Starting again

So I almost told him, feeling like vomit is going to come up instead of words but I started to tell him.. I said his name as he went to go down stairs and I stopped. I couldn’t carry it on knowing I was going to ruin it all, and with us going on holiday potentially ruin that for him too!

My body over the last few days has been really bad, not being hungry, not holding much food down and feeling run down...

I know I need to tell him but when do I tell him that I am a complete mess and know he is going to leave me and we will have to sell the house and cancel the wedding and end life as we know it... all because I can’t go the rest of my life without gambling?!

And the worst bit? Coming to terms with the situation again, the telly is on and a stupid advert for gambling site comes on... when will they put a stop to the constant barrage of adverts and promotions to pry us away from the straight and narrow so that they can put us in an even deeper hole!

Hi Btapp

I would love to give you the answers and tell you everything is going to be ok but I think you know you have a pretty difficult time ahead of you whatever you decide to do. It can get better though.

General advice seems to be you need to be honest and tell your partner everything. Holding anything back is just going to risk your partner finding out later and being even more upset that you pretended to be coming clean when you were not. I know timing is pretty awful with your holiday coming up but until you confess and start getting some help from your partner then you are going to continue to feel terrible and quite possibly carry on gambling as are going to struggle to properly start your recovery. Telling my wife was one of the worst days of my life but it was the start of being able to forgive myself and put actions in place to deal with this evil habit of ours.

You will have to make your own decision and I wish you the best in whatever you decide - don't forget you are not on your own.

Keep posting.

Hi btapp

What are you gambling on, is it sports and online? That was my problem as well and those adverts are everywhere they should be banned.

What is you current situation if you don't mind me asking are you in debt? I had to go through 5 years with an iva when it felt like there was no way out. It took a long time but there was a way out and you have start somewhere

Why would your partner leave you? You need to tell him cause you can't beat this thing alone. It will hurt at first and he probably won't understand but show him the forum and he can see for himself how this effects so many people.

There is always something you can do to make this right, it's not too late and you have to start somewhere. It gets easier over time

Hope to hear from you and any questions I will do my best to help

Dan

Hi

Thank you for your support. I have been gambling on and off for 4/5 years now. The last time I told him he said if I do it again then that is it, it’s over. I have shown him the forum but he doesn’t understand that gambling is an addiction and he isn’t willing to consider it, feeling that we have the choices to do what we are doing. He has an instant reaction which will no doubt be ending our relationship as he said he would before but I hope after a short period of time he would change his mind and want to support me through it. In the past I have said about him checking my bank account but he didn’t want to saying I am a grown adult and need to take responsibility for myself.

I have just taken out a new loan paying off my existing loan and taking £1k more then got in my over draft. I will be £850 in my over draft by end of the month, have £850 on credit card which is 0% interest until end of next year and then loan until end of next year which I plan to pay off month maybe two before with over payments. He knows I have a credit card and I have a loan as I always had one paying off past gambling and a new car ... but I went back again! My demon is slot machines online.. in person I hate parting with cash so if I ever do go in a casino I don’t do more than £20 but online I don’t see the money so for some reason I don’t register it the same way... I just have to figure out the right time to tell him to see what happens to us and our life. We own our house and he pays the mortgage because of my loan, I always make sure I have money to pay any bills to come out but it can be within the over draft so I guess I don’t technically have the money in the first place.

So I have woken up early to the sickening feeling of knowing that I have gone back again to the slots... I have been waking up like this for the past week to two which was the relapse period. Always feeling like I have no one to tell because everyone has had enough of me now and of this. I can’t see a way out that won’t involve me losing so much, but the pain and anxiety of that is no reason to avoid it. I need to be honest in order to move forward... but when they say what’s different this time I honestly don’t know anymore. I want to be able to say so badly that I will never do it again and mean it, after all that’s what I’ve done every other time and meant it... but I know now that it will just be seen as words. I know my mum has been through it all with me and it’s tearing her apart.. my partner doesn’t know about the last time because of the fear of us ending.. the consequence and reality of this situation is overwhelming. Has anyone had relapses and told their family who have continued to be by their side?

The worst part for me is the wedding next year, my mum is getting the dress because she is amazing but this is £1650 not including alterations! We’re going abroad for the wedding which people have booked now... so for me to tell him and for us to end would be a burden on so many people so yet even more people to hate me because of this disgusting addiction.

