reborn on the 4th July

Just don't seem to av a second at the moment its either work or Jessica I don't av a second to myself , will be pleased when normality returns next week , read very quickly a few diaries but just not had time to respond to anyone

Loads of threads goin bout to join for been gamble free for a month a year , I really av mixed views bout them I can see the importance for the focus but for me the pressure it can put u under is too much depending where u r with ur recovery

B4 my 2nd slip which was 8 months gamble free some days I lived in fear of relapsing and just simply wasn't enjoying life now I don't fear that but thats due to where I am right now I av a lot of control I know if I did slip thats all it would be there's no goin back to that permanent misery

So for me there is an advantage for relapsing it does make u stronger and mentally wiser , I do take my hat off to those who av stayed gamble free in there recovery that is a massive achievement

Ultimately each recovery is personal and whatever suits the individual , as long as we continue on our journeys thats all that matters to me

Hopefully will catch up with u all soon

Hi Castle,

sorry to hear that you are in pain. I am grieving at this time as well. It sounds like you are solid in your resolve to keep gambling and destructive relationships out of your life and that is good progress. No, great progress. Stand strong and proud Castle. -joanxx

Hi Castle,

Thank u 4 ur support on my diary as always 🙂

I just wanted 2 wish u a Happy new yr 🙂

I truly hope u get all the happiness u deserve in 2013!

Take care xx

Eventually managed to catch up and read and post on a few diaries , obviously something has kicked off on here and there's a lot of bad feeling goin on round here and all bout who people really are , av to say it saddens me greatly and for me just overshadows the real issue why we are here , I try not to get involved but sometimes in the past av been protective of charlotte who just seems to take knock after knock with someone having ago , the only reason why is I find her such a supportive person and has helped me personally contribute to my own recovery

Over the last 11 months I av tried to share my support out and not got clique with anyone the only 2 people who I drew close to was shiny and Lucy , shiny I will always be eternally grateful for her support right from day one and Lucy had many similarities in our personal lives , sadly they av gone to pastures new which I couldn't be more happy for

them

I always knew when to hold back though as times an emotional attachment was there , I never lose the fact that my diary is here to benefit me yes other will read and support that I accept I write some real personal stuff but its all to benefit me , I don't av a lot of support outside of here and not really anyone to talk to so I av to get it off my chest and it helps to see it in black and white , ultimately its all bout me which it has to be

For me my life is turning around and thats all down to me making the right choices in life and I certainly won't let anyone on here affect that real or not real

Spot on Castle..your diary in 100% about you.

Mutual support is great but your diary is your space to be yourself through your recovery...primiarily we are not on here to make friends but if natural affinites form then thats great and can make the journey much better.

Im sure the moderators will be on soon anyway...

your doing great.

R and D xx

Hi Castle,

Just to let you know am back on top form now!

Know you are gonna laugh but am joining on line dating...geeez hope your profile aint on there cos we may get match....LOL

Too funny!

Sue x

Good post regarding the current gamcare "situation".

And yes Taylor still the man. Was a great tourney and I enjoyed it so much more without a bet. 2013 is gonna be a good one. Had a few urges on some golf antepost but I thought why ruin the sports I like to watch with worry and stress of betting.

Hi Castle,

Thank u doesn't seem enough, but thank u 4 ur support, it means a lot 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xx

A good day at work yesterday everything out of xmas and back to normality , worked with my friend and was ok we spoke ok but know I need to be strong as the feelings are still there but this time my head is leading the way not my heart

Got an appointment at the gym tonite to av a look round will be 20 quid a month with only a 3 month equipment , av to pay a 20 quid admin charge as well to set up ! Bout right in this day and age , goin to be limited to what I do as both my knees now are shot to pieces , the exercise will do me good and more importantly keep me busy on day off with a possibility of meeting new people this was sometimg last year I talked bout doin but never did this time I'm doin it

Thats the bitter taste left in my mouth from last year people talking the talk but not walking the walk , and thats the determination for me to move on and one way or another I will

Sounds great, joining the gym. Hope your appointment goes well and that those £20 a month goes a very long way in beating this evil addiction.

Love the inclusion of my current favourite word:

Normality!

NT

Hi Castle,

Jeez...u on the gym....me too much wine and you are getting to the bottom of my posting list.

Love to princess....And am so impressed with your behaviour to "lady friend"

Go castle.....Go castle!

Hugs Womble xx

Hi Castle,

Thank u 4 always supporting me thru the good and the bad times... It means a lot 2 me 🙂

2013 is gonna be ur yr, u soooo deserve it 🙂

I hope Jessica is ok 🙂

Take care xxxx

hey Castle....thank you for your support and also for understanding how i use my diary....

To the onlooker it looks like a total car crash some days two steps forward then 10 back..I dont have a linear line of progression but the feelings I write on here are the ones if not expressed somehow i would act out on...as Duncs says...it's like somedays im putting out the trash which is how i also use meetings...

Your so right that i dont get on here to win friends ..lol

but the ones who do still post and read like you do are ones who understand what im doing and thats all that matters.

Understanding is something i think we all want and requires us to step in anothers shoes sometimes.I have learned a lot from people with children whereas before I would not have looked at the bigger picture and the impact on those little people.

Also ...you are ready now to action those thoughts you had,...and the gym is a fab idea Castle...

I sing ..but my heart is still not in it but i will start again just not yet as im still hiding out ....

Sincerest of wishes to you my friend and you have actioned so much you said you would..sometimes life throws us opportunities and the situation with your friend is moving now after you probably thinking it was stuck ...

onwards my friend

R and D xx

Thanks everyone

Gym appointment went well a bit daunting looking round but the determination and motivation for the continuation of a better life saw me through , so all signed up and induction next Tuesday on my next day off

Also had a session at counselling which now is very clear , she has helped me as much as she can guided me in the right direction but without judging and helped me get through some difficult times , we left it yesterday that I would just call back in 6 weeks for a chat as we really av gone as far as we can go it would be just goin over old ground , its simply down to me to make the right decisions in life now

The comparisons with my friend and gambling were uncanny , with gambling I always gave into it made me feel bad bout myself the pain and the misery it brought me but always went back hoping for that change of fortune that big win which was always out of reach but the thrill and excitement was addictive , with my friend when we were together it was magical when we weren't I felt so bad bout myself it brought me so much pain and misery but I always went back hoping for her to change but always knowing she was just out of reach , I was weak and gave in just like gambling

Now I am strong and want that better life yes it hurts like mad but my head is leading the way not my heart , I know life will continue to get better and it will

All by me making the right decisions like gambling I can't go back I won't go back this I av to do my future depends on it

hey castle...

just reading there "the comparisons with my friend and gambing were uncanny"....

I totally get that as thats exactly all my stuff...me and my ex always switching roles sometimes me "chasing potential losses" ...of each other..... sometimes him.

Taking it to breaking point then the relief of "lets try one more time".clawing it back....I also was like you going back and hoping that he could be different or I could be different and then this time we would be ok..but never doing what we should have done which was to quit.

We were both like drug addicts feeding off each other and getting all the withdrawl symptoms and stomach churning to boot..

Its exhausting isnt it?..cant live with cant live without and you know what?...we didnt even "like" each other..lol...really thats true!!..the people i have the most intense pull to are often ones who as people i don't like..how foooked up is that?

One thing that sticks in my mind is the "fear" of being alone or without that other person ..is far worse than the reality..

You're on the right road Castle and i can see you are having your own breakthroughs...we are all on the right path to make healtier choices for ourselves.

sorry for rambling ...R and D xx