Recovery diary from inside the casino...

Day 39,

Feeling very depressed today. No thoughts about gambling, it just makes me feel sick. Accepting what has happened and trying to move on with my life is very difficult at times. I keep telling myself its only a year, but everyone seems to be moving forward with their lives and I feel stuck in mine. Another year until I can get back to where I was 3 months ago and start thinking of a future for myself. I may be depressed, but I am happy for today I did not gamble.

Scambling

Day 42,

Feeling more postive today. Payday is coming up and I'm really looking forward to paying off another chunk of my debt. Time is going so fast, but also sometimes a day can feel like an entire age, it's weird. I will however continue to rack up the GF days.

Scambling

Well done mate.

The debt is something I always thought about constantly and just wanted it paid off as soon as I could, but don't punish yourself. Enjoy life. Go out, see friends, family and reward yourself with those little things. Took me a while to see the benefits of not gambling as I was just punishing myself. It's those little pat on the backs we give ourself are what I think will keep me going to a gamble free life.

Hope your well.

Dan

Day 45,

Hi Dan and thank you for your comment. I do agree with everything you say, but trying to keep this is my mind is difficult at times. I know it gets easier as the months pass, I have experienced it before. 45 days and I'm still not myself, however I am far away from gambling and looking forward to payday to knock off another chunk of my debt.

Scambling

Day 53,

Payday has passed and again I have made some big payments towards my debt again. Still looking at £13300 but down almost £1000 from last month. Still a long way to go and to be honest not really feeling any different inside... still really struggling to relax and be myself around people. Still struggling with rejection. Still struggling to accept. No urges to gamble though. I haven't managed a GA meeting in 3 weeks now due to work, so visit the forums regularly.

My heart is in so much pain. I have never felt so alone these last 2 months. I can't really invision a future for myself at the moment. I feel like my life is on hold. I'm not sure when or how I will feel normal again and that scares me. Have I already damaged myself beyond repair through gambling...?

Scambling

Day 73,

I haven't posted in a while, which disappoints me, however I have thought about posting a lot, just not really a lot has changed/happened. I did manage to get to a meeting recently, which raised my spirits. It gave me energy to sort through a few things, which in turn has made me more comfortable with my situation. 73 days have really gone quite fast... I still find it difficult at times to accept my circumstances, but I feel it's starting to ease. Hopefully my journey into recovery remains true.

Scambling

Hello Scambling reading your situation pulled some strings as im in a very similair situation. Ive been gambling 12 years myself. I am now 29 and while I do not work at a Casino I work for the Genting but in a Hotel environment; so I work next door to one; I did gamble there also before I got a job there. It's difficult when you see so many people in and out minus the addiction yet ive done so much damage to myself. What do you do exactly as your job in the Casino? Im suprised that a Casino is happy about a staff member gambling.

Evening Scrambling, Glad your still here and doing well on your recovery, but it does read as more of a debt recovery not a life recovery, I see a few people have already said but you need to look after number one formost, your debt is well within a sensable limit to live a life and repay it. have you looked into stopping the interest on any of your debt, it may be differnet for yourself as you seem to be able to make all your paymeants but if that is leaving you with nothing to live on then you can ask, none of the big companies exspect you to live in the same clothes for years as you just pay your debts off. You have done great so far but I do you feel your are in the same place I was when it all got too much, I call it the naughty child when you get caught out I do everything to repay the money and just sit in the corner drinking water, thinking I can`t have anything as I have been so bad, but the truth is thats not good for you cos once the debt is gone you haven`t filled the gap in your life you need to start living now and pay the debt off in the background get out with old friends or just make new ones, treat yourself put yourself and loved ones first, gambling with never make you friends it just steals your time and your emotions you will find it hard at first but your ready to move on.

All the best

Chris

Day 74,

Hi AaronM - I'd rather not give my job title out. You would be surprised just how many casino workers develop gambling related problems. Technically I can't lose my job as this is not misconduct. It's just a personal issue. I may however lost a bit of trust from my peers. For you in your situation I think you need to look at self exclusion. Get some barriers up. Might sound scary, but it will ease your mind.

Hi Ineffable - Thankyou for your kind words. What you said is true. I have to be kinder to myself... Slowly I am getting there. I'm sure the longer I stay away the more upbeat I will get. I did treat myself lately buying some clothes and going out with an old friend, but didn't overdo it of course. Good luck on your journey.

Hi Screwball - Reading what you said hit me a little. Now I look back I have always been on a debt recovery program. Anytime I relapsed was due to just getting sick and tired of doing nothing. I will take your advice and try to find a middle ground.

As payday is approaching I have relaxed my payments slightly to allow for xmas presents. Nothing too big, but I don't want to be worrying come December. Still I'll be paying off a good chunk so continuing on the right road. Feeling a bit more like me everyday and looking forward to getting into 3 digits.

Scambling

Hi Scambling, I just wanted to add my congratulations to your 74 days gamble free! Don't beat yourself up about the past. You can't change any of that. What you can control is your future. Your debt will come down so long as you stay gamble free. It doesn't really matter how quickly it comes down so long as it is coming down. Enjoy your gamble free life buddy! You're in a position that plenty of people, myself included, wished they were in. You're well on your way in your journey. Keep up the good work!

Hi Moorey631986 - Thankyou for your encouraging words! Where are you in your recovery?

Scambling

I gambled £450 about 5 hours ago. So tomorrow will be my Day 1. Booked in for counselling though which I'm hoping to get something from!

Moorey631986 wrote:

I gambled £450 about 5 hours ago. So tomorrow will be my Day 1. Booked in for counselling though which I'm hoping to get something from!

Maybe have at look to see if any Gamblers Anonymous meetings are close to you. For me they have been very helpful and it's nice to talk to people who understand what your going through. Good luck on your journey! Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Morning Moorey and welcome back to the diaries ... stephen

Day 80,

Despite some emotional setbacks I am still in control of this awful addiction. My blocks have proven to be effective and with payday approaching I have the motivation to continue on my journey. 10 days until i am 3 months GF and then a further 10 days until the 3 digit milestone. I believe in myself, but must learn to calm down and relax. I am tackling some things with anger and this is not how i wish to portray myself. Hopefully time and reaching these small milestones will help!

Scambling