Our Struggles Make Us Stronger

As I have just finished series 7, I know who Sam Crow is...and you know what happened to Jackson Teller. I think you must know that it if you are a CG you won't keep hold of any win if it comes. You need to put a debt plan in place and stick to it. There's a lot of advice on these pages. I may be wrong but I guess that part if the cause of the break up was the gambling and the causes of the gambling not the debt itself. You need help to address those issues. I am sure there is more chance of a reconciliation if you deal with the gambling and the causes and you are honest with yourself and each other. If you don't stop it is hard to see how the relationship hasany chance as the hole will just get bigger. I hope that you can get back on track. All the very best.

Hi Sam

Sounds like you have been here before and you probably already know a lot... It took me years to accept that gambling had beaten me to a pulp. I'm not here to preach and I always want to be mindful of my own intentions and motives for posting on other diaries. Just wanting to offer my support one CG to another. Don't place that bet thinking it will effect any positive long lasting changes. You and I know it won't. Here for you. -joanxx

Hi guys thanks for the comments. I'm just at a really low ebb right now and can't help but think everyone would be better off if I were gone. Then I look at photos of my son and feel ashamed of even thinking that way. I would never actually do that but the emotions are very strong and I just don't like who I've become through gambling. It's a weird feeling even when I was winning for a while, it was great and all thinking i could have this debt paid off in a year or so. But even then I felt disgusted in myself knowing this is not a life I want to live. I want to be an honest hard working person who doesn't need to even think about gambling. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and smile. I want to be a good role model for my son. I know what needs to be done but I'm afraid I can't do it. I'm usually a very positive person and good at giving out advice, maybe I should listen to my own advice now

Hi... there's part of one of your posts concerned me... "but I can't help the feeling that one big win and I'm free" .... that is a really bad position to be in because that will play on your mind hourly and it will affect your decision making at some point. You need to change that to read "I know that one more bet is going to make things much worse".

Hi there Change. I agree it's bad to be thinking about that one big win but my emtions are still raw right now and I'm just being honest about how I feel. Now I'm not under the gambling haze it has brought everything else to the fore like the breakup with my ex and wanting to see my son more often. It suddenly feels like there's 101 different things I need to do and my head hurts trying to prioritise it all. Work stuff, family stuff, medical stuff and now financial stuff. It's weighing me down today.

On a positive note I spoke to my brother last night and told him everything about how I am feeling, not just about the gambling. After it I felt better for getting it off my chest so I think I should tell the rest of my family soon also. They all know I've suffered from gambling in the past and what's happened in my life in general the past year so it's time for no more secrets. I've admitted to myself I can't do this alone anymore and I need help.

I am also considering speaking to my ex and apologising for not confiding in her about the gambling and debt. I know there were other issues for our breakup but this one I own wholeheartedley. I should have trusted her to understand and be there for me instead of trying to deal with it myself. Not sure what sort of response I would even get but I would like her to know. Am I being selfish though? Am I only doing that to make myself feel better? As we have a child together she will always be in my life regardless if we're together or not. Should I not tell her and just concentrate of becoming a better person and she can see the changes for herself?

Been on the forum today a lot and only realised duncanmac has left, have to say I'm gutted. His first post on here was only a few weeks before my first post and he was a great source of inspiration in those early days. Just over 4 years later and I see just how different our paths were. I continued to walk the awful gambling path whilst abstaining for times in between whereas he went from strength to strength. No point looking back wishing things were different and I took a different path as we simply can not change the past. We can only affect the present and future. It's a long way away but I hope to be sitting here in 4 or more years with a success story similar to Duncs

First good nights sleep in a while last night. Spoke to my ex about a lot last night and apologised for my indiscretions and my part of fault for the breakdown of our relationship. It's early days but it's a start! Long road ahead I know but if I just tell the truth and ever need help my family will be there. An expensive few days ahead with car repairs and couple things to get for the little guy but I don't mind about the money in truth. Got extra shifts the next couple months in my 2nd job (pub) so that'll help.

So I bought a new cot bed for the little man yesterday, was picked out at the weekend and I had planned to pay for it with my winnings from previous weeks but we all know how that turned out! I have decided that whilst I carry the financial burden of my gambling, it won’t affect my ability to provide for my son. I will make the sacrifices myself so long as he is happy and cared for. I also booked flights over to see family which was already planned and I’m staying with them so no need to book hotels which is a bonus. Car is in the shop getting heating fixed today (even though the weather is great at the min) and a tyre needs fixed tomorrow also. That will be the last of the big outlays for a while unless something breaks down!

Told my mum the whole story last night and that I’m on a list for one-to-one counselling. She said she had a good idea all along but didn’t want to say anything in case she was wrong. I had been hiding the gambling so well for so long I thought but you can never hide it from her. So that leaves my younger brother and Dad to tell as Mum and older brother know. I’m doing this as I’m tired of the secrecy and lies that accompany it. The lies are me saying I’m ok for money and not worried about this or that. They deserve to know the truth and I realise and simply can’t do this alone as I’m not strong enough. It’s as much about becoming a better person, someone my son can look at and be proud to call his Daddy. It starts with my recovery.

