Today is Day 2.
Day 1 was full of emotions, guilt and good/bad thoughts. I took time to go through all of Session 1 on the RecoverMe App and learned much from it. I have a long way to go.
Day 2 has been a struggle so far, my thoughts occassionally come to gambling, but my guilt eventually takes over and then I have find myself mediatating to quell any urge. Today is harder than yesterday, but a good freind of mine, who also struggled with addiction, told me that Day 0 was my worst day, and that thinngs will get betyer over time. I need to want this for myself and I do - its the time aspect that seems so overwhelming right now. How’d it come to this I often wonder?
learning to let go of my losses and lost time is a start. I need to remind mysself constantly that I want this change, that I need this change, and that there was a large part of my life where this was not a problem. I can, and I will, recover.
I truly appreciate everyone whos posts I have read so far - its helps to know I am not the only one struggling througb this. Communication has been an incredible tool so far to help ease the guilt and pain I feel and have caused to myself financially.
”Trust the Process”
Huge well done on getting this far! It's hard to let go of all the money one has burned through whilst in the grip of this addiction, but it's an important steps in the process. Forgive yourself your losses, acknowledge that what's done is done, and the only thing you can control is the future.
Wishing you the very strongest of wills
Exactly that ☝️. You won’t change the past. You can only change the future. The future should be a financially free life with no worries about finding money for the smallest things. Gambling will never give you that. Never. Always remember how long you’ve been gambling, thinking it’s the way to an easy life, and then how long you’ve had a tough life. There’s an easy correlation there!
it does get easier. It does make more sense the further you go. Keep fighting mate.
Stay strong 💪
First of all, thank you for all the positive reinforcement and encouragement. 100% I struggle most with letting it all go - but I agree that the only way forward is to begin the process of forgiveness, acceptance of the losses, and make every attempt to set my life back on a positive path, for me, and also for my family.
Day 3
Last night was tough. I had a difficult conversation with my wife about the subject again, which led me to a massive breakdown after. I cried in her arms for close 10 minutes, which I think was helpful in letting out some of the grief I've been holding on to. My wife was the victim of addiction for most of her upbringing, so I have an extra amount of grief because I feel like I've brought it back into her life, and I know deep down she is not thrilled by that. I have lost her trust completely, and that is one of the hardest things to accept - it makes me incredibly sad to know that was all a product of bad choices I made. I am committed to her, with all my heart, and the only way to build trust again, is to work on myself and be 100% transparent with her.
I have enrolled in a therapy session later this week, as well as made plans with my good friend to go for a long walk this coming weekend. I have a lot to figure out as I think there are some underlying issues in all of this that need to dug up.
Despite all above, for the first time in awhile, there is a small glimmer of hope I feel. I have still been very emotional, tearing up every so often, but there is a part of me that is happy for the small steps I have taken so far. I want this, and I want a life where I am happy, where I am positive and am able to make good decisions again. One step, and one day, at a time.
Day 4
Every morning is a new day. The past few days have certainly been difficult, but today is a new day. I feel slightly better than I did yesterday, and today I will continue to make healthy choices a continue my path in recovery. Today I will not gamble.
I think it is important to reflect on how gambling began, why, and how it affected our lives during the highs and lows that comes with this nasty habit. That said, I am going to start making entries about when, how and why I started gambling online approximately 18 months ago.
It was March 2022 and my son had been born only a few weeks prior to the start of my gambling habit. I remember having a night out with a few buddies, having a few drinks, and overall just catching up and being congratulated on my newborn son. It was certainly a happy time, however, during this outing, I can recall a friend of mine talking to a few of us about sports gambling and how invigorating it can be. At that time I knew it would be something I would be interested in, but I didn't realize how much of a *** it would take on me.
It may have been a day or two later my friend sent out an email with a code to join a casino, which came with a promo for us both if I signed up. Of course, without putting much thought into it, I signed up. This was the first bad choice I made, which led to hundreds and hundreds more bad choices over the next 18 months.
I can admit that I did stick to sports betting for this first 4 or 5 months, and to be frank, I felt in complete control. I had limits set, I would have some decent wins and cash out, and it didn't seem like anything more than a leisurely activity at the time - something to keep in interested in the MLB, NHL, Golf and Football. Well, after a big win one day I resorted to playing slots, thinking, as I am up I may as well try to spend the winnings and earn some more quickly. That's where my story began to spiral out of control, I was hooked immediately.
I'll continue again in a day or two. For now I need to go to work, make healthy choices, and remember that this is Day 4 and I can do be GF if I set my mind on the right path and make the right choice and have the right support. I want this.
