Day 18
Today, so far, has been a nightmare of emotions. I woke up very upset this morning based off of circumstances that occurred this Monday past, as well as last evening (Wednesday). My gambling is under control and I can say I have not gambled, but had several urges today to do so, knowing full well it is not going to solve my emotions or problems. For that I have strength and I am glad for that.
My partner got angry with my on Monday past. She spends 3 hours on Monday evenings in a course/class to excel her career, which I have no problem with. This means that I have to take care of our son, entertain him, feed him, as well as cook dinner for us - these are basically the usually evening line of events - my wife does not cook. She had also asked me to pick up her prescription for her, which I had no problem in doing. What made me upset was that after her class she got mad at me because I hadn't done the dishes, which included a blender, coffee cup, smoothie cup and french press (coffee machine) that she uses daily. She said it would have been very thoughtful of me to have done that, and that I know she uses them everyday and it would have helped her be able to relax after class. I agreed, I could have done them to help her out, but I had tidied up after putting out son to bed and felt the dishes could be left until the morning (that was my thought process before we talked). I reflected on this much throughout the night on Monday and actually ended up sleeping on the couch as I had so many thoughts running through my head and several urges to gamble arose in what I am thinking was my coping mechanism - I wanted to escape. I did not succumb.
Fast forward to Wednesday. I had a work event after work on Wednesday that took me away from the house all evening. I got home around 9PM to a house that looked like a disaster. My son was not very cooperative for his mother, and after she has put him down for bed, she didn't do any cleaning/tidying. There were wrappers on the counter, stained counter tops, dishwasher full, counter full of dishes, highchair with hardened food on it and the playroom (our living room) was a mess. She was on the couch watching TV and working on her school work. I didn't let it bother me at the time, I actually joined her in watching the TV show and then we talked about her day and evening. I just listened with a few remarks occasionally. She tends to dominate our conversations.
When I woke up this morning, as I noted, I was upset instantly. I had a long shower to try and work on some mindfulness, but it all came apart when I went to make a coffee. The Kitchen, being an absolute mess, got to me. I just felt like my wife is living a double-standard. She wants me to do all these things for her, and around the house, when she is busy; however, when I have a busy evening she doesn't seem do anything extra to help. She does what is required of her and then goes about doing what she needs to do. This also happened this past Saturday while I was at my friends Bachelor party.
Why am I upset? For the first time, in a long time, I actually thought about the situation. In past I would normally result to substance abuse, playing video games or slots. That was destructive behavior that I engaged in, in an effort to avoid conflict, worry about it later, and feel good now. I am only starting to realize that I have been doing this for a long period of time - and only recently did it result in compulsive gambling. My reaction to my being upset has been to escape, in whatever means felt good at the time. I have abstained for doing any of these things this week, really in an effort to understand my thoughts better so I can attempt to communicate with my loved ones.
Finally, today we have a meeting with a banker/financer, as we are considering consolidating my/our debts to have lower payments. It went well, but immediately afterwards my wife got up and said "I have to go back to work, bye". That was it. I wanted so badly to talk to her and tell her my feelings/emotions for the past few days, as I feel like I've come to realize what they are, so I followed her upstairs to the office. By the time I got there she was already in a work meeting. I am pretty sure had I said I wanted to talk she would have asked to talk later. Anyways, that also made me upset. It's tough to communicate when I feel like I have no one to talk to. Gambling has been on my mind ever since, even as I sit here "working". It's not an answer, and I will not engage in it, but it sure as heck is present.
Today I will not gamble, and today I will continue to move forward in my self-improvement. Thank you to all that have supported me so far.
JB
I think it’s hard to understand the pressure and emotion this has probably put on your wife. You lived a double life for ages. Now you are clean and honest, the emotions you are both feeling are very raw. Giving up is not easy, it’s emotionally draining. Likewise, learning your partner is an addict is just the same. There will no doubt be days when the smallest things get to either of you. Keep focused on the prize. The more you don’t gamble, the easier it becomes. For you both.
You sound like you are feeling strong. That’s good, and it’s great you can get your emotions out in here. Maybe you're wife is not quite ready to get hers out yet. Support her like she supports you and hopefully things will get better quickly.
Stay strong 💪
Hey Weirdfish - truly I thank you for the response and perspective here. I had never really thought about the situation like that, from her point of view. Nor had I considered how “raw” these emotions really are - likely for us both. I guess Ive gone so long in my life surpressing my emotions bu escaping that I failed to consider just how new situations and events impact others, or consider how they may perceive rhe situations and events that we experience together. I have a lot of work to do, lots of self-improvement and reflection; taking time to listen or read what others think and asking the right questions for clarity whenit’s needed.
You are right about my strength and will about not gambling - that is just not an option at this point, so as much as possible I attempt to recognize these thoughts, feelings and urges when they arise in an attempt to deal with them in a proper manner.
much appreciation!
JB
Day 23
It's been a few days since I've made a post - I've been so busy with family/work that I have not really thought too much about gambling, and to be honest, it's been a wonderful feeling. I cannot say that I have not had a day, yet, where I have not had gambling come across my mind, or dwelled in the thought of gambling for several minutes; however, I have noticed that by keeping busy I have less and less time to think about gambling, which therefore limits the urges! My buddy was right that keeping yourself occupied and with good company is a great distraction from the woes of gambling.
