Day 18
Today, so far, has been a nightmare of emotions. I woke up very upset this morning based off of circumstances that occurred this Monday past, as well as last evening (Wednesday). My gambling is under control and I can say I have not gambled, but had several urges today to do so, knowing full well it is not going to solve my emotions or problems. For that I have strength and I am glad for that.
My partner got angry with my on Monday past. She spends 3 hours on Monday evenings in a course/class to excel her career, which I have no problem with. This means that I have to take care of our son, entertain him, feed him, as well as cook dinner for us - these are basically the usually evening line of events - my wife does not cook. She had also asked me to pick up her prescription for her, which I had no problem in doing. What made me upset was that after her class she got mad at me because I hadn't done the dishes, which included a blender, coffee cup, smoothie cup and french press (coffee machine) that she uses daily. She said it would have been very thoughtful of me to have done that, and that I know she uses them everyday and it would have helped her be able to relax after class. I agreed, I could have done them to help her out, but I had tidied up after putting out son to bed and felt the dishes could be left until the morning (that was my thought process before we talked). I reflected on this much throughout the night on Monday and actually ended up sleeping on the couch as I had so many thoughts running through my head and several urges to gamble arose in what I am thinking was my coping mechanism - I wanted to escape. I did not succumb.
Fast forward to Wednesday. I had a work event after work on Wednesday that took me away from the house all evening. I got home around 9PM to a house that looked like a disaster. My son was not very cooperative for his mother, and after she has put him down for bed, she didn't do any cleaning/tidying. There were wrappers on the counter, stained counter tops, dishwasher full, counter full of dishes, highchair with hardened food on it and the playroom (our living room) was a mess. She was on the couch watching TV and working on her school work. I didn't let it bother me at the time, I actually joined her in watching the TV show and then we talked about her day and evening. I just listened with a few remarks occasionally. She tends to dominate our conversations.
When I woke up this morning, as I noted, I was upset instantly. I had a long shower to try and work on some mindfulness, but it all came apart when I went to make a coffee. The Kitchen, being an absolute mess, got to me. I just felt like my wife is living a double-standard. She wants me to do all these things for her, and around the house, when she is busy; however, when I have a busy evening she doesn't seem do anything extra to help. She does what is required of her and then goes about doing what she needs to do. This also happened this past Saturday while I was at my friends Bachelor party.
Why am I upset? For the first time, in a long time, I actually thought about the situation. In past I would normally result to substance abuse, playing video games or slots. That was destructive behavior that I engaged in, in an effort to avoid conflict, worry about it later, and feel good now. I am only starting to realize that I have been doing this for a long period of time - and only recently did it result in compulsive gambling. My reaction to my being upset has been to escape, in whatever means felt good at the time. I have abstained for doing any of these things this week, really in an effort to understand my thoughts better so I can attempt to communicate with my loved ones.
Finally, today we have a meeting with a banker/financer, as we are considering consolidating my/our debts to have lower payments. It went well, but immediately afterwards my wife got up and said "I have to go back to work, bye". That was it. I wanted so badly to talk to her and tell her my feelings/emotions for the past few days, as I feel like I've come to realize what they are, so I followed her upstairs to the office. By the time I got there she was already in a work meeting. I am pretty sure had I said I wanted to talk she would have asked to talk later. Anyways, that also made me upset. It's tough to communicate when I feel like I have no one to talk to. Gambling has been on my mind ever since, even as I sit here "working". It's not an answer, and I will not engage in it, but it sure as heck is present.
Today I will not gamble, and today I will continue to move forward in my self-improvement. Thank you to all that have supported me so far.
JB
I think it’s hard to understand the pressure and emotion this has probably put on your wife. You lived a double life for ages. Now you are clean and honest, the emotions you are both feeling are very raw. Giving up is not easy, it’s emotionally draining. Likewise, learning your partner is an addict is just the same. There will no doubt be days when the smallest things get to either of you. Keep focused on the prize. The more you don’t gamble, the easier it becomes. For you both.