Why do I go back? How do I know this time is it and no more?? Feeling so lost and a complete disappointment to everyone around me.

Sorry guys I am using this as my go to for anything that comes into my head right now..

I’ve got up and gone downstairs. I can’t be in the same bed as him knowing what it is I have done, knowing what is inevitably going to happen and how much I have broken his heart. I think I will tell him today, yet am so worried it will ruin the holiday in two weeks for him.. no doubt he wouldn’t want me to go and how can I blame him?! How can I be the one to be angry at him for anything, he goes to work and does over time and pays almost all the house bills. I go to work, don’t do any overtime because it isn’t an option, and pay off my stupid debts from gambling over the years and then the food for the house.

I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to lose my life and I want to marry him he is my soul mate... but I know when I tell him he will just see me as what I am. Worthless, liar, disgusting coward..

Then for my Mum.. my rock and best friend? Can she even see her daughter anymore, will she look at me and see some stranger who is incapable of sticking to her word and causing so much pain and destruction around her.. guess I will find out if she has any chance of being able to continue to support me whilst I have yet again thrown another wobbly in this recovery process.

Today is my new day 0, and is unfortunately going to be the day that changes my life as I know it.

Hi Btapp. I'm wife of a cg, have stayed and endured! Things that pop up in your threads are your feelings of worthlessness and how you think that's how your family will see you. Your mum will love you unconditionally, she may not understand but she's got a stake in your behaviour. Your partner is in denial. How can you marry an addict knowingly and not care about their wellbeing? This is forever, you have to control it and take one day at a time. I see my cg has problems with dealing with stress, emotions, talking. He withdraws into depression and gambles. I set boundaries, took over finance. I wouldn't expect an alcoholic to look after the wine. Some are different and think you should learn to manage your money, but my cg showed me he wasn't responsible so I do it. Marriage and partnerships are about tolerance, love and support. If he knew/knows you're an addict he needs to find out about it. It's foolish to ignore it. He found out before and agreed to continue the relationship. I know that doesn't help your dilemma but maybe they are things you should think about. Turning a blind eye is not helping you. Yes you should tell him, you are afraid because he has laid down rules which you can't promise to keep. Reality is you need to stop regardless of him. This is ruining your mental health. As you say it's not about the money, it's about the feeling. So call gamcare get advice, counselling whatever they offer. Then go to GA. You have to accept you are an addict, a compulsive gambler. Get help. You need to find something else to do, to distract you and fill the need that gambling fills. Don't wait until tomorrow when it could be worse, do something about it today. Good luck!

Btapp wrote:

So I have woken up early to the sickening feeling of knowing that I have gone back again to the slots... I have been waking up like this for the past week to two which was the relapse period.

Hi Btapp

Sorry you are still feeling so low. Are you still actually gambling or are you waking up with guilt of recent gambling?

If you are still gambling then you need to find a way to find a way to physically stop yourself. Can you destroy your debit/credit cards? Going to be inconvenient but facing your husband or mum and saying you want to stop but still be gambling is going to be even more difficult.

If you are not sure your husband will understand or be able to support you, could you hand your finances over to your mum, get some counselling/GA help and then sit down with your husband and explain to him the things you have put in place to try and control your problem?

Sounds like you really need to talk to someone, letting this go round and round in your head is probably making it even worst. I know I was spending every waking hour thinking/worrying about what I had done once I finally understood I had a problem.

Sorry I have no better answers, just could not leave your messages without reply as you sound so down. Hopefully someone with more experience/knowledge can advise.

Look after yourself.

Thank you for your kind support. I have not been gambling it’s the weight of it and the reality of the relapse that’s hitting me hard.

I have spoken to my sister this morning who is the most amazing person in the world. She doesn’t care about anything but me and my well being. She’s got a new born so didn’t want to ruin her day but I had to speak to someone. This has helped me a lot. I have sat down and scrutinised my finances and figured I will be okay in terms of what my plan was. I am fortunate in that I haven’t completely ruined my money again and can continue to live my life and pay the debt off in the timescale I had before.

The one thing I cannot forgive is the companies who plug advert after advert, watching something with 4 different adverts of websites in one ad break for a show! I mean come on...

