Prisoner to gambling

James, well done on rejoining and reposting. Reading your story is like a mirror image of my own, resonates like crazy. I'm only 11 days in to my GF life and like you have managed much longer stints GF. Keep posting and best of luck...

Day 2

Thanks gor the kind words of support Whatswrong, it is greatly appreciated! Well done on 11 days, the first couple of weeks is the hardest in my opinion.

Decided to brave going in to town today as I needed to get my haircut and a few other errands. A haircut normally costs around £300 for me as I would slip off in to the bookies. So today, I planned not to take my card and just take enough money for the haircut. However, I couldn't do this as I also needed a new battery installing in my phone, a new watch battery and the haircut so didn't know how much it would all cost. I kept telling myself, don't go in the bookies, they're evil! It worked this time and I feel like this is the first of many moral victories. I have to accept that they beat me time and time again and the fight is over.

So for the first time since I can remember, I actually enjoyed going in to town as a 'normal' human being. The new battery in my phone was a fraction of what i thought it would be so I treated myself to a book. I got Russell Brands new book about addiction and I'm looking forward to reading and hopefully learning from it.

Here's to another gamble free day

Thanks for reading

James

James very similar to me I've had a few ВЈ1000 t shirts and jeans and haircuts over the years, you've got to laugh about it. I won ВЈ800 last week then tried to win another £50 for a sports bet and lost in all. Left the bookies sweating and wanted to cry. What's the point in gambling at all? Keep it up im on day 4 so will regularly check in on your diary

Day 2

Sad to report that I gambled on Thursday, I don't know what came over me. It just came out of the blue, I didn't intend to gamble. I walked in to a bookies and spent the cash i had on me. This wasn't enough to feed the habit and felt like I'd already let myself down so there was 'no point in stopping'. I lost £300 in total. The daft thing is, I recovered at one point and could have walked away evens. This again shows that i cannot win because I cannot stop. Some people call it greed but I feel like its more to do with feeding the buzz in my brain. I just didn't want to stop and wasn't ready to leave when I got myself back to where I started.

That was two days ago. I'm annoyed at myself but I'm back gleaming some positivity out of a rubbish situation. I have started reading Russell Brands book 'Recovery' and its helping me understand and change my approach to this addiction.

Onwards and upwards

Thanks for reading

James

Reading your diary sounds similar to me the one one way I stopped in bookies is doing the multi self exclude that just stops all temptation and I've been bout 6month gfree from high street bookies units just online ones are my issues now

Day 4

Thanks for the post Christer1, how does that work then? Do they just upload your photo to a database? How do they enforce that contrywide, bet there is loads of people on it. Does sound good though, something that would help me.

No real major urges to gamble as I have no money. Pay day is in two days and have to be on my guard. Trying to fill my time as much as possible mainly doing exercise.

Still tempted to gamble and have even been watching youtube videos of streamers which I know is bad and I am trying to stop this as this could easier trigger me to gamble when I have the money to do so.

Onwards and upwards

James

Had another relapse over the last couple of weeks and feel the lowest i've felt for a long time. I'm starting to think that i'll always be a gambler, i'm weak and out of control. I'm back here because I don't want to be known as a gambler, i don't want that to define who I am.

I was doing really well and had no intentions of going in to a bookies but whilst on route to get my haircut, I sneaked in to a bookies while my wife was shopping. I ended up losing £400 in the space of an hour.

Since then, I have managed to set up another account on my phone for an online casino and lost around £2000. I can't even believe I'm writing that figure as its an insane amount of money and something that will take around a year to replace.

I've self excluded my account as i do with every account after a gambling binge. Having to look at ways to get through to payday.

I'm really sick of everything gambling has done to me. I need to break the cycle of being able to quit for a few weeks then go back to it.

Heads all over the place tonight, will hope to have a clearer head tomorrow so I can tackle this properly.

Regards

James

Hi James you've been here a long time. Probably had loads of advice. I'm wife of cg. Does your wife know? The best thing to do is hand over the finance, bank accounts, cards. You say you want to stop but you are still carrying cards and cash. If you want to stop you will do anything. Go to GA. Stop the cycle. Stop the excuses.

