Our Struggles Make Us Stronger

Fantastic Sam, as you say keep moving forward.

Ah Mondays!! This day is just dragging in, may have something to do with I'm still tired from the weekends activities! Couple hours to go then home time. Looking forward to GA tonight as I missed last week

Had an Inception style experience last night! So I was sleeping away in dreamworld (stage 1) and managed to fall asleep within my dream (stage 2). This is where I gambled. It was a combination of online gambling and roulette and needless to say I didn't win. Initially I did of course then went on to lose it all. I woke up from that dream and back into stage 1 of my dream running around telling people how relieved I was that it was just a dream and that I hadn't relapsed. A while after I woke up properly and into the 'real world' - what if this is another dream!?!? Very strange indeed haha

I don't think about gambling much in everyday life now and urges are basically non-existent. Maybe this is my sub-conscious showing me the addiction hasn't gone away, who knows. If the only gambling I ever do again is in dreams or dreams within dreams then I'll be a happy man!

Keep moving forward

The weather is great at the minute and long may it last! Life in recovery is so much better than the gambling frenzy we all know only too well. Whilst there are still obstacles to overcome I'm able to face them head on and deal with them in a logical and efficient way instead of burying my head in the sand like I once would have done.

Still attending my GA meetings weekly and I can honestly say I still look forward to them. I'm very lucky to have found such a supportive group, it's the best team I've ever been on! We had an open meeting at the weekend and Mum went with me, she thought it was great! The way I see it is everybody from all walks of life at some point will be struggling with something in their lives they can't control whether it be addiction, depression, bereavement or otherswise. We have stood up and admitted our problems and sought out help. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to say to someone 'I can't do this alone, I am struggling and I need help!' In the GA rooms we are the lucky ones.

The not-so little man is growing into a happy, handsome young boy. It's amazing to watch his personality develop and hear his cheeky laugh. As I dropped him off the other day after an overnight stay he kept running back to me arms in the air shouting DADA DADA! He then began to cry when I told him I had to go to work. As I Ieft on my way to work I cried for the first time in months. It was a strange feeling as although I felt sadness there was also contentment. I know I'm a positive influence in his life and it shows just how close we are.

His Mum and I continue to get on well and have a good parenting relationship. Beyond that things haven't moved any further forward, a couple of dates and family days we had planned didn't happen, nobody's fault just circumstances with work etc. She is my date for my end of season football do so looking forward to that! Who knows what the future holds and I believe if it's meant to be then it will be.

I have a wedding tomorrow which should be a great day. I'm flying solo as initially the little man's Mum was going with me only to find out she has a very important exam during the day, circumstances! New shirt & tie bought and suit dry cleaned ready for the occasion.

I find out soon if I've made it through to the last part of the promotion process. Again if it's meant to be then it will be!

Keep moving forward!

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{~ ♥~♥~♥~♥~ ♥~}
{~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~ ♥~}
{~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~}
{~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥}
{П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰П‰}
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HAPPY 1 YEARS GAMBLE FREE

Many congrats

A fantastic post there Sam. A line I did pick up on was ' even though I felt sadness, I also felt contentment! ' Nice.

Enjoy the cake Martin has made you...

Thanks guys, that year has flown by! I feel able to deal with anything now. As always appreciate the support (and cake - a trip to tesco's later for the real thing lol).

Well done Sam, be very proud xx

Life can be tough at times especially in one's head. For anyone struggling out there read this, it always helps me:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit Rest if you must, but don't you quit. Life is strange with its twists and its turns, As everyone of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about When they might have won, had they stuck it out. Don't give up though the pace seems slow, You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than, It seems to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up When he might have captured the victor's cup; And he learned too late when the night came down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out The silver tint of the clouds of doubt And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far; So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit, It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

Hey diary just felt like an update. Still chugging along gamble free and enjoying my weekly GA meetings. We often talk about recovery being 5% to do with the gambling and 95% with life and for me it's so true. I've did a review of where I'm at before so may as well update it for now.

Family – My little man continues to amaze me. Running around the place like a proper little boy exploring every piece of furniture and gadget he can get his hands on. Every time he sees me when I go to collect him now you can see the excitement in his face as he runs to the door. People often talk about enjoying every moment you can with them and I can see why.

His Mum and I haven’t really seen much of each other recently, a few months back things looked so good but for some reason it’s went cold again. Still getting on well and all but things haven’t progressed, in fact they have went backwards. She was the one that was very keen to rekindle things initially and I was the one that was being guarded but it almost feels like as soon as I let my guard down and showed some interest back she backed away. Think I need to take a step back and stop doing the running for a while. I don’t like these mind games, better to just say what you want and how you feel.

