day 1 on this site. day 11 since last online slot gamble......feeling determined.i have self excluded and unsubscribed so no temptations popping up in junk /spam email.
however junk post slipped through my letterbox ... New online casino offering me all sorts with its bright colours and false promises. never had one before.
I thought of putting it in the bin but knew it would be there shouting at me and tempting me.i was livid that it had invaded my space when I was trying so hard....
I.left it out on the table in the envelope hating it.... and when a member of my family came over (who knows) I showed them and handed it straight to them to dispose of .
never thought a piece of junk mail would cause so much hassle ..but I survived
day 12 .no thoughts or urge .the sun is shining which helps.
my worst times of erratic gambling and mindless pressing of online slots is when it's grey and miserable and my mood is low .I've got a day off work so have planned a day out with my daughter.i have also set up a what's app group with my family who know and we check in each day.talk a bit about how I'm doing and also about other family things.it makes me feel im not alone .....
Cookie your post above oozes positivity and what can be better than a day out with your daughter. You are 12 days gamble free which is a great achievement and you will remain determined to go far and to beat this addiction.
I'm wishing you well and will check in with support where I can.
Wilsy
thanx Wilsy. I really appreciate your comments as they help maintain the positive vibe. hope all good with you
Well done cookie on your gf days we can do this! It was online slots for me too, usually from boredom and escape from memories. You sound so positive so glad for you, onwards and upwards! Stay strong best wishes Lulu x
thanx lulu.went back to work today after a few days annual leave.so full on didn't have a chance to think about it .got home more junk mail through door offering free spins from one of the sites I banned myself from.have given to a relative to dispose of .
day 13 Gf .starting to feel like a weight is lifting slowly off my mind.reading Russell brands recovery in the evenings. payday tomorrow.actually looking forward to reducing the debt.ive had help to make a budget so I know exactly what cash I have for food etc .after bills paid.if I'd been gambling I would have spent half my wages this past two weeks.feeling a sense of achievement as today I am not tempted.and.....exhale
Cookie12, great work there mate, your diary is really positive and it is so good that you are looking forward to reducing the debt. I am trying to visulise the position you are in now, you are ahead of me, but I am thinking of the consequences - the debt - and I am looking forward to getting to that place where I can make a positive plan about repayments and getting some of the respect back that I have lost. Keep avoiding the tempations, enjoy time with your daughter, keep reading the book too. I am just at the end of Chapter two. Take care buddy.
If you've self excluded from the sites they shouldn't be contacting you but it's amazing how often the industry will experience 'database malfunctions'. You could ring them (have someone sitting with you if you need to) but be prepared for them to give you the run around. If they do a threat to report them to the Gambling Commission for breach of their own responsible gambling should get them back in their box. We followed this up by writing to them telling them they were never to contact Mr L again by any means for any reason. So far so good.
Day 14 today mate well done and payday so be safe. Pleased you are feeling a sense of achivement, you should be proud because you are doing this by yourself and with help of the forum and your diary. Just keep close and keep posting my friend.
Have a great weekend.
Wilsy
thank you for advice and support.im lucky in having 2 relatives that are nonjudgemental.but no pushover.they have organised my budget to the point I know what I need to pay out immediately .I know how much cash I can have for the month and that's it.my day job is very responsible .I work with families .I train professionals I work with sensitive data but as soon as I went online I became mindless.no concept of the money I was chucking at games.yet woulddeliberate over the price of food in a supermarket and moan at the price.14 days free and no urge today .
I have my online assessment for counselling coming up .a bit nervous but if I'm going to do this properly got to do it right.
Well done 14 days gf keep strong you can do this . Its good u have family behind u gives encouragement.
thanks Bamb84
yesterday at a time when I would have gone online (oh watching rugby)and bored.instead I got in the car and drove to my sister's for a cup of tea and for them to taste test my latest batch of marshmallows.making a huge batch for my stepdaughter wedding.........lot of my panic gambling was worry about paying for the wedding and that belief .....one win would pay for this and that....losing it .......then try again.thatmindless cycle of losing .and spiralling further into debt whist the wedding day creeps closer.
I had a vivid dream.last night (too much late night ice cream!) I was sent a 10pound free play ...convinced myself that not real money so played it then deliberated 10pound more wouldn't hurt and woke up in a cold sweat.thank God it was just a dream .my mind was saying you fool (think Mr T voice) a bet is a bet .the intention is the same regardless of the stake and the only cert is that i am a loser as this is not entertainment for me .my brain has false hope that it will be the answer to my financial worries.wrong....
that dream recreated that sickening knot of dread in my stomach and the fear and anxiety in my thoughts.making the day seem miserable.if a dream could throw up the emotion imagine what really doing it would do.
perhaps my sensible part of my brain was telling me do you really want to feel that c**P again .
so long ramble but no gamble
now 16 days free .
meditation is doing me good and I'm seriously contemplating going back to church .haven't been since a kid but feel there is something missing in my life.
am reading a diary a day from start to finish and am totally in awe of everyone's journey .
gives me strength ...onwards and upwards
have a good day all and thank you for reading x
day 17 .....busy with work and driving through snow...no time to think or want to gamble.
checking in to read about others journeys to remind myself not to feel complacent
have a good evening to whoever reads this
Well done Cookie. I’ve had some similar thoughts about church and I didn’t even really go as a kid but I’ve been with my own kid a few times. I listen to a lot of recovery podcasts and nearly all of them talk about a higher power and faith. It’s been a common thread. Maybe it’s something that could bring some discipline at the least.
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