You sound like you are feeling strong. That’s good, and it’s great you can get your emotions out in here. Maybe you're wife is not quite ready to get hers out yet. Support her like she supports you and hopefully things will get better quickly.
Stay strong 💪
Hey Weirdfish - truly I thank you for the response and perspective here. I had never really thought about the situation like that, from her point of view. Nor had I considered how “raw” these emotions really are - likely for us both. I guess Ive gone so long in my life surpressing my emotions bu escaping that I failed to consider just how new situations and events impact others, or consider how they may perceive rhe situations and events that we experience together. I have a lot of work to do, lots of self-improvement and reflection; taking time to listen or read what others think and asking the right questions for clarity whenit’s needed.
You are right about my strength and will about not gambling - that is just not an option at this point, so as much as possible I attempt to recognize these thoughts, feelings and urges when they arise in an attempt to deal with them in a proper manner.
much appreciation!
JB
Day 23
It's been a few days since I've made a post - I've been so busy with family/work that I have not really thought too much about gambling, and to be honest, it's been a wonderful feeling. I cannot say that I have not had a day, yet, where I have not had gambling come across my mind, or dwelled in the thought of gambling for several minutes; however, I have noticed that by keeping busy I have less and less time to think about gambling, which therefore limits the urges! My buddy was right that keeping yourself occupied and with good company is a great distraction from the woes of gambling.
One thing for sure is that I have been more mindful of my gambling thoughts and triggers - by keeping busy I have really been able to reflect on my thoughts when gambling comes into mind. I am able to take a few moments and breathe, think about the good I've done the past 22 days, and convince myself that by abstaining from gambling I am making a healthy choice for myself and family. Overall, my happiness is starting to rise again, even with the daily stresses of life, I don't find myself wanting to escape to my phone screen and the closest app/webpage to gamble - these urges, for now it seems, are gone.
Today is my 3rd counselling session too, should be an interesting one!
Day 23, feeling strong! I will not gamble today.
JB
Day 25!!! Feeling positive
Today I feel good, I feel strong, and I feel like the work I am putting in is really helping. Between posting here regularly, engaging in therapy sessions and talking about this addiction with my wife, close friends and family, I am receiving so much support. This has helped my out tremendously in my recovery and makes me happy. I have been really trying to make note of my thoughts and feelings the past few weeks - recommended by my Therapist - and I am starting to notice small changes in my attitude, though processes and overall happiness.
This coming weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving, and I will reflect on what I am most thankful for in my life - it will be a good exercise to help quell any urges I may have this weekend. Thanks again to all that have helped me through some difficult times so far.
Today I will not gamble, and I will be strong!
JB
Day 27
I am coming up on a month GF 😀. This weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving and this past few days I have felt fairly positive and thankful. I had another therapy session this Thursday passed and we talked much about emotions and feeling them, acknowledging them in the moment and vocalizing them to others. I have been working at this, especially with my wife. Letting her know that I am happy and thankful for her support and prescence during the tough times, and the times when I am sad or upset and why. It is helping a lot being more conscious of these thoughts, and opening up to my wife with them. We have started to get a bit more affectionate, which was missing for a time - partially our child but a lot of me sitting in the gamblers cave chasing wins or losses and not being present or emotionally available. It feels good to be able to write this, as well as to be affectionate towards my wife - something I reallY missed.
the past 3 1/2 weeks have been incredibly eye opening with respect to my character/behaviours and personality. I have shut people out for sooooo so long, and working towards understanding my feelings and conveying them in words, rather than actions (ie gambling) has made me realize the importance the close people in our lives really matter. Their support is detrimental to our recovery, as much as this forum and all your support is crucial to finding and maintaining the path forward.
I use to isolate myself in gambling or video games and I am now starting to realize that I miss out on so much in life when I lived life that way. Addiction is nasty and often takes a lot of time and harm to take that first step forward to anhealthier lifestyle, a better path.
Learn to recognize your faults, your emotions, and the time and happiness you gain in confiding in others with your problem habits. It is not easy to start this process, but nothing is easy the first time. Keep at it, keep getting support, and keep beleiving in yourself. This is was matters - getting better and living a life as full as you can. Set goals, and once they are accomplished, set greater goals!
