lunch, he falls asleep in the chair and is still there when I get back after work.

2. He lights a ciggie and my house is a fireball, all my designer clothes, expensive jewellery and top of the range gadgets and furniture go up in smoke. Huge insurance claim. Hmm, I work for insurers so there is no way they would be believe that so it would be back to the charity shops for me.

Anyway, fortunately I did go home for lunch and also fortunate that he didn't have any ciggies left.

Could have been so different. I don't want to think about it. Honestly though, could he not smell it? It hit me as soon as I opened the door. I told him he should have his nose syringed.

So back to the matter in hand, payday today and this is my 3rd payday since recovery began. Again not having the "o*g payday, must gamble" thoughts are brilliant. I know in my head that money will again be tight and will be until my loans are paid off but the feeling is great that I won't be throwing my had earned money away.

I don't want to forget the sleepless nights, the despair, shame, guilt and gut-wrenching feelings I used to have when I had gambled all my wages away, even before most people had got out of bed.

They are a reminder of what I don't want to feel and who I don't to be. I used to say I just wanted to be normal, be happy... and I am now. Never complacent though for the evil could strike at any time.

So, creative side beginning to emerge, spiritual, social and physical sides to be worked on next.

Yee gods, I hear you ask, how many side has this woman got? What is she? A cube?

Oh, results are in. I am not Scottish by the way but interested to see how it panned out. Although here , in my beautiful island, we are a possession of the British Crown we are not part of the UK and have our States of Deliberation. So you never know, we would be voting for independence one day.

So, early start for work today, more wondrous creativity tonight, weekend to look forward to (more babysitting Saturday- family music very high) and GAMBLE-FREE.

Speak soon, dear diary.

Elfie x

Hi Elfie

Lovely post about the nature but scary about the gas.

Well done on 3 pay days gamble free. Enjoy your weekend and keep creating

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Hi Diary

Thank you Cheryl for your post.

Not really enjoying the weekend so far. Woke up in a very dark mood. The problems and feelings that led to the addiction are rearing their ugly heads. The loneliness, feelings of unworthiness and lack of joy are playing around in my head. I can see where they are coming from but I am powerless to stop them at the moment. I have arranged a social outing for work and now I don't want to go, I knew that would happen as it always does. I don't think I am the right person to be the social organiser as I am the least sociable person there.

I am going over and over in my head something my brother-in-law said to me a few weeks ago and I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it does and so much so I have to now decline another night out (not the work do but a different one where he will be).

I can't seem to shake these feelings of despondency which I thought were gone but the brother-in-law comment has hurt.

I never, ever cry so I can't even have a good sob to get it all out.

I am babysitting tonight so hopefully the innocence of my grandchildren will help shift this dark mood.

Diary, I won't be updating you until I feel better as I don't want to bring you down too.

Still gamble free.

Elfie x

Hi Elfie

You are not on your own with these feelings, I felt very negative last weekend, but they will go just ride through them.

You are doing an amazing thing by staying gamble free,

Keep these positive thoughts close, abstaining has already changed our lives so much for the better.

Stay strong and be proud for what you have achieved, you are doing great.

Suzanne xx

Hi Elfie

If you read all of my diary I have many days like those. It would be good for you if you wrote them down and get them out of your head. I am there beside you all the way throughout this however you decide. Enjoy your grandchildren and be kind to yourself as you are to everyone else. This recovery is so important to you and you are doing brilliantly. We all try to be strong all of the time but at the end of the day we are all human with the frailties that entails.

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Hi Elfie

(((hug))) (((hug)))

Hope that helps a bit

Cheryl xxx

Hi Elfie

Hope you are feeling a bit better as the days go on and I miss your word wizardry. Big ((( hug))) to you .

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Hi Elfie,

How are you these days?

You are coming up to the big 100 days!

It seemed so far off in the days & nights of single digits didn't it !!

Take care,

Suzy

Hi Diary

Thank you Cheryl and Suzy for kind words and virtual hugs. It means a lot to me that others do care. ((Hugs)) right back to you Cheryl on your diary as you seem to be having a bad time. Yes, the days are ticking by Suzy, Christmas will be different this year.

So, diary, I have been missing this week. Unfortunately I climbed upon the misery merry-go-round (not gambling). You know the one with the nice coloured cars of worthlessness, the cute animals of not-good-enough and the up and down horsy thingies of self-pity. Once on you can only get off when the music stops. I must have cloth ears cos I missed the music many times and just stayed there, going round and round. I have finally managed to get off and cart my dizzy body to the candie floss stall. Much, much better but a lot of the feelings are still there so I must try and keep away from the merry go round lest I get sucked in (or on!) again.

Two pieces of original artwork now finished in my bid to raise my life music. They were finished last weekend and this started the old feelings as someone decided they would do the same (probably better) once they had seen mine. I know it's stupid and childish but this is part of my recovery, my therapy, and I felt that it was being taken away. I haven't picked up my pencil since.

So all in all a strange week, with me tripping over a rogue wire basket in the shop and knocking over a display of Jaffacakes whilst air-swimming trying to stay at least partially upright. Then falling up the stairs at work, almost making a hole in them with my shin and pulling my arms out of their sockets trying to save myself. Luckily (for them) the guys at work had the good sense not to laugh as my patience has been rather lacking at work this week with a lovely finale of my telling someone "that's bulls**t, don't talk bulls**t to me". Oh, a member of staff by the way, not a client. Even I wasn't that stupid. My body is now wracked with pain.

So, getting back to normal now and still going, gamble free, into the next week. Although absent from posting I have been reading the forum all week and I see it will be down until tomorrow so I had better check in to the challenge.

Will speak again soon.

Elfie x

Hi Elfie,

Well done to you for keepng abstaining, when that rollercoaster goes the wrong way, ie makes us feel down and worthless, but we are not, we are doing an amazing thing, we are recovering from that self destructive addiction that is called gambling.

You are learning and getting wise, and that is more positive for you than you think now.

Keep going, push those positives forwards and keep winning one day at a time.

Suzanne xx

Hi Elfie

Ty for your kind support, keep doing what you are doing so well.

Keep strong and stay focused

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Hi Elfie,

You are joining the Century Club tomorrow!

Well done you.

Hope life is being kind to you.

Take care,

Suzy

Hi Elfie,

Day 100 for you.

A very well done for each & every one of those days.

Best Wishes ,

Suzy

Hi Elfie

Just adding to SuzyLemon's congrats on your 100 days - welcome to the 'Century Club'. You have certainly come a long way....

Sorry to read that last week was not the best for you - but 'onwards and upwards' (even if it was a case of falling 'up' the stairs!)

Best wishes,

Joanna