reborn on the 4th July

hi Castle

wide awake and reading ....

just popping in to say that I hope it all goes well today at the counsellers...sorry to hear about the stuff in work but I know you will face it on Sunday ...

In the meantime, try not to worry if you can as you still have two days of your own time.

Im really glad your friend is reading your diary....and good on you for letting her "in" as that takes guts....These diaries do go a long way to improve understanding ..even if in the short term it is still confusing for people..the reading plants seeds and in the long term it makes sense.

I know a few people read mine and I just say it as it is...no editng for their benefit as that would be against my recovery.

Keep making those choices Castle..You are on the right path and have people who very much care for your recovery and we are all on a learning curve. ..

Perhaps a new interest in poetry is coming your way?

R and D xx

hi castle

carl

Good Morning Castle,

Good to see you feeling a little more settled even if those buggers come lurking!

I'm glad your friend now hopefully will have a better understanding of where you are and how you tick

Don't stress about work , i'm learning to a little less and it does make the down time more enjoyable!

Hope you have a great bet free weekend

Lucy 🙂

Been a busy couple of days , yesterday must av spent bout 2 hours throughout the day on the phone to work. So many problems av happened this week it's unreal will be glad to be back Sunday so can start to get things sorted , in some ways it was good as it kept me busy but in others it was a wasted stressful day , had a nice lay in today and chilled a bit better just a couple of phone calls to work , daughter will be comin round soon so lookin forward to that

I know I need to try switch off from work but there's 101 things running through my head and it's hard to shake them , still applying the one day at a time rule so will try and enjoy the rest of the day and worry bout work tomorrow

Urges are still there but I know why with all the stress from work but I will make that choice and choose not to gamble

Yo,

Crazy really how one of our negative attributes can also be one of our biggest assets .

Me like you give 110% to our job , but then find it almost impossible to leave it at the front door when we leave for the night . When I speak to my co workers I find that the majority of them , in fact all bar me , can just walk way and not give it a second thought untill they return , they rarely talk bout work to friends or family when outside the building . Me I am the opposite , you I suspect are much the same .

So where is the positive , I recon we are incredibly loyal, to our staff and our company . Which is a good thing , but can take its toll on us . I do not think I can be change completely but I am trying very hard to create some balance and saying to myself , leave it and address that when you next go in.

I know this is helping with my stresses levels , and like you said living for today is what counts . The problems will still be there tomorrow , and almost all of them can be dealt with tomorrow . So to speak .......

Slowly I see you putting yourself and your well being first . Well along with MG , every time I write that I think of the car . Lol

We will get there , I have no doubt , it takes time, it takes patience but more than anything it takes a willingness to take a long hard look at yourself , make changes, but never forgetting to acknowledge and celebrate the good .

Hope you have a really nice evening , will be watching the x , tomorrow on catch up . So expect a little message for my special little x pal , on my views .

Take care , big hug to you both .....

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Morning,

One of those emotional rollercoasters lately. Seems like you have been dealing with a hundred and one things I have felt in your posts you scrambling for the light. Sometimes in the dark it is not that easy to find. However, as Shiny so rightly said the last few days you seem to be moving forward again. It is about putting you first ultimately.

I continue to look for your posts each day and hope the forward momentum continues, the forum is a much stronger place with your presence.

Flagg

Hi Castle,

This journey is like a rollercoaster ride, u have been thru some really tough times.... But ur determination and strength remains. I am proud of u 🙂

I have alot of time 4 u, and u deserve nothing but happiness!

I hope u had a gr8 day with ur daughter 🙂

Take care x

Hi Castle. Glad to hear your feeling so strong after your recent slip. I understand what you mean by never going back to day 1. And a slip is just a small bump on a long road. Have fun with work today hope its not to bad for ya. Keep you busy i suppose.

Thanks for the posts recently they've help me through a tough week. Ive just gotta keep in my head that gambling makes me feel terrible. I hate wasting time. Ive never been any good at relaxing, i like to be doing something all the time. So when all i do for an hour is sit and think about my next gambling move it really pains me to waste an hour of my life i'll never see again. Bloody gambling such a strong addiction and one very few understand unless your an addict yourself.