Today I will not gamble, and today I am grateful for my support community and my family. Feeling loved 😊
JB
31 Days GF - it feels good and I am proud of how far I've come this far...but my journey has only just begun.
I'll be honest, the past 48 hours has been incredibly difficult - I have found myself thinking very negatively about life and feeling very sad. I thought that my wife and I had made some progress in my regaining her trust and her showing some affection; however, the last post I made was all just a show because we were with family and she didn't want to expose that we are struggling as individuals and a couple. I came to realize this on Monday past, and it's been a flurry, or spiral, of negative thoughts and overwhelming emotions since. We did manage to talk yesterday about my gambling, where I am at with everything after 30 days GF, and where she is at, and I now know there is an incredibly long road ahead to get remotely close to what we had. Most of that lies with her and her struggles, and I am not pointing the finger by any means...she has a long history of trauma and depression and my gambling re-triggered her defensive response to prior events. I have lost all her trust - I am no longer her "guy". All I can do now is work at myself daily, be there for her as much as she will permit, and hope that in time she will see me for me again, and not a reflection of traumatic event and emotions that I caused her.
I came across a poem today which spoke to me and made me cry, so I would like to share it.
--------
I'm Okay...
I'm not sure if I am alright
Really my emotions are all over the place
One moment I'm up, the next, I am down.
Sometimes I feel to empty
as though there is a hole where my heart should be,
Just an emptiness inside of me.
But I tend to just say I am okay,
it is simpler that way.
Nobody ever asks you to elaborate on being okay.
There are moments when everything feels confusing
and days blend together, Indistinguishable.
I wear a mask so other can't see the struggle inside.
When night comes, I am by myself
drowning in endless thoughts
Every night is a struggle
trying to find sleep while my mind races on.
I replay every error, every regret.
I question if it is all going to make sense some day.
If the ache will ease
Right now it feels like I am wandering through a dense fog.
--------
This poem is precise and accurate with where I am right now with my life. I am making changes, positive in most respects, but there is still much confusion and uncertainty. This path is my path, and although I have support from friends and family, I still feel very much alone. I am overcoming my gambling woes, fighting urges as they arise, and taking notice of my thoughts and emotions much more than I ever have. My biggest regret is hurting my wife, the person I love most in the world (aside from our son), who can't 100% support me in the way I would have thought, because she is working on herself. I support her in her struggles and understand that my actions have caused her grief; it just really sucks that the one person I want to confide in and by vulnerable to is not always available. This has been my emotional struggle of late. I won't give up on myself, or my wife, I love her dearly. For now I need to work on me, and hope that in time, it pays off.
Todays I will not gamble, and for that I will be happier.
JB
Well today marked Day 35 without gambling. Overall, the past 4 days have been fairly good, with minimal urges or thoughts of gambling - but they do tend to arise after I begin having negative thought patterns, generally about my marriage...
This weekend a good friend of mine, of 25 years, finally tied the knot with his finance (and mother of their twins) of 6 years - they've been together 13 years. The wedding was beautiful. It was a warm fall day with beautiful colours on the trees and sunshine that lit up their faces and brought warmth to my heart. Overall I had a good day, but today, now that I have reflected on events and interactions with my wife, I can say that maybe it wasn't as good a day as I thought - and perhaps I am over thinking, or perhaps I am reading too much into things. I don't really know, but I can't sleep so I've come here to write down my thoughts because I said I would do that when I was struggling with gambling, and now I seem to be struggling with a lot more than that. Just happy to have an outlet to get my thoughts out.
You see, my wife wasn't exactly present yesterday, although there physically in person. When I thought about the evening, I can recount several times when I would approach her to see how she was doing, and she would either immediately immerse herself in her phone, or walk away and go get a drink. This morning she was hung over, whereas I was not. She didn't dance with me one on one last night, and she really never left our table aside from getting a drink. She did have some heated conversations with friends of mine about unrelated topics, and she was very aggressive towards me after we left the wedding - just her demeanour alone told me that I have lost a lot more than trust in her, and I am only realizing this now. Part of me feels I have lost her respect and love as well...it makes me incredibly sad. I have failed her, and I certainly failed myself until I admitted my gambling problem.
