Today is Day 2.
Day 1 was full of emotions, guilt and good/bad thoughts. I took time to go through all of Session 1 on the RecoverMe App and learned much from it. I have a long way to go.
Day 2 has been a struggle so far, my thoughts occassionally come to gambling, but my guilt eventually takes over and then I have find myself mediatating to quell any urge. Today is harder than yesterday, but a good freind of mine, who also struggled with addiction, told me that Day 0 was my worst day, and that thinngs will get betyer over time. I need to want this for myself and I do - its the time aspect that seems so overwhelming right now. How’d it come to this I often wonder?
learning to let go of my losses and lost time is a start. I need to remind mysself constantly that I want this change, that I need this change, and that there was a large part of my life where this was not a problem. I can, and I will, recover.
I truly appreciate everyone whos posts I have read so far - its helps to know I am not the only one struggling througb this. Communication has been an incredible tool so far to help ease the guilt and pain I feel and have caused to myself financially.
”Trust the Process”
Huge well done on getting this far! It's hard to let go of all the money one has burned through whilst in the grip of this addiction, but it's an important steps in the process. Forgive yourself your losses, acknowledge that what's done is done, and the only thing you can control is the future.
Wishing you the very strongest of wills
Exactly that ☝️. You won’t change the past. You can only change the future. The future should be a financially free life with no worries about finding money for the smallest things. Gambling will never give you that. Never. Always remember how long you’ve been gambling, thinking it’s the way to an easy life, and then how long you’ve had a tough life. There’s an easy correlation there!
it does get easier. It does make more sense the further you go. Keep fighting mate.
Stay strong 💪
First of all, thank you for all the positive reinforcement and encouragement. 100% I struggle most with letting it all go - but I agree that the only way forward is to begin the process of forgiveness, acceptance of the losses, and make every attempt to set my life back on a positive path, for me, and also for my family.
Day 3
Last night was tough. I had a difficult conversation with my wife about the subject again, which led me to a massive breakdown after. I cried in her arms for close 10 minutes, which I think was helpful in letting out some of the grief I've been holding on to. My wife was the victim of addiction for most of her upbringing, so I have an extra amount of grief because I feel like I've brought it back into her life, and I know deep down she is not thrilled by that. I have lost her trust completely, and that is one of the hardest things to accept - it makes me incredibly sad to know that was all a product of bad choices I made. I am committed to her, with all my heart, and the only way to build trust again, is to work on myself and be 100% transparent with her.
I have enrolled in a therapy session later this week, as well as made plans with my good friend to go for a long walk this coming weekend. I have a lot to figure out as I think there are some underlying issues in all of this that need to dug up.
Despite all above, for the first time in awhile, there is a small glimmer of hope I feel. I have still been very emotional, tearing up every so often, but there is a part of me that is happy for the small steps I have taken so far. I want this, and I want a life where I am happy, where I am positive and am able to make good decisions again. One step, and one day, at a time.
Day 4
Every morning is a new day. The past few days have certainly been difficult, but today is a new day. I feel slightly better than I did yesterday, and today I will continue to make healthy choices a continue my path in recovery. Today I will not gamble.
I think it is important to reflect on how gambling began, why, and how it affected our lives during the highs and lows that comes with this nasty habit. That said, I am going to start making entries about when, how and why I started gambling online approximately 18 months ago.
It was March 2022 and my son had been born only a few weeks prior to the start of my gambling habit. I remember having a night out with a few buddies, having a few drinks, and overall just catching up and being congratulated on my newborn son. It was certainly a happy time, however, during this outing, I can recall a friend of mine talking to a few of us about sports gambling and how invigorating it can be. At that time I knew it would be something I would be interested in, but I didn't realize how much of a *** it would take on me.
It may have been a day or two later my friend sent out an email with a code to join a casino, which came with a promo for us both if I signed up. Of course, without putting much thought into it, I signed up. This was the first bad choice I made, which led to hundreds and hundreds more bad choices over the next 18 months.
I can admit that I did stick to sports betting for this first 4 or 5 months, and to be frank, I felt in complete control. I had limits set, I would have some decent wins and cash out, and it didn't seem like anything more than a leisurely activity at the time - something to keep in interested in the MLB, NHL, Golf and Football. Well, after a big win one day I resorted to playing slots, thinking, as I am up I may as well try to spend the winnings and earn some more quickly. That's where my story began to spiral out of control, I was hooked immediately.
I'll continue again in a day or two. For now I need to go to work, make healthy choices, and remember that this is Day 4 and I can do be GF if I set my mind on the right path and make the right choice and have the right support. I want this.
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