I have overcome this before and I think I am so frustrated with me and that I went back that I am struggling to see past that. But I think with time and support I will be okay, we all have to start at day 0 right?

For me and my hubby to be, I am figuring it out how and when to tell him. That is the hardest part.. I know it is likely to be the end. But I hope he can forgive and be there for me, but I know on his side the issue of trust. It’s a big learning curve again but I will get through it

Hi again

Sorry to hear you're struggling I know it's not easy. Firstly remember your debt doesn't sound very big so you can tackle that easily. If you think your debt is big now believe me it will only get worse if you continue to gamble. I went through 5 years of an iva and around 40k debt so have certainly learnt the hard way.

I know it will be difficult to admit to your partner again but if he really is the one he should support you. I think you need a plan in place as to how this time you are going to quit for good.

For me I have k9 web blocker set up which my wife has the passcode so I have no idea what it is, you can never beat this unless you have the blocks in place. I am also updating my diary once a week and showing my wife so we can talk about any issues I might have had.

It is very hard to admit but in the long run you will feel a lot happier instead of keeping things to yourself.

Speak again soon

Now we are coming to the end of the day I am feeling better. I have decided to not tell my partner until after our holiday. He is so excited for it, we go in two weeks so I think it is unfair to spring this on him before we go..

When we get back I will need to figure out how and when is best to tell him. I have got the restrictions on my phone now through apple adult restrictions.

I know it is selfish of me to not want to tell him through fear of losing him and that he deserves to know but my god it’s terrifying!

Hi Btapp and welcome to the forum.

I noticed a comment you made regarding the adverts on television. Where you are in your recovery I think it is important to try and focus your energy on things you can change that are directly relevant to you. You are 100% right about them, however like it or not they are here to stay for the time being. If you feel seeing them may be a trigger for you to start thinking about gambling again then try and put a block in place - change channel during advert brakes, if watching a recoded programme then fast forward past the adverts, go make a cup of tea perhaps.

I recently told my partner about my problem and I consider myself very fortunate that she is 100% supportive of me and the choices I now make every day to avoid gambling. It's near impossible for anyone on here to advise on a situation like yours (and plenty of us on here have had to do it), but I think it's great that you found the strength to tell your sister. It also sounds like you are not ready to tell your partner today and I do not think there's anything wrong with that - you have to be 100% ready to do it and face the consequences and from your posts so far I don't think you are at that point yet.

There are plenty of folk on here with lots of experience who will share it with you over time. By starting a diary you are showing that you know what you are doing is wrong and you are taking the first steps to change your life for the better. The chat rooms on here are also worth a visit.

Stay safe and stay GF Btapp.

Hi Btapp, I agree with the previous message from ste_ven, you need to be sure and ready to tell your partner. I gambled about £10k, and up to yet have decided not to tell my wife. I’m an honest person so it goes against the grain quite a bit. Luckily £10k hasn’t destroyed my life financially and I’m dealing with that and gradually clawing things back as I’ve got a well paid job.

All said and done I’m now 95 days gf, I made a promise to myself to stop on my wife’s birthday, and can honestly say I’m not tempted to go back. I was similar to you with the guilt, I wasn’t sleeping, was depressed and lay next to wife in bed beating myself up about what I’d done to her and my girls!! The only issue I really have is still that guilt from time to time, and even though my wife doesn’t know I’m making it my mission to get everything back to where it was financially.

You can do this, I promise you that you will feel so much better as time goes on, whether you decide to tell your partner or not, that’s your decision and there is no right or wrong.

Good luck

Thank you, honestly the response on here are enough to know I’m not alone and each situation is unique. Thank you United2017 for sharing with me that you haven’t told your wife, I was a bit worried yesterday there was something wrong with me not telling him! But as ste_ven said I am not in the right place to deal with it.

My sister has been amazing in her support and understands that this is something that I have to be in constant control of or else it skips and look what happens. Thinking about the start of the relapse there was no evident urge (that I thought) to do it... it was rather silent little brain thoughts I guess and before I knew it I was off again. I need to remember to cut off those demons early.. my sister come up with a good idea of committing myself to a short circuit I can do anywhere so if I ever get the urge to do it then do that instead... will also help for the weight loss for the wedding.

One day down forever to go. Thank you all for reading, Btapp