Where do I go from here? Every day I am working on me, and going to extra lengths to show my wife that I am fighting for us. I have been much more thoughtful, at least I think, and even bought her flowers because she had had a bad week. I cook, I clean more, I take our son off her hands so she can relax and I give her all the time she needs so she can just be her (often she reads for hours). She use to say goodbye, good night, give me a kiss or hug, and now none of these are present. She even turns her head away, occassionlly, when I try to kiss her. I am really struggling with this. All I need from her is either verbal or some physical affirmation, or validation, that I am heading in the right direction - that we are heading there - that maybe love still exists. I know time heals wounds, and I can give her that, but I am not sure to what extent. How do I fully recover if she can't fully forgive me? Is that selfish?
I can see my own progress as a person in the past 35 days, but what haunts me is that my wife may never fully forgive me. I lay awake in bed, countless nights, with this negative thought, and it spirals from there. I tell her when I have negative thoughts, and tell her I need to write a post, but I don't expand on my thought patterns as there is a part of me that isn't ready to address that topic with her. It really seems that she is not ready to work on us yet...she asked for time, and I am giving her that, but the more time that passes seems to be just more time for us to drift further apart. Eventually these thoughts turn into thoughts of gambling, and then I start to hate myself for ever partaking in the habit in the first place. I live with this profound regret that I have destroyed our marriage by gambling, that I am a horrible husband because I had poor self-restraint and lacked communication skills. I am working on these on skills, as this is a part of my journey to being a better me. I guess I just wish I had a bit more support from my wife, and I truly miss her, and what was us. I told her that the other day, and she said she missed us too. I am trying to hold on to that, but some days I do feel like I am grasping at straws...
Anyways, thank you to anyone who still reads my posts...I know they may not be 100% about gambling anymore, but as I said above, these negative thoughts seems to be related and linked, and this forum has been a good place to just get it out when I have no where else to go.
I did not gamble today, and I am a little stronger for that.
JB
Hey mate, super happy you hit the 1 month mark. That’s a huge achievement and you should be so proud of yourself. The fact you have come on here and posted such a heartfelt post when you are down instead of gambling shows how far you’ve come.
I unfortunately cannot give you the best advice with your wife, due to what happened with mine, but you have to take strength from the fact you are still together. Years of trust have to be rebuilt and as long as a month seems to us in recovery, it’s a relatively short period of time in reality. You sound like you are doing everything you can to rebuild things, but it sounds like this will need time. As each month ticks by things will improve. She may feel like you were the strong one and now she is. She may not know how to be the strong one. This is still new to her. You also have the support of this diary and the advice and tips from this site. She may not have any support like that. Can she speak to anyone about it?
This may take a while. All you can do is continue trying to rebuild and keep gf. She clearly loves you. She is still with you, but this is a huge thing for her to process. It’s taken me 6 months to finally realise that I am confident in beating this. There was always doubt I could slip. If I’d stayed with my ex, I think it would take her longer to think the same thing about me. I think there would always be doubts if I’m honest. All you can do is keep showing her that you are beating this, you will beat this, and that the only thing you want is her. Hopefully with time she will see things the way you do and you can rebuild that bond.
Keep posting mate. Your posts will help you, and others in getting through this.
All the best. Stay strong 💪
Day 37 today - Gamble free and feeling better about myself and relationships.
I went to a charity fantasy hockey draft today for work, which both my wife and I were slightly scepticle about but it was an auction and involved no money and no prizes - just a time to meet people and donate to a good cause. It was fun and I experienced no sort of urge or even thought of gambling through the event!
I have my next therapy session on Thursday, and I went back to the gym today, which I noticed gave me some confidence. I certainly felt more in tune today with my works and surroundings, found concentration easier and my mood lighter overall. Healing is good.
Today I will not gamble. And tomorrow, I will try to go to the gym again and see if my mood remains similar to that of today.