Day 6
I missed posting yesterday as I was a bit anxious altogether because I had my intro therapy session over my lunch hour, which was an opportunity to meet my therapist and discuss my gambling situation. On top of that is was a busy work day. I did suffer some urge to gamble yesterday afternoon when I had a conversation with a good friend about my past year. He had asked me if I was joining this years fantasy hockey pool (been apart of that for 10 years), and when I said no he was curious. I told him about my struggles with gambling in the past year, and we got into it in depth a bit which was nice - we then started discussing American football and slowly this feeling of unease developed in my chest - anxiety. I've experience that before, but not from a discussion about a sport. That made my afternoon difficult, but when I felt the need, I would take a step away from my desk and work on breathing and mindfulness - reminded myself that I have quit, that I my happiness was far greater when I was not actively gambling, and that there are other people in my life depending on me to make good choices. Eventually that quelled the urge and I forgot all about it for a time.
Today has been another fair day. We had a yard sale today and made some decent money, so I have paid down some more on the debt I owe. That felt nice. After the yard sale, I went on a 1.5 hour walk with a friend of mine who was an alcoholic about 10 years ago and has been clean for 8 years. This walk was great. It gave me a lot of perspective and having a good friend to discuss this process with, one who has endured through, I feel will go a long way in helping me on my path to recovery. We intend to continue with walks once a week for the foreseeble future. As he said before, and the thing I took away from today was that ultimately, we (as individuals) need to want to get better; it all starts with us, just as it ends with us. My friend really struggled through the whole process in his recovery, and I admitted to him that now, in retrospect, I wish I had been there for him at a time of need, just as he is now here for me.
In reflection, I am finding that whether it is writing, talking, walking or listening, all of these methods, so far, have been incredible in helping me make positive, mindful decisions, as well as help to ever so slightly lift the guilt I hold. I have not gambled for 6 days, I feel more like myself, and feel like I have planted a seed that is growing the better version of me one day at a time - a similar, but better, version to the individual I was before my gambling addiction. When I was gambling I felt cold, alone, frustrated, agitated easily, and I broke down a lot of lines of communication with my loved ones - that is not healthy. We need people and support in our lives, and any sort of behaviour that compromises the important relationships in our lives should be reflected on. I know that is very easy to say, and it's so incredibly difficult to engage in that practice when you're on a high - but know that everyone needs someone, and we are not alone; even in the darkest of times, there is a light - it just needs be turned on. We will find our way, gamble free, one step at a time.
Stay strong everyone, believe in you, and ask for help when that light is dim.
Best,
Today is Day 8 - I made it through the week 😊
I have been gamble free for almost 8 whole days, and Day 7 was a good day. I felt that Sunday would be the toughest day for me because it's a rest day, and American Football and Baseball are on TV all day; so, the amount of gambling adds is significantly increased on Sundays. However, between going on a walk with my son and dog, as well as attending a friends child's 4th Birthday, I managed to not think about gambling very much at all! It certainly helps being busy, being focused, and anytime a negative thought arises to take a second and be mindful of it reminding yourself there are much better alternatives to gambling.
I have my first therapy session this afternoon, so I am hoping that that will help me begin to understand why/how it all started in the first place. I need to be honest with myself today. That first starts with noting that I will not gamble, and I will remain GF another day.
Until tomorrow, stay strong!
JBruce
Congratulations on 8 days :). Hope your counselling session went well
Thanks Roxy - I learned a lot yesterday during my counselling appointment. Learned about addiction and the pyschology behind it as well as much about myself - I even have an assignment to complete for my next session in two weeks!
Day 9
This morning was tough, I finally got my cc statement…and boy did it give me instant anxiety - pretty hard to see the future right now with the payments I need to start making but I can manage it for now. One step/payment at a time. I need to reflecf on my thoughts on this situation later.
Abusing a cc to gamble was a mistake, but in the moment, chasing a win or losses, you sure don’t think about the consequences until they hit you a month later. Think Ive learned my lesson there…don’t abuse credit by any means - use it only for emergencies. I will remind myself of this moving forward, and have blocked all access to my cc now - only making debt payments on it. Will take about 3 years to pay it off. Sigh.
I am glad I have taken the steps I have in the past 9 days. It’s a long road ahead, and I am certain there will be some hard days ahead yet, but finding some solace through therapy, this forum, and learning more about addiction itself has given me some perspective.
Today I will be gamble free and today I will make healthy and positive choices.
Jbruce
Well today was Day 11! For the first time in awhile I did not think, nor have an urge, about gambling. This is likely because I’ve been so busy at work with my colleague on vacation that I didn’t have time to think! It felt in control today, and today was even payday. It feels good to have these positive thoughts, and a feeling of control.
