Hi there,
Thank you for the post yesterday. Do you see how tapped in a head active CG's are? We say one thing but spum round and do opposite.
I completely lost it yesterday. It's easy to run and hide, let feelings settle down only to come back and repeat the cycle...ENOUGH me thinks! Time to break the cycle, stop isolating and start reaching out!
I had some good gamble free spells in my time on here ( a member for nearly 5 years ) and i know that it's possible to get off merry go round. It's near enough impossible to do it by your own and to be honest...even if this place brought some sad moments in my life, this is the ONLY place I can be myself and talk it all out. It's massive help for me when I seem to be a square peg trying to fit in a round hole in 3D.
It may be just a start of a journey for you, but please stay close by, keep fighting the urges and remember that every day you stay strong, you're winning a little fight in this battle.
Patience dear soldier...its all it takes. There is no easy way out, keep working at understanding yourself better, keep accepting support and don't leave stone unturned. There is a reason why we self destruct, find it, eliminate it and welcome bright future ahead.
Have you contacted GC for counselling? I just completed a referal form and awaiting more details from them. ...anything what might help!
GA?..what about meetings? Group of heads fighting the good fight is better than one вє..you have options, help yourself!
It is possible..just for today - stay safe!
X
Thank you for your replies. I'm now on day 8 GF, maybe not by choice.
I did get a bonus, went online and immediately withdrew it. I haven't redeposited it. It should see me through the month now so at least will be able to eat 🙂 !
Feeling a bit of a gambling itch today but determined to let it pass. I keep thinking back to the sickness and thoughts that I just wanted to end it all after a bad session. That's enough for me. I don't want to feel like that anymore.
I haven't done a referral yet. It is something I should defiantly do but I don't think can face it yet.
Just thought would check in and put some of my thoughts today out there.
My ways of trying to convince myself not to do it:
​keeping strong now. We can beat this demon...
Well done on witdrawing that money...my advise. .for what is worth...close that account down now !
Demos...very risky pastime love ..
Imagine if you'd hit the jackpot. ..you're addiction may well have gone into overdrive..."oh..it's paid on demo. ..must be ok to play for real"..and I actually think it's immaterial if playing for real...or demo...its still keeping you're addiction alive...still taking up time ...if not money..but that's just my take on it...
I found I had to completely change routine in early days...when the itch was so bad..
Id normally go straight to laptop as soon as coast clear...or when I made a coffee...actually I sat there most of the time...
I gave my laptop to daughter...which obviuosly made it much easier to tackle the cycle..I have a smart phone. But never played on it...and even in the early days never tried to use it to play slots...
Did you look at parental blocks. .
Mine's still on now...I used a random password. ..and havnt got a clue what it is. ..
It's all about protecting yourself from a blow out love...should the urges realy hit. ...nothing will stop 100% ...but if it makes us think...or actually have to really struggle to get on site and deposit then at least it's harder to play...
My house was like a palace. ..I cleaned for England. ..even done some decorating and major diy. .
Just Any thing to pass time while the urge passes ..which they will love...
Keep fighting xx
Thank you Loxxie for your reply. I know I shouldn't go the demos and I don't even know why I do. It's pathetic. I guess that's what it's come to.
I did all mine online with my phone or tablet, so easy just to sneak off somewhere and have a quick go. Often find loose more quickly that way as was always like just one more go..
I think I need to download a app but I don't want anything obvious on my phone. Sad thing is I still want to feel in control. I am so happy I have withdrawn that money and haven't even wanted to cancel the withdrawal or redeposit.
I am going to try and find 3 positive progress points per week and focus on those.
For this week-
Feeling positive and empowered right now. Xx
Needed to put some thoughts down and read through my previous ones tonight.. I guess I've grieved the loss of my paycheck now... already.