Other family members are struggling with health issues of one form or another (mental & physical) and I feel I’m being constantly used as a crutch. Sometimes they must think I’m a doctor and/or psychiatrist! Don’t get me wrong I’ll help anybody in need, I am a people pleaser after all (suppose this is a character defect). My 2 brothers live abroad so it’s just me left to pick up the pieces and patch up so to speak.

Work – Going very well at present. Got through to the final stage of the promotion process and did my interview a couple weeks ago. Feeling good about it so if it’s good enough to get me a promotion then great, if not then so be it. Still getting plenty of hours in the bar which helps make ends meet. Got a bump in pay also, an extra £1 an hour but it all adds up!

Finances – Debts down from £16.5k to under £10k since I stopped gambling 13 months ago. Hoping to be debt free in less than 2 years from now. Have an emergency fund of over £500 there in case anything crops up too.

Health – Feeling good in the health department and will only get better now that pre-season footy is back. Still trying to eat healthier but I just love my chocolate. Someday!!

Social Life – My social life has definitely improved over the last few months to the point I think I may be going out too much! There have been weddings, birthday parties and normal nights out so it’s been an expensive time. It’s important to socialise with friends but doesn’t always have to involve alcohol.

Future – Uncertain but bright. I realise that if I continue to do the right things then good things will happen and vice versa. I need to get back to the ODAAT approach and stop looking too far ahead. I have to accept that there are some things out of my control just like the Serenity Prayer says.

Faith – Added this one in as it has become ever more important to me. I don’t talk about it much as I don’t attend Church/Mass or anything (apart from Christmas) but I consider myself a Christian. By that I mean I believe in Jesus Christ and the sacrifice he made for me and us all. I have always believed in the idea of a God in some way but never really looked into it too much. I could go on and on but don’t want to sound like I’m preaching but what I will say it this – I feel a calmness and contentment the closer I am to Jesus. I feel happier than I did when I turned away from Him for all those years. It’s a path I want to walk, after all what do I have to lose?

Keep moving forward

Hi sam

Glad to hear you're doing well and good to read about your faith.

I'm not religious and hate religious dogma, but people should never feel they can't talk about stuff that's important to them on these boards.

Faith can play a big part for many in recovery or dealing with sheite life events. Not for me but there's something to learn from this.

Louis

I concur with Louis, this is your place & no-one is forced to read it. I love that update Sam so thank you 🙂

I take great comfort from people like yourself especially as I struggle to identify with a higher power since I too am a midnight mass (why is it even called that in a C of E church) kinda gal & feel sure there must be something out there, just nothing makes sense. Lovely to see your relationship with your little man is strong despite the woes of the relationship & sorry to hear about the poor health, are there any outside agencies that could pick up some of the slack? My master plan was to always have my sister pick up the pieces when mum starts going downhill but now she's gone, the thought occasionally terrifies me...Hopefully the grandkids will step up to the plate as I'm pretty sure I don't have it in me (maybe recovery will feed this change)?

Yay to the pay rise...Don't be spending it all on chocolate now 😉

Good morning diary, it's been a while!

Life is good at the minute (even though it's Monday morning lol). Had a great weekend spending time with family who were home for the little guy's 2nd birthday party. Where did the time go!! He had a fantastic time yesterday at the party and really enjoyed himself, seeing him so happy & healthy is the best feeling in the world 🙂 Having all the family there together at the same time was the icing on the cake!

I started my new job last Monday so into my 2nd week today. This is the promotion I was in for a while back, I was in the top 0.5% of applicants. Just shows you what hard work and a clear head can achieve! Still finding my feet and getting a *** of what it is I'm meant to be doing but I'll get there.

I'm still attending GA every Monday so will be there tonight as usual. We've had a few new members through the doors recently so hope to see them back again tonight. I feel very lucky to be part of such a strong group of men & women. No matter how long I've been going I always learn something at every meeting.

I've been watching a lot of motivational videos recently too, Tony Robbins mostly. Really opens my eyes and ears to the potential I have to achieve in life.

Keep moving forward!

Just need somewhere to put down my thoughts. Just dropped the little man back off at his Mums there, he didn't want to go. Just wanted to stay in Daddy's house 🙁 He's been like this from time to time in the past but recently it's everytime I see him. Honestly breaks my heart! We do see eachother regularly but it may be time for longer stints, we'll have to see.

Things are good most of the time with his Mum and I but there are days I feel I'm talking to a different person. Circumstances make it difficult to see eachother often but we do try and get some family time just the 3 of us. I cherish this time as it feels like we are a family - albiet not exactly in the traditional sense. The little man loves it too, he's such a happy chappy 🙂 I just hope we're doing right by him.

Sitting in hospital writing this as my Nanny fell this morning, nothing serious but just another thing to deal with.