Anyway i do hope work was ok today and wish you the best with the divorce coming to an end and hope you can get a transfer in juanuary if thats still the plan.

Nothin like a good hard day at work I just don't know where the time went could do with been there all day and night but sayin that goin to try switch off from it

With loads and loads of urges last week and with my relapse still fresh in my mind I decided to close my 3 online accounts that were still open I sent them all an email and to be fair all av emailed back and 2 av advised containing gamcare , I put content lock on my phone and thought I would av to go to t mobile store to put back on but found out just need to type in my credit card details , also downloaded k9 which seemed ok got my daughter to put a password in without tellin me but logged onto here and wouldn't let me enlarge my screen so couldn't see anything was too small a writing so had to lake that off , no other suitable blocks for mobiles which I find hard to believe with all today's technology

Other than that doin ok and feel positive just takin it that one day at a time

Yo,

Looks like I just nicked your 700 post , wow what a few tales those posts tell, one of honesty ,at times struggle but most of all determination and humility .

Fair play my friend ......

Anyways message for MG , thought the x was rubbish this week. Ella was good but have seen her better , the rest were over produced, the judges talked people up when they were not good and well to too top it off that cry baby Rylan should not only have gone hone but should not be on it in the first place . So let's hope they get there acts together or my weekly pleasure will be my weekly pleasure no more .

Catch you laters

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Castle,

Thank you so much for your post. You are right, I have finally managed to find the right balance between my recovery and moving on with my life without gambling in it. I still try and keep close to the site, because it helps me to remember where I came from not so long ago, but also know that I have to try and remove all thoughts of gambling once in a while. I think I’m well on the way to finding the happy medium which is all one can ask for really.

Soooo glad that things seem to be getting better for you and I know that whatever has happened recently, will stand you in great stead for the future. You really are a fine example of how to learn from your mistakes and use them to your advantage to get even stronger in the future!

Keep going Castle.. good times are just round the corner! 😉

Lmm

Just been reading up in the intro section and a thought as entered my mind on why I gambled recently and most definitely over the last 3 year's

Stress playing a massive part of it with many goin through many life problems and not dealing with them , at the moment work is just so stressful on my mind all the time and just can't switch off this is bringing many urges on to gamble and block it out

If I gambled or when I gambled and lost lookin back now it was a relief to lose in a way willing that last bet to lose so I could get out of the door of the bookies , only then would I return to my normal self , once the acceptance of what had happened was installed in my brain I could then think now I had gambled and lost and created myself a financial problem this would somehow counteract my problem I was stressing bout in the 1st place this would effectively divert my mind from that problem and now it did not seen as bad as before I gambled as I now had created a new one to worry bout

It's amazing how u can see more clearly when gambling is not in our lives , my brain understands why I gambled the key is to keep it focussed at all times which I know myself is easy when life is good and running smooth , when problems like now I need to plan my days and make it so hard for myself when the urges come

It is a long hard journey but time is a great healer and in time the brain starts to realise and helps us to make that decision and choose each day not to gamble

well thanks for the post to me thread. guess if anything we can keep piecing them pieces together to get that better picture into why we gamble. guess the more we understand what sets us off and sends us running to it the more likely we can catch it before it happens. good luck and never give up.

hi castle

carl

Good evening Castle

I can't begin to tell you how your post to my diary made such a difference! Thank you so much for your words and most of all your understanding of what I was going through.

I also relate to your last post when you talk about knowing your going to lose but do it anyway so it becomes another way of managing other stresses in our lives. I guess we may have used gambling as a way of 'escaping' if that makes any sense. My recent relapse hit me quite hard but I have learnt from it in the sense that I can never just have a small gamble....I can never win and all it leads to is more misery, disappointment and a whole load of more stresses relating to spending too much money.

You are doing so well Castle and you have such insight into the demons of gambling. I also think your one of the most supportive people on the site...so thank you for that.

And thank you once again for posting what you did on my diary!

Forwards not back

Jewels