So stupidly went on a site and thought have a look at demos and new games. Don't ask me why I did. I guess I just miss the headache I get from watching those reels and my brain almost trying to guess the outcome. I worked out now before the final reel stopped if it's been lucky spin or not, then immediately pushing the spin button again ..
I played the demo with max bet as my mind told me it'll be interesting to see what comes up and exactly how MUCH I could win.. we all know when our sensible head is on this isn't true, even if did win we are going to loose it again...
It gave me some nice fake wins, my brain starts telling me well if you did that you could win this and that would help solve a lot of problems...
I'm amazed how the brain tricks you into self harm, self destruct, hell my own mind is against me, how can I possibly fight any longer...
After all this I didn't gamble, so still remain at 8 days GF... but it's been a toughie... 🙂
Day 9.... Dear Diary,
Feeling ok today. No urges. Looking forward to double figures on GF tomorrow. Set up some saving goals. No feelings of desperation. Kept myself busy at work and will do tonight.
Payday will be the real challenge... But I got to do it. I will be strong.
Not much else to report...
Ahh please be careful with this. I know its hard but you gotta pull out of this world completly. I don't wanna see you back here regretting anything!
Are you comfortable the blocks you have in places are enough? Can you do more to stop you having access?
Keep going, everyday you don't bet, you win.
Not to take anything away from you stopping for the time you have. You should be happy with everyday GF you rack up. Just we are very easily lead back into this if we give ourselves a way back in.
And I don't want to be back here regretting anything!! 🙂
I've excluded. I'm so lazy if I can't get on something I give up easily. Same goes for online banking 😀
I'm feeling ok today actually, I'm a bit surprised. I'm expecting a terrible low now...
I rambled off on one on another post. Im going to try retraining my brain to all the nasty negative feelings associated with gambling and each time I think about it or tempted to take myself back to that place. Now I'm feeling sick just thinking about it!!
Good to hear =)
Have you manged to talk to anyone about this? Friend, family or counselling? Helps if you can say it out loud to someone that will listen.
Take care =)
No still can't face up to anyone. I know I should but I just can't at the moment. I can't witness the disappoint on the faces. I know councilling probably the best for me as at least it's non judgemental. I have been to councilling before with other problems but didn't help me at all.
Hope you've gave a good weekend ....x
Thanks loxxie x my weekend was ok thank you kept occupied. Hope you also had a nice weekend 🙂 x
Had a dream last night about gambling. I was online slots, I'd made a new one up in my dreams as didn't resemble any played before!! I played £200, won £1200 and then dreamt I withdrew £800. Im not going to lie, it felt amazing. Then woke up and realised just a dream... but I didn't make it into reality! (Not that I have £200 to even gamble) I do have some money for food and to last me the month so I'm happy I haven't touched that.
My positives for the week:
Got to keep going. 🙂 I need the money more than any gambling site and I need my mental health to be good. I can't repeat this last month or it's serious trouble.
Good...and I did to...thanks..
I like your posative points..helps you focus...
Dreams....oh boy. ..I remember them...waking up thinking was it real...it certainlty felt like it...
In fact I remember going to bed thinking of slots...and even worse was the first thing I thought about when I woke up...horrible. .but it really does pass love...I know you can't imagine that....I couldn't...but it does...I can't remember at what stage..but now...the only time I think about them is when I'm on here...and that's not a bad thing...
My daughter have me a wonderfull shabby chic ornament..
"Only ever look back to see how far you've come "
Simple but very apt words for us people fighting addiction. .
Take care x
Well I'm now on day 22 admittedly probably got no money to gamble away still... but I could of gambled my food money, thinking I'm due a break on the site and the money back.
No more dreams luckily. A few thoughts of when I won £5,000 from £200 after a 3 month break from being excluded. They got it all back plus another 4K... clever ... very clever ... if I wasn't such a d**n idiot I would of just withdrawn and called quits... it still haunts me. That's what I got to fight is that urge to think I'll have a break and then that will happen again....
Positive points for this week -
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