Was reading another diary today and a story came up about a lad checking in-play odds on his phone on the bus at 7am. This was my trademark especially the past few months albeit at a slightly later time! I have lost count the amount of times I’ve stepped off the bus numb at losing a small fortune on my way to work. How can you be productive after that? Then there’s the betting whilst in work, placing one at 10 am and constantly checking the phone at my desk, it’s madness! Nobody in work has ever mentioned to me before but I do wonder have any of them noticed. My mood would change from happy and cheerful to sad and quiet in the process of the day depending on how the bets were doing. It’s not healthy those ups and downs. I’ve also skipped quite a few lunches as I’m sick to my stomach and wouldn’t be able to keep anything down. I remember one day in particular when the price of sandwiches in the shop went up 20p and I was raging. Imagine putting up their prices again only 6 months after the last rise! I proceeded to lose over 100 that day. That’s the logic of a gambler.

Anyway a busy day ahead at work so I may get back to it. I’m going to start commenting on other peoples diaries as soon as I have meaningful advice to give.

I have just left the lottery syndicate in work and opted out of the Euro 2016 sweepstake also. Previous periods and attempts at abstinence I have excluded the lottery as a form of gambling seeing it as a charity that I someday might get rich from. As for the Euros I’m just going to enjoy the football. I’m going at this the right way this time, full steam as they say.

My Grandmother found out this morning somehow. Even though I’m being open and honest with my family I didn’t want her or Grandfather to know simply because of their age and health. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if anything happened to them after hearing about my gambling again. Anyhow they know. The disappointment in her voice was crushing. I would have preferred shouting and screaming. They have been so good to me over the years, like 2^nd parents and I feel I have really let them, along with all my family down. There is no excusing it. I deserve and maybe need to feel the way I do right now in order to fully realise the consequences of my actions. I have their support and love and I have my wonderful little boy. I won’t go back to that way of life, ever

Hi SC

It seems to me that you are doing all the right things. It's not easy but you are making it harder for yourself to go back to gamble in the knowledge that you don't want to feel that disappointment in your family again. Keep going, I can see things are already getting better.

Hi there,

I think that was my diary with the 7am betting on the bus. I did all that betting all day on work getting excited when the betting got suspended. Don't miss it one bit focused on what I should be doing in work. Even got a 100% pay rise well technically I stopped gambling.

You seem to be going about it the right way it's good to tell people get there support like you say deep down they know something is wrong and now they will see you change for the better.

Keep reading and sharing and offer your support around the site it's a good way to build up a network of friends on here.

KTF

Hi Down&Out you're right it is difficult at the minute but I think it needs to be so as to remind me of the consequences of gambling if I feel the urge. Things are already getting better though as you say!

Oldham it was your diary I got that excerpt from. I'm half way reading through it and was going to comment when I'm finished, could take me a while lol! You're doing great and the fact you are still here suggests the recovery is ongoing so fair play to you.

Told my younger brother last night, he didnt sound too happy about a couple of things but I just told the truth. I'm committed to this no more secrecy and lies as they are the catalyst for all things bad. He made some valid points but will always be there for me which is good to hear. Just my Dad to tell now, he's been through it himself so should make for an interesting conversation.

Off to get the last bits of the car sorted then enjoy the rest of my day off!

Busy last couple of days. Yesterday I spent in the sunshine with a few friends surrounded by gambling. Could easily have fallen by the wayside but honestly had no interest. We all shared a few horror stories of gambling and it's more than enough to keep me away for good. The amount of lives it has ruined is scary and I won't be another 'gambling story' others will talk about.

Spent most of the day in 2 different hospitals with couple family members. Nothing too serious but makes you be thankful for what you have.

Do you ever feel like you're being pulled in so many different directions it's hard to decide which path to take? One person wants you to do a certain thing which contradicts what another wants you to do. Both are important people in your life and you just want to please everyone but it's impossible. I guess it comes down to what do I want to do. It's a tough question to answer as someone is going to feel let down and/or annoyed. Why do people put loved ones in this situation? 'Do that and I'll never forgive you, don't do this and we're finished'. It's unfair to put that on anyone. This is not related to gambling by the way, just needed somewhere to puts my thoughts down.

I suppose the reality is you can't please everyone all the time and by trying to do so will only grind away at you until there's nothing left. Is it any wonder some of us seek an escape from our lives whatever way we can.

Anyway going by the counter on my profile it's 7 days GF which is good. I look forward to that number growing everyday

So it’s 9 days GF today, double figures tomorrow! Thinking a lot about recovery recently and how I should be feeling in the process. The initial few days were full of guilt, shame and self-loathing thinking about how I’ve let loved ones and myself down. Thinking about the financial implications and how long it will take to rectify it. These feelings started to subside after about day 6 but I’m wondering if that is beneficial to my recovery. Of course there’s no point dwelling on the past as you won’t be able to move forward but should I just be getting on with life like it never happened? The reminders will be there and will pop up now and again and I do wonder is there a time limit on forgiving yourself and just getting on with life?

The biggest reminder for me will be the debt as it will take years to pay off. The only reason I gambled the past while was to try and pay off the debts quicker. That was obviously the wrong approach and maybe now I should just accept that it will take that long to sort it out. Even if it takes a further year, two or three then so be it. I’m not going anywhere! It would be nice not to have to pay out the £££ every month but this is where I am.