One thing for sure is that I have been more mindful of my gambling thoughts and triggers - by keeping busy I have really been able to reflect on my thoughts when gambling comes into mind. I am able to take a few moments and breathe, think about the good I've done the past 22 days, and convince myself that by abstaining from gambling I am making a healthy choice for myself and family. Overall, my happiness is starting to rise again, even with the daily stresses of life, I don't find myself wanting to escape to my phone screen and the closest app/webpage to gamble - these urges, for now it seems, are gone.
Today is my 3rd counselling session too, should be an interesting one!
Day 23, feeling strong! I will not gamble today.
JB
Day 25!!! Feeling positive
Today I feel good, I feel strong, and I feel like the work I am putting in is really helping. Between posting here regularly, engaging in therapy sessions and talking about this addiction with my wife, close friends and family, I am receiving so much support. This has helped my out tremendously in my recovery and makes me happy. I have been really trying to make note of my thoughts and feelings the past few weeks - recommended by my Therapist - and I am starting to notice small changes in my attitude, though processes and overall happiness.
This coming weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving, and I will reflect on what I am most thankful for in my life - it will be a good exercise to help quell any urges I may have this weekend. Thanks again to all that have helped me through some difficult times so far.
Today I will not gamble, and I will be strong!
JB
Day 27
I am coming up on a month GF 😀. This weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving and this past few days I have felt fairly positive and thankful. I had another therapy session this Thursday passed and we talked much about emotions and feeling them, acknowledging them in the moment and vocalizing them to others. I have been working at this, especially with my wife. Letting her know that I am happy and thankful for her support and prescence during the tough times, and the times when I am sad or upset and why. It is helping a lot being more conscious of these thoughts, and opening up to my wife with them. We have started to get a bit more affectionate, which was missing for a time - partially our child but a lot of me sitting in the gamblers cave chasing wins or losses and not being present or emotionally available. It feels good to be able to write this, as well as to be affectionate towards my wife - something I reallY missed.
the past 3 1/2 weeks have been incredibly eye opening with respect to my character/behaviours and personality. I have shut people out for sooooo so long, and working towards understanding my feelings and conveying them in words, rather than actions (ie gambling) has made me realize the importance the close people in our lives really matter. Their support is detrimental to our recovery, as much as this forum and all your support is crucial to finding and maintaining the path forward.
I use to isolate myself in gambling or video games and I am now starting to realize that I miss out on so much in life when I lived life that way. Addiction is nasty and often takes a lot of time and harm to take that first step forward to anhealthier lifestyle, a better path.
Learn to recognize your faults, your emotions, and the time and happiness you gain in confiding in others with your problem habits. It is not easy to start this process, but nothing is easy the first time. Keep at it, keep getting support, and keep beleiving in yourself. This is was matters - getting better and living a life as full as you can. Set goals, and once they are accomplished, set greater goals!
Today I will not gamble, and today I am grateful for my support community and my family. Feeling loved 😊
JB
31 Days GF - it feels good and I am proud of how far I've come this far...but my journey has only just begun.
I'll be honest, the past 48 hours has been incredibly difficult - I have found myself thinking very negatively about life and feeling very sad. I thought that my wife and I had made some progress in my regaining her trust and her showing some affection; however, the last post I made was all just a show because we were with family and she didn't want to expose that we are struggling as individuals and a couple. I came to realize this on Monday past, and it's been a flurry, or spiral, of negative thoughts and overwhelming emotions since. We did manage to talk yesterday about my gambling, where I am at with everything after 30 days GF, and where she is at, and I now know there is an incredibly long road ahead to get remotely close to what we had. Most of that lies with her and her struggles, and I am not pointing the finger by any means...she has a long history of trauma and depression and my gambling re-triggered her defensive response to prior events. I have lost all her trust - I am no longer her "guy". All I can do now is work at myself daily, be there for her as much as she will permit, and hope that in time she will see me for me again, and not a reflection of traumatic event and emotions that I caused her.
I came across a poem today which spoke to me and made me cry, so I would like to share it.
--------
I'm Okay...
I'm not sure if I am alright
Really my emotions are all over the place
One moment I'm up, the next, I am down.
Sometimes I feel to empty
as though there is a hole where my heart should be,
Just an emptiness inside of me.
But I tend to just say I am okay,
it is simpler that way.
Nobody ever asks you to elaborate on being okay.
There are moments when everything feels confusing
and days blend together, Indistinguishable.
I wear a mask so other can't see the struggle inside.
When night comes, I am by myself
drowning in endless thoughts
Every night is a struggle
trying to find sleep while my mind races on.
I replay every error, every regret.
I question if it is all going to make sense some day.
If the ache will ease
Right now it feels like I am wandering through a dense fog.
--------
This poem is precise and accurate with where I am right now with my life. I am making changes, positive in most respects, but there is still much confusion and uncertainty. This path is my path, and although I have support from friends and family, I still feel very much alone. I am overcoming my gambling woes, fighting urges as they arise, and taking notice of my thoughts and emotions much more than I ever have. My biggest regret is hurting my wife, the person I love most in the world (aside from our son), who can't 100% support me in the way I would have thought, because she is working on herself. I support her in her struggles and understand that my actions have caused her grief; it just really sucks that the one person I want to confide in and by vulnerable to is not always available. This has been my emotional struggle of late. I won't give up on myself, or my wife, I love her dearly. For now I need to work on me, and hope that in time, it pays off.
Todays I will not gamble, and for that I will be happier.
JB
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