All the best to those still reading - please reach out to me if you need help or a person - happy to help anyone through this as so many have helped me thus far. ❤️
Today was Day 40! It was actually a pretty tough day because I woke up around 330 in the morning and had trouble falling back to sleep. I decided fo check my email and in my inbox were two emails from gambling sites notifying me that my cool-off period had ended and advertising bonuses to me…my mind raced for the next hour as the urge to gamble grew and grew - like a snowball rolling down a hill. Eventually I decided to delete the emails and dived into some video games for 2 hours to distract myself….it worked for a time but eventually my thoughts ended back on gambling.
I was torn - gambling James wanted to play, what is one little deposit anyways, I won’t get hooked again…recovery James however thought about the past 39 days, the work I’ve put it, the pain I’ve felt, and the ground Ive gained in better understanding me and recovering my relationships. But its just one deposit, right? Sais Gambling me…eventually I did go to these sites…and I did what I use to be able to not do…I self excluded for 5 years on both of the sites 😁! Super proud of myself for recognizing my urges today, distracting myself and then remember what worn Ive been doing to stop the habit, as well as the small wins Ive been having daily!!
feeling strong today and super happy for that! Stay strong folks!
Today I did not gamble, but I still have work to do 👌
That was a big step to take and a huge hurdle to cross. So good to hear you played it well not only got past the temptation, but took positive steps to limit any future issues. You should be super proud at how you've handled this. What a change from 40 days ago!!
Stay strong 👍
@Weirdfish thanks mate! Ive had a few tough days since my last post but have still remained GF 🙂
Today was day 44, and tomorrow will be day 45! I am certainly making progress on this journey, as well as rediscovering me - going to therapy, even once every two weeks, has been crucial in this healing process.
Today, after I dropped my Son off at daycare I had an overwhelming urge to gamble - to the point that I started thinking about past BIG wins I had had, and slowly my brain tried to convince me that spending another $250 would be fine, just a small slip of the bank and my savings…I nearly pulled the car over so I could gather my thoughts and breathe; however, I made it to work and instantly found a colleague to talk to about anything - this quelled the urge in the matter if minutes and to be honesf I forgot all about it until about 15 minutes ago - hence my post 😊 .
I really would like to encourage anyone who is struggling to take the steps to be GF to seek help, be it a friend, spouse, or counselor/therapist (better yet all three). I know that may sound “weak” to some people, but it will help you immensly on your journey and recovery. Having a therapist, someone who you can trust fully and won’t judge you, as well as will work with you to dive into why the habit started and how to recognize your triggers and deal with urges, has been incredible for me. Everyone is different, and maybe not all methods works for everyone, but talking about addiction has been my greatest relief of stress, anxiety, negative thoughts, and poor moods.
Trust the process, get the help, and get better. I believe in you all, so do others, now its time to BELIEVE IN YOU!!
cheers,
JB
Day 50!!!!
It’s hard to believe it’s been 50 days since I last gambled. My life has changed and will continue to change while I remain GF. I have job interview this week for a position similar to my current job in real estate, but should come with a salary increase and more responsibilty…remains to be seen on Friday.
I am nervous for this interview, but gambling James would not have even give it the time of day…Id have stayed comfortable at my current place of work just to make enough cash to curb my bad habits. I feel that between remaining GF and attending therapy I have learned to recgonize and understand my emotions better - and this has helped me with my career because I am now in a position where I am unhappy and dissatisfied at work. I feel constantly overlooked for all that I do to make my employer more successful, only to be told to do more and that I am “over paid”…which is a complete joke. 2 months ago I would have shrivelled up and retreated into the darkness, put my head down and kept working. Lately Ive been actively searching for job to progress my career and it feels right, feels overdue!
50 days going strong - today I did not gamble and I am happy.
JB
Great job JB
Something about 50 days really does seem like a significant milestone. Life is really and firmly into the post gambling phase, where you start to see your previous gambling self as a stranger you no longer recognise :). You finally have room in your head for other things (which alternately feels a blessing and a curse). All the best with your interview, keep us posted. It's a privilege to be walking down the road to recovery with you xx
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