Hi Merry go round,

You're right, i've had some good advice over the last couple of years and very grateful for it and also the support has been fantastic.

My wife doesn't know, I know there is never a good time to tell her, but she is going through a bad time at the moment and couldn't bare to put this on her yet. I will definitely be telling her, I know this sounds like an excuse, I just can't put it on her at the moment. In fact I've been really wanting to tell her for the first time, I've been scared in the past, but I now know its the only way I will truly tackle this problem.

The finances get put in to one pot at the moment and we both have our own accounts that we transfer money in to for the month and the main account pays the bills etc. When I tell the wife I will be providing her with my login details.

I do still carry my bank cards but this is also stopping, I will only carry my joint account card for any emergency purchases. My wife can see these transactions so I would never gamble with it. The plan will be to just take enough cash with me for whatever I need which should put an end to the £300 haircuts!

I've self excluded from all sites and will be buying blocking software when I can afford it.

It's been a bad year, I cannot make next year another bad year as I'm getting older and missing out on more and more opportunities. I've had some dark thoughts along the way which I have never had before so hoping to get some councilling in the New Year.

Today has been a lot better, did a 64 mile bike ride which has cleared my head and gave me focus on how to tackle this so feeling a lot more positive.

Onwards and upwards,

Thanks for reading

James

Hi James thanks for your comment on my diary.
Well done admitting you've relapsed and reaching out. Resetting that day counter is hard to do. Well done for self excluding and planning to talk to your wife.
I think speaking to your wife is going to be key to help you conquer this once and for all. Also handing over financial control might help. I handed over all my cards to my husband but I had them back around a week later, it was not for me but I now get monthly paper statements to show him I'm on track and that I'm also clearing the debt.
You need to find and agree a plan that suits you...but talk to your wife sooner rather than later.
It's the hardest thing I ever did but after the initial reaction had passed and all had calmed down it was like a switch had been flicked and everything was so much easier to deal with. A weight had been lifted.

Sorry to read you've had a bad year, I hope 2018 is a great year for you

Day 5

Thanks Slot Fool, some great advice! I agree, speaking with the wife is going to be a massive step forward for me. I can imagine this would feel like a weight being lifted as it is hard to go it alone.

I keep getting urges to watch slots videos on youtube, this is how much I miss them which is so sad because they've done nothing but destroy my life. They are bad for a recovering addict as they make you think you can win. They often but up videos of wins and rarely losses so it gives a false sense of how the slots play.

Other than that, it's been a busy Christmas which has been good to get my mind off things and now back at work so less opportunity to gamble.
Just need to keep dealing with the urges and get through each day

Onwards and upwards

James

Day 7

A week on and feeling better for abstaining. It hasn't been easy, lots of urges but managed to stay strong. Doing my best to reduce the opportunities to gamble which is helping. Also reading books about addiction to help me understand my problems better.

Thinking about debt a lot which is normal so early on I guess. The real test will be when I have money again but I need to prepare for this nearer the time.

Found myself watching youtube videos of people playing FOBTs and slots. This needs to stop completely now as this will encourage urges to gamble.
Other than that, all is good. Onwards and upwards

James

Day 11

11 days in and the urges aren't as frequent at the moment, partly due to having not enough money to gamble. Not really missing it either, enjoying normal things instead of having to rely on gambling for a buzz. Really want to get through 2018 without gambling a single penny. If I manage this, there is a good change I can get rid of the majority of my gambling debt which will be a huge milestone. I have been in debt due to gambling for 10 years which is sad.

It will mean I can actually do things, fed up of turning down days out / away due to always being skint.

Enjoyed a lovely Christmas and New Year with the family, this is what is important in life, not slots and FOBTS!

Onwards and upwards

James

Hi James

I can relate, once went in the bookies for a 'free cup of tea' - ended up costing me close to £500.

Self exclusion does work, particularly if you go into the same town all the time as there are only so many bookies there.

Shaun