I have also started going back to the gym to lift weights/run and I think that this will help motivate me both physically and mentally.
Everyday is a step in the right direction. Everyday that I continue to remain gamble free is a day of good choices, free of unneeded grief and stress, with a glimmer of happiness in my future. My wife even kissed me today :).
11 days strong, 1 million more to go! Today I did not gamble, and tomorrow I will not need to either.
stay strong and stay motivated friends!
Jbruce
Today is Day 13!
I have had a busy week at work and had very minimal urges or thoughts about gambling, this is a start to something positive! My concern today is that I am attending a good friends Bachelor Party, who gets married in 3 weeks…I guess I am worried/anxious about some of the guys who will be in attendance - some I know who enjoy discussing sports betting, another who attends the casinos frequently. Today will be a test, and a tough one. Thankfully, my best mate is also attending and he is aware of my situation - I told about what Ive done the past few weeks and how my goal is to remain GF.
I am expecting to be triggered at some point today as alcohol will be involved bc we are golfing then going for dinner afterwards, and then who knows what. I have to remeber how disciplined Ive been the past 13 days, remeber why and who I al doing this for - myself and my family.
I think the best approacg today is limit my drinks, to help reduce any urges that may surface - I think I will offer to drive people to help encourage this path. I must also take time to reflect on any moments that are triggering - tell my mate perhaps and then take a few moments of mindfulness to let any of these feelings/urges pass.
The saving grace is that I enjoy golf a lot, am fairly good at it, and can distract myself by diving into the game itself and focusing on my play. I am a social individual, so I will engage in discussions, but may need to remove myself if I feel overwhelmed. Fingers crossed I can recognize when/or if that happens.
Either way I am excited for today. Today I will be strong, and today I will not gamble - after all, tomorrow is two weeks and that will feel great!
JB
Well done mate. Smashing it, and you seem in a great state of mind. Pre-empting triggers and dangerous situations is a good indicator that you mean to beat this. Testing situations come along now and again and going into them pre-armed so to speak is a great move.
It might sound funny but this diary is yours. Every time you get an urge, excuse yourself and come on here and write it down. You may learn something from it in future and it will remove you from the situation. Nothing like reading/writing about recovery to keep you focused.
Have a great time and remember why you are here.
Stay strong 👍
@p6z38njbqm thank you for the kind words, as well as the reminder - this forum has been an incredible tool and I certainly feel the support for others with the same struggle. Very much appreciated!
As a note, Saturday went well, and despite some minor gambling discussion, I managed to get through the day and dinner. What was triggering most for me, was at dinner. We went to a pool hall for dinner for some wings, beer, nachos and pool, and it turns out this pub has a gambling license and runs 5-10 slot machines in the section of the pool hall we were in...the temptation was high, very high. I found myself sitting in the chairs, facing away from the machines as our pool table was only a few feet away. I kept myself engaged in conversation, food, and playing pool in an effort to avoid turning around and watching the slots...thank god no one way playing them. It was also good my best mate was with me, I think if I had made any attempt to play he would have made me questions my actions - BUT, I didn't succumb to any urge! That felt good, I felt in control and reflecting on it helps me believe I am on the right track!
Yesterday was Day 14, and I was sick - caught my sons cold. That said, I slept most of the day on the couch while he played and his mother did a few chores...then our washer and dryer both decided to break down. Washer leaking loads of water, and dryer making a high squealed pitch when it runs...instantly I felt guilty again because I have racked up debt. Thankfully, my wife is a good saver and we have an emergency fund to cover things like this. As these appliances are 20+ years old, we went out and bought new ones. This led to us having a discussion about how to consolidate our debt, and we finally agreed on the way to do it. That made me happy, because for the past two weeks she has made it sound like it's my debt, my problem - but truthfully, if she wants us to move forward on this, the best option is for her to sign on with me to lower my interest rates for the loan. I will pay it, as I think that is best, but any kind of help to lower the interest rate will be substaintial. Any extra saving I have in this manner (with a lower interest rate) will go to her for saving. This was a very positive move for our relationship, I think it is one step closer to slowly gaining her trust back.
Today is Day 15! I am sick, but working. I feel good today mentally. Feel like I can focus on my job, and deal with my finances as they come. Today I will not gamble, and today will be a good day!
JB
Hi
Just to say a huge well done for sitting through such temptation and resisting it. That's a great amount of willpower you have there x
Thanks Roxy - for me it was never about the physical machine, at least I think…my problem stemmed from online where it is hard to walk away as access is available everywhere. I have been to casinos before, and never really had a problem leaving nor overspent…but again online where no one was monitoring me and I had little interaction with others seems to be my downfall - thank god for blockers 🙂
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